A New Day Has Dawned...

And it's a Monday, so it already sucks.

Last week, I promised you monkeys, and fear not, the monkeys shall soon be here. But first, I shall rant.

The world is becoming too easy. Coming from me, one of the laziest people I know, this really means something. Technology and convenience have made people stupid and impatient. For instance, Google reigns supreme on the internet. Why take the time to actually verify your information when you can Google it and blindly accept what it says? Google makes the internet too easy. Books on tape. I've never understood this concept. "I guess I'll buy this audio book because I don't have time to sit down and read this book. I'll listen to it while doing 12 other things so I'll never fully comprehend the story." People are now too stupid and lazy to actually read. And you can't say that "I'm just busier then I've ever been." That's bullshit. Numerous studies have proved that, on average, people actually have more free time now then they had in the past. I didn't "Google" that either. Soup-on-the-Go, or whatever the microwavable soup in a travel cup is called. People actually used to make homemade soup, as hillbilly as it sounds. Hell, my mother still does. Now we're in such a "rush" that we need soup to go? You need to eat on the go huh? Ever heard of a "sandwich?"

Oh yes, there's more, but for pacing reasons, I had to start a new paragraph. Pacing is a literary term if you need to know. Cell phones. When I worked for T-Mobile, customers would be upset if we wouldn't give them another free phone after they dropped their 1st free phone in the toilet. How dare us make them pay for a second phone?! Because this technology is everywhere, people don't see the value of it anymore. They don't understand that these cell phones really are a technological marvel. We used to have rotary phones for christsakes people. It took so long to dial on one of those things that if you needed to dial 911, you had better start dialing before the accident. Cell phones aren't just a cordless phone. They're also a camera, calculator, gameboy, MP3 player, organizer, internet browser, IM service, clock, stopwatch, voice memo recorder, and conversion tool. Except for the MP3 player, my phone does all of those things, and it's a cheap phone. Shit, when calculators first came out, they cost hundreds of dollars. Now you want a second cell phone for free? I'm surprised the cell phone providers give out the first one free actually. You see, convenience has made people stupid.

This leads me to the last observation I've made on convenience: Bookbags/backpacks with wheels. You see, I work at this respiratory hospital library right next to a private elementary school that this hospital runs for children who can't attend regular schools due to their respiratory conditions. Every day, about 3:00 p.m., these children get out of school and walk past the library. These tubby little children are walking past pulling their rolling backpacks behind them acting like it's such a chore. It's called a "back"pack for a reason you little bastards. Maybe you wouldn't be so goddamned fat if you actually did some work. I'm sure that actually carrying your 1 inch think basic mathbook, box of crayons, and plastic pencil sharpener would physically drain you to the point of exhaustion. Time to replace that lost energy with some healthy after-school snacks. "MOM!?! MOM!?! Can you get me some Twinkies and a pop? I'm tired from pulling my bag. MOM?!?!"

Moving on now. I guess the only thing left to do is review the DVD releases for this week. And what do we have this week? We have...MONKEYS! YAY!!!!! They aren't all monkey related, but statistically speaking, a lot are indeed monkey-ish in nature.

• Doctor Who: The Beginning Collection - This release is times nicely with the American debut of the new Doctor Who series a little over a week ago. Not that I'll buy this, but I thought it was worth mentioning to my nerdish companions who may read this. You know who you are.
• Godzilla (Monster Edition) - Yes, this is the 1998 remake. I think I'll pass on this. It wasn't horrible, but it was in no means good either.
• King Kong (2-Disc Special Edition) - Yes, this is the 2005 remake. I think I'll pass on this. It wasn't horrible, but it was in no means good either. I only had to write one review for two movies. I'm so damn good. Might I add, this is todays first sighting, of a MONKEY!!!!
• King Kong (1933, Single Disc) - ANOTHER MONKEY!!!! Well, it's the same monkey in theory. But also different. I'm confused now.
• Memoirs of a Geisha (Widescreen) - This made-for-women-everywhere movie just doesn't appeal to me in the least. Plus, I've heard it wasn't all that good. Critics can be wrong however.
• Planet of the Apes: Ultimate DVD Collection - A box full of MONKEYS!!!! Not just one monkey....but 9 MONKEYS!!! (1) Planet of the Apes (2) Beneath the Planet of the Apes (3) Escape from the Planet of the Apes (4) Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (5) Battle for the Planet of the Apes (6) Planet of the Apes TV Series (7) Return to the Planet of the Apes Cartoon Series (8) Planet of the Apes 2001 remake and...... (9) Ape Head Packaging!!! Look at it here if you don't believe me: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000E6ESG2/ref=ase_comingsoon/102-0074721-8524913?s=dvd&v=glance&n=130&tagActionCode=comingsoon I know, Apes aren't really monkeys but you can shut the hell up now and go buy this.
• Quantum Leap: The Complete Fourth Season - I've just leapt into boredom.
• Robot Chicken Vol. 1 - An Adult Swim new-classic. There may be a few monkeys on this show now and then, but I can't confirm this so we'll leave it off of the monkey list.
• A Sound of Thunder - I heard this movie was shit. I'm not talking quasi-shit here, I'm talking about absolute, undenyable, festering shit. This is a movie that a monkey might conceiveably fling.
• Super Mario Bros. Super Show - What do we have here? Why it's...the final MONKEY!!!!! How you ask? Because Mario made his original appearance alongside Donkey Kong, who is infact, a MONKEY!!! Now Donkey Kong may not make an appearance in this show, I can't remember, but Mario owes his origins to a monkey and that puts it on the Monkey List. Being on the Monkey List doesn't mean I'll buy it though. This was one of the worst television shows.......ever.

Now a lot comes out next week, but sadly, no monkeys. Maybe next week I'll say something of value here.

Probably not.

T for Title

Clever blog title eh? Since it's the weekend for V for Vendetta, I thought it was fitting, plus I couldn't think of anything else remotely clever. If you want to hear my thoughts on V for Vendetta, stick around and I'll get to that a few paragraphs from now.

So it's starting to snow here in Denver. It really gets on my nerves when people here in Denver say: "Oh it's snowing so hard, I don't know if I can make it into work tomorrow. It's like a blizzard!" These people live in a city where the wind is near nonexistent and where a whole department full of snowplows keeps pretty much every street in good condition. These stupid bastards, in their 4-wheel drive Lexus' wouldn't know "snow" if they died in it. When I was in high school in Nebraska, I would have to drive over 10 miles worth of plains in driving snow in a fuckin' Mazda. In Nebraska when it snows, you'll be damned lucky to find your all-black car in the damn garage. You know it's a bad storm when on the way to school, you have to drive through snow drifts....to avoid the bigger snow drifts. Now I'm not going to say that snows here in Denver are never bad, but like I said, there are snowplows constantly trying to clear the roads. Nebraska has 1 snowplow for the entire state.

On to V for Vendetta. I won't go into a huge review because I'm sure you've read enough "real" reviews by these so-called reviewers. All i can say is that I didn't have a problem with this movie. Sure, they beat us over the head about how similar this government is to ours, but that was part of the point this movie was trying to make. In my opinion, it was a highly entertaining movie and even Portman did a convincing acting job. That was my review. Was it both informative and entertaining? Did it change your mind? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you should read more, because that was the shittiest review I've ever written.

Now I'll do my part for the Hurricane Katrina victims in New Orleans by reviewing the DVD's released this week.

• Batmen Beyond: Season 1 - I've been anticipating this release since I picked up a few of these episodes on tape a few years back. This was a truly great show and whoever said cartoons aren't cool can kiss my ass.
  
• Capote - It looks good. Isn't it ironic that that's the best review I can write about a movie based on the life of a writer?
• House of the Dead II - There...is....a.....sequel? Why has God forsaken the American people?
• Justice League: The Animated Series Season 1 - MORE TOONS!!!! I'm glad I didn't buy the initial DVDs released that only had like 3 episodes each like some people I know. Seriously, this was another great toon. BUY IT!

Not alot, but 2 boxed sets in one day ain't too shabby.

Tune in next week for....MONKEYS!!!!!

Edjewkayshun is stoopid

So when I was admitted to Denver Universityover a year ago, I was given a scholarship for half off of my tuition for my entire Master's Degree coursework. Even with that help, it's still damn expensive to attend DU. About $400 a credit hour expensive. So each 3 credit class it about $1200, if I'm doing the math right. To make a long story short, my bill arrived for my next 2 classes and they want me to pay, get this shit, $4700. $4700 for TWO GODDAMN CLASSES??! Obviously they "forgot" my scholarship. I mean even my half-off rate of $2350 would still be obscenely high, but $4700.....for TWO FUCKING CLASSES?? For that amount, there better be some Indonesian slave boy who'll sit beside me in class to take notes for me and do my homework for me while I look up porn on my laptop. I'm so angry I could beat every asshole in the Bursar's Office with a sockfull of quarters. Or a toaster in a sheet.

mmmmmm, toast.

I had to call Microsoft yesterday to solve a tech support question. You see, my computer won't update. Those critical security and software updates that Microsoft puts on their website that they say you desperately "need" in order to keep your computer from turning inside out and forming a black hole in your livingroom just won't install on my computer. So I've got a year's worth of updates that just don't want to install. Anyway, the woman on the Microsoft end of the phone tells me, "Our XP tech support department is currently closed." Am I the only person who thinks this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard? So then why the fuck are you even answering the phone if you can't answer a question on tech support? That's the goddamn reason %98 of people call microsoft. What is your job woman? Can you give me lottery numbers? Can you tell me how to diffuse a bomb using only Elmer's glue and a piece of BubbleYum? I hope so, because otherwise you're as useless as a condom machine in a leper colony. I can't think of more then 10 questions that could be asked that aren't technical support related. Microsoft my ass, more like Macroshaft.

There was a homeless man on the steetcorner this morning with a cardboard sign that read: "Anything Helps." I told him that I'd help him by reviewing the DVDs released tomorrow. A passerby might have thought he meant it when he told me to fuck off before collapsing to the ground sobbing, but I know what he really meant was: "Thank you kind sir." Those were tears of joy. Joy indeed.

• Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers - Being that I own every other Babylon 5 related DVD released, I might as well add this one to the lot. This is the only B5 movie I haven't seen yet, so it may or may not suck. I wouldn't reccommend getting this however if you've seen less than every series episode and every other B5 movie. You just wouldn't understand.
• Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (The Little Black Book Edition) - Maybe I'll just forget this movie was ever made and look forward to better movies, Like: Under Siege III - Nuclear Urinal Cake.
• Ghostbusters (Repackaged) AND Ghostbusters II (Repackaged) - So what the hell was wrong with the repackaged editions that came out 6 months ago?
• Good Night, And Good Luck - Damn good film. I'm a little dissapointed that David Strathairn didn't win best actor for the role, but since I've never seem Capote, I can't tell you whether David got hosed or not by the academy.
• A History of Violence - I can't wait to pick this bad boy up. Watching a film like this where lots of killin' is done always gets me in the mood to drive to Wal-Mart. I can't explain it.
• Ice Age (Super-Cool Edition) - If it's cheap, I'll buy it. Everyone needs a good laugh now and then and I'm sick of tripping children to get them. Actually I'm not sick of that quite yet.
• MacGyver: The Complete Fifth Season - This lasted 5 seasons?! Like Stargate SG-1, the continuation of Richard Dean Anderson's career is a mystery to me.

So that's it for this week, but there are a few that I will be picking up so that ain't too shabby. Now we've got some gems on the way next week, so keep your eye on the best blog ever.

No, MY blog shithead.

I'm so very tired...

Not physically, but mentally. There are certain things I just don't understand and it makes my brain hurt.

I don't understand the express line at a Wal-Mart. Last night, all I wanted to buy was a can of peaches and a box of Jiffy cake mix. Two items that totaled less than 2 dollars. Having only 2 items to buy placed me into the group of people entitled to use the express lane. The bitch in front of me had a cart containing enough food to sustain Denmark for a few days. Naturally, I moved out of that lane, while cursing, to a normal lane that had no line at all. I know there are lots of stupid people in the world, and I can live with that. Natural stupidity isn't the fault of the stupid persons themselves. I can't mock someone with Downs Syndrome for being dumb because they can't help it. In the past I may have done this, but these things are in the past. Rude people, however, I can be pissed about. What kind of selfish fuck-ass takes a whole cart of food into an express line knowing goddamn well the lane is for people in a hurry just buying a few things? That kind of self-absorbed attitude really makes me want to perform acts of violence upon the offending party. If I knew when this bitch was going through the express line again I would do this: I would bring exactly 10 items through the express lane right before her. Of course these 10 items would be: A 52 " big screen TV, a desktop computer, a futon, a refrigerator, a large ladder, an entertainment center, a 62 piece dish set, a lawn mower, a 50 gallon fish tank, and a 10 lb. bag of sugar with a small hole in it. Of course, I'd make sure that at least 3 of these items would be missing the bar code. Also, right after the 10th item gets scanned, I'd say, "Wait just a minute," and then proceed to take at least a minute picking out a pack of gum to add to my order.

I don't understand Taco Bell combo meals. The CrunchWrap Supreme is advertised as a item that can be eaten on the go with very little mess, perfect for people eating while driving. So why in the hell do they put that in a combo with a fucking crunchy taco?

I don't understand people who gesture with their hands while talking on a cell phone. I'm sure that madly waving your arms and using your finger to punctuate certian words really helps get the point across when the other person you're talking to can't even see you. Combine this type of person with the person who talks on a cell phone while driving and you get an assclown who's flying down the freeway at 85 mph with no hands on the steering wheel flailing his or her arms around like they're having a seizure.
Cell Phone: $40
Car: $22,000
Using a hand to steer the car so you don't plow it into mine thereby sending me screaming and flipping end-over-end into oncoming traffic while the gas tank ruptures and ignites washing wave after wave of searing fire upon my crushed body: Priceless.

I know, you're all still watching your DVD copies of last week's release of the 4th season of Charmed, but put down that filth for a few moments to take note of this week's releases:

• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Two-Disc Special Edition) - While I don't feel this movie was quite as good as the last installment, this movie is quite entertaining nonetheless. You should add this to your DVD collection and be damned grateful for the opportunity.
• Howl's Moving Castle - I do like anime, in moderation, and I've heard this is quite good but I've yet to see it. In my opinion, anime is much like independent films. A few are awesome, but most suck, and no matter how much they suck, there's always some jackball who says they're awesome just because it's anime or independent.
• Jarhead (Two Disc Collector's Edition) - I want to see this film, but I can't tell you why. Maybe it's because it's directed by the guy who directed Road to Perdition. Maybe because it stars Jake Gyllenhaal and Jamie Foxx, both excellent actors. Maybe it's because it got good reviews. I don't know. I just don't know.

What I do know are 2 things: First, those are the only DVDs worth mentioning this week. Secondly, the film Ultraviolet is now out in theatres. This movie looks like a nerd's wet dream come to life. Milla Jovovich running around half naked while extraordinary scenes of matrx-like violence ensues. It's too bad that the acting looks atrocious and the plot seems wretched with a script to match. I truly hate this film and all I've seen of it are trailers. I only wish this movie had been filmed in ultraviolet light so that I would never be able to actually see the movie.

Tune in next week when I demonstrate my ability to turn an ordinary onion into a decorative centerpiece.