FUCK TITLES!!!

If this were a normal week, I'd have posted yesterday, but this isn't a normal week, so piss off.

But read my blog before you piss off.

It isn't a normal week because I called in sick to work yesterday, hence no internet access to post. Also, I'm going on vacation this Friday so that makes this week doubleplus good. Of course, this vacation means that I may not get to post here for the next two Mondays.

It's cold here. I mean it's "it snowed yesterday" cold. Aren't we supposed to be enjoying lovely spring weather now, not more freakin' snow? I've finally got a balcony of my own at my apartment and I can't even enjoy it. On Sunday, when it was nice outside, I was enjoying the balcony until the hail started to reign down upon me. That Mother Nature is one cruel bitch.

I'm actually going to start an award on this Blog and I will do so every week hereafter. This award will be called:
Stupid MotherFucker of the Week
The winner of the first award given goes to Marge, a checker at a Denver area Wal-Mart. Marge may do a lot of stupid shit each and every day, but it was her exceptional stupidity on the night of Friday, April 21 that really impressed me. My friend Shane had an item that he wanted Marge to scan to determine the price of said item. You see, there was no price on the item. Marge looked at the barcode on the back of the package and said to us: "This isn't going to scan, the barcode is gone." In actuality, the barcode was intact, however, the numbers under the barcode had been torn off. Marge was ignorant enough to believe that the scanner read numbers and not the complex machine-readable barcode above the numbers. She started to argue with us that it wouldn't scan until Shane passed it over the scanner, causing both a beep from the register, and an awed gasp from Marge. So, here's to you Marge, the first Stupid MotherFucker of the Week Award, for spending 8 hours a day, 5 days a week at a register and not having a fucking clue how the scanner works. Congratulations you ignorant whore.

Because of my absence for the next few weeks, I think I'll review the upcoming DVDs for today and the next 2 Tuesdays so that you mindless lemmings don't have to think for yourselves.

Today:

• 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1997) - A made for television adaptation of the classic story. Another made for television version was debuted around this same time oddly enough. One starred Ben Cross as Captain Nemo; however, this one stars none other than Michael Caine as Nemo. I've heard conflicting reports on this version, but since it's Caine, I'll try to find it to give it a rent.
• Aeon Flux: Special Collector's Edition (Widescreen) - Quite possibly one of the worst reviewed movies of the year. Even though I'd like to see it, I'll admit that it probably Sux Dich.
• American Dad! Volume 1 - Admitidly not as good as Family Guy, this show does elicit a good laugh or two from time to time. Patrick Stewart lends his voice to this show, so there's at least one reaon to buy it.
• Dr. Dolittle 3 - I can hear my excrement talking, and it says that it stinks less than this film. Eddie Murphy isn't in this, and he thought Beverly Hills Cop 3 was a good choice. A clue? Perhaps....
• Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children - Another beautifully animated feature from Square. Unfortunately, I've heard this movie is a bit confusing if you've never played the game it's based on, which I haven't. I'll still rent it though.
• The Replacement Killers (Extended Cut) - Awwww, I just bought the regular release 4 months ago. Why couldn't I have waited?
• The Wedding Singer: Totally Awesome Edition - Dude!! This release is like, so totally unnecesary!

May 2:

• 3rd Rock from the Sun: Season 4 - This is right about the time this show starts to go downhill.
• Dinosaurs: The Complete First and Second Seasons - You have to remember this show! I remember it being funny, but I also think wheelchair jokes are funny.
• Leave It to Beaver: The Complete Second Season - Now, I was never a huge fan of this show, but how is it that all 4 seasons of Knight Rider are released before all the seasons of a television classic such as this? It makes no sense at all.
• Red Dwarf VIII: The Original and Extended Series - British humor in space. Now if only they would release the BlackAdder series' on DVD, I'd be a happy man. Well shit. I just found out BlackAdder has been released on DVD.

May 9:

• Big Momma's House 2 - I pray to Xorajhim and his kill-drones that I never have to endure this filth.
• Munich (2-Disc Limited Edition) - I'm putting this on my definate rental list.
• The Poseidon Adventure: Special Edition - Just in time for the remake to hit theatres. This was a pretty good film. GodDamn depressing though.
• Rumor Has It... (Widescreen) - Not that I'm the type of person to gossip, but I've heard through my cousin Carrie who heard it from my Aunt that this movie blows hard.
• Scrubs: The Complete Third Season - One of the few sitcoms I can watch without being nauseated by the obvious jokes that most all other sitcoms call comedy.

I could review more, but it's about lunchtime and I need me my food.

OK, Piss off now.

Early Warning System

Yes, I'm posting early. No, I don't care that it throws off your entire schedule.

I'm going to start this blog off with something new. I'm going to run down a select list of SPAM e-mails that I've gotten. You will see the subject of the E-Mail in bold, followed by my comments:

• Fair Russian Sluts in Porno!
  It’s about damn time. I’ve become quite tired of watching hot Russian sluts in porno, and now I’m ready to see some average looking sluts take it in the ass.
  
• Mmmmmmmmmmmm Doughnuts!
  Appealing to my insatiable appetite is a step in the right direction.
  
• SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT Blonde gets herself off - Well, I’m sure glad they warned me that it’s sexually explicit. I was just going to open that message up in eager anticipation to see a hot blonde step off the bus.
  
• Get an Electric Wheelchair with zero or little cost to you
  This one’s trying to appeal to my sloth-like nature. It’s a tempting offer, but if I were to get an electric wheelchair, people would assume I’m crippled, and I can’t have that now. Did you know some actually consider crippled people alive?!
  
• The patented Longevity HGHR formula from Germany
  Of course I’ll trust the Germans with a life extension breakthrough, I mean, look how well they did with extending the lives of the Jews.
  
• Great Clips vs. Fantastic Sams - Vote Now
  Remember kids, voting is important. More so in a Presidential election then this one, but let your voice be heard! If you don’t, only you can be to blame when Great Clips invades Libya looking for the Shampoos of Mass Destruction.
  
• ;) message from Gino Hamlin
  Ah, I haven’t heard from Gino since I was in Middle Earth fighting the Orcs for control of Rohan.
  
• SMC Home Business Information
  A business named the same as my initials? This just has to be legit.
  
• [none] An excellent title. It gives us a teaser of the spam message without giving away too much.

Now on to the bitching:

Every time I want to use one of those handy price scanners at Wal-Mart, I can’t. There are two scenarios that can play out providing me with more fuel for my undying hatred.

1. Every price scanner in the immediate area says: “Price Scanner Unavailable” or “Item Information not found. Please see an associate.” This means, in order to find out the price, I have to take it to a register and stand in line, or track down the ignorant teenage bastard in a blue smock just so he can tell me that he can’t check the price because the scanners are down.
2.Someone else is using it. Not someone with intelligence mind you. I’m talking about the decrepit half-blind 80-year old hag who takes 5 minutes trying to scan her item but can’t really figure out how to use this amazing new piece of technology. She’ll run the item under, over, and beside the scanner at every angle possible. She’ll then look at the scanner like it’s the problem the tap the scanner with her item to see if that will help. She’ll then move to the next step, which is talking to the scanner in a vain attempt to verbally persuade the scanner to give up its information. And, if it isn’t an old person at the scanner, it’s the child who, while their parent’s attention is turned toward other shiny objects, proceeds to scan every single item in the cart just to hear it beep. And, if it isn’t the old person or the child, it’s the white-trash trailer-park couple who has to scan everything in their cart to make sure they gots them the prices right. Every scan followed by: “I thoughts this was four fifty, not four sixty. Should we put it back or keep it?” I’ll tell you where to fuckin’ put it.

Now I understand it isn’t just “my” scanner, but there’s ALWAYS some shitclown ahead of me fucking with the scanner. Just get the fuck out of the way so I can scan my one goddamn item. At least be considerate.


I’ve discovered that people too stupid to work at a Wal-Mart go to work at Rite-Aids. A Rite-Aid is very much like a Walgreen’s. I found this out via a phone call. You see, I’m looking for this figure here:

This is a Doombot from the Fantastic Four movie line. This is rare and isn’t hitting your typical places like Wal-Marts and TRUs. This goes for around $60 on Ebay. I found one at a Rite-Aid. I decided to call Rite-Aids in the area to see if they had any more. This is the conversation I had with an employee at a Rite-Aid:

Rite-Aid (RA) – Hello this is Rite-Aid. Monica speaking.
Me – Hello, I was wondering if you could check on a product for me.
RA – Of course, what are you looking for?
Me – It’s a toy actually. A Fantastic 4 movie toy. It’s called a Doombot and it’s a big green robot-looking thing.
RA – Let me check, I’ll be right back.
-A Few Minutes Passes-
RA – Hello Sir? I’m sorry, all we have is a gold robot named Ah-Mah-Zo and a Superman. (yes, she pronounced it ah-mah-zo.)
Me – (urge to kill rising) Uh thanks a lot.

This is a picture of what she found:

Now I can understand commonplace stupidity, but this stupidity transcends the laws of physics. I asked for Fantastic Four, and she looked for Justice League. Different company, different comic universe, different scale, different price, and most importantly, DIFFERENT FUCKING NAME! The closest I can get to her train of thought is that Justice is Fantastic and they had 4 Justice League figs on the pegs; therefore, Fantastic 4. I was so pissed I stopped by that Rite-Aid, and sure enough, they had some Fantastic 4 figs, not only on the pegs, but the peg directly above the Justice League figs. I’m aware that you don’t need years of education to work at a Rite-Aid, but the ability to read would sure be a nice quality to have.

It’s DVD review time!!! Put on your party hats and prepare to be amazed….

Doogie Howser, M.D.: Season Four – The amazement ceases before it ever began.

Event Horizon (Special Collector's Edition) – I always liked this movie, and since I don’t already own it on DVD, this will be a necessary purchase. This movie, in my opinion, is a near perfect marriage of horror and sci-fi. Sure, there have been better, but this truly is a creepy-ass movie from start to finish.

Hostel – Another dumb horror flick.

Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis – Even though zombies can’t open doors, the title predicts that this movie will be about a zombie-city. Seems like a natural-enough progression, you know, from not being able to function to running the local zombie Starbucks. Would you like whipped cream on your Brainsaccino?

Thundercats: Season Two, Volume One – If I wasn’t so damn poor, I’d buy this shit in a heartbeat.

That’s it. Return next week for one of the worst DVD weeks in history. How’s that to make you want to come back?

The Easter Bunny is on his way.....

as are my parents. And, I swear to God, if my mom brings me a package of Peeps, I'll kick her in the stomach. For the longest time, no matter how many times I told good old mom how much I hated Peeps, she would forget and buy me some anyway. Sure, it's been a few years since she bought them for me, but I figure this is right about the time for her to forget and buy me a big package of them.

Honestly though, I could never kick my own mother in the stomach. I'd pay someone else to do it.

What my mother will be bringing me however, is an 8 bottle wine cooler. Not the kind of wine cooler that 14 year olds drink in a misguided attempt to be cool, but an electric refridgerator-type appliance to chill 8 tasty bottles of wine. How sweet is that? Most moms and dads buy their children clothes and coasters and such. My parents are bringing me an appliance for the sole purpose of booze storage. This addition will free up valuable space in the refridgerator for other necessities such as more beer.

I went to a toy show yeaterday. You'd think that Denver, being a major city and all, would be able to put on a respectable toy show. Well, it can't. Upon entering the show, I found out that Richard Hatch was a guest. No, not the Richard Hatch who ran around naken on Survivor. I'm talking about the man who played Apollo on the original Battlestar Galactica and who plays Tom Zarek on the new Battlestar Galactica. I was consideing getting his autograph until I saw he was charging $20 for it. Frak you Dick. If it wasn't for the new Battlesar Galactica show, Dick would still be living in the past, writing shitty BSG novels, and hoping for the chance to once again don the uniform of Apollo, all the while crying inside knowing his career was over. Dick owes me $20 for not openly mocking him as I walked past him.

I'm going to California with Samantha in the 1st week of May for her parent's birthday parties. It isn't the trip or her parents that I have a problem with. California itself is the problem, at least the Bay area where her parents live. I absolutley DESPISE that area. Sure, there's a lot to do and a lot to see, but it's overly crowded, overly expensive, and full of pompous dickheads who think they're better than you because they can afford to live there. And, the traffic blows. I feel like a small Asian man on a trike in the middle of Beijing traffic while I'm in San Francisco, and I've driven in some shitty cities before.

Now I'm sad because I don't have a trike.

I received my spiffy new X-Box from my buddy Travis last week. When I say "new", I really mean "Used but Enhanced." I have so many games to play, but recently I;ve been playing Burnout 3 - Takedown. It really is quite stress relieving to both race and crash as many other cars as you possibly can on crowded city streets. I discovered that games can have an effect on human behavior when driving to a Wal-Mart after playing the game, I had the urge to ram the old hag in the Camry in front of me and send her flipping into a ditch. From now on, I will take a few minutes break between playing this game and driving to avoid horrible accidents and multiple-year prison sentences for Vehicular Manslaughter.

Are you prepared to learn all that I know about DVD releases this week? If not, turn back now. You have been warned.

• Bugsy Malone - I may actually buy this one. What is it you may ask? It's actually a gangster musical starring children only. Yes, it does sound quite stupid, but I watched it a lot as a child so I'm quite fond of it. This film is also one of Jodie Foster's first.
• Fun with Dick and Jane - I'll rent this. , but to be honest, I'm tiring of Carrey in the comedic roles. Sure, he can be funny, but his dramatic roles are quite good.
• The Greatest Game Ever Played - Another one of those Disney "Oh look how inspirational this true story of this sports related acheivement is." Although Golf is hardly a sport. And much like Golf, this movie is probably very tedious.
• Mission: Impossible/M:I-2 - A two-in-one review. The first film = Pretty good. The second film = Filth. I'll buy the 1st one since I don't already own it. As for the second one, if I didn't already own it, I still wouldn't buy it. I don't know why I bought it in the first place. MI:2 was part of the IMF itself. The Implausible Movie Force.
• Wolf Creek (Unrated) - Yet ANOTHER stupid-ass horror film where some guy runs around killing people. I'm really becoming tired of seeing titles like this on the DVD release lists. Movies like this make me wish for the sweet embrace of death, or at least a fried foods induced coma.

So that's it for the DVD releases this week. Next week is pretty slow too so you may just want to buy a Nerf ball and throw it around to amuse yourself for the time being.

TACOS!!!!!!!

So I got a 36 cent raise last week. That was nice. Even nicer, my boss wants to promote me from the Tech1 position to a Tech 2 position. This would mean an additional raise of at least $1.18 an hour, if not more. This will help offset the cutting of my hours from 40 down to 32 a week. I'll get more money, and I'll be able to sleep until 10 A.M. on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I know, you wish you had my job, but you're not a librarian now are you? And, even if you were, you'd fail at it miserably.

I've always liked tacos, but I've never realized before this weekend how perfect thety are. First of all, they contain all 4 food groups, at least all 4 based off of the old food charts that I learned as a wee little lad. Secondly, the taco container is also part of the edible portion of the taco itself. Isn't this just freakin' amazing?! You can't eat a milk carton, or a cereal box, but you can sure eat the taco shell. Thirdly, the taco is highly adaptable. Don't care for beef? Well then, substiute it with chicken. Lactose intolerant? Leave off the cheese. Like things hot? Add some taco sauce. Want a sit-down meal? They make taco bowls too you know. Fourthly, tacos are cheap. Not only is the purchase price of a taco reasonable, but the manufacturing costs are quite low when illegal mexican immigrants are used as taco makers at near slave-like wages. Fiftly, and lastly, tacos are available everywhere! Taco Bell, Taco Johns, Amigos, Del Taco, and thousands of portable mexican taco stands conveniently located next to vetrinary clinics everywhere make tacos easily accesible to everyone in need of nourishment, except for Hobos. Hobos can't have tacos, for the nourishment provided by them can give them an unexpected burst of speed, making my job a lot more difficult. Think about it, tacos are the perfect food. just try and find something bad about a taco. Just try.

I've said all of this before, but I must say it again:

I hate children.

These tiny little meat-sacks run around screaming and whining with their hands all sticky from God knows what while shoving crap into their food-holes breaking valuables and generally causing everything they come in contact with to reek of the same fetid stench they themselves reek of.

I can't even go into a ToysRUs without having some little fuckturd almost plow into me with a scooter, powerwheels, bike, or other riding device that their parents should keep them off of. I shouldn't have to dodge and weave around the Kiddie Grand-Prix just to get my toy fix. I'm an out-of-shape librarian, I'm not designed to move that fast, nor could I ever except in the event of hostile Hobo takeover of Earth. The gun shop told me I was buying too many weapons, but when the Hobos attack, they'll wish they're as prepared as I am.

These same bastard children then end up in the same movie theater as I am, all the while asking questions, repeating lines, and not shutting-the-fuck-up for the entire film. I've got a movie for you kid. It's called: "It's Your Fault: The Story of How Your Mommy's Going to Die Tonight Because You Couldn't Be Quiet."

Honestly, I believe that children are the universe's equivalent of biological warfare. They're an assault on all 5 senses. They look horrible with slobber and mud and old food caked on their wretched bodies. They're sticky to the touch. They sound horrible, crying and yelling and blathering all the damn time. They smell ungodly bad from wallowing around in their own filth. And, as for taste, I'm sure they don't taste too good either. Unless of course you lightly season your child with some Mrs. Dash while roasting it over an open fire.

Old people suck too. They also smell.

So let us discuss films. The movie Slither is out now and it looks pretty dumb to me. All who know me know that I'm not a huge horror fan. Now Slither is horror/comedy, but still, no amount of humor can make me digest the horrible plot devices and needless special effects gore that is present in most modern day horror. My question is: How can this movie have an 86% rating on RottenTomatoes? Critics love this movie. It has the same rating as Brokeback Mountain and A History of Violence for christsakes. Now I've never seen BBM, but it was at least nominated for best picture, and A History of Violence was damn good. Capote and Good Night, and Good Luck have higher ratings, but not much higher. Also, it has a higher rating than V for Vendetta. Now V might have had it's problems, but it's definately better than alien slugs and toilet humor involving said alien slugs.

On to the DVD releases for this week. It's no Monkey-Fest this week, but it'll do.

• The A-Team: Season Four - I didn't buy the first 3 seasons, so this isn't looking likely either.
• Blue Thunder (Special Edition) - Some say this was better, while some say Airwolf was better. Either way, you get to watch a super-helicoptor kick some ass. Personally, I prefer Airwolf for both the action and helicoptor design, but as far as cast goes, Blue Thunder has Roy Scheider and Malcolm McDowell whereas Airwolf had Jan-Michael Vincent and Ernest Borgnine. Blue Thunder wins that round hands-down.
• Brokeback Mountain (Widescreen) - Usually, sappy dramas aren't my thing no matter if the characters are gay or straight. Personally, I think this movie was nominated for best picture based on the content of the movie and not the actual merits of the film, but I could be wrong. Sadly, the media has made so many gay cowboy jokes that I can't make one without seeming like a tool. However, if you need any gay cripple jokes, I'm the go-to-guy.
• The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe (Special Two-Disc Collector's Edition) - This film was ok, but I walked out of the theater feeling somewhat dissapointed. I'm not really sure why. I think part of it was the lack of character development. Sure, we get a good idea of what the characters are like, but I never really connected with them at all. I really didn't give a shit whether they all died or not. It's watchable and somewhat enjoyable, but lacking the something that would make it a really good film.
• Crash: 2-Disc Special Edition - The winner of Best Picture at the Academy Awards. Once again, the content of this film was the strong point, not the film itself. "Oh this movie deals with racial tension and black people and we just have to vote for this one because it's so controversial" This film shouldn't have won best picture, because it simply wasn't the best film, but because of the content it got pushed to the top.
• Knight Rider: Season Four - The final season of Knight Rider means only one thing: Team Knight Rider on DVD can't be far behind! I'm going to go cry now.
• Magnum, P.I.: Season Four - I haven't bought any of these sets, but I stand by the opinion that this was a pretty good show. I've been catching reruns every so often and it's so much better than either The A-Team or Knight Rider could ever hope to be.
• Star Trek: Fan Collective - Time Travel - Definately more affordable then the $100 season boxed sets.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Season 4 - Oh the memories this show brings back. If you don't like this show, you're a dirty, vodka-sucking Communist. Don't try to deny it Vladimir, I know your game.
• Tripping the Rift: Season 2 - Whereas I don't care for toilet humor in films, toilet humor in short animated cartoons is perfectly acceptable.

Stock up on DVDs this week, because next week really blows.