This is how I roll.

I drive quite a lot. To go to work, to look for toys, etc. So, it's no wonder that I see quite a lot of interesting things while I'm out on the roads.

Take yesterday for instance.

I've heard that it's quite dangerous to talk on a cell phone while driving. I'm sure that this is true, but even so, there are times where even I talk on the phone while driving. However, I saw someone yesterday that had that beat. I actually saw a woman behind the wheel of an SUV yesterday that was curling her hair. She actually had a curling iron and was curling her hair while driving. And, her stereo was cranked all the way up, so in addition to not being able to actually hold on to the steering wheel, she also wouldn't be able to hear someone scream ans she plows over them in her ignorance. A FUCKING CURLING IRON.

At the same stop light, there's a hobo, or at least a guy acting like one, walking down the sidewalk asking for help from the motorists waiting for the green light. Personally, I've had it with these damn beggars on the streetcorners. I don't fucking care if you're homeless anymore. With gas at $3.00 per gallon, I'm lucky to be able to afford sitting at a red light with my engine running, let along giving you money for your wonderful artistic abilites to make a sign with only a Sharpie and a sheet of cardboard. This hobo yesterday walked up to my window and said this:
"Anything helps sir. Even a prayer. God is in my heart, he sure is. Even a prayer helps."
To which I responded:
"I'm sorry, praying for bums goes against my religion."
Am I an asshole? Really, am I an asshole for no longer wanting to put up with their shit? Am I an asshole for wanting to keep the money I've earned? When I worked at Mervyn's, I donated a little bit out of each check to the Denver Homeless Assistance program, or some organization with a similar name and purpose. I agree that homelessness is a huge problem these days. But the money I donated went to things like soup kitchens and the like. How about you go to one of those for a meal you stupid vagrant? If you really REALLY want help, there are places to help you. The streetcorner isn't one of them.

Also, parking lots aren't one of them either. I can't even say how many times I've been walking through a parking lot at a Wal-Mart or Target and had someone walk up and ask for change. They always give some excuse like, "I ran out of gas," or "My car broke down." I don't give a shit. If I'm shopping at a Wal-Mart, do you really think I have a lot of spare money just laying around?

Also yesterday, I saw another man with a sign. Sometimes, signs have a purpose. Some stand on the streetcorners and give their views about abortion. Some rally for new things to vote on in upcoming elections. Some are just crazy mother fuckers who shouldn't be outside in public. This man yesterday seemed to be a rather unkempt, unshaven man. He was standing on a corner with a big wooden sign that read:
"Kerry throws like a girl"
What the fuck does that even mean?!!? If you'd been out with that sign during the last election about 2 years ago, it may have been relevant. But even then, I still don't see what the fuck that means! Not only is it irrelevant, but it's not that PC in today's society. I was hoping a militant feminist would be drving by, see that, and chuck a glass bottle at his head with Nolan Ryan-like speed. Had that happened, I would have parked my truck, and personally walked over to him to laugh at him.

This morning, on the way to work, I see a bumber sticker that reads:
"A Man and his Truck: It's a Beautiful Thing."
Too bad this bumber sticker was on a 1986 Dodge Caravan. Stupid ass.

You know what else I find completely fuckin' assanine? When I see a shitty car and a driver that takes way too much pride with his shitty car. A rusted-out 1984 Monte Carlo with 3 different colors of paint does not need those shiny spinning rims. A Ford AstroVan with no muffler and the back bumper wired on doesn't deserve neon ground effects.

Hell, since I'm on the subject, I might as well bitch about Mexicans, or latinos, or whatever they want to be called. I see these trucks driving around all the time. They've been lowered and pimped-out and across the back window is this fancy script that reads "Tiajauna" or "Chihauhua" or some other piss-poor region in Mexico that their family hails from. If you're so damn proud of that place, then go back there. You don't see me rollin' around with "Ireland" stencilled out on my back window. You don't see Russian people driving around with bumper stickers that read: "Moscow: Represent Bitches!"

If you have any wonderful driving observations, feel free to make note of them in the comments section.