Tomfoolery and Poppycock

This coming weekend will be full of both as Shane and I make a small road trip to Kansas City and then to my perent's place in good old Nebraska. Plus, I just like saying Tomfoolery and Poppycock. It will be a good weekend, but also depressing knowing that I won't be at the 2006 G.I. Joe Convention. Oh well, shit happens. I haven't actually posted a Stupid MotherFucker of the Week award on here for a few weeks but I'm sure I'll have enough candidates after my little trip to fill a few weeks up. I'll be driving through Kansas, Missouri, and Nebraska on this trip, and if any states are full of stupid motherfuckers, it's these three.

Of course a trip, even a minor one like this, has its problems. Money being the first one. Sure, I can afford it, but just barely. Also, some of my friends just don't understand how short of a trip this is. I'll be at my parent's house in Nebraska from about 4 P.M. on Saturday afternoon until 7 A.M. Sunday morning. Obviously, my parents want us to eat dinner there on Saturday night. Yet, my friend Brian wants us to drive 35 miles to where he lives so we can "hang out" with him. He just can't understand the facts. This isn't a week long trip. This is a 3 day trip with 19 hours of drive time. I'm glad Brian doesn't read this blog because then he'd know I think he's being a dumbass. Hey dumbass, how about you come visit me in Denver like you said you were going to do 2 years ago? I thought so.

Although I don't have to worry about Samantha on this vacation at all. Sure, she's my fiancee and I enjoy taking trips with her, but sometimes you just have a take a tiny break from the significant other. it doesn't mean you hate them, it just means you need some "me" time, or in this case, some "guy" time. In addition, I like driving. I find it soothing and calming. However, if it's too soothing and calming, I wind up dozing off and slamming into a bus full of children at 80 mph. Sure, I wouldn't mind that at all, but the law enforcement comminity frowns upon dead kids.

Samantha and I have been "looking into" getting a grill for our patio. By "looking into," I mean taking the time to set money aside to buy one. Our apartment complex only allows gas grills though and not charcoal ones. That's fine with me since I'm a damn lazy bastard. My grandfather bought a new gas grill last summer. Sure, it was a cheap one, but it does it's job. On Saturday, he just gave it to us, saying that he won't use it ever again. Grandfathers can be so nice at times. We used it twice this weekend to grill us up some hot dogs, or "dogs" as they're called in the hood. I sure do like meat.

Enough of my incessant ramblings. It's time to Shock and Awe you with my uncalled for bombing and invasion of the country known as DVD Releases.

• Annapolis (Widescreen) - Does anyone really care about this film?
• Blue Collar Comedy Tour - One for the Road (Widescreen Edition) - Once again, does anyone really care about this film, other than Alabama?
• Commander in Chief: The Inaugural Edition Part 1 - Apparently, people loved this show and thought it was really good television. Yet, it has been cancelled so it must have been lacking something.
• Failure to Launch (Special Collector's Edition - Widescreen) - I can promise you that this film will never pass before my precious eyes.
• Fear Factor: The First Season - Great, now I can relive all those memories of complete morons eating cow intestines and rat assholes.
• Find Me Guilty - This film looked mildly interesting. I just may rent it.
• Independence Day: 10th Anniversary Edition - Alright. I've had enough of this God Damn movie on DVD. This is at least the fifth time this movie has been released on DVD, I shit you not. So the Limited Edition or the 5 Star Edition wasn't enough? What really pissed me off was the new slipcover that was thrown on to the 2002 edition od ID4 to capitalize off of War of the Worlds. Take a look at 2 War of the Worlds DVD designs and then the ID4 slipcover and tell me it isn't cheap combination of the 2.

• Leroy & Stitch - Yep, another pointless Disney sequel.
• Ultraviolet (Unrated Extended Cut) - Maybe someday I'll be so bored that I'll rent this film to see how bad it really is, but that day won't be anytime soon.

That is it for the DVD releases for this week, and as you can already determine, it's best to just skip the DVD shelves altogether this week. But not the porno shelves. NEVER skip those.

You've read this one already..

I just changed the title.

This weekend, in between kicking Shane's ass in LazerTag and cooking a damn fine casserole, I decided to watch some old movies. Not old like Citizen Kane, old like 12 years ago old. You see, I was able to pick up DVD copies of Mortal Kombat and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. When I was 15 years old, I though Mortal Kombat was an enjoyabe action film based off of an enjoyable series of games. When I was 17, I thought Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (MKA) really sucked more than anything could possibly suck. I wanted to watch these 2 films again to see if my opinions had changed, as they do with films sometimes. My thoughts are as follows:

Mortal Kombat : Wow. This film wasn't as good as I had remembered. Now it isn't horrible, and I still enjoy it for what it is, but some of the acting is just horrible. I must say though, I quite enjoy the character of Kano as played by Trevor Goddard. It is exactly how he should be played and it saddens me that if Kano is ever in another MK film, Trevor won't be playing him since the dumbass died of a drug overdose in 2003. And the guy playing Johnny Cage also was a good fit. Some of the special effects, like Reptile, really suck too, at least by today's discerning moviegoer's eyes. Yeah, this movie is cheesy, but still kind of fun.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation: I was really hoping that this film was better than I had remembered it. It, in fact, is worse. Now, I enjoy action movies, but this film is ridiculous. This is the action movie equivalent of a porno film. Two minutes of shittly plot, followed by 5 minutes of sex, or in this case, fighting. Repeat that over and over and you have the film. This had 2 major negative effects on the film. 1: I got God Damn tired of watching people fight really fast. 2: The final battel between Liu Kang and Shao Kahn at the end of the film looses all importance because it's just another fight. Near the end, I was so tired of mindless fights, I was really hoping that Liu Kang and Shao Kang would resolve their problems over a thrilling game of Mortal Kheckers, complete with a thumping techno beat.

This wasn't the only bad part of the film. There are so many, I just have to talk about some of them because they're so damn bad!

The acting is even worse than that of the 1st movie. The casting makes no sense. Alot of the characters from the 1st film are recast, and recast poorly. The plot is really only there to set-up the next fight. This movie is supposed to take place immediately after the first, yet the characters are wearing different outfits at the beginning of this film. There is a scene where Sonya Blade gets covered, and I mean absolutely covered in mud, yet in the next scene, she looks like she has never even seen mud and her white tank top looks like it just came out of the wash. The effects in this film suck too, especially when Liu Kang and Shao Kahn turn into dragons near the end. Yep, you heard right, they turn into dragons to fight. Which is really fucking pointless since about 3 minutes later, they turn back into their human forms for the "final" battle. I had thought that the final battle had been going on for 5 minutes already, but apparently not.

My final rant about this piece of crap are the costumes. The filmakers kept all the outfits exactly as they are in the game, but they don't translate to film at all. This is the perfect example of how when an outfit works in one form, such as a comic or game, it doesn't necesarily work on film. Nightwolf looked like a bad-ass Native American in MKIII. He looks like a gay Indian in the movie. And purple spandex doesn't work on ANY character in ANY movie.

I hated this film and I like a lot of shitty action films, but this one is too damn bad even for me. In fact, this film was so bad, that after watching it, I couldn't remember what about the 1st film I thought was bad. It's like fuckin' Shakespeare compared to the 2nd. A third film, Mortal Kombat: Devastation, is in pre=production now, and I'm hoping for the sake of the Earth itself, that's it's an improvement. The casting is going back to the first film so hopefully they do the whole "Highlander 2" scenario and totally ignore that the 2nd film ever happened.

Alright, enough about films that no one gives a rat's ass about. On to the DVD releases for tomorrow and I must say that finally the drought is over and we've got some good shit hitting the shelves tomorrow, although most of it is suppled by DC.

• The Adventures of Superboy: The Complete First Season - Honestly, I can only remember seeing like 1 episode of this when it was on the air in 1988 and I can't even remember if it was good or not. For some reason though, I'm kind of excited to pick it up and give it a try. Apparently, the cast changed, including Superboy, after season one and the show was much better for seasons 2-4.
• Adventures of Superman: The Complete Third and Fourth Seasons - The old timey classics, which I've never actually watched.
• Eight Below (Widescreen) - Oh joy. A Disney movie satrring Paul Walker and a bunch of sled dogs. I'm taking a guess here by saying that the dogs are better actors than Paul Walker.
• The Hills Have Eyes (Unrated) - I'm getting tired of every shittly horror movie being released as "Unrated." How about you just release the cut you want to release in the first place? Two more minutes of gore isn't going to make me want to see the fim any more than I had wanted to in the first place, which wasn't much at all.
• Justice League: Season Two - WOOOT!!!!
• Krypto: The Superdog, Volume One - Cosmic Canine - There are a lot of DC themed releases this fine day, but this is one I'll be passing on.
• Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman - The Complete Third Season - Meh. I never really got into this show.
• Look, Up in the Sky: The Amazing Story of Superman - Documentaries are for sissues.
• Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure - Disney is really good at making meaningless sequels just to rake in the money, and sadly, most of them suck.
• Night Watch (Nochnoi Dozor) - I've heard so many different opinions on this Russian film that I really want to see it to form my own opinion. It looks good from the previews anyway.
• Superman: The Animated Series - Volume Three - Another DC release that I must have.
• Superman: Brainiac Attacks - This is a new film that, like the Superman Animated Series, uses Tim Daly as the voice of Superman. The Justice League toon used another voice actor. I'll buy this too.
• Syriana (Widescreen) - I unfortunately was unable to see this in the theatres so I'm really looking forward to seeing it now. George Clooney is the shit.

And that's it. You see, I told you that this week was better than the last few. Always listen to Crow and you'll come out ok. Next week, we're back to the suckage.

I'm Made Out of People!!!!!!

So, everyone is told at some point in their life that they look like a celebrity. Take Andy for instance, he kinda looks like Moby, but on Heroin. I thought’s today’s comment from a library patron on who I resemble was most hilarious. First, let me list those celebrities that I’ve previously been told I look like:

• Johnny Rzeznik, lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls.
• Charles Manson - Not so much of a celebrity, but I still count it.
• Dr. Evil - Not really a celeb either, just a movie character, but I've been told by more than one person that I reming them of Dr. Evil when I'm not even trying to mimic him. This and Manson leads me to believe that people think I'm a bad person at heart, and if I ever find out for sure that they think this, I'll stab them in the neck with a pencil.
• A young Elvis Presley. Yes, I too said "What the Fuck?" when some idiot told me this. I guess it's better than looking like an old Elvis Presley, which I'll probably acheive in the next 3 years if I play my cards right.

But today's comment was possibly the greatest of them all. You probably figured it out from today's title. Yep, someone just said I look like Charlton Heston. This is kinda disturbing because I've been told that I'm distantly related to him, through marriage hopefully. It's also odd because I've openly mocked Heston and his acting chops for many a year. Not to his face though, that man owns a lot of guns. I can see the Manson lookalike connection when I've got my Hobo look going. I can even vaguely see a tiny Rzeznik similarity when my hair was longer and died like it was 6 years ago. But the Presly one? Hell no. And certainly not the Heston one. I don't sound like him either. I don't talk as if my teeth constantly hurt. I'm never sure if I should take these comments as compliments or insults.

To celebrate this fine day, I will leave you with some of Heston's more valuable contributions to movie dialogue:

• You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
• It's people. Soylent Green is made out of people. They're making our food out of people.
• Sweet Christ...

Thank you Mr. Heston, you're both a gentelman and a scholar.

I Think I'm Sick

Something is terribly wrong with me. I have absolutely nothing to bitch and moan about today. Had my weekend sucked, this Monday would also suck; however, my weekend was great. This is why my weekend was great:

• My computer works. Apparently, the woman didn't fry it when she spilled the cup of water.
• I found some tough to find Marvel Legend figs.
• I found an amazing deal on G.I. Joes toys from some guy who wants to get shafted instead of making a profit.
• After years of inactivity, I finally got another chance for some quality war games. A buddy and myself went up to a quiet national park and played a few rousing games of laser tag. We have these sweet-ass rifles that fire a nerf-like missle than can tag the other players. Years ago, I said a lazer tag grenade would be the next logical step, and the man listened. Did I win you ask? Well of course. I not only supply extra lazer tag guns when needed, I suppy the cold depressing onslaught of total domination.

If you personally know me, you'll not only wish me dead, but you'll know that I'm quite good at seeing into the future. Every so often, I plan to use my psychic abilities to pull a news article from the future of a famous individual. Today, I will pull an article from the August 13, 2013 edition of the Sydney Daily News. I decided to hightlight Richard Branson today because eveyday he decides to try something new and wacky and I wanted to see how he actually ends up dying:

Entrepreneur Richard Branson Dead at 63
Sydney, Australia

Tragedy struck at 6:04 P.M. Tuesday evening when billionaire Richard Branson finally met his fate. Founder of the Virgin empire, including successful airline, railway, media, and space travel projects, was well-known for his dangerous ventures both inside and outside of the board room. Branson was often criticized by his investors for his risky behavior, including jaunts on experimental, and untested, aircrafts and space faring vehicles. Parachuting, base jumping, and hang gliding were a few of Branson’s more dangerous “hobbies.” The ordinary man wouldn’t have been able to indulge himself like this, but Branson, worth over four billion dollars, could afford the most outrageous of stunts.

His last risky adventure would prove to be the most dangerous of all. According to the IMAX film crew documenting his last adventure, Branson suffered multiple lacerations from razor-sharp, diamond-tipped, poison-laced tusks while fighting an army of his genetically engineered WARthogs on his specially designed flying battle city, entitled VirginSacrifice. Branson boarded VirginSacrifice encased within his hydrogen-powered armor boots and armed only with a laser crossbow, a 2x4 with a rusty nail in it, and a thirst for excitement. Branson was successful in killing eight WARthogs before the remaining 12 lured him into a trap and knocked him unconscious with powerful nerve gas secreted from their teats.

Richaard Branson, one of Richard Branson’s many clones, issued this statement: “We at Virgin Enterprises are shocked and saddened by Richard’s untimely passing. Now please excuse me while I take my daily injection to prevent my soy-based clone body from breaking down. Thank you.”

Richard Branson will be cremated and his ashes will be shot toward the sun, where the red star’s immense gravity will slingshot Bronson’s remains towards the black hole in the center of the galaxy.

Wow, I didn't see that one coming.

The DVD monkey has just flung his poo-of-new-releases at me.

• 16 Blocks (Widescreen) - I enjoy Bruce Willis as an actor and all, but this film just looks boring. A good cop has to protect a witness from the bad cops for, oddly enough, the length of 16 blocks. Throw in some badgers and then you've got a movie I'd pay to see.
• Beavis and Butt-Head, Vol. 2: The Mike Judge Collection - Patrick Stewart loves this show, and so should you.
• Dave Chappelle's Block Party (Unrated Widescreen) - I've barely seen any of Dave Chappelle's work and I already hate him.
• Dharma & Greg: Season One - It was only a matter of time before they started releasing this show on DVD. Somewhere out there, there are people happy about this. These people are called "Commies."
• MacGyver: The Complete Sixth Season - This is the show that taught me how to blow open the hull of a ship with only bleach, peanut butter, a ball-point pen, and an egg-timer. I can't count how many times that's come in handy.
• The Princess Bride - The "Buttercup Edition" - And if this isn't "Manly" enough for you, there's always...
• The Princess Bride - The "Dread Pirate Edition" - Two different packaging versions for your pleasure! I think everything else is the same about these releases, but this is a must buy.
• Sandler Collection - Big Daddy, 50 First Dates, and Mr. Deeds together in one amazingly craptacular package.
• Walker, Texas Ranger: The Complete First Season - Yes!! Finally a reason to incorporate Chuck Norris jokes into my blog!! There is no Theory of Evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. The opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan are loosely based on the games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played as a child. The “C-section” is named after Chuck Norris, for when he roundhouse kicked himself through his mother’s stomach. Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer...too bad Chuck Norris has never cried. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a guy so fast, that his foot broke the speed of light, travelled back through time, and killed Amelia Earhart and vaporized her plane while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

You see how funny Chuck Norris jokes can be?! I'm still laughing over the C-section joke.

On Bullshit

The topic for the majority of today's blog will be Bullshit. I know it's a new thing for this blog but let me just get right into it and I bet you'll catch on fast.

So my lovely fiancee Samantha accidentally spilled a cup of water last night onto the coffee table. Isn't it odd that I still call it a coffee table, yet I drink no coffee? My laptop was on this coffee table as well. My laptop won't turn on this morning. Right now, the laptop is a $1400 paperweight.

So, Samantha says I shouldn't be angry at her because it was an accident and she didn't mean to do it. I don't have the right to be angry when a very expensive piece of electronic equipment gets fried because of someone else's clumsyness?

BULLSHIT

So I says to Sam: "Well if I were out driving your car and someone smashed into it and totaled it, you'd be angry at me." To which she replies: "No I wouldn't be, because it would be an accident."

BULLSHIT

She would bitch and moan and make me feel guilty for it for the next 65 fuckin' years. Women, when they have nothing to be angry about, FIND reasons to be angry.

Also, why is it whenever Samantha spills something, it's ALWAYS my shit that gets damaged? Yeah yeah, I know that it technically our stuff, but like she cares about the Wizard Poster Book that got ruined a few months back. Yes, everything may be ours, but there are clearly items that belong to one or the other. In the 5+ years we've been together, she has spilled crap on cardboard DVD cases, comic books, and now a computer. She has knocked crap off tables causing me to loose some very small pieces to a 20 year old G.I. Joe item. Hell, it only took me 20 years to complete it, I'll just complete it again in 2026. I've NEVER seen her spill anything on her romance books or on really anything of hers. That my friends, is

BULLSHIT

Add to this the fact that now I have to redo 2 assignments for a cataloging class that were due tomorrow that had previously been safe and sound on my laptop, and you can see that I'm wading in a deep kiddee-pool of

BULLSHIT

You're beginning to see a recurring theme now aren't you? And that fact that she doesn't like to take responsibility pisses me off too. I know this wasn't intentional, but her saying this cheeses me off: "Well you can't be mad because I accidentally may have fried your computer." MAY HAVE MY ASS. IT WON'T FUCKING TURN ON FOR CHRISTSAKES. You DID fry it. Hey, what's that in the sky? Is it a bird or a plane? Nope, it's

BULLSHIT

Moving on to other issues: What is with these people who feel like they have to back into every parking space? Will that extra 3 seconds you save when you leave work or the SuperTarget really matter? Will it offset the 20 seconds you wasted trying to back into the space at the beginning of work? I'm not entirely sure, but I think the logic and reasoning center of your brains are full of, yep, you guessed it...

BULLSHIT

I'm also having an issue with Amazon. The online retailer, not the immensely large rainforest full of things that will eat me. I pre-ordered some Marvel Legends in February and the order is scheduled to ship sometime this week. Two weeks ago, I found some of these figures so I went to cancel them from my order. The website gives me an error message every time I try to cancel these items. Of course, I e-mailed Amazon for a prompt resolution. That was 2 weeks ago. Seven days ago, I got a second e-mail response from them telling me that they're trying to fix the problem and they'll get back to me in 2 days. Still nothing to this very day. WHAT FUCKING PROBLEM CAN THERE BE? JUST CANCEL THE DAMN ITEMS! Your system has no freakin' problem accepting new orders now does it? Why no, no it doesn't. How very odd. I wonder how much shipping Amazon will charge for the

BULLSHIT that they're sending me.

Alright, it's time to move on the the
STUPID MOTHERFUCKER OF THE WEEK, which also ties in nicely to the theme of today's thrilling show.

This week's winner is the illustrious group of assclowns that call themselves XM Radio Customer Service. I've had issues with them before, but this is the top dog. So last Friday I called them to cancel one of the 2 radios on my account due to us using the 2nd radio very little. After waiting on hold for 20 minutes, I got customer service who told me I had to call another number. And no, they couldn't just transfer me. After waiting another 20 minutes, I get a guy who verifies all of my info and hears my cancellation request. He then informs me that the system is down but he'll take all of the info and that another rep will call me when the system comes back up to let me know that the cancellation has indeed occured. That call never happened. Naturally, not wanting to wait on hold for another lifetime, I e-mailed XM yesterday asking what the deal is. I get this response:

** Dear Sean,
Thank you for contacting XM Satellite Radio.We recently received a request to deactivate an XM Satellite radio from your email address. Since we are unable to verify the identity of the sender of the email, the XM Satellite Radio Email Team is unable to process such a request. Instead, please call 1-800-998-7900 between the hours of 6 am and 2 am, Monday through Saturday and Sunday 8 am through 8 pm Eastern Standard Time. An XM Satellite Radio Listener Care phone representative will be happy to assist you.
Thank you, Dan Altmann XM's Listener Care Email Team **

Well, FUCK YOU DAN!!!!! Had your reps done their job, I wouldn't need to call back, I'm I'm damn sure not going to. You, or one of your fuck-tard reps, are going to call me, as I was told in the first place, and you'll cancel the GodDamn radio before I track your sorry ass down and beat the shit out of you with an electric stapler, which conveniently is the closest blunt object to me at the present time. You XM folk win the award not only for your incompetance, but also for your amazing commitment to

BULLSHIT

You like how I used both bold variance and color to hightlight certain words? I like it cause it's pretty. OK, I think I'm done complaining now so I'll move on the the DVDs that were released yesterday.

• Black Hawk Down (Extended Cut) - Sweet, all I wanted from this film is more indistinct guys running around screaming and getting shot.
• Charmed: The Complete Fifth Season - This DVD has just cast a spell on me. A spell that induces nausea and the urge to kill.
• Dazed and Confused (Criterion Collection) - The special edition of this film was released not even a year ago which is when I purchased it. Those dirty mother fuckers, I fell for their lies again. LIES!!!!
• The Drew Barrymore Collection - Never Been Kissed, Fever Pitch, AND Ever After. At least it isn't those god awful Charlie's Angels films, although honestly, is this set really much better? I say Hell No good sir!
• The Fast and the Furious: Franchise Collection - If I'm counting correctly, this is the 3rd release of the first film and the 2nd of the 2nd film. Anyone who remotely liked these films have already bought this set and had 6 children in the back of an '82 Camaro with their sister.
• Firewall (Widescreen Edition) - Horrible reviews and a re-re-re-re hashed plotline don't interest me in the least.
• George Clooney: The Collection - One Fine Day, Solaris, and the Thin Red Line make up this set. Sure, I think Clooney is one of the best actors for this generation, but this set seriously doesn't collect the 3 best films he's done. There are better choices.
• Glory Road (Widescreen) - Another "We can do it if we try!!" sports movie. Haven't we all had enough of these? Even sports fans have to be growing tired of these. Show me an inspirational story of a group of misguided Scottish athletes trying to make it big on the Caber toss circuit and I'll gladly pay for a ticket.
• He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: Season 2 V. 1 - Oh yeah!! Now we're talking! Finally a release worthy of my preciously-short attention span!
• Home Improvement: Season Four - And, just when it peeked it's head out, my attention has returned to it's den to hide.
• Mr. & Mrs. Smith - Unrated - Oh come on! The normal version just came out like 3 months ago. I fell for their lies agin!!! LIES!!!!!!!!
• Underworld: Evolution (Special Edition, Widescreen) - Do I even need to tell you this is a horrible film? Well, I guess I just did.

So that's it for today. Sure there are a lot od DVDs being released but, and I'm sure you saw this coming, most of them are nothing but

BULLSHIT!!!!

You Sons of Bitches...

Normally I wouldn't post at this time of the week, but I must get this out....

I'm quite the fan of the Die Hard films. So, naturally, when I heard of plans for Die Hard 4.0, I was pleased. But of course, Sean has no reason to be pleased now does he? They just announced that Die Hard 4.o will be directed by none other than Len Wiseman. Well that's just fuckin' peachy. Hand a franchise I love over to the jackass who directed both Underworld films. Directed AND wrote may I add. I'm not a fan of the Underworld movies, mainly because they suck.

You see that's the bad thing about shitty movies. Not only do they spawn shitty sequels that clog up the rental racks, but the movie studios see these successful shitty movies and mistakenly think that the movies aren't shitty and hire these hack writers and directors to "better" existing goodness. let me list some other examples of hacks being given projects they don't deserve:

Eli Roth, the "genius" behind Cabin Fever and Hostel has been hired to direct The Cell, a movie based on Stephen King's latest book. By the way, Cabin Fever was one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen.

Jonathan Lemkin, who wrote Lethal Weapon 4, was hired to write a script for Superman Returns before the current movie's idea was accepted. His idea was to have Superman impregnate Lois Lane right before he dies. Lois then gives birth, dying during childbirth, resulting in a fully-grown new Superman that takes over where his father left off to save the Earth. I'm not kidding. I can't make this shit up people.

Along the lines of Superman, McG, hot off the success of Charlie's Angels was also supposed to direct Superman Returns but dropped out for personal reasons and to direct Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.

Aliens Vs. Predator did so well at the box office that Fox seems to be moving ahead with AVP2. The early script, has the story taking place in present day in a small Texas town infiltrated by "Predaliens." The Predalien Hive is rumored to be a Super K-Mart. Once again, I shit you not. This is the horrible truth. In fact, take a gander at the possible movie tagline: "For the first time ever, an ALIEN FOOTPRINT forms on American soil.” If it wasn't the continuing death of another franchse I loved, I'd laugh.

Of course, I could be wrong on the whole Die Hard / Wiseman thing. Disney hired the guy who directed The Mexican and The Ring to direct Pirates of the Caribbean and that turned out great. He also directed The Weather Man, a truly entertaining film. I gues I'll just have to wait and see.

So my job is boring.

At least it pays more than yours.

So I said in the last post that if I had time, I'd quickly review a made-for-tv movie I saw last week. Well here goes.

Last Wednesday, ABC premiered their film version of Stephen King's book Desperation. Normally, ABC is prone to create mini-series' out of King's work, mainly because most of King's books are frickin' huge. Desperation was only a one-shot however, which was fine by me because I think a mini-series would have been way too drawn out.

Most of these ABC King films are pretty weak production-wise. Sure, they do what they can, but one can always tell that it's just a made-for-tv movie with a tiny budget. Sometimes the special effects blow, as with the Langoliers, but more often than not, the acting sucks too, also as evidenced by the Langoliers. Desperation didn't really showcase any special effects so that was fine. As for the acting, it wasn't too terribly bad with Tom Skerritt and Ron Perlman as the main actors. Ron Perlman being especially good as the psycho sherriff. The woman who played the distraught mother of the boy was pretty damn bad though. And the boy? Oh what a craptastic child actor. ABC NEVER casts good child actors for the King films. Once again, refer to the Langoliers and that girl they picked to play the blind girl.

The boy's character also pissed me the hell off. Basically, God is showing his "will" through the boy in response to the evil entity which has taken over the town of Desperation. I'm sure this worked well in the book, but I got sick and tired of hearing this little bastard say "It's God's Will" every 5 goddamn minutes. I was hoping that It would be "God's Will" for the kid to fall down one of the town's mine shafts and die. Too bad that never happened.

Honestly though, this movie ends up being semi-enjoyable due to Ron Perlman and King's original writings. Perlman's character name is Collie Entragian and honestly, isn't that just a cool ass name? King has always been good at characterization and it shines with this character. Also, being one of the many who has read the epic which is the Dark Tower series, I picked up a few references to that which I'm glad they kept in the movie. King is notorius for somehow tying his Dark Tower series in almost every book he's written.

Although this film was somewhat interesting, I don't think I'd watch it again. If you have a few hours to kill, then by all means watch it, but don't be surprised when the child actor drives you insane with his constant God-speak.

All right, I'm done.

Go then, there are other worlds than these.

The X-Men Cometh

There may be minor spoilers in this, or major ones. I'm not sure because I haven't written the review yet. And really, it's less of a review than a rant on the idiocy of idiotic idiots.

So critics and X-Men fans alike have been bashing M-Men III. Does it deserve such harsh criticism?

Fuck no.

How about all of you anal-retentive, fat, donut-sucking, parent's basement living nerds shut the hell up already.

Sure, I think that X2 was better. Sure, I think X3 was too short. However, the criticisms these people are throwing out are absurd. Ratner is getting a lot of flack for his different directing style. Guess what? I really couldn't tell that it had a different director. People say that this movie focuses more on acton tha n character development. Yes, that would be bad if this had been the 1st film in the series, but this is the third film. We've already had 2 films that have set-up the major players. We already know their personalities, motivations, and character traits. We finally get to see the payoff of the X-Men in action, and in a lot of action at that. It's nice and refreshing, like Sprite.

Let's see, what else are these people bitching about? Oh yes, they think there are too many characters added. Really, only a few major characters are added and some of them have only minimal parts. Ratner didn't try to focus on every character which would have been a shitty thing to do.

These people also bitched that too many characters died. Have you mooks ever read the comics? You people bitch and bich that Ratner doesn't follow the comic, yet when people die, like in the comic, YOU STILL BITCH!

You people are complaining that certain characters have powers that they don't have in the comics. Would you rather have had Ratner add 10 more characters? Personally, I don't give a shit if Callisto has a few more powers than she does in the comic. What does it matter?? It doesn't affect the plot, and she's a minor character anyway. Sure, if Ratner had Cyclops shooting acid out of his tits I'd have a problem with it, but not Callisto.

The look of the characters is another rant. Juggernaut doesn't look like he does in the comics eh? I thought it was pretty much established in the first film that these characters have a drastically different look than in the comic. These characters are actually costumed to not look like freakin' idiots. Yeah, Juggernaut running around in a red suit of armor with his whole face concealed isn't going to work on film. Film is a different form of media than comic books so things have to be changed. If the costumes were comic accurate, we'd end up with an X-Men movie that looks like that Marvel Superheroes MasterCard ad that aired a year or two ago. Yeah, that looks real professional.

Ypu people are allowed to have as many complaints as you want, as long as the complaintes make sense. Yes, I have complaits about the film, but they're complaints that are legitimate, like the length of the film. If you haven't seen the film, go see it. If you have seen it already, then thank you for your patronige, and drink Sprite.

Alrighty, on to the DVD reviews for this coming Tuesday:

• Alf: Season Three - Yeah......I don't think I'll be spending my cash on this.
• Date Movie - I'd actually take a date to this film if I wanted to give her the impression that I hated her and had horrible taste.
  
• The Dukes of Hazard: The Complete Sixth Season - Hell No.
• Joey: The Complete First Season - I Hate NBC for this reason.
  
• The Kids in the Hall: Complete Season 4: Now this is some quality DVD material right here.
• Riddick Trilogy - Like anyone bought the Chronicles of Riddick when it first came out? Oh yeah, Samantha did. That bitch. Now, we're supposed to want to buy it along with Pitch Black and the animated Riddick movie? Fuct that. I'll stick with Pitch Black and the XBox game that kicks ass.
• Will & Grace: Series Finale - JUST DIE ALREADY!!! STOP MAKING THESE DVDS!!!

That it for DVDs this week. Pretty shitty I dare say. Honestly the DVD releases kinda blow until June 20th.

If I'm bored on Monday, i'll review a made for TV movie I saw last week, if not, I'll post here a week from now and you'll like it that way.

Perform your Civic Duties

I'm not talking about voting, or military service, or even jury duty. I'm talking about going to see X-Men 3 this coming Friday. It's been widely stated that this will be the last regular X-Men movie made. That is, unless it makes an assload of money at the box office, in which case, the money-grubbing whores at Fox will continue the series. Sure, they haven't confirmed or denied this, but let's face it, they like their money, and continuing a proven series is better than taking a chance on the next shitty idea some hack comes up with.

So go see it and bask in its mutanty goodness.

On to entertainment news: The CW network has apparently passed on the series Mercy Reef. Mercy Reef, if you didn't know, was the Smallville-ized version of Aquaman. Smallville fans are all pissing and moaning because this series wasn't picked up and from a leaked trailer, it appears as if this show would have been good. But it isn't good, and we all know it. Sure, Smallville has a large fan base, but personally, I think it's a rather shittty show. Mercy Reef wouldn't have been any better. Let's put it into perspective. The CW network is a merger between the WB and UPN networks, both of which pretty much sucked except for a few kick-ass cartoons on the WB. I can't even begin to list the shitty shows that were aired and were ultimately cancelled on these two networks. Even the shows that lasted are crap. 7th Heaven my ass, more like 7th Level of Hell. The WB picked up the show Reba, yet the CW passed on Mercy Reef. That has to tell you that Mercy Reef is worse than Reba. How that's possible, I'm not sure. No one can say that the CW admin passed on it simply because it's a "comic book" property. In fact, since comic book properties are in demand right now, you think that would have pushed them to put it on the primetime lineup. I mean, the WB aired Birds of Prey. Fucking Birds of Prey.

Stupid MotherFucker of the Week
Only the winner of this award would scream obscenities at a copy machine because it doesn't do exactly what he wants it to do. Only the Stupidest MoFo would perform this display of childish testosterone in a library. People come to a library to study? Balderdash! Why, it's not your fault the copier is spitting out 100 copies, I mean it's not like, in your ignorance, you actually told it to make 100 copies. So really, it's only fair that you have the right to yell at the copier in a quiet library. It's only right that you start slamming the copier around in a vain attempt to cease its mindless copying. You could have just gone quietly to the library staff and informed them of the problem, which could have been quickly and easily resolved, but you're too efficient to bother with that nonsense. Now, everyone who was in the library at that time knows that the copier is a fucking piece of shit, in fact, people who were out in the hall at the time probably know it too.

Well, I have some advice for you as well as the award. Grow the fuck up. You're a researcher in a medical institution so instead of acting reasonably, you throw a tantrum like a fucking 4 year old. I don't give a rat's ass how shitty your day was up until that point, because no excuse is good enough to allow your behavior. And as for the severe beating you gave the copier: It isn't your wife so knocking it around isn't going to make it cook you dinner faster or stop copying at your command. I'm sure your boss would love to get the repair bill had you actually broke the copier. You not only win the award this week, but you win my contempt. Congratulations.

DVD Releases
Like the bolded section header eh? I'm getting pretty good at this "typing" thing. This is also the Special Your Mom Edition of DVD Releases. See if you can spot the cleverly concealed mom jokes.

• The 4400: The Complete Second Season - I'd watch this, unfortunately I never saw the 1st season. If I'm correct, it's a documentary about your mom and how many people she's had sex with.
• BloodRayne (Unrated Director's Cut) - Another Uwe Boll classic! If I were given the chance to punch one Hollywood director in the face, this would be the guy I'd hit. Video game movies are bad enough without you making them even worse. Just stop. Please, just stop.
• The Boondock Saints (Unrated Special Edition) - This film has a pretty big cult following. I almost feel ashamed that I haven't seen it yet. It, like your mom, is on my to-watch list.
• Boston Legal: Season One - I've given my positive review of this show before and it's definately worth a rental if you have the time.
• Cheaper by the Dozen 2 - Like the 1st film needed a sequel. Don't bother ever seeing this film. I'll be generous and let you make the mom joke for this title since it has so many possibilities. Post the joke in the comments section please.
• Deadwood: The Complete Second Season - Once again, a show that has been praised that I've yet to see. I can't make a mom joke about Deadwood, but I can sure make a joke about you.
• Hollow Man 2 - What? More than 6 people liked the 1st one? Obviously, this is a direct-to-video title. Oh sweet, it stars Christian Slater! If that isn't a reason to see this film, I don't know what is.
• Kingdom of Heaven: 4-Disc Director's Cut - Four fuckin' discs for this film? That's a bit of an overkill if you ask me.
• Samurai Jack: Season 3 - Once again, a show I haven't seen. I feel so alone.
• TransAmerica - Wow, a film about a pre-operative male-to-female transsexual. Gee, I wonder how this film relates to your mother.
• Will & Grace: Series Finale - This show is finally over! Sure, it will always torment me through reruns, but there will never be another new episode of this piece-of-shit show ever again!
• WWE: Wrestlemania 22 - Your mom was originally scheduled to perform is this annual tradition, but unfortunately, she could couldn't get her weight down enough to qualify for the Heavyweight class.

That's it for now. Feel free to advertise both my blog and any of my sexual accomplishments on any bathroom stall you see fit. There should be space on the stall wall right next to your mom's phone number.

The return of your savior

Not Jesus Christ, but me. We all know Jesus Christ isn't real you silly fools! I have returned from my vacation and let me say, it sucks to be back.

This post may be a bit long for some of you with a short attention span. I will get to both the DVD reviews and a review of MI3 if you stick with me.

So, after going on my vacation and having to come back to Denver, I've realized how great Denver really is. Sure, it has its issues, but it's certainly no Nebraska. I do miss aspects of Nebraska, such as the friends I've left behind in the squallor, but it's really nice not being a hick anymore. And believe me, even with my education and upbringing, I was still partially a hick. Living in Denver, I don't hear the redneck analogies that I used to hear all of the time in Nebraska. Here's a list of analogies I've heard while in Nebraska:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's ass in a pepper patch."
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"I'm on it like a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat."
And one of my personal favorites: "He's moving faster'n a striped-ass ape with his balls on fire!"

As for that last one...COME ON! Now you're just making shit up! The rest kind of make sense, but really, the last one? First of all, what is a striped-ass ape and does it really move all that fast in the first place? Secondly, with its balls on fire, would this ape move fast or would it just stand there screaming while pounding his gonads with his fists in a vain attempt to put out the fire? I'll give credit where credit is due for the creative redneck analogies, but they have to at least make sense. Even though I've lost a lot of my hick-heritage, I can at least create some good analogies. Take this one for instance: "It's slicker'n a greased up pig in a wicker basket." You see, that's what makes a redneck analogy good, the repitition of fact. I could have just said that it's slicker than a greased up pig, and you would have gotten the idea that it's pretty damn slick, but I took the extra step and added the wicker basket part. Does it make a lot of sense? Well of course not, but no one hearing that statement would ever think that a greased up pig in a wicker basket wouldn't be slick.

Let's move on to someone who isn't very slick, for it's time for:
Stupid MotherFucker of the Week
This award goes to a woman who was in line in front of me at a Target in Kansas. She put her debit/credit card into the little keypad thing. This is how the transaction went down:

Checker: "If you don't want to run it as a debit card, tap Cancel, then tap Credit."
Stupid Bitch: "So I tap Credit now? Oh, so you'll just send me a bill for this?"
Checker: *Stunned silence*

It's a fucking bank card you ignorant slut. Sure, it's Kansas, but Kansas has had electricity and bank cards for at least 3 years now. Learn the basics you freakin' moron! This is why I'm glad I don't work retail anymore.

So yes it's movie review time. I saw Mission Impossible 3 the other night, or as the young hipsters call it: MI3. So, the question is: Is this film any good?

Well, the general feeling on the first two MI movies is that the first, while good, was a bit slow and confusing, while the second one was a piece of crap filled with unexplainably unperformable action scenes. MI3 is definately the best in the series, but like I said, that isn't saying much comparing it to its predacessors so we'll judge it on its own merits.

First of all, the director J.J. Abrams knows how to set up the tension and develop characters. He, unlike John Woo, doesn't need to fill the entire movie with explosions to entertain the audience. The television show Lost, which Abrams created and produces, isn't filled with a lot of gunshots or explosions, but when they do appear, they mean more because we truly care abut the characters and what happens to them due to good development. Abrams really can't develop Cruise's character very much, but he sets up the supporting characters as much as possible without slowing the film down.

As for the tension, Abrams starts it from the very beginning. The opening scene isn't an action packed intro to Ethan Hunt's character like we've seen before, instead it's a tense scene that lets you know how fucked Ethan Hunt is going to be as the film progresses.

The acting is pretty good. I still think Tom Cruise tries to be Tom Cruise a bit too much. I can't explain it any other way than that. It's not an unbelievable performance, but it could be better. As for Hoffman's performance as the main villian Owen Davian, Sweet Christman that Hoffman guy is good. He transforms what could be a third-rate villian into the guy that would beat you to death with a burlap sack full of puppies just by his protrayal of the character. A side note of trivia about the villian: Originally Kenneth Branagh was to be the villian but had to drop out due to other commitments. THANK FUCKING GOD. Hoffman makes the movie better with his acting where as Branagh would have just pissed me off with his "Oh look at me, I'm so damn good" attitude.

This film does have a problem or two. J.J. Abrams likes throwing plot twists into his shows. Watch Lost or Alias for many examples. The main plot twist is obvious from the start. If you're going to throw a plot twist at us, at least make it a bit less obvious. I didn't hear a single person in the audience make one of those "I'm so shocked" gasp that you can hear if you really listen in a crowded theater.

Overall, it was a darn good film. Another plus is that you don't have to watch the first 2 to watch this one. Each movie is its own self contained story.

Put on your funny hats because it's DVD time! Tomorrow's releases are:

• Con Air: Extended Unrated Edition - An entertaining film, but I've always been annoyed by Cage's stupid-ass accent that's completely unbelievable.
• Enemy of the State: Extended Unrated Edition - Once again, not a terribly bad film, but it has its problems. Chances are the extra footage won't amount to much.
• Napoleon Dynamite: Like, the Best Special Edition Ever! - So many people have told me that I need to see this film that I've rebelled against those tools and haven't watched it yet. Maybe it's good, and maybe it sucks, but when everyone tells me I "Need" to see it, I don't really feel like I "Need" to see it as much.
• The Producers (Widescreen) - I'm not too sure about this one. I like good theather as much as the next artsy-guy, but sometimes theater-to-film transfers end up feeling like just another attempt to make more money. Take Rent for example. I couldn't watch more than 20 minutes of that crap. Just pay your GodDamn rent and shut the fuck up.
• When a Stranger Calls - We've traced the shitty movie, and it's coming from inside this DVD! That was a forced joke, but face it, it was mildly funny.

That's it. I'm spent.