Christmas can suck my tiny tiny penis

Christmas is a joyous time for all, unless you have your vehicle broken into 2 days before Christmas. I don't mind the shattered passenger side window so much. I don't even mind having my stereo system stolen so much. What really pisses me off to no end was having my CD collection stolen. I never really counted, but I probably had around 200 CDs in my collection that I started around 1995. How the fuck am I supposed to replace all of those? Honestly, what kind of mother fucker steals someone's shit 2 days before Christmas? I mean that's just fuckin' cruel. Even though I joke about violence quite alot, I generally never mean it, until now. Some might just forgive this theif, but I really truly hope that he or she dies or becomes grievously wounded in the near future. I don't often pray, but while in church last night during the prayers of the people, I quietly asked God for the theif to be eaten alive by a bear while hiking in the woods listening to my CDs on a walkman he stole from someone else.

Also, I'm quite tired of people telling me that I shouldn't have left my CDs in the car and I shouldn't have left the face on my CD player. Yes, I'll admit, I fucked up there, but I'm sick of people telling me that like it's my fault or something. I'm not the son of a bitch who broke a window and took shit that wasn't mine. I didn't make that choice or tell him to do it. I may have made it easier for the bastard, but in the end, leaving the stuff in my car isn't an excuse. So to everyone who has told me this, including my mother: Shut the hell up.

I mentioned church earlier, which is another reason why this Christmas season has been particularly crappy. I only go to make the rest of my family happy, and I only go on Christmas. I can't explain why I hate sitting in church so much. Maybe it's because I'm a early prototype of the Antichrist, but whatever the reason, church annoys me. This service last night annoyed me for several reasons, including these:

• The candlelighter - People devote all this time, money, and faith to devote their lives to living as God wants them to live. So, you'd think the acolyte who lights the candles would care enough to light the candles in the correct manner. I've had quite a number of devout Christians bash my beliefs, so it really just pisses me off when one of these people don't give a shit enough to perform the service right, yet I'm a heathen cause I don't regularly go to church. Damn hypocrites.
• The pastor - If this guy was a superhero, his name would be Captain Boredom: Defender of Monotony.
• The music - In all the years christianity has been an organized religion, you'd think someone would have been able to write a good hymn. The music really freakin' sucks. Attend a church service and pay attention to the music. Every hymn was written by a hack.
• The pews - I'm sure there's some complicated reason behind it, but why are all pews made to be as uncomfortable as possible? Yes, Jesus died on the cross for all of us, but why do the pews have to inflict the same pain upon us? Add to this the 1,673 times we have to stand up and sit down during a service, and when it's all said and done, my poor hunched back is about ready to snap in two. Unless I can take my recliner, I'm not going to church ever again.
• The collection plate - I watched this old woman drop a check for $50 into the collection plate. I understand that these people really believe in this religion, but $50 could provide a low-income family with a few meals, especially this time of year. Insted the money will be spent buying more bread and wine, or to buy a new goblet to serve said wine in. God really doesn't need your money, and the fact that religion asks for, and sometimes demands, these donations is one of the many reasons why religion disgusts me. This being said, some churches do try and help the community with their donations, but still, it's the principle of the matter.
• Repitition - An hour long church service is basically a way for people to say thanks to the lord and God as many times as possible in as many ways as they can. Yes, I fuckin' get it, you are thankful to God, but Jesus H. Christ people, say it once or twice and move on with it already.
• The sermon - Each church service contains the sermon right ater the Gospel reading where the pastor tries to relate the gospel lesson to our own lives, often with a touching story or humorous anecdote with a moral message. I think this is insanelty boring, especially when told by Captain Boredom. I'm convinced that there's a secret society that provides these sermons to all pastors and that if you were to go to numerous churches on any given Sunday, you'd hear the exact same sermon at each church, with minor changes made to reflect differences in denomination, of course. If you watch closely, you'd see a courier in a trenchcoat and dark sunglasses deliver a sealed envelope to the pastor an hour before service each Sunday in the bushes behind the rectory. If it was a Catholic church, you'd see the pastor deliver something to the choirboy's rectory in the bushes about an hour before that. I know, that was a cheap shot and probably expected, but what can I say, someone has to make the easy jokes.

And, a fan belt went out in my truck the day before it got broken into. Also, a large hole had to be cut into the celing of our bathroom so a plumbing repair could be made. This was last Tuesday mind you, and the guy said he'd be back the next day to close up the hole. The hole is still there. I've only been here at this new apartment a week and a half, and I'm already getting pissed because nothing can get done when we're told it will get done. We ordered our furniture 3 weeks ago and all we're waiting on is the couch and chair. They were supposed to call us when it came in because we were told it'd be in by Christmas. I called them yesterday and the slaesman Ed said the couch just came that morning but the chair had been in for a week. However, to be efficient, he didn't want to set-up a delivery time until the couch had arrived. Because he didn't schedule it ahead of time, the delivery people are booked until the 31st so we'll have to wat another week to get the furniture.

So, to all of you who may read this I say this: Merry Fucking Christmas. I can't say it's been horrible. My family and friends seem to be well and that's worth a lot, but with everything else that's going on and the mood I'm in, I'l be glad when this season of cheer is over.

Oh yeah, take a look at these DVDs that come out today and Tuesday and tell me this Christmas doesn't blow:

American Pie Presents: Band Camp (Unrated Widescreen) - JUST STOP IT. We don't need spin-offs of already shitty shows. Every movie studio is guilty of it, but this is just beyond stupid.

Dark Water (Unrated Version) - From the creater of The Ring comes another movie with a similar plot with a twist ending that will leave the audience gasping in horror over the realization that they paid to see the film.

Into the Blue (Widescreen) - Paul Walker AND Jessica Alba in a movie together?! This movie is what I've been waiting years for: A film with no plot AND horrible acting! YAY!!!!

SeaQuest DSV: Season One - A talking dolphin will certainly cheer me up. All kidding aside, this show wasn't too horrible, but I can't see them selling more than 4 copies of this.

America's Funniest Home Videos: Volume 2 - Just how many times can we see a fat guy get unexpectedly beaned in the scrotum by a football? Buy this and find out! Of course, if you buy this, someone should bean you in the scrotum with a football.

Speaking of football, I leave you with one of my only positive experiences in the last 3 days. My family and I went to eat at a fairly expensive Itallian restaurant called Maggiano's. I sit down and turn to my right to see Jake Plummer and Bradly VanPelt eating dinner. If you hate football, you wouldn't give a shit, but to a fan like myslef, sitting next to the qurterback and back-up quarterback for the Denver Broncos is kind of cool. Possibly my only brush with "celebrities" ever, unless you count that small "incident" with Angelina Jolie. Sure, she pepper sprayed me and told the cops I was "stalking" her, but she was just playing around. She told me via telephathy that she wanted me to hide under her bed with a camera while wearing a clown mask. It's not my fault that tease changed her mind at the last minute.