Tomfoolery and Poppycock

This coming weekend will be full of both as Shane and I make a small road trip to Kansas City and then to my perent's place in good old Nebraska. Plus, I just like saying Tomfoolery and Poppycock. It will be a good weekend, but also depressing knowing that I won't be at the 2006 G.I. Joe Convention. Oh well, shit happens. I haven't actually posted a Stupid MotherFucker of the Week award on here for a few weeks but I'm sure I'll have enough candidates after my little trip to fill a few weeks up. I'll be driving through Kansas, Missouri, and Nebraska on this trip, and if any states are full of stupid motherfuckers, it's these three.

Of course a trip, even a minor one like this, has its problems. Money being the first one. Sure, I can afford it, but just barely. Also, some of my friends just don't understand how short of a trip this is. I'll be at my parent's house in Nebraska from about 4 P.M. on Saturday afternoon until 7 A.M. Sunday morning. Obviously, my parents want us to eat dinner there on Saturday night. Yet, my friend Brian wants us to drive 35 miles to where he lives so we can "hang out" with him. He just can't understand the facts. This isn't a week long trip. This is a 3 day trip with 19 hours of drive time. I'm glad Brian doesn't read this blog because then he'd know I think he's being a dumbass. Hey dumbass, how about you come visit me in Denver like you said you were going to do 2 years ago? I thought so.

Although I don't have to worry about Samantha on this vacation at all. Sure, she's my fiancee and I enjoy taking trips with her, but sometimes you just have a take a tiny break from the significant other. it doesn't mean you hate them, it just means you need some "me" time, or in this case, some "guy" time. In addition, I like driving. I find it soothing and calming. However, if it's too soothing and calming, I wind up dozing off and slamming into a bus full of children at 80 mph. Sure, I wouldn't mind that at all, but the law enforcement comminity frowns upon dead kids.

Samantha and I have been "looking into" getting a grill for our patio. By "looking into," I mean taking the time to set money aside to buy one. Our apartment complex only allows gas grills though and not charcoal ones. That's fine with me since I'm a damn lazy bastard. My grandfather bought a new gas grill last summer. Sure, it was a cheap one, but it does it's job. On Saturday, he just gave it to us, saying that he won't use it ever again. Grandfathers can be so nice at times. We used it twice this weekend to grill us up some hot dogs, or "dogs" as they're called in the hood. I sure do like meat.

Enough of my incessant ramblings. It's time to Shock and Awe you with my uncalled for bombing and invasion of the country known as DVD Releases.

• Annapolis (Widescreen) - Does anyone really care about this film?
• Blue Collar Comedy Tour - One for the Road (Widescreen Edition) - Once again, does anyone really care about this film, other than Alabama?
• Commander in Chief: The Inaugural Edition Part 1 - Apparently, people loved this show and thought it was really good television. Yet, it has been cancelled so it must have been lacking something.
• Failure to Launch (Special Collector's Edition - Widescreen) - I can promise you that this film will never pass before my precious eyes.
• Fear Factor: The First Season - Great, now I can relive all those memories of complete morons eating cow intestines and rat assholes.
• Find Me Guilty - This film looked mildly interesting. I just may rent it.
• Independence Day: 10th Anniversary Edition - Alright. I've had enough of this God Damn movie on DVD. This is at least the fifth time this movie has been released on DVD, I shit you not. So the Limited Edition or the 5 Star Edition wasn't enough? What really pissed me off was the new slipcover that was thrown on to the 2002 edition od ID4 to capitalize off of War of the Worlds. Take a look at 2 War of the Worlds DVD designs and then the ID4 slipcover and tell me it isn't cheap combination of the 2.

• Leroy & Stitch - Yep, another pointless Disney sequel.
• Ultraviolet (Unrated Extended Cut) - Maybe someday I'll be so bored that I'll rent this film to see how bad it really is, but that day won't be anytime soon.

That is it for the DVD releases for this week, and as you can already determine, it's best to just skip the DVD shelves altogether this week. But not the porno shelves. NEVER skip those.

You've read this one already..

I just changed the title.

This weekend, in between kicking Shane's ass in LazerTag and cooking a damn fine casserole, I decided to watch some old movies. Not old like Citizen Kane, old like 12 years ago old. You see, I was able to pick up DVD copies of Mortal Kombat and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. When I was 15 years old, I though Mortal Kombat was an enjoyabe action film based off of an enjoyable series of games. When I was 17, I thought Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (MKA) really sucked more than anything could possibly suck. I wanted to watch these 2 films again to see if my opinions had changed, as they do with films sometimes. My thoughts are as follows:

Mortal Kombat : Wow. This film wasn't as good as I had remembered. Now it isn't horrible, and I still enjoy it for what it is, but some of the acting is just horrible. I must say though, I quite enjoy the character of Kano as played by Trevor Goddard. It is exactly how he should be played and it saddens me that if Kano is ever in another MK film, Trevor won't be playing him since the dumbass died of a drug overdose in 2003. And the guy playing Johnny Cage also was a good fit. Some of the special effects, like Reptile, really suck too, at least by today's discerning moviegoer's eyes. Yeah, this movie is cheesy, but still kind of fun.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation: I was really hoping that this film was better than I had remembered it. It, in fact, is worse. Now, I enjoy action movies, but this film is ridiculous. This is the action movie equivalent of a porno film. Two minutes of shittly plot, followed by 5 minutes of sex, or in this case, fighting. Repeat that over and over and you have the film. This had 2 major negative effects on the film. 1: I got God Damn tired of watching people fight really fast. 2: The final battel between Liu Kang and Shao Kahn at the end of the film looses all importance because it's just another fight. Near the end, I was so tired of mindless fights, I was really hoping that Liu Kang and Shao Kang would resolve their problems over a thrilling game of Mortal Kheckers, complete with a thumping techno beat.

This wasn't the only bad part of the film. There are so many, I just have to talk about some of them because they're so damn bad!

The acting is even worse than that of the 1st movie. The casting makes no sense. Alot of the characters from the 1st film are recast, and recast poorly. The plot is really only there to set-up the next fight. This movie is supposed to take place immediately after the first, yet the characters are wearing different outfits at the beginning of this film. There is a scene where Sonya Blade gets covered, and I mean absolutely covered in mud, yet in the next scene, she looks like she has never even seen mud and her white tank top looks like it just came out of the wash. The effects in this film suck too, especially when Liu Kang and Shao Kahn turn into dragons near the end. Yep, you heard right, they turn into dragons to fight. Which is really fucking pointless since about 3 minutes later, they turn back into their human forms for the "final" battle. I had thought that the final battle had been going on for 5 minutes already, but apparently not.

My final rant about this piece of crap are the costumes. The filmakers kept all the outfits exactly as they are in the game, but they don't translate to film at all. This is the perfect example of how when an outfit works in one form, such as a comic or game, it doesn't necesarily work on film. Nightwolf looked like a bad-ass Native American in MKIII. He looks like a gay Indian in the movie. And purple spandex doesn't work on ANY character in ANY movie.

I hated this film and I like a lot of shitty action films, but this one is too damn bad even for me. In fact, this film was so bad, that after watching it, I couldn't remember what about the 1st film I thought was bad. It's like fuckin' Shakespeare compared to the 2nd. A third film, Mortal Kombat: Devastation, is in pre=production now, and I'm hoping for the sake of the Earth itself, that's it's an improvement. The casting is going back to the first film so hopefully they do the whole "Highlander 2" scenario and totally ignore that the 2nd film ever happened.

Alright, enough about films that no one gives a rat's ass about. On to the DVD releases for tomorrow and I must say that finally the drought is over and we've got some good shit hitting the shelves tomorrow, although most of it is suppled by DC.

• The Adventures of Superboy: The Complete First Season - Honestly, I can only remember seeing like 1 episode of this when it was on the air in 1988 and I can't even remember if it was good or not. For some reason though, I'm kind of excited to pick it up and give it a try. Apparently, the cast changed, including Superboy, after season one and the show was much better for seasons 2-4.
• Adventures of Superman: The Complete Third and Fourth Seasons - The old timey classics, which I've never actually watched.
• Eight Below (Widescreen) - Oh joy. A Disney movie satrring Paul Walker and a bunch of sled dogs. I'm taking a guess here by saying that the dogs are better actors than Paul Walker.
• The Hills Have Eyes (Unrated) - I'm getting tired of every shittly horror movie being released as "Unrated." How about you just release the cut you want to release in the first place? Two more minutes of gore isn't going to make me want to see the fim any more than I had wanted to in the first place, which wasn't much at all.
• Justice League: Season Two - WOOOT!!!!
• Krypto: The Superdog, Volume One - Cosmic Canine - There are a lot of DC themed releases this fine day, but this is one I'll be passing on.
• Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman - The Complete Third Season - Meh. I never really got into this show.
• Look, Up in the Sky: The Amazing Story of Superman - Documentaries are for sissues.
• Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure - Disney is really good at making meaningless sequels just to rake in the money, and sadly, most of them suck.
• Night Watch (Nochnoi Dozor) - I've heard so many different opinions on this Russian film that I really want to see it to form my own opinion. It looks good from the previews anyway.
• Superman: The Animated Series - Volume Three - Another DC release that I must have.
• Superman: Brainiac Attacks - This is a new film that, like the Superman Animated Series, uses Tim Daly as the voice of Superman. The Justice League toon used another voice actor. I'll buy this too.
• Syriana (Widescreen) - I unfortunately was unable to see this in the theatres so I'm really looking forward to seeing it now. George Clooney is the shit.

And that's it. You see, I told you that this week was better than the last few. Always listen to Crow and you'll come out ok. Next week, we're back to the suckage.

I'm Made Out of People!!!!!!

So, everyone is told at some point in their life that they look like a celebrity. Take Andy for instance, he kinda looks like Moby, but on Heroin. I thought’s today’s comment from a library patron on who I resemble was most hilarious. First, let me list those celebrities that I’ve previously been told I look like:

• Johnny Rzeznik, lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls.
• Charles Manson - Not so much of a celebrity, but I still count it.
• Dr. Evil - Not really a celeb either, just a movie character, but I've been told by more than one person that I reming them of Dr. Evil when I'm not even trying to mimic him. This and Manson leads me to believe that people think I'm a bad person at heart, and if I ever find out for sure that they think this, I'll stab them in the neck with a pencil.
• A young Elvis Presley. Yes, I too said "What the Fuck?" when some idiot told me this. I guess it's better than looking like an old Elvis Presley, which I'll probably acheive in the next 3 years if I play my cards right.

But today's comment was possibly the greatest of them all. You probably figured it out from today's title. Yep, someone just said I look like Charlton Heston. This is kinda disturbing because I've been told that I'm distantly related to him, through marriage hopefully. It's also odd because I've openly mocked Heston and his acting chops for many a year. Not to his face though, that man owns a lot of guns. I can see the Manson lookalike connection when I've got my Hobo look going. I can even vaguely see a tiny Rzeznik similarity when my hair was longer and died like it was 6 years ago. But the Presly one? Hell no. And certainly not the Heston one. I don't sound like him either. I don't talk as if my teeth constantly hurt. I'm never sure if I should take these comments as compliments or insults.

To celebrate this fine day, I will leave you with some of Heston's more valuable contributions to movie dialogue:

• You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
• It's people. Soylent Green is made out of people. They're making our food out of people.
• Sweet Christ...

Thank you Mr. Heston, you're both a gentelman and a scholar.

I Think I'm Sick

Something is terribly wrong with me. I have absolutely nothing to bitch and moan about today. Had my weekend sucked, this Monday would also suck; however, my weekend was great. This is why my weekend was great:

• My computer works. Apparently, the woman didn't fry it when she spilled the cup of water.
• I found some tough to find Marvel Legend figs.
• I found an amazing deal on G.I. Joes toys from some guy who wants to get shafted instead of making a profit.
• After years of inactivity, I finally got another chance for some quality war games. A buddy and myself went up to a quiet national park and played a few rousing games of laser tag. We have these sweet-ass rifles that fire a nerf-like missle than can tag the other players. Years ago, I said a lazer tag grenade would be the next logical step, and the man listened. Did I win you ask? Well of course. I not only supply extra lazer tag guns when needed, I suppy the cold depressing onslaught of total domination.

If you personally know me, you'll not only wish me dead, but you'll know that I'm quite good at seeing into the future. Every so often, I plan to use my psychic abilities to pull a news article from the future of a famous individual. Today, I will pull an article from the August 13, 2013 edition of the Sydney Daily News. I decided to hightlight Richard Branson today because eveyday he decides to try something new and wacky and I wanted to see how he actually ends up dying:

Entrepreneur Richard Branson Dead at 63
Sydney, Australia

Tragedy struck at 6:04 P.M. Tuesday evening when billionaire Richard Branson finally met his fate. Founder of the Virgin empire, including successful airline, railway, media, and space travel projects, was well-known for his dangerous ventures both inside and outside of the board room. Branson was often criticized by his investors for his risky behavior, including jaunts on experimental, and untested, aircrafts and space faring vehicles. Parachuting, base jumping, and hang gliding were a few of Branson’s more dangerous “hobbies.” The ordinary man wouldn’t have been able to indulge himself like this, but Branson, worth over four billion dollars, could afford the most outrageous of stunts.

His last risky adventure would prove to be the most dangerous of all. According to the IMAX film crew documenting his last adventure, Branson suffered multiple lacerations from razor-sharp, diamond-tipped, poison-laced tusks while fighting an army of his genetically engineered WARthogs on his specially designed flying battle city, entitled VirginSacrifice. Branson boarded VirginSacrifice encased within his hydrogen-powered armor boots and armed only with a laser crossbow, a 2x4 with a rusty nail in it, and a thirst for excitement. Branson was successful in killing eight WARthogs before the remaining 12 lured him into a trap and knocked him unconscious with powerful nerve gas secreted from their teats.

Richaard Branson, one of Richard Branson’s many clones, issued this statement: “We at Virgin Enterprises are shocked and saddened by Richard’s untimely passing. Now please excuse me while I take my daily injection to prevent my soy-based clone body from breaking down. Thank you.”

Richard Branson will be cremated and his ashes will be shot toward the sun, where the red star’s immense gravity will slingshot Bronson’s remains towards the black hole in the center of the galaxy.

Wow, I didn't see that one coming.

The DVD monkey has just flung his poo-of-new-releases at me.

• 16 Blocks (Widescreen) - I enjoy Bruce Willis as an actor and all, but this film just looks boring. A good cop has to protect a witness from the bad cops for, oddly enough, the length of 16 blocks. Throw in some badgers and then you've got a movie I'd pay to see.
• Beavis and Butt-Head, Vol. 2: The Mike Judge Collection - Patrick Stewart loves this show, and so should you.
• Dave Chappelle's Block Party (Unrated Widescreen) - I've barely seen any of Dave Chappelle's work and I already hate him.
• Dharma & Greg: Season One - It was only a matter of time before they started releasing this show on DVD. Somewhere out there, there are people happy about this. These people are called "Commies."
• MacGyver: The Complete Sixth Season - This is the show that taught me how to blow open the hull of a ship with only bleach, peanut butter, a ball-point pen, and an egg-timer. I can't count how many times that's come in handy.
• The Princess Bride - The "Buttercup Edition" - And if this isn't "Manly" enough for you, there's always...
• The Princess Bride - The "Dread Pirate Edition" - Two different packaging versions for your pleasure! I think everything else is the same about these releases, but this is a must buy.
• Sandler Collection - Big Daddy, 50 First Dates, and Mr. Deeds together in one amazingly craptacular package.
• Walker, Texas Ranger: The Complete First Season - Yes!! Finally a reason to incorporate Chuck Norris jokes into my blog!! There is no Theory of Evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. The opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan are loosely based on the games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played as a child. The “C-section” is named after Chuck Norris, for when he roundhouse kicked himself through his mother’s stomach. Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer...too bad Chuck Norris has never cried. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a guy so fast, that his foot broke the speed of light, travelled back through time, and killed Amelia Earhart and vaporized her plane while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

You see how funny Chuck Norris jokes can be?! I'm still laughing over the C-section joke.

On Bullshit

The topic for the majority of today's blog will be Bullshit. I know it's a new thing for this blog but let me just get right into it and I bet you'll catch on fast.

So my lovely fiancee Samantha accidentally spilled a cup of water last night onto the coffee table. Isn't it odd that I still call it a coffee table, yet I drink no coffee? My laptop was on this coffee table as well. My laptop won't turn on this morning. Right now, the laptop is a $1400 paperweight.

So, Samantha says I shouldn't be angry at her because it was an accident and she didn't mean to do it. I don't have the right to be angry when a very expensive piece of electronic equipment gets fried because of someone else's clumsyness?

BULLSHIT

So I says to Sam: "Well if I were out driving your car and someone smashed into it and totaled it, you'd be angry at me." To which she replies: "No I wouldn't be, because it would be an accident."

BULLSHIT

She would bitch and moan and make me feel guilty for it for the next 65 fuckin' years. Women, when they have nothing to be angry about, FIND reasons to be angry.

Also, why is it whenever Samantha spills something, it's ALWAYS my shit that gets damaged? Yeah yeah, I know that it technically our stuff, but like she cares about the Wizard Poster Book that got ruined a few months back. Yes, everything may be ours, but there are clearly items that belong to one or the other. In the 5+ years we've been together, she has spilled crap on cardboard DVD cases, comic books, and now a computer. She has knocked crap off tables causing me to loose some very small pieces to a 20 year old G.I. Joe item. Hell, it only took me 20 years to complete it, I'll just complete it again in 2026. I've NEVER seen her spill anything on her romance books or on really anything of hers. That my friends, is

BULLSHIT

Add to this the fact that now I have to redo 2 assignments for a cataloging class that were due tomorrow that had previously been safe and sound on my laptop, and you can see that I'm wading in a deep kiddee-pool of

BULLSHIT

You're beginning to see a recurring theme now aren't you? And that fact that she doesn't like to take responsibility pisses me off too. I know this wasn't intentional, but her saying this cheeses me off: "Well you can't be mad because I accidentally may have fried your computer." MAY HAVE MY ASS. IT WON'T FUCKING TURN ON FOR CHRISTSAKES. You DID fry it. Hey, what's that in the sky? Is it a bird or a plane? Nope, it's

BULLSHIT

Moving on to other issues: What is with these people who feel like they have to back into every parking space? Will that extra 3 seconds you save when you leave work or the SuperTarget really matter? Will it offset the 20 seconds you wasted trying to back into the space at the beginning of work? I'm not entirely sure, but I think the logic and reasoning center of your brains are full of, yep, you guessed it...

BULLSHIT

I'm also having an issue with Amazon. The online retailer, not the immensely large rainforest full of things that will eat me. I pre-ordered some Marvel Legends in February and the order is scheduled to ship sometime this week. Two weeks ago, I found some of these figures so I went to cancel them from my order. The website gives me an error message every time I try to cancel these items. Of course, I e-mailed Amazon for a prompt resolution. That was 2 weeks ago. Seven days ago, I got a second e-mail response from them telling me that they're trying to fix the problem and they'll get back to me in 2 days. Still nothing to this very day. WHAT FUCKING PROBLEM CAN THERE BE? JUST CANCEL THE DAMN ITEMS! Your system has no freakin' problem accepting new orders now does it? Why no, no it doesn't. How very odd. I wonder how much shipping Amazon will charge for the

BULLSHIT that they're sending me.

Alright, it's time to move on the the
STUPID MOTHERFUCKER OF THE WEEK, which also ties in nicely to the theme of today's thrilling show.

This week's winner is the illustrious group of assclowns that call themselves XM Radio Customer Service. I've had issues with them before, but this is the top dog. So last Friday I called them to cancel one of the 2 radios on my account due to us using the 2nd radio very little. After waiting on hold for 20 minutes, I got customer service who told me I had to call another number. And no, they couldn't just transfer me. After waiting another 20 minutes, I get a guy who verifies all of my info and hears my cancellation request. He then informs me that the system is down but he'll take all of the info and that another rep will call me when the system comes back up to let me know that the cancellation has indeed occured. That call never happened. Naturally, not wanting to wait on hold for another lifetime, I e-mailed XM yesterday asking what the deal is. I get this response:

** Dear Sean,
Thank you for contacting XM Satellite Radio.We recently received a request to deactivate an XM Satellite radio from your email address. Since we are unable to verify the identity of the sender of the email, the XM Satellite Radio Email Team is unable to process such a request. Instead, please call 1-800-998-7900 between the hours of 6 am and 2 am, Monday through Saturday and Sunday 8 am through 8 pm Eastern Standard Time. An XM Satellite Radio Listener Care phone representative will be happy to assist you.
Thank you, Dan Altmann XM's Listener Care Email Team **

Well, FUCK YOU DAN!!!!! Had your reps done their job, I wouldn't need to call back, I'm I'm damn sure not going to. You, or one of your fuck-tard reps, are going to call me, as I was told in the first place, and you'll cancel the GodDamn radio before I track your sorry ass down and beat the shit out of you with an electric stapler, which conveniently is the closest blunt object to me at the present time. You XM folk win the award not only for your incompetance, but also for your amazing commitment to

BULLSHIT

You like how I used both bold variance and color to hightlight certain words? I like it cause it's pretty. OK, I think I'm done complaining now so I'll move on the the DVDs that were released yesterday.

• Black Hawk Down (Extended Cut) - Sweet, all I wanted from this film is more indistinct guys running around screaming and getting shot.
• Charmed: The Complete Fifth Season - This DVD has just cast a spell on me. A spell that induces nausea and the urge to kill.
• Dazed and Confused (Criterion Collection) - The special edition of this film was released not even a year ago which is when I purchased it. Those dirty mother fuckers, I fell for their lies again. LIES!!!!
• The Drew Barrymore Collection - Never Been Kissed, Fever Pitch, AND Ever After. At least it isn't those god awful Charlie's Angels films, although honestly, is this set really much better? I say Hell No good sir!
• The Fast and the Furious: Franchise Collection - If I'm counting correctly, this is the 3rd release of the first film and the 2nd of the 2nd film. Anyone who remotely liked these films have already bought this set and had 6 children in the back of an '82 Camaro with their sister.
• Firewall (Widescreen Edition) - Horrible reviews and a re-re-re-re hashed plotline don't interest me in the least.
• George Clooney: The Collection - One Fine Day, Solaris, and the Thin Red Line make up this set. Sure, I think Clooney is one of the best actors for this generation, but this set seriously doesn't collect the 3 best films he's done. There are better choices.
• Glory Road (Widescreen) - Another "We can do it if we try!!" sports movie. Haven't we all had enough of these? Even sports fans have to be growing tired of these. Show me an inspirational story of a group of misguided Scottish athletes trying to make it big on the Caber toss circuit and I'll gladly pay for a ticket.
• He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: Season 2 V. 1 - Oh yeah!! Now we're talking! Finally a release worthy of my preciously-short attention span!
• Home Improvement: Season Four - And, just when it peeked it's head out, my attention has returned to it's den to hide.
• Mr. & Mrs. Smith - Unrated - Oh come on! The normal version just came out like 3 months ago. I fell for their lies agin!!! LIES!!!!!!!!
• Underworld: Evolution (Special Edition, Widescreen) - Do I even need to tell you this is a horrible film? Well, I guess I just did.

So that's it for today. Sure there are a lot od DVDs being released but, and I'm sure you saw this coming, most of them are nothing but

BULLSHIT!!!!