I'll have to sell a kidney.

I only need one kidney to live right? I'll need to get rid of one to pay for everything. Now, I'm not complaining, because it's a good thing in the long run. Samantha and I are moving into an apartment on the 16th. It's time to move out of Grandpa's place. If anyone is interested, here are the floorplans: http://www.rent.com/property/floorplans/16292/1/1/468605/?sp=3#content

I like the apartment quite a lot. The ample storage space was quite the selling point. In addition to this new apartment, we ordered a buch of new furniture to furnish it. I won't even tell you how much we spent, but since we will be getting married and spending a few years together, we'd have to get new furniture sometime anyways. It's a good investment, unlike those Indonesian prostitutes I picked-up last weekend. What a dissapointment. I expected a few trans-sexuals, but Noooooooo, they had to all be women.

The other items to sap my monetary resources this week will be the DVDs that come out tomorrow. It will be an awesome day for releases, but crap-in-a-hat, do they think my kidney is made of gold? I don't plan on buying the first 2 on the list, those are rentals, but the rest are needed like I need a bottle of scotch right now. And, I need that, believe me.

24 - Season 4 - Like I said, a rental. Not worth buying.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Volume 4 - I don't own the 1st 3 so no use buying this either.

Batman: The Animated Series - Volume Four (From the New Batman Adventures) This set has some amazing episodes and surprisingly, some pretty dark episodes. How a few of these made it to television, I'll never know.

Fantastic Four (Widescreen) *note* the standard edition will only be $15 or so, but I'm tempted to invest in the BestBuy exclusive edition with 3 disks, a comic-book, and trading cards in a collectible tin. That's only going to set me back $30. Fuck me naked with a spoon.

Star Wars: Clone Wars - Volume Two - The movies blew serious ass. The cartoon, on the other hand, is worth owning.

Superman: The Animated Series - Volume Two - A nice complement to the Batman animated series.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Volume 3 - Vintage Turtles toons! They still kinda suck, but in a good way that makes one feel all warm and fuzzy, like the aforementioned scotch.

Of course, some utter crap will also be released tomorrow. Let me bash these offerings:

American Ninja 4: The Annihilation - Who the fuck saw American Ninja 1 through 3? And, isn't this a horrible oxymoron, like "French Military" or "Jewish Bacon-Lover?" What the hell is an American Ninja anyways? Is it a ninja that fights for the valus of America? Or, is it a Ninja who came to this country and continued their ninja-ish acticities? Watch the movie to find out, then call me so I can criticize you.

American Ninja 5 - And, they made another one. I hear the next series will be called: Canadian Samurai.

Delta Force 3 - I was going to joke that this was Chuck Norris' best work since Walker: Texas Ranger, until I found out this movie is so shitty even he didn't want to be in it.

The Dukes of Hazzard (Unrated Widescreen Edition) - How can I possibly make a joke about this that hasn't already been done a thousand times? On a side note, at least one copy will sell. I hear Geroge W. Bush loves this movie. It reminds him of the good ol' days when he and his brother Jeb would jump Chickasaw Creek with a carload o' moonshine to outsmart that wiley Sherriff Coltrane. I tell you, he was madder'en a sackfull of badgers that day.

Everybody Loves Raymond: The Complete Fifth Season - I'm not a big fan of sitcoms, never have been, and this one proves that the senseless masses will watch anything the T.V. puts in front of them. Granted, some sitcoms are funny, but not this one, much like this blog.

Jackass: Volume One - I kinda enjoy watching stupid people hurt themselves on purpose, but then again, I have a bunch of friends who always seem to f-up and hurt themselves on accident and to me, that's a whole lot more enjoyable.

Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica - The Final Season - The 1st seasons sold enough to warrant the final season being released? Now since these two are calling the marriage quits, I bet seeing this on the shelves is really gonna piss em' off.

Saved by the Bell - Seasons 6 & 7 - This is one of those shows that I've ALWAYS hated. When I was a wee little lad in the highlands of Scotland, my schoolmates would watch this show 24-7. It was constantly on, either on TBS, WGN, or USA. I hated it then, I hate it now, I will hate it untill I die or someone kills me. Oh Sonofabitch, now I've got the theme song stuck in my head.


Well, that's it for now. For those of you that I care to have it. I'll get you my new address in a few days. If I don't get you my new address then yes, I am trying to avoid you. Later.

It's all right, cause I'm saved by the bell....

DAMNIT!!

Space Radio is Freakin' Sweet

By Space Radio, I mean satellite radio. I prefer to call it Space Radio because it sounds just a tiny bit cooler, but it makes me think: What if the radio waves are altered by cosmic rays much like the Fantastic 4 were? Then it would be Fantasti-Radio. Now that's a name. How 'bout I just get to the fuckin' point you say? Alright, I will. XM radio is nice, very nice. Sure, one has to pay $13 a month, but in return, one gets over 150 channels. The best part: All channels are uncensored and commercial free. This means no more God Damned John Elway auto delaership ads and all the swearing my bastard little ears can take. Oh how I love Freedom of Speech. George W. Bush is a flaming Asshole. See, isn't it great?

Since I'm somewhat of a movie buff, I thought I'd continue with a quick review of the DVDs that are released today.

• CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Season 5 - This show was spiffy and new 6 years ago. Now, it's becoming tired and worn. I'll spoil every single episode from Season 5 by saying this: Someone gets killed and the CSI team solves the case and the killer isn't who you think it is.
• Death to the Supermodels - I have no idea what this is, but the title sounds promising.
• Duece Bigalow: European Gigolo - This movie made roughly $36.71 at the box office, for good reason. It is for this reson that you should skip this movie entirely and buy the next movie on this list.
• Family Guy: Volume 3 - See, I told you to buy this, and I was correct as always. Although I don't quite like some of the minor changes to this show over the years, it's still quite funny for those of us with infantile senses of humor.
• Jurassic Park Adventure Pack - JP 1-3 released again for our viewing pleasure. Whereas the 1st film was great, the only adventure you'll get out of the last two is the trip to the bathroom to vomit.
• March of the Penguins - Haven't seen it but I've heard it's a good documentary. Might be worth renting.
• Mr. and Mrs. Smith - An enjoyable movie. Not really much else to say about it. If you like action films with some humor thrown it, see it. If you like watching Angelina Jolie kill people away with a shotgun while wearing practicaly nothing, then definately see it.
• The Mummy Collector's Set - They couldn't give this set to me. These films were horrible. Mind you, this is the same director that went on to make Van Helsing. This review coming to you from the guy who paid for the DVD containing Universal Soldier 2 and 3, so trust me, I know shitty movies. If you buy this set, I'll cut you.
• Murderball - A documentary about crippled rugby players in sooped-up wheelchairs. Fuckin' Awesome!!! Although I probably shouldn't use the term "crippled." I think they now prefer the term "physically defective."
• Sky High - It got pretty good reviews and it is a superhero themed movie, so I'm interested in seeing it, but since the target audience was children, it may not necessarily be all that enjoyable for adults.

Ok, so maybe that wasn't a "short" review of the DVDs this week, but it's my damn blog so deal with it. If you have any concerns about my blog, please direct them to this number: 303-734-8451. I don't know who's number this is, but I'm sure they'd love to hear your comments anyway.

Goble of Fire....or Goblet of Filth? and other trivial bits

Saturday night was the specified viewing time for the new Harry Potter movie. Note: the viewing time was specified by Samantha, who tends to specify quite a lot. Reading the title of this post, you may be under the impression that I didn't like the movie, and if so, you're wrong. I just did that as an attention grabber to pull the blog reader into this posting. It's a little tool we use in the journalism industry.

The Goblet of Fire was quite good overall. Now I haven't read any of the books, so I don't have a basis for judging them off of the original work. I hear a lot was left out, but that's only natural considering Goblet of Fire was the largest Potter book to date. The movie itself is around 2 1/2 hours, but that time went incredibly fast, almost too fast. Due to the filmmakers trying to cram as much as they could into those 150 minutes, the movie seems a bit rushed. Goblet of Fire is definately darker than the previous 3 films have been, which I quite enjoy. From someone who has never read the books, I'd have to say that I like Prisoner of Azkaban a bit better than Goblet of Fire, even though I've heard Azkaban is the least closest to its book counterpart. Goblet of Fire is a worthly addition to the film series and I await the next film, not as much as I await X-Men 3, but await nonetheless.

Now for the trivial bits.

I saw the teaser trailer for Superman Returns. Honestly, it isn't much of a trailer or teaser. With Brian Singer at the helm and Kevin Spacey as Luthor, I'm sure the film will be fine, but the teaser shows us little except, most noteable, a shot of Superman in costume hovering above the Earth. Well that's just awesome, I didn't know he could do that. Did you know Superman could fly? Shit. Thanks for the effort Warner Bros. You could have just done the teaser this way and saved some time:

• Black screen - Fade into the Superman "S' shield logo. Superman theme playing quietly in the background.
• The Superman shield slowly morphs into Brian Singer giving us the finger.
• The standard movie trailer voice guy says, "Fuck you Fanboys. You'll see the trailer when we're damn good and ready, until then, Here's Krypto!"
• The screen cuts to a live action dog with a cape flying through the clouds.
• Cut to black. "Summer 2006" flashes onscreen. Fade out.

Saw the 1st trialer for Lady in the Water, the next film by M. Night Shayamalamlong, or however the hell you spell his name. I can't say it looks all that exciting.

Tomorrow, new DVDs for the week are released. Let's run down some of the choices, shall we?

• Alien Vs. Predator Unrated Edition - Oh joy. I can't tell you how many people I know have been looking forward to this edition, but I'll try anyway. Let's see, there's me and then there's......well, no one else. In fact, I think I have to take my name off the list.
• Eight Millimeter 2 - I didn't even see the 1st 8mm with Nic Cage that came out 6 freakin' years ago. I'm not going to bust my ass trying to find a copy of this either.
• King Kong (1976) - The worst King Kong movie since King Kong Vs. Godzilla. That still pisses me off. King Kong could NEVER beat Godzilla, this I know.
• The Polar Express - Never saw it, don't care to, but for those who liked it, you only had to wait a year after its theatrical release to own it. What a crock of marketing shit.
• War of the Worlds (2005) - The worst War of the Worlds movie since War of the Worlds Vs. Godzilla. To be serious for a moment, this movie really was quite bad. Special effects, freakin awesome; however, that is the only part of the movie I was impressed by. The rest of the movie was mediocre at best. If aliens are listening to our media in order to decide whether or not to attack us, we're all fucking screwed if they see this movie. They'll be like, "What the fuck is this shit? Are they just asking us to kill them?"*

*Translated from Hejsrwlneese.

My humble opinion on the Dark Tower series....

I finished the Dark Tower series by Stephen King yesterday. That's quite a feat really since it took the man over 30 years to write the god damn series. Fortunately, it doesn't take quite that long to read, long enough however to make one feel as though Mr. King owes me something. When I turned the last page of the last book and read the ending Mr. King gave me, I feel let-down, and quite frankly, a bit pissed off. Now, I'm not one of those people who believes a writer should finish a series in a way to simply appease the fans and make them happy. Oh no, if you're the author, it's your right to finish it however the hell you want, and I respect that. On the flip side, after more than 4,000 pages of reading for me, and the same amount and 30+ years for Stephen King, I just expected a little more thought put into the ending then what we actually got. In the Epilogue, Mr. King states that he ended it the way he did because that's just how it happened, and that he couldn't have written it any other way because this is what felt "right." I don't doubt that's true, but, in my opinion, a fucked-up ending is still a fucked-up ending no matter what the reasons are behind it. Overall it's a great series, and the ending in no way brings the series down as a whole. I recommend this series to anyone. Sure, the first book, The Gunslinger, is a bit hard to follow but, considering it was one of King's very first works when he was a very young man, that can be overlooked as the series continues to improve through each volume.

But the ending? Jesus H. Christ King, what were you thinking? A resolution isn't always necessary, but like I said, after over 4,000 pages, a resolution would sure be flippin' nice. Thank you Mr. King for this wonderful epic. Thank you Mr. King for the enjoyment I had reading it. Lastly, thank you Mr. King for respecting your principles and ending it your own way, but couldn't you have at least thrown us a fuckin' bone for our troubles?

A journey into madness

Yes, while I was on vacation, I stayed with my parents for a few days. I'm curious how I managed to live with them for 18 years when I can't seemingly stand to be around them for more than 5 hours at a time. My dad is the type of guy who thinks he's a lot funnier than he actually is. I mean I tell some stupid jokes, but my dad makes CarrotTop look like a fuckin' comic genius. My mom is one of the nicest people I know, unless she's taling about my father. All the woman does is bitch and complain about him. I sure do bitch about a number of things, but I don't concentrate all of my rants on one subject.....unless you consider "life" one large subject.

On the whole, my vacation was good. Let me list some good points of the vacation in chronological order.

• On Saturday, we hung out with John, his wife, and a few others at his apartment. I realized that I am the master at Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture Edition. If anyone wants to challenge me, you're free to do so, but I'll warn you now: You'll only end up in the fetal position crying about the only thing you'll ever possess: Stupidity.
• Sunday and Monday was spent in Blair and Omaha with a few fine homies. Normally, this wouldn't be enough to drown my boredom, but since I haven't seen these chums in a year and a half, or more, it was nice.
• Tuesday I found a Marvel Legends Goliath and Dark Phoenix figures at the small town Wal-Mart my mom used to work at. I have been looking for these elusive sons-of-bitches for a year now. That right EBay scalpers, you heard me: FUCK OFF!!! I was so happy I almost peed myself. Actually, I might have peed myself, I was so happy that the rest of the day is shrouded in a haze.
• Wednesday - Went to Lincoln to shop with the parents. That wasn't so good, but I ate at a place called Whiskey Creek. The name alone begs one to eat there. A half rack of ribs and a crapload of BBQ pork later, I went to shop for toys. Unfortunately, I didn't find any good toys. I probably would have found some good ones had I gone sooner and not stuffed my gullet full of flesh. DAMN MY GLUTTONY!
• Thursday was a day for relaxation. I bought a bunch more plastic tubs to store toys in and spent the day cataloging and packing it up for easier storage. That may not sound like a good day to anyone else, but it's a big project and I'm always glad to work on it. After all, I do have 500 or so packaged figures that need to be properly stored.
• Friday was a day devoted to my pal Brian. We went to see Saw II because he wanted to see it. While it was better than the 1st film, it was still a mediocre movie. The best part of the day was instigating arguments between Brian and his wife, Jolene. It's funny to see other people fight in the front seat while you sit in the backseat chuckling gleefully at your fruitfull machinations. They didn't even realize I was doing it. That's what they get for making me ride in the backseat. I called Shotgun damnit. It isn't my fault Jolene doesn't recognize and respect it when someone calls "shotgun." There are rules that should NEVER be broken, and this is one of them.
• Saturday we came back to Denver. That wasn't so great because it meant the return to work, school, and the mundane heap which is my life. The good part was when I got back, I had $80 worth of G.I. Joe toys to open and play with waiting for me.

As for our next vacation, Sam wants to go to California to see her family. I don't. I would rather kill myself with a bottle of Drano, go to Hell and sit on a really hot fucking coal, and be fed Peeps and Black Licorice every day until I puke out my organs only to have it repeated the next day and the next for all of eternity. Unfortunately, I don't think I have much say in the matter.

Christmas is coming up as I'm sure you all know. I'll make it easy on you and just tell you what I want:

Drano. A big bottle of Drano.