TACOS!!!!!!!

So I got a 36 cent raise last week. That was nice. Even nicer, my boss wants to promote me from the Tech1 position to a Tech 2 position. This would mean an additional raise of at least $1.18 an hour, if not more. This will help offset the cutting of my hours from 40 down to 32 a week. I'll get more money, and I'll be able to sleep until 10 A.M. on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I know, you wish you had my job, but you're not a librarian now are you? And, even if you were, you'd fail at it miserably.

I've always liked tacos, but I've never realized before this weekend how perfect thety are. First of all, they contain all 4 food groups, at least all 4 based off of the old food charts that I learned as a wee little lad. Secondly, the taco container is also part of the edible portion of the taco itself. Isn't this just freakin' amazing?! You can't eat a milk carton, or a cereal box, but you can sure eat the taco shell. Thirdly, the taco is highly adaptable. Don't care for beef? Well then, substiute it with chicken. Lactose intolerant? Leave off the cheese. Like things hot? Add some taco sauce. Want a sit-down meal? They make taco bowls too you know. Fourthly, tacos are cheap. Not only is the purchase price of a taco reasonable, but the manufacturing costs are quite low when illegal mexican immigrants are used as taco makers at near slave-like wages. Fiftly, and lastly, tacos are available everywhere! Taco Bell, Taco Johns, Amigos, Del Taco, and thousands of portable mexican taco stands conveniently located next to vetrinary clinics everywhere make tacos easily accesible to everyone in need of nourishment, except for Hobos. Hobos can't have tacos, for the nourishment provided by them can give them an unexpected burst of speed, making my job a lot more difficult. Think about it, tacos are the perfect food. just try and find something bad about a taco. Just try.

I've said all of this before, but I must say it again:

I hate children.

These tiny little meat-sacks run around screaming and whining with their hands all sticky from God knows what while shoving crap into their food-holes breaking valuables and generally causing everything they come in contact with to reek of the same fetid stench they themselves reek of.

I can't even go into a ToysRUs without having some little fuckturd almost plow into me with a scooter, powerwheels, bike, or other riding device that their parents should keep them off of. I shouldn't have to dodge and weave around the Kiddie Grand-Prix just to get my toy fix. I'm an out-of-shape librarian, I'm not designed to move that fast, nor could I ever except in the event of hostile Hobo takeover of Earth. The gun shop told me I was buying too many weapons, but when the Hobos attack, they'll wish they're as prepared as I am.

These same bastard children then end up in the same movie theater as I am, all the while asking questions, repeating lines, and not shutting-the-fuck-up for the entire film. I've got a movie for you kid. It's called: "It's Your Fault: The Story of How Your Mommy's Going to Die Tonight Because You Couldn't Be Quiet."

Honestly, I believe that children are the universe's equivalent of biological warfare. They're an assault on all 5 senses. They look horrible with slobber and mud and old food caked on their wretched bodies. They're sticky to the touch. They sound horrible, crying and yelling and blathering all the damn time. They smell ungodly bad from wallowing around in their own filth. And, as for taste, I'm sure they don't taste too good either. Unless of course you lightly season your child with some Mrs. Dash while roasting it over an open fire.

Old people suck too. They also smell.

So let us discuss films. The movie Slither is out now and it looks pretty dumb to me. All who know me know that I'm not a huge horror fan. Now Slither is horror/comedy, but still, no amount of humor can make me digest the horrible plot devices and needless special effects gore that is present in most modern day horror. My question is: How can this movie have an 86% rating on RottenTomatoes? Critics love this movie. It has the same rating as Brokeback Mountain and A History of Violence for christsakes. Now I've never seen BBM, but it was at least nominated for best picture, and A History of Violence was damn good. Capote and Good Night, and Good Luck have higher ratings, but not much higher. Also, it has a higher rating than V for Vendetta. Now V might have had it's problems, but it's definately better than alien slugs and toilet humor involving said alien slugs.

On to the DVD releases for this week. It's no Monkey-Fest this week, but it'll do.

• The A-Team: Season Four - I didn't buy the first 3 seasons, so this isn't looking likely either.
• Blue Thunder (Special Edition) - Some say this was better, while some say Airwolf was better. Either way, you get to watch a super-helicoptor kick some ass. Personally, I prefer Airwolf for both the action and helicoptor design, but as far as cast goes, Blue Thunder has Roy Scheider and Malcolm McDowell whereas Airwolf had Jan-Michael Vincent and Ernest Borgnine. Blue Thunder wins that round hands-down.
• Brokeback Mountain (Widescreen) - Usually, sappy dramas aren't my thing no matter if the characters are gay or straight. Personally, I think this movie was nominated for best picture based on the content of the movie and not the actual merits of the film, but I could be wrong. Sadly, the media has made so many gay cowboy jokes that I can't make one without seeming like a tool. However, if you need any gay cripple jokes, I'm the go-to-guy.
• The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe (Special Two-Disc Collector's Edition) - This film was ok, but I walked out of the theater feeling somewhat dissapointed. I'm not really sure why. I think part of it was the lack of character development. Sure, we get a good idea of what the characters are like, but I never really connected with them at all. I really didn't give a shit whether they all died or not. It's watchable and somewhat enjoyable, but lacking the something that would make it a really good film.
• Crash: 2-Disc Special Edition - The winner of Best Picture at the Academy Awards. Once again, the content of this film was the strong point, not the film itself. "Oh this movie deals with racial tension and black people and we just have to vote for this one because it's so controversial" This film shouldn't have won best picture, because it simply wasn't the best film, but because of the content it got pushed to the top.
• Knight Rider: Season Four - The final season of Knight Rider means only one thing: Team Knight Rider on DVD can't be far behind! I'm going to go cry now.
• Magnum, P.I.: Season Four - I haven't bought any of these sets, but I stand by the opinion that this was a pretty good show. I've been catching reruns every so often and it's so much better than either The A-Team or Knight Rider could ever hope to be.
• Star Trek: Fan Collective - Time Travel - Definately more affordable then the $100 season boxed sets.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Season 4 - Oh the memories this show brings back. If you don't like this show, you're a dirty, vodka-sucking Communist. Don't try to deny it Vladimir, I know your game.
• Tripping the Rift: Season 2 - Whereas I don't care for toilet humor in films, toilet humor in short animated cartoons is perfectly acceptable.

Stock up on DVDs this week, because next week really blows.