How many kinds of stupid are you?

I don't know what answer you have for this question, but I can certainly answer this for my friend Brian: He is 7 kinds of stupid because he married the woman he did. His wife is actually 12 kinds of stupid, but don't just take my word for it. No, let me explain why.

His wife is, at least physically, an adult. They have a child together who is probably about 3 years old. Brian was at work because someone has to make money for the family. While Brian was at work, Brian's wife decided to go to Wal-Mart with their son and one of her friends. I'll jump ahead to the part where she gets caught trying to steal hair dye. That's right my monkey pals, Brian's wife sets an amazingly good example for their son by stealing. How fuckin' irresponsible can one be to do that in front of their child? And, who the fuck steals hair dye anyway? The real sad part about this whole ordeal is that the mother of this wife just got out of prison from doing all sorts of bad things including the manufacture and distribution of meth. You would think his wife of all people would be able to realize what happens when one makes stupid-ass decisions. Why, you may ask, am I writing about this? It's because I want everyone I know who reads this that you could have it worse. Everyone bitches and moans at least a little bit about things their significant other does to annoy and/or piss them off. Yes, my fiancee talks a little too much about things that I can't care about, no matter how much effort I put into it. Yes, she can be a bit pig-headed on certain issues. What she is not however, is a perp. In the 5 years I've known her, I can't think of a single decision she's made that has been horribly bad for her future, other than her decision to be with me. I take pride in knowing that my future wife will never be on an episode of Cops.

I love my job. Many of you poor pathetic fools hate your poor pathetic jobs, and rightfully so, becasue they do indeed suck. Not mine though. My boss is gone for the week so I informed a co-worker with seniority over me that I'll have to take a long lunch starting at 11:15 to take a hamster to the vet. This co-worker / quasi-boss told me: "Just leave for the day at 11:15 and don't bother coming back." Her reason for my afternoon off: "Well, it's going to be 55 degrees out today, you might as well enjoy it." Do any of you get the afternoon off because it's nice outside? I'm quite sure the answer is no you mindless automitons for the man. Yes, I know I misspelled automitons, but you can look up the correct spelling sitting at your desk while I'm out enjoying the sunshine. MuHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

The DVD's for tomorrow need reviewed, so I take this task on to make your lives that much easier.

• The A-Team: Season Three - I loved this show as a kid. Obviously, I was a stupid child. I've watched a couple of episodes in the last few months on television and, while not horrible, The A-Team certainly wasn't all that good either. If you liked this show, and if you can find this boxed set, and if you can afford it, maybe you should buy: The A-Team! *Note* you would have gotten that joke had you ever watched the show. And, for the record, I wouldn't buy the show, I just said it to make afforementioned joke.
• Dune: The Extended Edition - This version has been released after about 15 years of delays. This version has been aired a few times on Sci-Fi channel but has never been available to own before now, except maybe on LaserDisc. But honestly, what fuckmook actually bought a laserdisc player? This movie solidifies the fact that Patrick Stewart just plain kicks ass, whether it be with a gun, knife, or his stunningly attractive bald head.
• Knight Rider: Season Three - Everytime I watch this show, I become more and more jealous that my vehicle doesn't converse with me in clever banter while we haul ass down a desert highway at 140 MPH. Instead, my vehicle talks to me though a skeaky fan-belt which fails me while I eek along Interstate 25 at 70 MPH. In the Knight Rider Universe, their have been several talking vehicles created by FLAG: KITT, KARR, and KRO. My vehicle has been dubbed: KRAP. Just go buy this set and relive your 80's fantasies like I will.
• The Legend of Zorro (Widescreen Special Edition) - Sure, this movie got bad ratings, but that doesn't mean it's bad. I've heard good things from people I trust and I did enjoy The Mask of Zorro so I'll definately rent this, if not buy.
• Magnum P.I.: The Complete Third Season - This is just the optimal day for third seasons I guess. This also was a great show when I was a kid. Since then, I've learned that Hawaii really isn't like how it's protrayed in the show. Also, Tom Sellick isn't like how he's shown to be in the show either. Did you know he's really just an actor? WEB OF LIES!!!!!!
• Tim Burton's Corpse Bride (Widescreen) - Honestly, I had no desire whatsoever to see this film, and I still don't. It may be excellent, or it may suck balls, but I rely on you to tell me such things.
• TMNT: Turtles Against H.A.T.E. - So this comes out this Tuesday, not last as previously reported, thanks to some bad intell.

Alrighty, it's time to go and put in 2 hours worth of work before my afternoon off. This is going to be one tough day. I sure hope I can handle it. If not, I'll have to call in sick tomorrow.

Apartment Bliss

I use the term bliss when really I should use the term bane. Now, I'm not saying we have a shitty apartment, on the contrary, it's quite nice. What I am saying is that I'm a bit peeved that the door to our pantry fell off of its tracks. I'm a bit peeved that it takes quite a while for our bathroom sink to drain. And, i'm peeved that whenever I bring these issues up to the people that run this complex in their large chain of complexes, it takes them forever to solve the problem.

Also, we finally got the 2 bookcases that were replacements for the 2 that came broken over a month ago. Now we can finally shelve our massive DVD collection for easy viewing. You see, we ordered four of these stackable bookcases so that our whole DVD collection could be shelved together. The problem I now have with this is that 4 bookcases aren't enough. So now we have 4 bookcases full of DVDs and the rest filling up a shelf or 2 on the entertainment center. As I librarian in training, I can't fuckin' stand it! It drives me up the wall to see the uniformity in my cataloging skills broken up this way. It isn't just the diversity of storage shelves that upsets me, it's how they are shelved. In order to cram them all into what space we do have, I had to take all the box sets and shelve them at the end. Now, my 4 volumes of Batman the Animated Series aren't by Batman and Batman Begins where they rightfully belong, but instead are at the end of the collection. ARGH!!!!! DAMN MY ANAL RETENTIVE LIBRARY CATALOGING SKILLS!!!

So, Mervyn's is finally closed. Mervyn's is where I used to work one day of the week, which you'd be aware of if you read my blog on a regular basis, as some of you do. Thank you. Yesterday I had to stop by to pick up a paycheck and it's kind of depressing to see a store that was once full of merchandise reduced to an empty husk. All that was left were the floors, walls, celing, and a few register stands that were being dismantled via sledgehammer when I arrived. No one has any clue what business will take the building over, but if I had the money, I'd turn it into a bitchin' airsoft/paintball/laser tag arena complete with smoke machines, dead-ends, and minotaurs to stalk the maze-like halls. Minotaurs with paintball guns. That would be sweet.

The topic of minotaurs leads me right into the DVDs this week. How you say? I'm horrible at transitions and it seemed like a reasonable progression to me, that's how. Last week I said that future DVD releases would suck, and you'll be happy to know that, for once, I'm told the absolute truth.

• Dallas: The Complete Fourth Season - Well Yee Haw Pardner! This release makes me as happy as a rabbit in a sack full o' tunips! Do rabbits even like turnips? Do humans even like turnips? What the fuck is a turnip anyway? Is it in any way related to the Parsnip? Do rabbits like parsnips? I could go on for hours, but the point it, I won't be buying this just like I won't be buying any turnips, parsnips, or any other vegetable ending in "nips."
• Flightplan (Widescreen) - Don't get me wrong, I like Jodie Foster and all, but another movie where she is frantically trying to protect her child doesn't really interest me. This flight has to make an emergency landing at Boredom International Airport where an error is made and my baggage is mistakingly sent to the IDontGiveAFuck Airport.
• The Fog (Unrated) - The only fog worth mentioning here is the haze of bong smoke that filled the room where the studio executives decided to make this film. That loud sound you hear is the foghorn telling you to stay the fuck away from this movie....or cursed you'll be with a sequel. (Read the last phrase like a pirate and it sounds real cool.)
• Saturday Night Live: The Best of Alec Baldwin - Why the fuck are they releasing a "best of" of a host? At least they could do is release more DVDs of cast members.
• Saturday Night Live: The Best of David Spade - Well shit. Be careful what you wish for.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles against H.A.T.E. - Now my buddy thinks this is coming out tomorrow. My info says it will be out on the 31st. For once, I hope he's right, because I'd sure like to get this as soon a possible since there isn't anything else to buy this time around.

The DVD releases get better in the coming weeks, no really they do. How much better depends on whether you like what I like and whether you have horrible taste in 80's television like myself.

Now this is some stupid-ass shit right here

Andy's post about the law in Georgia reminded me of this state law in Wisconsin which is one of the most insane I've ever seen. Trust me, this is real. I can refer you the the PDF located on their .gov server if you really want to read it all.

Wis. Stat. sec. 93.35
Weather modification:
( C ) “Weather Modification” means any activity performed with the intention of producing artificial changes in the composition, motion and resulting behavior of the atmosphere.
(2) No person may engage in weather modification activities without obtaining a professional weather modification license under sub. (4) and weather modification operational permit under sub. (6).

So I guess Cobra's weather dominator in an old G.I. Joe cartoon would be illegal, at least in one state. Here are my questions: How does one go about getting one these weather modification licenses and permits? Does one have to take a weather modification test to prove he or she can successfully modify the weather? Who is qualified enough to administer the test? I bet this law came about after some redneck was struck by lightning while standing on the roof of his barn with his shotgun screaming at the thunderstorm, "I reckon you git offa my prop'ty fore I come up dere and make ye!"

Also, you should be pleased to know that if you eat at any restaurant in Wisconsin while waiting for your weather permit to be laminated, you won't be screwed over on your dairy spread:

97.18(4)
(4) The serving of colored oleomargarine or margarine at a public eating place as a substitute for table butter is prohibited unless it is ordered by the customer.

And since Andy was talking about Georgia laws, I'll add this one:

16-12-100.1.(6) 'Sadomasochistic abuse' means flagellation or torture by or upon a person who is nude or clad in undergarments or in revealing or bizarre costume or the condition of being fettered, bound, or otherwise physically restrained on the part of one so clothed.

Fuck Georgia! I'm staying right here in Colorado where I can handcuff as many clowns as I please!

Lunch was quite unpleasing today. Banquet should change their slogan from: "Bank on Banquet," to: "Banquet: Meals even a hobo wouldn't eat."

Alright, enough with the tomfoolery, and on to the DVD releases and reviews for this week:

• Doogie Howser, M.D.: Season Three - The prescription for constipation!
• Final Destination Scared 2 Death Pack - These movies are Death's way of killing us through shitty writing, acting, and direction.
• Lord of War (2-Disc Special Edition) - I wanted to see this one in the theatres but never got the chance. In the end, I did myself a favor and saved 8 bucks. It's probably only worth a rental.
• The Man - Did anyone see this movie? Really? However, a huge shout-out goes to my homie Samuel L. Jackson for expanding his horizons and finally switching roles to to one he has never played before: A bad-ass black dude with a gun. My respect for him as an actor will go up once he plays a 125 pound, white, eyeglass-wearing, computer-nerd from North Dakota.
• Resident Evil: Apocalypse (Single Disc Version) - Let's see here, we've got the same craptacular movie, but with none of the special features that might have given the original release any value whatsoever. Sweet! I'll buy about a dozen of these and give them out to all my friends as Christmas gifts next year. They'll be so thrilled!
• Titus: Season 3 - Yes, this is a sitcom, and generally I hate sitcoms. This show; however, was actually pretty funny and a radical departure from the standard sitcom formula. I have the first volume of this, so I may just buy this one as well. The only problem i had with the 1st volume was the laugh track. After about 2 minutes of fake audience laughter, I've had enough of it. How about you let me decide when the jokes are funny eh?
• Two for the Money (Widescreen) - True story: This movie was based upon the life of a real-life sports guy who made a lot of money making picks for sports gambling. He then decided his life would make a great movie. I'll make a pick of my own: If you rent or buy this movie, you'll loose your money and feel such emotions as rage, guilt, and depression.

And, that's it for DVDs, which makes it a shitty week for DVD fans such as myself. Next week isn't any more promising I'm sorry to say.

Bitch - Version 1.0

So, I just finished consuming my lunch, which was very difficult mind you. Not because I eat by tilting my head back and swallowing food whole after ripping the raw flesh from the bones of my enemies, but because I keep getting interrupted by these ass-mooks who need help with trivial shit like the copy machine. Can you fooks not see I'm eating here? No, you can't? Well fine, let me help you with what amounts to one of the simplest machines in this hospital. You can run an electron microscope and a gene splicer, but you can't figure out the enigma which is the copy machine? Yeah, you really deserve that huge paycheck you're getting there buddy. These same people also have probems with the electric stapler.
The
Electric
Stapler
This is a simple concept: Step 1: Take papers that need to be stapled. Step 2: Place said papers in designated stapling area. Step 3: The electric stapler staples the papers. One needs not even touch this machine to make it work. How does one fuck this up? The answer eludes me mine friends, but often do I intervene on the behalf of these "Educated" doctors while they're practically stapling themselves to the table. I'd introduce them to the concept of a Paperclip, but I fear it would result in grievous intestinal wounds, and frankly, I don't want to clean that up. This is a library after all and I'm quite content doing very little for my salary.

I'm quite certain that the U.S. Postal Service is ran by anarchists who want nothing more than to see the downfall of civilized society. Take for instance my move to my new apartment. Before this move, I lived with my grandfather, whose name is Charles Crow Sr. My name is not Charles Crow Sr, nor is it Charles Crow III or anything similar. So, one would assume the USPS could get my change of address right without fucking it up. Not only have they forwarded some of grampa's mail to my apartment, but they also contacted Time magazine to change the address to my new apartment. This would have been an appreciated gesture except that this is my Grandpa's subscription, not mine. So now I have Time magazine showing up addressed to my grandpa with my address. When society crumbles, and the economy comes crashing to a halt, and bands of nomadic warriors roam the radioactive lands in search of gasoline and meat, the USPS will be sitting in their offices and distribution centers laughing maniacally while their fingers are evily steepled in front of their cruel faces.

So, the pic of Spider-Man's new costume is out on the net. This is direct from Marvel, but who knows, it could be an elaborate joke, but I doubt it. Not that I mind the new look, it's just quite different from what I expected. It will probably be temporary anyway because fans will bitch and moan until Marvel caves, much like DC did with the short-lived Electro Superman. Well anyways, take a look at the costume here: http://www.marvel.com/publishing/stories/showstory.htm?id=67

I've said it before, and by God, I'll say it again: I hate how Hollywood tries to capitalize on a good thing by beating it to death with the tire-iron of overexposure. They're doing it again, this time with The Butterfly Effect. Now, I've never seen this movie but I hear it's quite good. It did better than expected at the box office and received good reviews. Ergo, Hollywood must kill it, and kill it good. There will be a Butterfly Effect 2 movie made. If you don't believe me, see this: http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=12667 Oh, but if that can't destroy it, this will: The Butterfly Effect TV Series: http://www.comingsoon.net/news/tvnews.php?id=12666 Leave shit alone will you? I know Hollywood is in a slump right now and the studios need success where they can get it, but after this last year, Hollywood should realize that sequels and re-makes aren't what people really want to see, unless they're well made. While we're on this topic, let's take a quick look back at 2005 and see what remakes and sequels we got, only because this topic pisses me off.

• Appleseed (OK, this was freakin' sweet)
• Elektra (Kinda a sequel)
• Assault on Precinct 13
• Son of the Mask
• Be Cool
• The Ring Two
• Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous
• The Amityville Horror
• XXX: State of the Union
• Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (A remake if you count the mini-seris the BBC produced)
• House of Wax
• Star Wars Episode III: ROTS
• Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist
• The Longest Yard
• The Honeymooners
• Batman Begins
• Herbie: Fully Loaded
• Bewitched
• Land of the Dead
• War of the Worlds
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
• Bad News Bears
• The Devil's Rejects
• The Dukes of Hazard
• Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
• Transporter 2
• The Fog
• The Legend of Zorro
• Saw II
• Zathura (Sorta sequel)
• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
• King Kong
• Cheaper by the Dozen 2

I've missed a few I'm sure. Some of these were awesome movies, but most were utter crap, let's face it. Will 2006 be any different? I sure hope so:

• Underworld: Evolution
• Big Momma's House 2
• Final Destination 3
• The Pink Panther
• Dr. Dolittle 3
• The Hills Have Eyes
• The Shaggy Dog
• Basic Instinct 2
• Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
• Scary Movie 4
• Mission: Impossible: III
• Poseidon
• X3
• The Omen 666
• The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
• Garfield 2
• Superman Returns
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
• Miami Vice
• Jackass 2
• Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Origin
• The Grudge 2
• Saw 3
• The Santa Clause 3
• Casino Royale
• Charlotte's Web

AW FUCK ME!! Now I'm depressed from researching that list. Like 2005, I'm only looking forward to a few of these. If you're eagerly anticipating any more than 5 of these, let me know and I'll be sure to place you on my next posting's list of: Top 10 Freaks and Idiots of 2005.

I will accept nominations via comments sections for afforementioned Freaks and Idiots Award list.

I demand your audience

I missed reviewing the DVDs that came out this Tuesday in an earlier post. Due to this oversight, I will review this Tuesday's and this coming Tuesday's DVDs at once. Amazing aren't I?

Tuesday January 3:

Alien Nation: The Complete Series - I never really got into this show, but I'd be interested in at least renting it to see it as a whole.

The Cave (Widescreen) - The tagline for this movie is: "There are some places man was never meant to go." Yeah, like to the theater to see this piece of crap.

Dumb and Dumber: Unrated Edition - I'd be all over this if I didn't already own the normal edition. Quite frankly, this is one of my favorite comedies of all time, right behind Schindler's List. Man, that movie is nonstop laughs!!

Wedding Crashers: New Line Platinum Series - Uncorked (Widescreen) - I can't say this movie is bad because I haven't seen it, but come on Owen Wilson, you can do better. You were in The Life Aquatic so it's obvious you know a good movie when you see it. Then again, you were in Starsky & Hutch, so maybe you just get lucky now and then.


Tuesday January 10:

Ferris Bueller's Day Off (Bueller... Bueller... Edition) - A classic movie that I don't yet own. However, I don't have the desire to see it again anytime soon, especially when it's on television twice a day.

The Flash: The Complete Series - I've been eagerly anticipating this since I first saw this show as a wee little lad in the highlands of Scotland. Sure, it could have been better, but it sure was a fun show. Plus, Mark Hamill guest stars, and one can never have too much Mark Hamill.

Mad Max (Superbit) - I don't yet own this classic post-apocalyptic, biker-killin', leather wearing, octane fueled, ass kicking movie. I do however own a porn film that can be described with that exact same sentence.

Red Eye (Widescreen) - Will I buy this? No. Will I rent it? Possibly. It looks mildly interesting.

Rollerball (2002) Superbit - You can "roll" this one right into the crapper. SCORE!!!!

Transporter 2 (Widescreen) - After watching the 1st Transporter, you may think the 2nd one is worth watching. I'll just tell you this: If you buy this before watching it, you'll find yourself transporting it back to Wal-Mart to get a refund. I'm a completist whore, so if I own 1 movie in a series, I like to own them all, but even I won't buy this one.

Underworld Limited Edition - Just in time for the shitty sequel, we are given yet another version of this film. I was just sitting here thinking to myself: "If only we could have a version of this film on DVD other then the: Underworld (Widescreen Special Edition) (2003), the Underworld (Superbit Collection) (2003), and the Underworld (2-Disc Unrated Extended Cut) (2003)." If I'm forced to watch this movie ever again, I'll jam a stake in my own fuckin' heart.

That's it for now. Tune in in the next few weeks for my reviews of DVD's including great performers such as: Patrick Duffy, Mr. T, and David Hasselhoff.

Oh I wish I were kidding.

Relaxation is for sissies

I only say this because I can't relax. Take yesterday for example. All I wanted to do was go home after work and sit around watching movies in my comfy bathrobe on my new comfy couch. Could the fates allow me this simple wish? Noooooooooo. The fates had to pull me away from work so I could spend 10 hours at a hospital with my grandfather. Now, I'm not blaming my grandfather for having an inflamed pancreas. All I'm saying is, the fates could have done this on Monday when I wasn't really planning on being a lazy bastard. Now, I'm going to have to reschedule everything so that I can be lazy tonight, or perhaps tomorrow night.

As my grandpa was being taken to the hospital in the ambulance yesterday morning, he told his neighbors to lock the screen door. Did they lock the screen door? Fuck no. They locked the main door, and every other door to his house, for which Samantha and I don't have keys to. I think Grandpa's set to the main door is, conveniently enough, inside the house. How are we supposed to feed the fish or take care of the mail and the other trivial bits? I have no idea really. This really is the fault of the neighbor across the street. This woman is so damn helpful to the point of being annoying. She can't just lock the screen as instructed, no, she has to lock the main doors as well. Well, when I have to bust a basement window to get into the house, I'll send her the bill.

The existence of the gaping hole in my bathroom celing continues.

If you're looking to read a book that will only take an hour or two of your precious time, then read: God's Debris, by Scott Adams. Yes, this is the same guy that writes the Dilbert comic strip, but this book has nothing to do with humor. Also, for you cheap ass bitches like myself, you can download it free from Dilbert.com.

To answer your question posed by the previous paragraph: Yes, I can read you heartless ass.

Could there possibly be anything else for me to complain about right now? Actually there isn't. I should get back to my menial library job and continue my current task, which is compiling glossaries for the book my boss is writing. I probably won't get a bit of credit either. Oh, that was a complaint wasn't it?