I have a surprise for you.....

And for once, it isn't in my pants.

Honestly though, this post will be unique in that I'll review an audio CD, which you know I've never done before. I don't usually ever review an audio item because, even though I'm musically literate, I'm not literate enough to say things like: "This is a deep and moving album with vocals reminiscent of the early works of Eric Clapton with guitar work as haunting, elegant, and powerful as Black Sabbath's second full album." Plus, I HATE reviews like that. If I have to take a music history course to understand your review, then you suck.

After I tell you the artist of this CD, you're going to want to stop reading, but I implore you to continue. The album is called Has Been by none other then William Shatner. I know I mentioned him in the last post and I promise it won't be a recurring theme. Has Been is produced by Ben Folds, and maybe that, or William Shatner's spoken word elegance, makes this one of the most shockingly good albums I've heard in years.

Yes, I said good.

Shatner really doesn't sing at all on any of the 11 tracks, nor should he. It's spoken word and any sections sung are done so by Ben Folds, a chorus, or others. This is a good album for many reasons. Firstly, it's well written. Secondly, the songs range in genre including rock, country-western, and blues. Thirdly, and I know thirdly may not be a word, the songs rang in tone. Some are happy and upbeat, while some are pretty damn sad. The title track, Has Been, is actually a campy western-type song that mocks those who have called Shatner a has-been. Every song on this CD is different, yet equally interesting. Even Henry Rollins guests on one of the songs. Henry Freakin' Rollins people! If Rollins and Shatner in the same song isn't both intersting and odd, I don't know what is.

I took a chance buying this, and both Shaner and Folds took a chance making this, but in my opinion, it's a success. I've never been a huge fan of spoken-word albums, but this album definately stands out in a day when bands and artists regurgitate the same old shit and when American Idol reigns supreme. Fuck the idols. Buy this instead of the new quasi-punk album that just came out and you just might like it. It's definately a fine addition to my CD collection.

Then again, after having my CDs stolen, any CD would be a fine addition to my new collection of 3 CDs.

It's not like I'm focusing on that problem though. Not at all.

Aren't Fridays supposed to be good days?

I'm just tired and annoyed. I didn't get much sleep last night, so the little things start to bug the crap out of me.

Starting my annoyances, I present the shipping baron which is UPS. I ordered a CD through Amazon.com yesterday and got free two-day UPS shipping, so it should arrive on Monday. Just for the hell of it, I tracked my package to see its progress. Let's see where my CD is:

SPARKS, NV, US 02/23/2006 9:15 P.M. DEPARTURE SCAN
OAKLAND, CA, US 02/24/2006 5:36 A.M.
LOUISVILLE, KY, US 02/24/2006 12:28 P.M.

Let's break this shit down. I live in Colorado, and my CD started out in Nevada, only two states away to the west. My CD then went west even more to California, and then was flown OVER Colorado to mother fucking Kentucky? Does this make sense to anyone? Anyone...anyone.....Bueller...Bueller? Now I'm sure my CD will arrive on Monday as promised, but it's just the idiocy of the shipping path that annoys me. I know there are certain distribution centers where things are routed, but I'm sure UPS can be a bit more efficient than a 4000 mile trip. After that trip, my CD is practically an import.

Moving on, the ATM machine located right outside the door to the library adds to my distress. If I hear one more stupid bastard tell a tacky ATM joke today, I'm going to stab him or her with a book. I'm sick of hearing things like: "While you're at it, get me some!" "You better leave some in there for me!" "I'll take 20!" followed by raucos laughter. Yuk it up freaks. You people try to be clever, but it just doesn't work. Understand that you're not clever, you're pathetic. I would pay someone at least $20 to guarantee never hearing these dumb-ass comments ever again. Oh look at that, someone's at the ATM now. Urge to kill......rising.

Let me move on from my complaints to a topic much more compelling. Television. One show in particular. Four years ago, had someone said that I'd actually like and enjoy William Shatner in a TV role, I'd have said "Poppycock good sir, and goodday" I now do enjoy William Shatner, and if he hasn't won an Emmy for his work on Boston Legal yet, he damn well should. I didn't care much for The Practice, which Boston legal is a spin-off of, nor do I care for most of the lawyer-themed shows, but Boston Legal is genuinely entertaining, and funny. The two greatest aspects of this show are the characters and the scripts. Chances are, you've never seen an episode yet, which is your loss, but now you should catch an episode and see for yourself. I'll even go as far as to NOT make a William Shatner joke now, and I have so many to make. So very many.

Normally I wait until Monday to review the DVD releases for Tueasday, but since there's only one DVD coming out worth a shit, I'll get it out of the way now:

Walk the Line - The Johnny Cash biopic is definately worth a watch. I liked it better than Ray, but then again, I never really listened to the music of Ray Charles. Johnny Cash, on the other hand, I have listened to quite a lot so the movie was a bit more enjoyable for me. Hopefully now the filmmakers will finally get off their asses and make the Falco biopic.

It's time to go now, and I've done far worse than kill you, reader. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her: marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead blog, buried alive. Buried alive.

KHAAAAAN! KHAAAAAAN!

One Shatner reference alright? It won't happen again.

Title Unspecified

I'm so tired that I can't think of anything remotely clever for the title of today's post.

So I was at a little "get together" the other night. Of course, alcohol was present otherwise I wouldn't have been. I soon came to realize that there's one more thing I hate in this world: Pretentious Job-Liars. What is a Pretentious Job-Liar, or PJL, you may ask. Let me give you the run down of the PJL I met the other night:
Me: And so, what do you do?
PJL: I work in the restaurant industry.
Me: Uh huh.
This PJL couldn't have been more than 23 years old, which meant since this pompous ass in in the "restaurant industry," he's either a waiter or a cook. Why can't he just say he's a fuckin' cook or waiter? Oh no, you're soo much more respected in my eyes since you're in the "restaurant industry" instead of just being a waiter. Well lah dee dah Mr. Fancypants. If someone asks what I do, I tell them I'm a Library Tech at a medical library, because that's what I am. I don't say I'm part of the "Medical Information Distribution Industry." I hope this ass falls on a fork. Oh I'm sorry, I hope this "restaurant industrier" falls on a pronged eating utensial composed primarily of stainless steel.

Alright, now I don't often use other's jokes in my blog because I find it tacky. However, I discovered an online comic called Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. I can't post all of these I find humorous, but since last week I ragged on William for being a RPG freak with no life, I'll showcase the toons dealing with RPGs:



Maybe next week, I'll showcase one or two that sum up my life.

I got a phone call from Dick Cheney this morning. He said to me, "Sean, I'd really love to hear what you think on the DVD releases for this week. It'd really cheer me up after shotting my hunting buddy in the face." How can I turn down the VP? Here you go Dickey-Baby.

• 3rd Rock from the Sun: Season 3 - This show is funny and you know it.
• Domino (New Line Platinum Series - Widescreen) - I heard this movie was really bad. Like actual dominos, this movie seems pretty dull. Honestly, who in the hell played with Dominos as a kid? And, if you did, define "play."
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Widescreen Deluxe Edition) - I thought a special edition of this came out last year. This being said though, it is a funny movie, at least the first 20 times you watch it.
• North Country (Widescreen) - Since this has gotten high critical acclaim, I actually do want to see it. Yes, I know, it doesn't have any ninjas or laser battles in space, but I'm not as shallow as you think I am. Now, on to the laser battles in space....
• Ultimate Avengers: The Movie - Thanks to ToysRUs completely ignoring DVD release dates, I managed to see this film last Friday. I liked it even though it deviates from the comic. The voice acting could be better though and it's only 71 minutes long. Hardly long enough to be called a "Full-length animated movie" like they're claiming it to be.
• The Weather Man (Widescreen Edition) - Nicolas Cage can be very good if the role itself is written well. Also, Michael Caine is in this so that alone is a selling point. The director, Gore Verbinski, is hiot and miss though. Sure, he directed Pirates of the Caribbean, but he also directed The Mexican and The Ring. Nonetheless, I'll definately rent this one.

There you go Dick. I hope this helps.

Last week, I said I'd quickly run over the movies that I don't want to see this year. I won't be made a liar of.

• Ultraviolet - If I was just into action movies this would be awesome. However, I also like a plot and good acting. This appears to have neither. This movie looks simply pathetic.
• The Hills Have Eyes - Another remake of an old horror film...yay.
• The Shaggy Dog - Another remake of an old comedy...yay.
• Basic Instinct 2 - Isn't Sharon Stone like 50 now?
• Scary Movie 4 - I hate these films with a passion. These films are only successful because the majority of the population are mindless heathens who think toilet humor is funny. I'll have to admit though, the word poop is quite funny.
• The Whore's Son - Andy?!? I have no idea what this movie is about, but I had to make that joke.
• Poseidon - Yet another remake. Who knows, this could be good. I don't have high expectations for it though, and will pass on seeing it in the theatres.
• The Omen - No, not a remake, but a prequel. I just don't care.
• The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift - Not only is this the 3rd movie in a crappy series, but none of the stars of the last 2 movies are in this. I know it's unbelievable, but this movie looks like it will be even shittier then the 1st two.
• Garfield's A Tale of Two Kitties - I could make some joke about this movie and a litter box, but that would just be redundant. You know it will suck without any jokes made.
• Clerks II - Kevin Smith fans all over the world gasp in horror when they see this film is on my list. They will gasp in horror while eating Cheetos in their parents' basement while shuffling through their decks of Magic cards. I'm just not impressed with Kevin Smith, especially after the dumb-ass Jay and Silent Bob movie. God himself cried for humanity when that was released.
• Snakes on a Plane - Oh how I have insulted this movie! I can't even see this title without snickering. I've already told you of the sequel, but have you heard that a prequel is planned? Yep, and it seems like a winner: Badgers in a Pinto.
• World Trade Center - We all knew this movie would arrive sometime. I may go see it in the theatre just to be an ass and stand up halfway through the movie to yell, "Oh shit, I know how this movie ends!"
• Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning - Hollywood sickens me.
• Untitled Friday the 13th Origin Film - The sickening continues.
• The Grudge 2 - And it continues some more.
• Saw 3 - Still sickened.
• The Santa Clause 3 - Could it possibly be that I'm still sickened? Yes.
• Casino Royale - I do like James Bond films for the most part, and this new Bond seems like a good actor, but the script seems poorly written and I've got major issues with the continuity of the story. It's a James Bond origin story that takes place in present day with current M Judi Dench. What the fuck? If you're familiar with Bond, you know that this is just stupid.

That's it for now. I need to go to the bathroom after writing this list.

Must....cleanse....body.....of.....filth.....

All I can say is: HA!

Rad this and tell me it isn't funny:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/02/13/cheney/index.html

Ok, so it shouldn't be funny, I admit that much. This admittance doesn't stop me from laughing however. It's long been rumored that the Republican party is full of rednecks and hicks that managed to crawl out of the deepest Ozark mountain valleys in a vain attemp to keep women and negroes from voting and such. Now no one can deny it. I mean, when the vice-president himself shoots a fellow hunter in the face with a load of buckshot while trying to hunt small birds, it's a pretty clear sign that he's a dumb-ass redneck. Now, I've been hunting before myself, and mistakes can happen, but I don't think I've ever fired a shotgun while I've had the barrel pointed in the general direction of...SOMEONE ELSE'S HEAD! It's too damn bad Cheney wasn't out hunting with President Bush.

Because then Bush could have got some quail meat too. Yeah, that's what I meant.

I should talk about the International ToyFair in New York and how cool everything is that's coming out this year, but for some reason, I don't feel like being a huge nerd this morning.

Regardless of this, I still am a huge nerd, but not as much as some. I have never gone to a sci-fi con dressed as anyone but myself. Actually, I've never been to a sci-fi con. I have been invited by William to go to the sci-fi con with him this summer in Toronto Canada. I would go if it weren't for three problems that plague this idea:
1: I don't have the money.
2: I wish to keep my dignity, and I can't do that while in a group of people arguing the physics of matter-to-energy conversion of a transporter system, or whether a lightsaber could cut through adamantium.
3: Canada
Thanks for the invite Bill, but I think Ill do something less nerdish with my time, like sit in my apartment and play World of Warcraft.

It's time again for everyone's favorite DVD review section!

• Charles in Charge: The Complete First Season - Oh fuck this! Who in God's name is going to buy this? If you really want to fullfill your need for Scott Baio, rent Bugsy Malone instead.
• Saw II (Widescreen) - I understand that people like twist ending to movies. However, making a sequel based off the popularity of a twist-ending to an otherwise crappy movie really doesn't work. I'm not a big fan or these types of movies anyway, so I'm biased to beging with, but all these films showcase is the writer's inventiveness on how to kill people. Fans of this movie said it was new and fresh. Obviously those fans haven't seen the film Seven, which is better in almost every way possible.
• Zathura (Special Edition) - This received good reviews, and I can't explain why. This movie is based off a book by the guy that wrote Jumanji, and essentially, this movie is Jumanji...but In Space! It's kinda supposed to be a sequel of sorts as I understand, but a rehashed idea is still a reheashed idea. My mother saw this film and I'll let her idea on the movie be your guide. My mother really liked Jumanji, but she really didn't care for Zathura. My mother also thought that Van Helsing was a good movie. If my mom liked Van Helsing, but thought Zathura was bad compared to it, that has to tell you something.

Those are the only 3 DVDs being released that deserve any comments whatsoever. As you can plainly see, there is nothing to buy this week. Since it's a short list however, I'll give you four more options that are too shitty for me to even insult:

The Golden Girls: The Complete Fourth Season - Overhaulin': The Complete Second Season - Roast of Pamela Anderson (Uncensored) - Shaq TV: The Reality Series.

Starting next week, we move into a period of time where almost every week has something good to offer, and Scott Baio isn't anywhere to be seen.

Since the list was short, I'll run down the film releases this year that I'm really looking forward to. You may disagree with me, but that's why I buy pepper spray.

• Night Watch (Nochnoi Dozor) - This is a tough movie to describe, so just watch the trailer here: http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/night_watch/hd/
• V For Vendetta - Yes, Natalie Portman is a bad actress, but I still want to see the film based off the stellar reviews I've read.
• Ice Age 2: The Meltdown - Admit it, Ice Age was funny. It's even funnier to me since I know this dumb redneck who shares the same stupid look on his face as Sid the Sloth. Oh, I laugh everytime I see it.
• Silent Hill - I love the freaky-ass, scare the crap out of you at 3 A.M. in the morning games this movie is based on. The director, Christophe Gans, isn't a total hack either.
• Mission: Impossible: III - I know, MI-II sucked ass. This movie looks to be a move towards much better writing and directing. Plus, with Philip Seymour Hoffman as the bad guy, the acting should be much improved as well.
• X-Men: The Last Stand - Excuse me while I whipe the drool off of myself. For me, this is the must-see movie of the summer.
• Superman Returns - Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor. That's all I have to say.
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - After the surprise the 1st film was, I'm hoping this one will be as good.
• Miami Vice - Yeah, you say it's stupid now, but did you know it stars Jaime Foxx and Colin Farrell? Did you know it's directed by Michael Mann, who directed Colatteral? I bet you feel like a fool now.

Alright, I think I'm done for the day. Next week, in addition to the DVD reviews, I'll bash the upcoming films that I don't want to see. That list is much longer.

Crow Assemble!!

I now realize that the Avengers Assemble battle cry really only works with the Avengers. Even then it sounds pretty dumb. Plus, I really have nothing to do battle over. The only things I feel inclined to do battle with are hobos and crippled hobos, and I think I can take some time off from that quest due to the frigid Denver nights. The cold should make my job a lot easier.

I've had two people ask me if my parents read my blog. Obviously these two people don't read my blog. Thanks for caring assholes.

You know how when you sign up for cable and the guy on the phone says: "They'll be someone coming 'round to hook up your cable sometime between 7 A.M. on Thursday and 4 P.M. Friday. If you're not there when we stop by, we'll have to reschedule." We've all dealt with shitty service such as that. Now, I'm getting this kind of crap at work. The maintenance men* are supposed to raise my entire desk section up about 3 inches so that a file cabinet can fit underneath. They tell me to have everything off of the desk when they get here so they can quickly do it, but they're not telling me when they'll be here. So I'm just supposed to remove everything, including this computer, off the desk and wait for these sonsofbitches? I guess I'm not expected to do any work today. Not that I would anyway mind you. Well, guess what? When they get here, they'll just have to wait. Yeah that's right, I said it. They'll wait and they'll like every minute of it.
*Some of you may be upset that I used the term "maintenance men" instead of "maintenance persons" or something else equally pc. But come on people, we all know women can't lift heavy things and therefore aren't suited for such demanding work as a maintenance job requires. And, even if a woman did have a maintenance job, we all know she'd just spend the whole day bitching about it anyway.

I saw two movies this weekend. The first was: The Cave. It has been trashed enough, by myself included, that I had to rent it. It isn't as bad as I expected, but since I expected nothing but filth, that isn't saying much. Anyone who can form complete thoughs can pretty much extrapolate what's going to happen throughout the entire film. The first part of the movie goes kinda slow, and since there isn't much plot or character development, I kept hoping that the creature attacks would start to pick up at any minute. Now, even as a creature killin' shit type of film, it's only semi-enjoyable. Even if you are a fan of this genre, you'll find The Cave to be a weak movie at best. If you really want to watch a movie where the themes are isolation and creatures killin' shit, stick with these: Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, The Thing, and to an extent, Pitch Black.

The second movie I viewed was: Four Brothers. I actually expected this to be quite god and was a bit disappointed. Now, it isn't bad, but to me, it's just another movie where some guys have to take revenge for a murdered family member while finding out along the way that it isn't as simple as it seems at first. I really don't have much to say about it other then I just wasn't impressed. I should explained why I was unimpressed but I can't. Time to move on.

Well, since you eagerly anticipate my weekly DVD reviews, I won't let you down. Unless you want me to review these DVDs while fully clothed, in which case, I will let you down.

• The Batman: The Complete First Season - No, this isn't the excellent show you're thinking of. This is the new cartoon which has a young Bruce Wayne going up against...ah shit, I can't even write up a synopsis for this show without becoming horribly depressed and angry. This show sucks Bat-Dick.
• Doom (Unrated Extended Edition Widescreen) - This has nothing to do with the film, but I just discovered that Doom spelled backwards is Mood. That's kinda cool, and sadly, is the only cool part about this movie.
• Elizabethtown (Special Collector's Edition - Widescreen) - Whereas some of this director's previous films have been quite good, this movie just looks mind-numbingly boring and dull. I don't want to see it, ergo, I won't see it. Once again, I rely on you people to tell me if it really does suck or if I'm just being overly critical.
• MirrorMask - This is written by Neil Gaiman, so I'd like to at least rent it to give it a shot. Of course, Gaiman wrote Sandman material, but he also wrote some other quality books like Neverwhere and American Gods, both of which have my high recommendations.
• The Net 2.0 - Did The Net with Sandra Bullock really make enough money to warrant a direct-to-video sequel? The answer is no my friends. I've heard you can find a copy of the on the internet for free download from the movie studio. All you have to do is enter this information: Username: Net 2.0 Password: CraptasticPieceOfShit *Note* Username and password are case sensitive.
• Speed (Collector's Edition) - What do you do when you've got the option to either buy this film or take a bullet in the head? What...do you...do? In this case, I'd buy the film, because it wasn't all that bad. What do you do if you have to buy Speed 2: Cruise Control or take a bullet in the head? What...do you....do? In that case, take the bullet, by God, take the fuckin' bullet.
• Teen Titans: The Complete First Season - I'd take the bullet here too.
• Wallace & Gromit - The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (Widescreen) - It's Wallace & Gromit, so naturally I have nothing bad to say about this movie. Once again, I must be honest and admit that I haven't seen it yet, but it's a Wallace & Gromit movie so it's going to kick more ass than an Electronic Automatic Ass-Kicking Machine.

It's time for me to go now. Much like Mister Rogers, there's only so much time I can spend talking to my audience before an uncontrollable rage sets in. I too must change into my sneakers and sweater and take leave. Until next time, neighbor.

Snippets

I'm really bored here at work. If it wasn't for numerous people inquiring about the semi-broken copier, I'd have nothing to do. So, I'll take this time to spout out meaningless crap.

First of all, Palisades Toys is now officially defunct. Well, they've sold themselves to another company which may continue certain product lines. Whereas this announcement doesn't mean the end of the world, it may mean the end of the Invader Zim toy line. If the line were to end now I wouldn't be too distressed because all of the major characters have been made, but I'd sure like it to continue. Three years ago, I said that it would be an impossible dream come true if Zim toys were made. Now, two waves have been produced and I love them like Gir loves cupcakes. Actually, I quite love me some cupcakes too. There are so many fine figures that can still be produced, such as: Bologna Zim and Dib, organ harvester Zim, Professor Membrane, The Hamster, Poop Dawg, Invader Tak, Invader Skoodge, and Santa Zim. If this line ends, I will shed a tear for another Zim-based property to be cut short in its prime.

I will now speak about a movie for which I have recently Viewed. The movie is called: Unleashed. It stars: Jet Li. I'm sure most of you have heard of this recently released action-film in which Jet Li stars as a man born and raised to live and fight as a dog by his "master" played by Bob Hoskins. Along the way, Li's character meets Morgan Freeman's character and Freeman's daughter who slowly teach him the way the world really works. Honestly, I wasn't expecting much out of this movie for 2 reasons:

1. It is an action movie with Jet Li.
2. RZA, a member of the Wu Tang Clan, had a part in this movie's music. I absolutely hate rap / hip-hop music for several reasons, the least of it being its in-originality. The last thing I wanted to see and hear was another action movie full of brain-numbing rap.

The movie was quite well made, to my surprise. The acting wasn't all that bad, including Jet Li's. This isn't your typical "man needs revenge" action plot. Instead, the plot really centers around Li's need to become a normal, functioning member of society. Sure, there are some cheesy moments, but not as many as I thought there would be. As for the music? There wasn't a bit of annoying rap anywhere in the movie, as far as I could hear anyway. The music actually fit the tone of the movie quite well, whereas blaring rap would have ruined it. Sure, this is still an action film, but it shows that Jet Li is at least trying to broaden his film roles by accepting one that has a lot more depth and drama than he typically takes. If you have some free time, watch it, you may be a bit surprised.

And finally, I'll leave you with two of my newest jokes that I came up with while observing the behavior of children.

Q: What's the difference between a pediatrician and a veterinarian?

A: A pediatrician only has to deal with one kind of dirty little animal.


Q: What do children and footballs have in common?

A: Not enough.


Thank you, and goodnight!

How many kinds of stupid are you?

I don't know what answer you have for this question, but I can certainly answer this for my friend Brian: He is 7 kinds of stupid because he married the woman he did. His wife is actually 12 kinds of stupid, but don't just take my word for it. No, let me explain why.

His wife is, at least physically, an adult. They have a child together who is probably about 3 years old. Brian was at work because someone has to make money for the family. While Brian was at work, Brian's wife decided to go to Wal-Mart with their son and one of her friends. I'll jump ahead to the part where she gets caught trying to steal hair dye. That's right my monkey pals, Brian's wife sets an amazingly good example for their son by stealing. How fuckin' irresponsible can one be to do that in front of their child? And, who the fuck steals hair dye anyway? The real sad part about this whole ordeal is that the mother of this wife just got out of prison from doing all sorts of bad things including the manufacture and distribution of meth. You would think his wife of all people would be able to realize what happens when one makes stupid-ass decisions. Why, you may ask, am I writing about this? It's because I want everyone I know who reads this that you could have it worse. Everyone bitches and moans at least a little bit about things their significant other does to annoy and/or piss them off. Yes, my fiancee talks a little too much about things that I can't care about, no matter how much effort I put into it. Yes, she can be a bit pig-headed on certain issues. What she is not however, is a perp. In the 5 years I've known her, I can't think of a single decision she's made that has been horribly bad for her future, other than her decision to be with me. I take pride in knowing that my future wife will never be on an episode of Cops.

I love my job. Many of you poor pathetic fools hate your poor pathetic jobs, and rightfully so, becasue they do indeed suck. Not mine though. My boss is gone for the week so I informed a co-worker with seniority over me that I'll have to take a long lunch starting at 11:15 to take a hamster to the vet. This co-worker / quasi-boss told me: "Just leave for the day at 11:15 and don't bother coming back." Her reason for my afternoon off: "Well, it's going to be 55 degrees out today, you might as well enjoy it." Do any of you get the afternoon off because it's nice outside? I'm quite sure the answer is no you mindless automitons for the man. Yes, I know I misspelled automitons, but you can look up the correct spelling sitting at your desk while I'm out enjoying the sunshine. MuHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

The DVD's for tomorrow need reviewed, so I take this task on to make your lives that much easier.

• The A-Team: Season Three - I loved this show as a kid. Obviously, I was a stupid child. I've watched a couple of episodes in the last few months on television and, while not horrible, The A-Team certainly wasn't all that good either. If you liked this show, and if you can find this boxed set, and if you can afford it, maybe you should buy: The A-Team! *Note* you would have gotten that joke had you ever watched the show. And, for the record, I wouldn't buy the show, I just said it to make afforementioned joke.
• Dune: The Extended Edition - This version has been released after about 15 years of delays. This version has been aired a few times on Sci-Fi channel but has never been available to own before now, except maybe on LaserDisc. But honestly, what fuckmook actually bought a laserdisc player? This movie solidifies the fact that Patrick Stewart just plain kicks ass, whether it be with a gun, knife, or his stunningly attractive bald head.
• Knight Rider: Season Three - Everytime I watch this show, I become more and more jealous that my vehicle doesn't converse with me in clever banter while we haul ass down a desert highway at 140 MPH. Instead, my vehicle talks to me though a skeaky fan-belt which fails me while I eek along Interstate 25 at 70 MPH. In the Knight Rider Universe, their have been several talking vehicles created by FLAG: KITT, KARR, and KRO. My vehicle has been dubbed: KRAP. Just go buy this set and relive your 80's fantasies like I will.
• The Legend of Zorro (Widescreen Special Edition) - Sure, this movie got bad ratings, but that doesn't mean it's bad. I've heard good things from people I trust and I did enjoy The Mask of Zorro so I'll definately rent this, if not buy.
• Magnum P.I.: The Complete Third Season - This is just the optimal day for third seasons I guess. This also was a great show when I was a kid. Since then, I've learned that Hawaii really isn't like how it's protrayed in the show. Also, Tom Sellick isn't like how he's shown to be in the show either. Did you know he's really just an actor? WEB OF LIES!!!!!!
• Tim Burton's Corpse Bride (Widescreen) - Honestly, I had no desire whatsoever to see this film, and I still don't. It may be excellent, or it may suck balls, but I rely on you to tell me such things.
• TMNT: Turtles Against H.A.T.E. - So this comes out this Tuesday, not last as previously reported, thanks to some bad intell.

Alrighty, it's time to go and put in 2 hours worth of work before my afternoon off. This is going to be one tough day. I sure hope I can handle it. If not, I'll have to call in sick tomorrow.

Apartment Bliss

I use the term bliss when really I should use the term bane. Now, I'm not saying we have a shitty apartment, on the contrary, it's quite nice. What I am saying is that I'm a bit peeved that the door to our pantry fell off of its tracks. I'm a bit peeved that it takes quite a while for our bathroom sink to drain. And, i'm peeved that whenever I bring these issues up to the people that run this complex in their large chain of complexes, it takes them forever to solve the problem.

Also, we finally got the 2 bookcases that were replacements for the 2 that came broken over a month ago. Now we can finally shelve our massive DVD collection for easy viewing. You see, we ordered four of these stackable bookcases so that our whole DVD collection could be shelved together. The problem I now have with this is that 4 bookcases aren't enough. So now we have 4 bookcases full of DVDs and the rest filling up a shelf or 2 on the entertainment center. As I librarian in training, I can't fuckin' stand it! It drives me up the wall to see the uniformity in my cataloging skills broken up this way. It isn't just the diversity of storage shelves that upsets me, it's how they are shelved. In order to cram them all into what space we do have, I had to take all the box sets and shelve them at the end. Now, my 4 volumes of Batman the Animated Series aren't by Batman and Batman Begins where they rightfully belong, but instead are at the end of the collection. ARGH!!!!! DAMN MY ANAL RETENTIVE LIBRARY CATALOGING SKILLS!!!

So, Mervyn's is finally closed. Mervyn's is where I used to work one day of the week, which you'd be aware of if you read my blog on a regular basis, as some of you do. Thank you. Yesterday I had to stop by to pick up a paycheck and it's kind of depressing to see a store that was once full of merchandise reduced to an empty husk. All that was left were the floors, walls, celing, and a few register stands that were being dismantled via sledgehammer when I arrived. No one has any clue what business will take the building over, but if I had the money, I'd turn it into a bitchin' airsoft/paintball/laser tag arena complete with smoke machines, dead-ends, and minotaurs to stalk the maze-like halls. Minotaurs with paintball guns. That would be sweet.

The topic of minotaurs leads me right into the DVDs this week. How you say? I'm horrible at transitions and it seemed like a reasonable progression to me, that's how. Last week I said that future DVD releases would suck, and you'll be happy to know that, for once, I'm told the absolute truth.

• Dallas: The Complete Fourth Season - Well Yee Haw Pardner! This release makes me as happy as a rabbit in a sack full o' tunips! Do rabbits even like turnips? Do humans even like turnips? What the fuck is a turnip anyway? Is it in any way related to the Parsnip? Do rabbits like parsnips? I could go on for hours, but the point it, I won't be buying this just like I won't be buying any turnips, parsnips, or any other vegetable ending in "nips."
• Flightplan (Widescreen) - Don't get me wrong, I like Jodie Foster and all, but another movie where she is frantically trying to protect her child doesn't really interest me. This flight has to make an emergency landing at Boredom International Airport where an error is made and my baggage is mistakingly sent to the IDontGiveAFuck Airport.
• The Fog (Unrated) - The only fog worth mentioning here is the haze of bong smoke that filled the room where the studio executives decided to make this film. That loud sound you hear is the foghorn telling you to stay the fuck away from this movie....or cursed you'll be with a sequel. (Read the last phrase like a pirate and it sounds real cool.)
• Saturday Night Live: The Best of Alec Baldwin - Why the fuck are they releasing a "best of" of a host? At least they could do is release more DVDs of cast members.
• Saturday Night Live: The Best of David Spade - Well shit. Be careful what you wish for.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles against H.A.T.E. - Now my buddy thinks this is coming out tomorrow. My info says it will be out on the 31st. For once, I hope he's right, because I'd sure like to get this as soon a possible since there isn't anything else to buy this time around.

The DVD releases get better in the coming weeks, no really they do. How much better depends on whether you like what I like and whether you have horrible taste in 80's television like myself.

Now this is some stupid-ass shit right here

Andy's post about the law in Georgia reminded me of this state law in Wisconsin which is one of the most insane I've ever seen. Trust me, this is real. I can refer you the the PDF located on their .gov server if you really want to read it all.

Wis. Stat. sec. 93.35
Weather modification:
( C ) “Weather Modification” means any activity performed with the intention of producing artificial changes in the composition, motion and resulting behavior of the atmosphere.
(2) No person may engage in weather modification activities without obtaining a professional weather modification license under sub. (4) and weather modification operational permit under sub. (6).

So I guess Cobra's weather dominator in an old G.I. Joe cartoon would be illegal, at least in one state. Here are my questions: How does one go about getting one these weather modification licenses and permits? Does one have to take a weather modification test to prove he or she can successfully modify the weather? Who is qualified enough to administer the test? I bet this law came about after some redneck was struck by lightning while standing on the roof of his barn with his shotgun screaming at the thunderstorm, "I reckon you git offa my prop'ty fore I come up dere and make ye!"

Also, you should be pleased to know that if you eat at any restaurant in Wisconsin while waiting for your weather permit to be laminated, you won't be screwed over on your dairy spread:

97.18(4)
(4) The serving of colored oleomargarine or margarine at a public eating place as a substitute for table butter is prohibited unless it is ordered by the customer.

And since Andy was talking about Georgia laws, I'll add this one:

16-12-100.1.(6) 'Sadomasochistic abuse' means flagellation or torture by or upon a person who is nude or clad in undergarments or in revealing or bizarre costume or the condition of being fettered, bound, or otherwise physically restrained on the part of one so clothed.

Fuck Georgia! I'm staying right here in Colorado where I can handcuff as many clowns as I please!

Lunch was quite unpleasing today. Banquet should change their slogan from: "Bank on Banquet," to: "Banquet: Meals even a hobo wouldn't eat."

Alright, enough with the tomfoolery, and on to the DVD releases and reviews for this week:

• Doogie Howser, M.D.: Season Three - The prescription for constipation!
• Final Destination Scared 2 Death Pack - These movies are Death's way of killing us through shitty writing, acting, and direction.
• Lord of War (2-Disc Special Edition) - I wanted to see this one in the theatres but never got the chance. In the end, I did myself a favor and saved 8 bucks. It's probably only worth a rental.
• The Man - Did anyone see this movie? Really? However, a huge shout-out goes to my homie Samuel L. Jackson for expanding his horizons and finally switching roles to to one he has never played before: A bad-ass black dude with a gun. My respect for him as an actor will go up once he plays a 125 pound, white, eyeglass-wearing, computer-nerd from North Dakota.
• Resident Evil: Apocalypse (Single Disc Version) - Let's see here, we've got the same craptacular movie, but with none of the special features that might have given the original release any value whatsoever. Sweet! I'll buy about a dozen of these and give them out to all my friends as Christmas gifts next year. They'll be so thrilled!
• Titus: Season 3 - Yes, this is a sitcom, and generally I hate sitcoms. This show; however, was actually pretty funny and a radical departure from the standard sitcom formula. I have the first volume of this, so I may just buy this one as well. The only problem i had with the 1st volume was the laugh track. After about 2 minutes of fake audience laughter, I've had enough of it. How about you let me decide when the jokes are funny eh?
• Two for the Money (Widescreen) - True story: This movie was based upon the life of a real-life sports guy who made a lot of money making picks for sports gambling. He then decided his life would make a great movie. I'll make a pick of my own: If you rent or buy this movie, you'll loose your money and feel such emotions as rage, guilt, and depression.

And, that's it for DVDs, which makes it a shitty week for DVD fans such as myself. Next week isn't any more promising I'm sorry to say.

Bitch - Version 1.0

So, I just finished consuming my lunch, which was very difficult mind you. Not because I eat by tilting my head back and swallowing food whole after ripping the raw flesh from the bones of my enemies, but because I keep getting interrupted by these ass-mooks who need help with trivial shit like the copy machine. Can you fooks not see I'm eating here? No, you can't? Well fine, let me help you with what amounts to one of the simplest machines in this hospital. You can run an electron microscope and a gene splicer, but you can't figure out the enigma which is the copy machine? Yeah, you really deserve that huge paycheck you're getting there buddy. These same people also have probems with the electric stapler.
The
Electric
Stapler
This is a simple concept: Step 1: Take papers that need to be stapled. Step 2: Place said papers in designated stapling area. Step 3: The electric stapler staples the papers. One needs not even touch this machine to make it work. How does one fuck this up? The answer eludes me mine friends, but often do I intervene on the behalf of these "Educated" doctors while they're practically stapling themselves to the table. I'd introduce them to the concept of a Paperclip, but I fear it would result in grievous intestinal wounds, and frankly, I don't want to clean that up. This is a library after all and I'm quite content doing very little for my salary.

I'm quite certain that the U.S. Postal Service is ran by anarchists who want nothing more than to see the downfall of civilized society. Take for instance my move to my new apartment. Before this move, I lived with my grandfather, whose name is Charles Crow Sr. My name is not Charles Crow Sr, nor is it Charles Crow III or anything similar. So, one would assume the USPS could get my change of address right without fucking it up. Not only have they forwarded some of grampa's mail to my apartment, but they also contacted Time magazine to change the address to my new apartment. This would have been an appreciated gesture except that this is my Grandpa's subscription, not mine. So now I have Time magazine showing up addressed to my grandpa with my address. When society crumbles, and the economy comes crashing to a halt, and bands of nomadic warriors roam the radioactive lands in search of gasoline and meat, the USPS will be sitting in their offices and distribution centers laughing maniacally while their fingers are evily steepled in front of their cruel faces.

So, the pic of Spider-Man's new costume is out on the net. This is direct from Marvel, but who knows, it could be an elaborate joke, but I doubt it. Not that I mind the new look, it's just quite different from what I expected. It will probably be temporary anyway because fans will bitch and moan until Marvel caves, much like DC did with the short-lived Electro Superman. Well anyways, take a look at the costume here: http://www.marvel.com/publishing/stories/showstory.htm?id=67

I've said it before, and by God, I'll say it again: I hate how Hollywood tries to capitalize on a good thing by beating it to death with the tire-iron of overexposure. They're doing it again, this time with The Butterfly Effect. Now, I've never seen this movie but I hear it's quite good. It did better than expected at the box office and received good reviews. Ergo, Hollywood must kill it, and kill it good. There will be a Butterfly Effect 2 movie made. If you don't believe me, see this: http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=12667 Oh, but if that can't destroy it, this will: The Butterfly Effect TV Series: http://www.comingsoon.net/news/tvnews.php?id=12666 Leave shit alone will you? I know Hollywood is in a slump right now and the studios need success where they can get it, but after this last year, Hollywood should realize that sequels and re-makes aren't what people really want to see, unless they're well made. While we're on this topic, let's take a quick look back at 2005 and see what remakes and sequels we got, only because this topic pisses me off.

• Appleseed (OK, this was freakin' sweet)
• Elektra (Kinda a sequel)
• Assault on Precinct 13
• Son of the Mask
• Be Cool
• The Ring Two
• Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous
• The Amityville Horror
• XXX: State of the Union
• Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (A remake if you count the mini-seris the BBC produced)
• House of Wax
• Star Wars Episode III: ROTS
• Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist
• The Longest Yard
• The Honeymooners
• Batman Begins
• Herbie: Fully Loaded
• Bewitched
• Land of the Dead
• War of the Worlds
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
• Bad News Bears
• The Devil's Rejects
• The Dukes of Hazard
• Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
• Transporter 2
• The Fog
• The Legend of Zorro
• Saw II
• Zathura (Sorta sequel)
• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
• King Kong
• Cheaper by the Dozen 2

I've missed a few I'm sure. Some of these were awesome movies, but most were utter crap, let's face it. Will 2006 be any different? I sure hope so:

• Underworld: Evolution
• Big Momma's House 2
• Final Destination 3
• The Pink Panther
• Dr. Dolittle 3
• The Hills Have Eyes
• The Shaggy Dog
• Basic Instinct 2
• Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
• Scary Movie 4
• Mission: Impossible: III
• Poseidon
• X3
• The Omen 666
• The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
• Garfield 2
• Superman Returns
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
• Miami Vice
• Jackass 2
• Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Origin
• The Grudge 2
• Saw 3
• The Santa Clause 3
• Casino Royale
• Charlotte's Web

AW FUCK ME!! Now I'm depressed from researching that list. Like 2005, I'm only looking forward to a few of these. If you're eagerly anticipating any more than 5 of these, let me know and I'll be sure to place you on my next posting's list of: Top 10 Freaks and Idiots of 2005.

I will accept nominations via comments sections for afforementioned Freaks and Idiots Award list.