I don't understand the express line at a Wal-Mart. Last night, all I wanted to buy was a can of peaches and a box of Jiffy cake mix. Two items that totaled less than 2 dollars. Having only 2 items to buy placed me into the group of people entitled to use the express lane. The bitch in front of me had a cart containing enough food to sustain Denmark for a few days. Naturally, I moved out of that lane, while cursing, to a normal lane that had no line at all. I know there are lots of stupid people in the world, and I can live with that. Natural stupidity isn't the fault of the stupid persons themselves. I can't mock someone with Downs Syndrome for being dumb because they can't help it. In the past I may have done this, but these things are in the past. Rude people, however, I can be pissed about. What kind of selfish fuck-ass takes a whole cart of food into an express line knowing goddamn well the lane is for people in a hurry just buying a few things? That kind of self-absorbed attitude really makes me want to perform acts of violence upon the offending party. If I knew when this bitch was going through the express line again I would do this: I would bring exactly 10 items through the express lane right before her. Of course these 10 items would be: A 52 " big screen TV, a desktop computer, a futon, a refrigerator, a large ladder, an entertainment center, a 62 piece dish set, a lawn mower, a 50 gallon fish tank, and a 10 lb. bag of sugar with a small hole in it. Of course, I'd make sure that at least 3 of these items would be missing the bar code. Also, right after the 10th item gets scanned, I'd say, "Wait just a minute," and then proceed to take at least a minute picking out a pack of gum to add to my order.
I don't understand Taco Bell combo meals. The CrunchWrap Supreme is advertised as a item that can be eaten on the go with very little mess, perfect for people eating while driving. So why in the hell do they put that in a combo with a fucking crunchy taco?
I don't understand people who gesture with their hands while talking on a cell phone. I'm sure that madly waving your arms and using your finger to punctuate certian words really helps get the point across when the other person you're talking to can't even see you. Combine this type of person with the person who talks on a cell phone while driving and you get an assclown who's flying down the freeway at 85 mph with no hands on the steering wheel flailing his or her arms around like they're having a seizure.
Cell Phone: $40
Car: $22,000
Using a hand to steer the car so you don't plow it into mine thereby sending me screaming and flipping end-over-end into oncoming traffic while the gas tank ruptures and ignites washing wave after wave of searing fire upon my crushed body: Priceless.
I know, you're all still watching your DVD copies of last week's release of the 4th season of Charmed, but put down that filth for a few moments to take note of this week's releases:
- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Two-Disc Special Edition) - While I don't feel this movie was quite as good as the last installment, this movie is quite entertaining nonetheless. You should add this to your DVD collection and be damned grateful for the opportunity.
- Howl's Moving Castle - I do like anime, in moderation, and I've heard this is quite good but I've yet to see it. In my opinion, anime is much like independent films. A few are awesome, but most suck, and no matter how much they suck, there's always some jackball who says they're awesome just because it's anime or independent.
- Jarhead (Two Disc Collector's Edition) - I want to see this film, but I can't tell you why. Maybe it's because it's directed by the guy who directed Road to Perdition. Maybe because it stars Jake Gyllenhaal and Jamie Foxx, both excellent actors. Maybe it's because it got good reviews. I don't know. I just don't know.
What I do know are 2 things: First, those are the only DVDs worth mentioning this week. Secondly, the film Ultraviolet is now out in theatres. This movie looks like a nerd's wet dream come to life. Milla Jovovich running around half naked while extraordinary scenes of matrx-like violence ensues. It's too bad that the acting looks atrocious and the plot seems wretched with a script to match. I truly hate this film and all I've seen of it are trailers. I only wish this movie had been filmed in ultraviolet light so that I would never be able to actually see the movie.
Tune in next week when I demonstrate my ability to turn an ordinary onion into a decorative centerpiece.
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