Bitch - Version 1.0

So, I just finished consuming my lunch, which was very difficult mind you. Not because I eat by tilting my head back and swallowing food whole after ripping the raw flesh from the bones of my enemies, but because I keep getting interrupted by these ass-mooks who need help with trivial shit like the copy machine. Can you fooks not see I'm eating here? No, you can't? Well fine, let me help you with what amounts to one of the simplest machines in this hospital. You can run an electron microscope and a gene splicer, but you can't figure out the enigma which is the copy machine? Yeah, you really deserve that huge paycheck you're getting there buddy. These same people also have probems with the electric stapler.
The
Electric
Stapler
This is a simple concept: Step 1: Take papers that need to be stapled. Step 2: Place said papers in designated stapling area. Step 3: The electric stapler staples the papers. One needs not even touch this machine to make it work. How does one fuck this up? The answer eludes me mine friends, but often do I intervene on the behalf of these "Educated" doctors while they're practically stapling themselves to the table. I'd introduce them to the concept of a Paperclip, but I fear it would result in grievous intestinal wounds, and frankly, I don't want to clean that up. This is a library after all and I'm quite content doing very little for my salary.

I'm quite certain that the U.S. Postal Service is ran by anarchists who want nothing more than to see the downfall of civilized society. Take for instance my move to my new apartment. Before this move, I lived with my grandfather, whose name is Charles Crow Sr. My name is not Charles Crow Sr, nor is it Charles Crow III or anything similar. So, one would assume the USPS could get my change of address right without fucking it up. Not only have they forwarded some of grampa's mail to my apartment, but they also contacted Time magazine to change the address to my new apartment. This would have been an appreciated gesture except that this is my Grandpa's subscription, not mine. So now I have Time magazine showing up addressed to my grandpa with my address. When society crumbles, and the economy comes crashing to a halt, and bands of nomadic warriors roam the radioactive lands in search of gasoline and meat, the USPS will be sitting in their offices and distribution centers laughing maniacally while their fingers are evily steepled in front of their cruel faces.

So, the pic of Spider-Man's new costume is out on the net. This is direct from Marvel, but who knows, it could be an elaborate joke, but I doubt it. Not that I mind the new look, it's just quite different from what I expected. It will probably be temporary anyway because fans will bitch and moan until Marvel caves, much like DC did with the short-lived Electro Superman. Well anyways, take a look at the costume here: http://www.marvel.com/publishing/stories/showstory.htm?id=67

I've said it before, and by God, I'll say it again: I hate how Hollywood tries to capitalize on a good thing by beating it to death with the tire-iron of overexposure. They're doing it again, this time with The Butterfly Effect. Now, I've never seen this movie but I hear it's quite good. It did better than expected at the box office and received good reviews. Ergo, Hollywood must kill it, and kill it good. There will be a Butterfly Effect 2 movie made. If you don't believe me, see this: http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=12667 Oh, but if that can't destroy it, this will: The Butterfly Effect TV Series: http://www.comingsoon.net/news/tvnews.php?id=12666 Leave shit alone will you? I know Hollywood is in a slump right now and the studios need success where they can get it, but after this last year, Hollywood should realize that sequels and re-makes aren't what people really want to see, unless they're well made. While we're on this topic, let's take a quick look back at 2005 and see what remakes and sequels we got, only because this topic pisses me off.

• Appleseed (OK, this was freakin' sweet)
• Elektra (Kinda a sequel)
• Assault on Precinct 13
• Son of the Mask
• Be Cool
• The Ring Two
• Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous
• The Amityville Horror
• XXX: State of the Union
• Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (A remake if you count the mini-seris the BBC produced)
• House of Wax
• Star Wars Episode III: ROTS
• Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist
• The Longest Yard
• The Honeymooners
• Batman Begins
• Herbie: Fully Loaded
• Bewitched
• Land of the Dead
• War of the Worlds
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
• Bad News Bears
• The Devil's Rejects
• The Dukes of Hazard
• Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
• Transporter 2
• The Fog
• The Legend of Zorro
• Saw II
• Zathura (Sorta sequel)
• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
• King Kong
• Cheaper by the Dozen 2

I've missed a few I'm sure. Some of these were awesome movies, but most were utter crap, let's face it. Will 2006 be any different? I sure hope so:

• Underworld: Evolution
• Big Momma's House 2
• Final Destination 3
• The Pink Panther
• Dr. Dolittle 3
• The Hills Have Eyes
• The Shaggy Dog
• Basic Instinct 2
• Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
• Scary Movie 4
• Mission: Impossible: III
• Poseidon
• X3
• The Omen 666
• The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
• Garfield 2
• Superman Returns
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
• Miami Vice
• Jackass 2
• Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Origin
• The Grudge 2
• Saw 3
• The Santa Clause 3
• Casino Royale
• Charlotte's Web

AW FUCK ME!! Now I'm depressed from researching that list. Like 2005, I'm only looking forward to a few of these. If you're eagerly anticipating any more than 5 of these, let me know and I'll be sure to place you on my next posting's list of: Top 10 Freaks and Idiots of 2005.

I will accept nominations via comments sections for afforementioned Freaks and Idiots Award list.