I Think I'm Sick

Something is terribly wrong with me. I have absolutely nothing to bitch and moan about today. Had my weekend sucked, this Monday would also suck; however, my weekend was great. This is why my weekend was great:

• My computer works. Apparently, the woman didn't fry it when she spilled the cup of water.
• I found some tough to find Marvel Legend figs.
• I found an amazing deal on G.I. Joes toys from some guy who wants to get shafted instead of making a profit.
• After years of inactivity, I finally got another chance for some quality war games. A buddy and myself went up to a quiet national park and played a few rousing games of laser tag. We have these sweet-ass rifles that fire a nerf-like missle than can tag the other players. Years ago, I said a lazer tag grenade would be the next logical step, and the man listened. Did I win you ask? Well of course. I not only supply extra lazer tag guns when needed, I suppy the cold depressing onslaught of total domination.

If you personally know me, you'll not only wish me dead, but you'll know that I'm quite good at seeing into the future. Every so often, I plan to use my psychic abilities to pull a news article from the future of a famous individual. Today, I will pull an article from the August 13, 2013 edition of the Sydney Daily News. I decided to hightlight Richard Branson today because eveyday he decides to try something new and wacky and I wanted to see how he actually ends up dying:

Entrepreneur Richard Branson Dead at 63
Sydney, Australia

Tragedy struck at 6:04 P.M. Tuesday evening when billionaire Richard Branson finally met his fate. Founder of the Virgin empire, including successful airline, railway, media, and space travel projects, was well-known for his dangerous ventures both inside and outside of the board room. Branson was often criticized by his investors for his risky behavior, including jaunts on experimental, and untested, aircrafts and space faring vehicles. Parachuting, base jumping, and hang gliding were a few of Branson’s more dangerous “hobbies.” The ordinary man wouldn’t have been able to indulge himself like this, but Branson, worth over four billion dollars, could afford the most outrageous of stunts.

His last risky adventure would prove to be the most dangerous of all. According to the IMAX film crew documenting his last adventure, Branson suffered multiple lacerations from razor-sharp, diamond-tipped, poison-laced tusks while fighting an army of his genetically engineered WARthogs on his specially designed flying battle city, entitled VirginSacrifice. Branson boarded VirginSacrifice encased within his hydrogen-powered armor boots and armed only with a laser crossbow, a 2x4 with a rusty nail in it, and a thirst for excitement. Branson was successful in killing eight WARthogs before the remaining 12 lured him into a trap and knocked him unconscious with powerful nerve gas secreted from their teats.

Richaard Branson, one of Richard Branson’s many clones, issued this statement: “We at Virgin Enterprises are shocked and saddened by Richard’s untimely passing. Now please excuse me while I take my daily injection to prevent my soy-based clone body from breaking down. Thank you.”

Richard Branson will be cremated and his ashes will be shot toward the sun, where the red star’s immense gravity will slingshot Bronson’s remains towards the black hole in the center of the galaxy.

Wow, I didn't see that one coming.

The DVD monkey has just flung his poo-of-new-releases at me.

• 16 Blocks (Widescreen) - I enjoy Bruce Willis as an actor and all, but this film just looks boring. A good cop has to protect a witness from the bad cops for, oddly enough, the length of 16 blocks. Throw in some badgers and then you've got a movie I'd pay to see.
• Beavis and Butt-Head, Vol. 2: The Mike Judge Collection - Patrick Stewart loves this show, and so should you.
• Dave Chappelle's Block Party (Unrated Widescreen) - I've barely seen any of Dave Chappelle's work and I already hate him.
• Dharma & Greg: Season One - It was only a matter of time before they started releasing this show on DVD. Somewhere out there, there are people happy about this. These people are called "Commies."
• MacGyver: The Complete Sixth Season - This is the show that taught me how to blow open the hull of a ship with only bleach, peanut butter, a ball-point pen, and an egg-timer. I can't count how many times that's come in handy.
• The Princess Bride - The "Buttercup Edition" - And if this isn't "Manly" enough for you, there's always...
• The Princess Bride - The "Dread Pirate Edition" - Two different packaging versions for your pleasure! I think everything else is the same about these releases, but this is a must buy.
• Sandler Collection - Big Daddy, 50 First Dates, and Mr. Deeds together in one amazingly craptacular package.
• Walker, Texas Ranger: The Complete First Season - Yes!! Finally a reason to incorporate Chuck Norris jokes into my blog!! There is no Theory of Evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. The opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan are loosely based on the games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played as a child. The “C-section” is named after Chuck Norris, for when he roundhouse kicked himself through his mother’s stomach. Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer...too bad Chuck Norris has never cried. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a guy so fast, that his foot broke the speed of light, travelled back through time, and killed Amelia Earhart and vaporized her plane while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

You see how funny Chuck Norris jokes can be?! I'm still laughing over the C-section joke.