Sunday Drive

I was driving to work today, as I normally do since I can’t afford to pay anyone to drive me. The morning show that’s on when I’m headed to work made some sacrilegious joke about the 2nd coming of Jesus Christ. I laughed. After laughing, I got to thinking, if Jesus Christ really did return to Earth now, what would he drive?

He’d have to drive. It’s not like the good old days when you slap on a new pair of lamb-hide sandals and trot to wherever you’re headed. Jesus would definitely need a motor vehicle to get around these days. That is, unless Jesus Christ can also fly as well as walk on water. If that’s the case, then he obviously wouldn’t need a car.

Let’s assume that he can’t fly. Being that Jesus is the son of God, money really wouldn’t be an issue. Jesus could afford any vehicle that suits his needs. The Pope has his pimped-out , bullet-proof Popemobile, and he’s not near as rich as Jesus. Jesus has gots the Benjamins. What you have to ask is: What kind of factors would go into Jesus’ decision as he’s walking through the car dealer’s lot?

Is Jesus humble? If he is indeed still humble after all these years, he’d probably go for a Kia Spectra, or a similar small car with little to no leg room and a trunk large enough to comfortably fit a box of Handi-Wipes for when those pesky wrist stigmata start to seep. Of course, a small car like this would also be good on gas mileage, and if Jesus is humble, then he’d logically also be concerned about such things as the environment.

Maybe Jesus isn’t so humble anyone. Maybe he just wants to make a statement and bring attention to the fact that he’s back, and righteous like never before. In this case, He’d probably go with something big and flashy. Maybe a pearl white Cadillac Escalade with gold chrome accents? Oh, he’d be rollin’ in style then. Gas mileage really wouldn’t be an issue. I mean, if he can turn water into wine, then turning water into Premium Unleaded shouldn’t be a problem.

Maybe practicality is the issue. Maybe Jesus wants to do humanitarian works while here on Earth again, like building houses for the homeless, or driving little old ladies to the doctor’s office. A Ford F-150 would be perfect for him. The bed of an F-150 is perfect to toss building supplies, or little old ladies, into for hauling around where needed. Personally, he may want a truck just in case he’s made to carry a large cross up another steep hill before getting crucified on said cross. I mean, there’s no need to do more work than you have to. He’s learned from the past.

Maybe a four-wheeled vehicle is too much for him. Maybe a motorcycle would be best for J.C. He could grab a Harley, some leather chaps and a nice jacket, and be on his way to bless the masses in style. Of course, he’d want to buy a helmet too. Safety first. It would suck if Jesus took a spill and dashed his brains across 2 lanes of Interstate asphalt while on his way to rid an orphan of cancer.

No, I take that back. A motorcycle wouldn’t work for Jesus at all. If Jesus was confined to operate solely in Miami, Florida it wouldn’t be a problem, but the man is going to have to travel quite a lot. He’ll be driving all over the world in many different climates. A motorcycle just wouldn’t do Jesus justice in the middle of a Russian winter. He’ll never be driving in France or Mexico however, since God officially disowned those countries, and the people therein, about 14 years ago. New Mexico is still cool with God though, but just barely.

An ambulance might fit Jesus perfectly. Replace the large red cross with a regular cross, but leave the lights and sirens. Jesus would use those to quickly make his way to “spiritual emergencies” or to the Old Country Buffet on steak and shrimp night. An ambulance just screams “heal,” and by God, that’s what Jesus is all about.

Then again, Jesus does look like a hippie, so maybe he’d go with a Volkswagon mini-bus, or a full-size school bus for that matter. You see religious folk all the time driving around in an old school bus with crosses and pro-Jesus slogans slathered on the side. I don’t see this as the best choice for Jesus though. Sure, he may look like a hippie, but if Jesus taught us one thing, it’s that judging people is wrong, and stereotyping people based on appearance is judging. His life story also taught us that it’s cool to give a newborn baby incense from Ethiopia, so not everything transfers into modern-day life so well.

A motorcycle also wouldn’t work because, like the Pope, Jesus needs some protection. There would surely be some crazie out there who thinks it’d be a good idea to cap Christ. Now, Jesus could go to the same dealership that the Pope goes to and pick himself up a fancy golf cart, but I’m thinking that Jesus wants a little more speed than that.

Jesus could go with a sports car, complete with a spoiler made out of the same material that makes up those nasty paper-thin Communion wafers, but I don’t think J.C. would spend that much money simply for speed. Maybe after 40 or so good years without being nailed to a cross for the sins of mankind will give him a reason to splurge

My final vehicle idea would be a hearse. I mean, there is that whole “rising from the dead and resurrection” aspect to him. Plus, if he does happen to get nailed to a cross and speared in the chest again, he can drive himself to the cemetery.

Alright, it’s time for me to go to Hell now.