The Zoo

I realized that I've never posted pics of my pets before. So, here goes.

Flanders, a rabbit.



Pierre, a rat.



Penquin, the other rat. Here he has his bandages and e-collar on from his recent vet experience.



Penny, a guinea pig.



Pepper, the other guinea pig.



Penny and Pepper engaged in their favorite activity, eating hay.



There they are, except for the salamander (Saul Mander if it's a guy and Sally Mander if it's a girl. I can't tell.) and that cat that we'll be getting early next week.

For the benefit of Andy

Since my friend Andy Miller thinks a coat for a dog isn't ridiculous, I'll help him out by offering up a few more pet accessory options. I have provided links so that you may purchase any of these at your leisure.

Since this poppycock started out with a coat, I'd suggest one of these. it looks a lot sturdier than the coat you currently have for the pooch, and with these sweet-ass duds, the dog can go skiing with you. Aspen Faux SuedeCoat.



While skiing, or a nice day at the beach, you'll want your dog's precious peepers to be protected. For that, there's nothing better than a pair of Dogles K-9 Optix Sunglasses.



Next, we have an exceptional item to help your dog unwind after a long, hard day at the office: Bowser Beer.



Does doggie want to run around the apartment without getting cold feet? Well then, Bow Wow Boots are the answer!



Now it's time for bed. Nothing says "stylish sleepwear" like a pair of Zebra Pajamas!



Going to eat someplace nice with the wife? Now, you can take the pet too with this fancy dog tux.



With Halloween coming up in a couple of months, you may want to think about getting your canine friend some identity concealing gear. Here are a few wigs I think you may be interested in getting your dog.

The Bob Marley



The Sarah Palin Now your dog can be accused of numerous ethics violations!!



Clothes on a dog? FREAKING ABSURD!!

Bloody Hell

The blood bank center here in Denver hassles me all the time about giving blood. Partially because I have type O blood, but also because blood donors really are needed. Every time I've had the opportunity to give blood, I've done so. Even back in 2003 when I was on vacation in California, I had 3 hours to kill and there was a blood drive going on, so I gave blood.

Today, the blood bank has their bus parked outside my workplace. So, I go to sign up, and this is what I'm told: "We're full today so you won't be able to give blood unless we have a no-show." What the fuck? They say they desperately need donors, yet they turn donors away? I understand they have time constraints, but they could squeeze another half hour into the day and get at least 4 more donors in. It would be like a food bank turning food away because the canned goods are just too damn heavy, or the Red Cross turning away money for relief aid because the bills are too old. When people try to help out of the kindness of their hearts, and get turned away, it sends a real shitty message.

I'm going to Disneyland.

Actually, I'm going to Disneyworld. We're finally going to take our honeymoon trip at the end of April. I really don't care where we're going, I just want to take a nice long vacation for a change. Normally, our vacations only last a few days. This one will be a whole week.

Why is the classic saying "I'm going to Disneyland"? If you had a chance, wouldn't you go to Disneyworld? Disneyworld is bigger and has more to offer.

You know what they say...

Sometimes, life gives you lemons. Sometimes, life takes a giant shit on your head after ass-raping you for over an hour with a broom handle. Let me explain how shitty this week has been.

BAD SHIT #1: Last month, Samantha gets into a car accident when she's rear-ended by a stupid bitch who isn't actually paying attention to driving. Sam was in one of those on-ramp style turn lanes that merges onto the cross street. Sam was just waiting for traffic to pass and the woman behind her plowed into her full speed. The car ended up being totaled, so we had to go buy a new car.

We purchased a Mazda 3 for Sam. Sam loves the Mazda 3, and I've always been partial to Mazdas. My 1st car was a Mazda, and my current vehicle is a Mazda.

We got the $500 refund check for the deductible we paid yesterday. I deposited it on my lunch hour today. The check hasn't even cleared yet.

So Sam and I are in the fancy new Mazda 3 this evening driving to Chili's for dinner. I'm behind the wheel. I go to turn onto Hampden Ave from Broadway using one of those same style on-ramp merge lanes when the stupid-ass bitch behind me REAR ENDS ME! REAR END THE NEW GODDAMN CAR THAT WE HAVEN'T EVEN MADE ONE FUCKING PAYMENT ON YET!

I'm usually a pretty calm person in situations like this. I mean, I know they're called "accidents" and not "on-purposeidents," but even so, I was about ready to beat the shit out of the cunt. I'll break into my rant to explain that even though I know the word Cunt is derogatory, I just don't give a fuck in this case. The woman deserves it. Plain and simple. Fuck the cunt.

I slowed down to yield for the passing car, both because I had the yield sign, and because the other car had a green light. The woman behind me just keeps on going, and you know what she said to me after the accident? You'll love this, she said "I thought the other guy was going to stop." WHAT THE FUCK? What kind of fantasy world do you have to live in where the guy going 40 mph with the green light stops for the merging traffic with a yield sign? She has to be one of the stupidest fucking whores on the planet.

Now we have to deal with taking the car in and getting a rental YET AGAIN. We have to spend a crap-ton of time on the phone with the insurance company YET AGAIN. We have to pay the $500 deductible and wait for the refund YET AGAIN. All of this because people can't be bothered to actually pay attention when they're driving. People just don't realize that an automobile is a dangerous thing. You're in control of over a ton of metal that goes where you point it. If you're doing 100 and point it at a school, children will die. If you point it at a bus stop, people will die. FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD. Is that hard to understand?

You'll be pleased to know I didn't beat the shit out of the other driver. I wanted to, oh did I ever want to. I'd like to think I came across as understanding for the few words I spoke to her before calling the police and insurance. Of course, I think she understood how upset we were when my Sam's first words to the insurance rep were "They hit my fucking car again!" I don't remember what I said right after the accident, but according to Sam, I screamed: "MOTHER FUCK, AGAIN? SERIOUSLY? MOTHER FUCK. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT!"

I've calmed down a bit since then, but I'm still so very angry.


BAD SHIT #2: I went to the doctor's office last Friday. I wanted antibiotics. I needed antibiotics. They refused to give me any. Now, I'm getting an ear infection. I took enough sick time last week not only staying home, but also to go to the doctors, that I can't afford to take any more to go back. Plus, I paid a co-pay already. I don't want to pay that again. I shouldn't have to pay that again. I'm tired of being sick.

BAD SHIT #3: About two and a half years ago, I bought Sam three pet rats for her birthday. They were named Abacus, Hermes, and Langley. I honestly didn't think I'd care for them at all. Well, I was wrong. Rats are actually quite intelligent animals, and they really do have their own personalities. These 3 rats are brothers. They have spent every day of their lives together. A few months back, Langley died. He got a respiratory infection that he couldn't beat. On Sunday night, we lost Abacus. He too had respiratory issues, possibly cancer. Late Saturday night, into Sunday morning, I could tell he wasn't doing well. I didn't want to go to sleep because I was afraid he'd die alone. It really is heartbreaking to watch a pet struggle and fight for every breath knowing there's nothing you can do, even if it is a rat. Now, Hermes is the only one left. That's heartbreaking too because, like I said, they spent their whole lives together and now Hermes is alone. He's changed since Sunday night. He's moving a lot slower now. He's depressed and he misses his family, and Sam and I can tell. I'd like to be able to say that Abacus and Langley are in a better place now, but I'm not sure if I can say that and believe it. I think they're just gone.

A new rap group

I came across this message online recently for a new, and upcoming, rap group. They sound promising. Take a look for yourself:

Yo, let me introduce ourselves. We're Fonniks, and we're here to dominate the rap world. But, we can't do it without all you players and hos, so it's up to you all to represent while we be makin’ the dopest-ass shit you ever heard. Word! We all hope you like our introductory album which will be hitting on July 17th. As a special treat, here’s the track listing for the album, titled: Hooked on Fonniks.

1. Liquor Lasagna
2. Wednesday Catastrophe
3. Fragile Freight
4. Half Height Giraffe
5. Guaranteed Revenue
6. Mnemonic Masseuse
7. Pleasure Theater
8. Question / Answer
9. Epilogue

Sincerely The Fonniks crew,

B-Hind
D-Lite
E-Claire
C-Zure
P-Nis

More of the usual.

The usual being me complaining about stuff.

It really pisses me off when someone throws a cigarette butt from their moving vehicle. Now I could be wrong, but I believe that most vehicles have an ashtray built in. If not, rip the top off a fucking pop can and use that. If the car indeed have an ashtray, it's probably in the middle of the dash. Maybe it's below the environment controls, or right between them and the radio, or in front on the e-brake. Disregarding its exact position, chances are it's in THAT GENERAL AREA! Instead of using the ashtray like a civilized human being, these neanderthal inbreds toss it out of the goddamn window. Not only is it littering, but it's also dangerous. It may not be a huge issue in the city, but how many forest fires have started with a stray cigarette butt while someone was "appreciating" nature's beauty in their air-conditioned Volvo? Why is the window even open in the first place? To keep smoke out of the driver's face? If the smoker doesn't like the smoke, maybe they shouldn't be smoking in the first place! Is it to conveniently discard the ashes and forget about them? Once again, I present the concept of the ashtray for that solution. Fucking up their own bodies isn't enough for these fuckers. They have to do what they can to fuck up nature with their deadly chemicals too. FUCK EM ALL!!

I've been hearing a crap-ton of commercials recently for these companies who help people get out of their IRS tax debt. I bet you've heard them. "I owed the IRS over one hundred thousand dollars, so I called *insert company name here* and they helped me save 90 thousand of it!" Oh that's just fucking great. EVERYONE else is expected to pay their taxes, but you pompous assholes ignore the laws until you're threatened with prison time, and then you pay a company to get you out of it. That really, REALLY pisses me the hell off. Do these people realize that tax money goes to pay for things like the roads they drive on, the schools their fat children go to, the military that protects them in time of war? Yeah, you saved 90 thousand dollars on the taxes you should have payed, but now three federal employees that make 30 thousand a year just got layed off because the government doesn't have the money to pay them. What's worse than these companies and the scum that use them is the fact that the IRS actually allows settlements like this. Here's an idea, MAKE THEM PAY IT ALL. Not a fraction of it, ALL of it. If they don't, arrest them and make them work the money off repairing roads, or building schools. They can be slaves of the state and fucking like it, or go to prison.

Rapper names piss me off too. Why can't rappers, or hip-hop artists, have normal names? Other musical genres don't do crap like that. Just imagine if old times singers did that. It was Barry Manilow, not Manilow-Rider. Tom Jones, not Tommy J Chrome. If you want people to take you seriously, use a big-person name, and not some nickname that sounds like it came from the mouth of a retarded 5-year old with a mouthful of peanut butter. The worst ones are those that are a variation of another word, name, or phrase. Following are some examples, and yes, these are real rap names: Ice-T, Ice Cube, Ak'Sent, Droop-E, Eminem, K-OS, Kurupt, Ludacris, Mack 10, Vanilla Ice, Will.I.Am, Xzibit. You know what sounds less stupid than Ludacris? Chris Bridges, his REAL FUCKING NAME! This doesn't always work though. Vanilla Ice is much better than Robert Van Winkle. I thought the film Tropic Thunder had a great one. Alpa Chino. Hollywood took a shot at the stupid names, but even they can't top the one I heard today, the one that got me started on this rant. Flo Rida. Yeah, you fuckin heard me right. He though taking his rap name from a state was real cool. It is not. It never will be. I can't wait for this trend to really take hold. We'll have gems such as Al Aska, Indi Anna, Ken Tucky, Louis Iana, Mary Land, and Miss. Issippi. Fuck, when those run out, rappers can move on to country names. Argen Tina. Mya.nmar. Nick-A-Ragua. Pakka-Stan.

Yo yo yo, you betta check yo'self and ready yo'self for the number 1 playa this side of Africa. Give it up for MadagazzKar mother fuckers!!

Word!

Keep an eye out on this blog for my idea of a rap group that should be. You'll be astounded.

What I Hated in 2008

This is is a list of things I hated in 2008.

Starting with general things,

Fanboys that bitch too much:

Seriously, I don't give a flying shit what these obsessive, basement-dwelling fanboys have to say about anything. Oh, you didn't like the new Indiana Jones film because it didn't feel like the old films? Oh, you weren't happy with how Abomination looked in The Incredible Hulk? Oh, you're upset that a black man got cast as Ripcord (a white man) in the upcoming G.I. Joe film? Guess what, NOBODY CARES BUT YOU. I don't see you making these films. I don't see your name attached as director. I don't think the director is calling you for ideas. Even when the studios listen to fanboys, they STILL bitch. Lexi Alexander heard the collective cries of Punisher fans when she made Punisher: War Zone. The fanboys wanted more violence. The fanboys wanted an iconic villian. The fanboys wanted it closer to the comic. Lexi did all of these things and made the film, in my opinion. pretty darn well considering the source material. Yet, the fanboys still weren't happy. I wish fanboys around the world would just SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

Sarah Palin

I can't say I hate this woman, because I've never met her, but I'm pretty sure I would, so she's on this list. I know I hate her ignorance. I know I hate her arrogance. I know I hate her ultra-conservative viewpoints. I know I hate what she named her children. What I especially hate is that she had the nerve to accept the Vice-Presidential nomination knowing that she wasn't qualified. Seriously, what a selfish fucking thing to do. She KNEW she wouldn't be able to live up to the expectations of the office, yet she still did her best to get there even if it meant the country would suffer for it.

I hate McCain too, for being selfish enough to offer the job to her. The only reason he did it was to get the woman vote, NOT because she was right for the job.

Brian not coming to my wedding

Yeah, that's right motherfucker, I'm still pissed about that one. Not that I expect you to actually read this blog. Your irresponsible ass can't manage to pay the cell phone bill on time, so I can't expect you to keep the internet connection active.

Let's move on to television.

The Learning Channel

The name would lead one to believe that you can actually learn something by watching The Learning Channel. That is not true. I hated TLC this year because there was nothing on the channel in the least bit educational. Let me run down the shows on TLC that I hate, shows that have no business being on a channel that's supposed to be focused on teaching.

Jon & Kate Plus 8: A show all about the family life of two parents who have 8 kids. It's just a camera crew documenting the life of this family. I guess I'm supposed to be entertained by the spectacle of a large family.

17 Kids and Counting: Another stupid fucking show about a huge family.

Little People, Big World: Here's another family show, but this one is special because it isn't about a large family. This one is about a family of "little people," or as I like to call them, midgets. The show tries to emphasize that this family is able to overcome the challenges of being so goddamn short, but if you actually watch the show, you'll know the main reason they overcome adversity is through money. The show only ends up proving that you can overcome a lot if you throw enough money at things.

Toddlers & Tiaras: This one is about little kids who compete in beauty pageants.

What Not to Wear: Here's how this show works. 1. Family of friends nominate someone to get a makeover. 2. The hots surprise the person. 3. The hosts throw out the person's old clothes and give them money for new clothes. 4. The hosts help them buy new and fashionable clothing. 5. The person has their hair restyled. 6. The "new" person is revealed to family and friends. I can't tell you how much I hate this show, and I really can't tell you why either. Maybe it's the fact that it sends the message that looks are the most important thing. Maybe it's because no matter what the person's reason is for keeping an old item of clothing, it's tossed anyway because it's not "fasionable." Maybe it's because I think the hosts are insanely arrogant and out of line to assume they know what's best for someone else and spend the entire episode making value judgments and chastising someone elses fashion decisions. Whatever the reason, I hope this show dies.

Those are just a few shows that are on TLC. None of them are worth watching, and none of them should be considered educational.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

I didn't see the feature film of the same name. I don't want to. Sadly, that film spawned Cartoon Network's Clone Wars series, which is infinitely more horrible than the first Clone Wars cartoon series. The first series was actually quite good. This new one, on the other hand, is near unwatchable. The problem with it is, George Lucas believes that in order to appeal to kids, one has to fill a show with childish jokes EVERY GODDAMN SCENE.

There is a major difference between Kid films, and Family films. Kid films are targeted just to kids. These are the films that are so ungodly kid-oriented, that adults would rather kill themselves than watch the film. Kids enjoy Kid films, adults don't.

family films are those that appeal to BOTH kids and adults without having to resort to the obvious kid-friendly fart jokes and the like. Pretty much any Disney/Pixar film is a good example of a Family film. EVERY age group can enjoy those.

Sadly, The Clone Wars is filled with far too many groan inducing jokes and puns that make it unenjoyable for anyone over the age of 10. I hate it because it had the potential to be good, but failed.

Finally, Films

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

No, I didn't see this film. What I hate about it is that it was #1 at the box office for TWO weeks in October. How the fuck can a film this shitty beat out a film like Eagle Eye? I'm not saying Eagle Eye was perfect, but it was leaps and bounds beyond Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Wanted

I had such high hopes for this film. I truly hated the graphic novel this was based off of, so when I heard the plot of the movie was radically different, I hoped that would make it enjoyable. This movie was just goddamn ridiculous. That's the only way I can put it. I'm glad I didn't waste any money seeing this, because had I, I'd be pissed.

Be Kind, Rewind

I did waste money on this one. This is the perfect example of how critics can be horribly wrong. This has a 68% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I saw this rating and thought, "It seems like this film is better than average, I should see it." First of all, the acting was pretty crappy. Secondly, the plot was freaking absurd. Thirldy (which is not a word), the "happy feel-good" ending was so "happy feel-good" that I wanted to vomit.

However, the biggest fault of Be Kind, Rewind is that it was billed as a comedy. I expect a comedy to make me laugh. I don't care how good the writing, plot, acting, directing, score, etc. is. In the end, if a comedy is funny, than it succeeds as a comedy. I didn't laugh watching Be Kind, Rewind. Not once. Not even a chuckle. Last night I watched Balls of Fury. Balls of Fury has a 23% Rotten Tomatoes rating. To most critics, it is a bad film. I laughed, several times in fact. Therefore, it was a more successful comedy than Be Kind, Rewind, which has a much higher rating.

That's it for my What I Hated in 2008 review. I actually hated a lot more, but typing bores me. If I left you out and you feel like you should have been mentioned here, I'm sorry.