Early Warning System

Yes, I'm posting early. No, I don't care that it throws off your entire schedule.

I'm going to start this blog off with something new. I'm going to run down a select list of SPAM e-mails that I've gotten. You will see the subject of the E-Mail in bold, followed by my comments:

• Fair Russian Sluts in Porno!
  It’s about damn time. I’ve become quite tired of watching hot Russian sluts in porno, and now I’m ready to see some average looking sluts take it in the ass.
  
• Mmmmmmmmmmmm Doughnuts!
  Appealing to my insatiable appetite is a step in the right direction.
  
• SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT Blonde gets herself off - Well, I’m sure glad they warned me that it’s sexually explicit. I was just going to open that message up in eager anticipation to see a hot blonde step off the bus.
  
• Get an Electric Wheelchair with zero or little cost to you
  This one’s trying to appeal to my sloth-like nature. It’s a tempting offer, but if I were to get an electric wheelchair, people would assume I’m crippled, and I can’t have that now. Did you know some actually consider crippled people alive?!
  
• The patented Longevity HGHR formula from Germany
  Of course I’ll trust the Germans with a life extension breakthrough, I mean, look how well they did with extending the lives of the Jews.
  
• Great Clips vs. Fantastic Sams - Vote Now
  Remember kids, voting is important. More so in a Presidential election then this one, but let your voice be heard! If you don’t, only you can be to blame when Great Clips invades Libya looking for the Shampoos of Mass Destruction.
  
• ;) message from Gino Hamlin
  Ah, I haven’t heard from Gino since I was in Middle Earth fighting the Orcs for control of Rohan.
  
• SMC Home Business Information
  A business named the same as my initials? This just has to be legit.
  
• [none] An excellent title. It gives us a teaser of the spam message without giving away too much.

Now on to the bitching:

Every time I want to use one of those handy price scanners at Wal-Mart, I can’t. There are two scenarios that can play out providing me with more fuel for my undying hatred.

1. Every price scanner in the immediate area says: “Price Scanner Unavailable” or “Item Information not found. Please see an associate.” This means, in order to find out the price, I have to take it to a register and stand in line, or track down the ignorant teenage bastard in a blue smock just so he can tell me that he can’t check the price because the scanners are down.
2.Someone else is using it. Not someone with intelligence mind you. I’m talking about the decrepit half-blind 80-year old hag who takes 5 minutes trying to scan her item but can’t really figure out how to use this amazing new piece of technology. She’ll run the item under, over, and beside the scanner at every angle possible. She’ll then look at the scanner like it’s the problem the tap the scanner with her item to see if that will help. She’ll then move to the next step, which is talking to the scanner in a vain attempt to verbally persuade the scanner to give up its information. And, if it isn’t an old person at the scanner, it’s the child who, while their parent’s attention is turned toward other shiny objects, proceeds to scan every single item in the cart just to hear it beep. And, if it isn’t the old person or the child, it’s the white-trash trailer-park couple who has to scan everything in their cart to make sure they gots them the prices right. Every scan followed by: “I thoughts this was four fifty, not four sixty. Should we put it back or keep it?” I’ll tell you where to fuckin’ put it.

Now I understand it isn’t just “my” scanner, but there’s ALWAYS some shitclown ahead of me fucking with the scanner. Just get the fuck out of the way so I can scan my one goddamn item. At least be considerate.


I’ve discovered that people too stupid to work at a Wal-Mart go to work at Rite-Aids. A Rite-Aid is very much like a Walgreen’s. I found this out via a phone call. You see, I’m looking for this figure here:

This is a Doombot from the Fantastic Four movie line. This is rare and isn’t hitting your typical places like Wal-Marts and TRUs. This goes for around $60 on Ebay. I found one at a Rite-Aid. I decided to call Rite-Aids in the area to see if they had any more. This is the conversation I had with an employee at a Rite-Aid:

Rite-Aid (RA) – Hello this is Rite-Aid. Monica speaking.
Me – Hello, I was wondering if you could check on a product for me.
RA – Of course, what are you looking for?
Me – It’s a toy actually. A Fantastic 4 movie toy. It’s called a Doombot and it’s a big green robot-looking thing.
RA – Let me check, I’ll be right back.
-A Few Minutes Passes-
RA – Hello Sir? I’m sorry, all we have is a gold robot named Ah-Mah-Zo and a Superman. (yes, she pronounced it ah-mah-zo.)
Me – (urge to kill rising) Uh thanks a lot.

This is a picture of what she found:

Now I can understand commonplace stupidity, but this stupidity transcends the laws of physics. I asked for Fantastic Four, and she looked for Justice League. Different company, different comic universe, different scale, different price, and most importantly, DIFFERENT FUCKING NAME! The closest I can get to her train of thought is that Justice is Fantastic and they had 4 Justice League figs on the pegs; therefore, Fantastic 4. I was so pissed I stopped by that Rite-Aid, and sure enough, they had some Fantastic 4 figs, not only on the pegs, but the peg directly above the Justice League figs. I’m aware that you don’t need years of education to work at a Rite-Aid, but the ability to read would sure be a nice quality to have.

It’s DVD review time!!! Put on your party hats and prepare to be amazed….

Doogie Howser, M.D.: Season Four – The amazement ceases before it ever began.

Event Horizon (Special Collector's Edition) – I always liked this movie, and since I don’t already own it on DVD, this will be a necessary purchase. This movie, in my opinion, is a near perfect marriage of horror and sci-fi. Sure, there have been better, but this truly is a creepy-ass movie from start to finish.

Hostel – Another dumb horror flick.

Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis – Even though zombies can’t open doors, the title predicts that this movie will be about a zombie-city. Seems like a natural-enough progression, you know, from not being able to function to running the local zombie Starbucks. Would you like whipped cream on your Brainsaccino?

Thundercats: Season Two, Volume One – If I wasn’t so damn poor, I’d buy this shit in a heartbeat.

That’s it. Return next week for one of the worst DVD weeks in history. How’s that to make you want to come back?