Wow, just wow.

Usually I don't talk about stupid things like celebrity news, usually.

I thought the Spears family couldn't go any lower after the escapades of Britney over the last few months. However, her 16 year old sister is now pregnant.

16. Is anyone in that family not a whore?

Seriously, these girls, no matter how much money they have, are no different than the girls who lived down the street in a trailer park in my hometown. That family had 2 stupid ass girls too, and one of them was a pregnant 16 year old.

Did I really miss out?

Last night, I had a chance to ge see a free advance screening of the new film Sweeny Todd. I chose not to go, partially because I took the day off sick and didn't feel up to it, but also because I don't give a shit.

Wow, a Tim Burton film starring Johnny Depp? That's something that the filmgoing public has yet to see! Give me a fucking break. Tim Burton must look at every role that needs to be cast in his films and say, "Johnny Depp would be great in all of these roles. He doesn't really fit this part, but I'll make sure it's rewritten so that he does fit!"

Yes, this film has really good reviews, but I'm just getting tired of watching Tim Burton films that feel like Tim Burton films. Seriously dude, try something new. Maybe go a different direction with your next film and show everyone that you're not just some hack who keeps doing the same goddamn thing over and over because you don't know how to make any other type of film.

So no, I don't regret my decision last night. I don't think I missed the next big revolution in filmmaking.

I've Neglected You, and I'm Sorry

I know I've been absent for a while. Nothing horrible happened to me, I'm just a lazy fuck.

First of all, the wedding date is set. July 12th of 2008. We always thought it would be July 12th, but we hadn't actually done what we needed to do to confirm it until a week ago.

Secondly, I'd like to take a minute to talk about the tragedy in Omaha last week. Specifically, I'd like to say a word or two about the guy that did the shooting. It's one thing to commit suicide, I mean it's his choice to end his life or not, but that's not what he did. Instead, he made the decision for 8 other people. Instead of just ending his pathetic life, he felt that taking people with him was the best thing to do. You know why he did this? I know. He did this because it wasn't about killing himself. It was never about killing himself. What is was about is a fucked-up piece of shit who wanted others to hurt. Killing himself was just a way to ensure that he didn't have to own up to what he did. It was a way for him to bypass the consequences and responsibility that everyone else has to deal with. It isn't the P.C. thing to say, but that guy was a worthless bastard and I'm glad he's dead.

Now, I transition to Oprah. She has nothing to do with the previous paragraph, so don't assume that I would also like to see Oprah dead. She's powerful enough to monitor my internet usage, and if she thinks I want her dead, she'll take me out first. What I don't agree with is her very obvious backing of Barack Obama. I guess her power and influence is why I don't like the situation. You see, when it comes to popular people in the media, there are a number of people who take their opinions to seriously. People who, despite facts or other conflicting opinions, will blindly take the advice and run with it. To me, Oprah openly backing a presidential candidate is like a news anchor openly backing a candidate: it just shouldn't be done. Like a news anchor, she should keep her political views out of her broadcasts. People should look at all the facts before voting, but I can assure you that her opinion will cause a number of women to vote for Obama, whether they agree with him or not. I say women not to be sexist, but Oprah's primary audience is women, that's just a fact. Maybe I'm being too goddamn bitchy, but I think Oprah should leave the political endorsements to political experts and allow people to make up their own minds.

Something else that I've recently grown more aware of is the state of healthcare in the U.S. I keep hearing politicians talk of universal healthcare and the problems with the current systems, and until a month ago, I really didn't take much notice of it. However, now I see what everyone is making a fuss over. I went to the emergency room about a month ago because I was having quite the painful ordeal with a tooth of mine that has been cracked for many a year. I'm too damn stupid to actually get it taken care of by a dentist. Because of this tooth, my gums and cheek on my left side really started to swell up and it hurt like a bitch. I actually have a pretty high pain tolerance, so for me to go to the hospital says a lot. I was at there for an hour, most of the time was spent waiting. When the doctor did treat me, all he did was lance the swollen area, drain the puss and blood by squeezing my cheek a few times, and write me perscriptions for antibiotics and painkillers.

I wouldn't have gone to the hospital had I not had health insurance, like many Americans don't have. Well, I got the bill last week from the hospital. It turns out that for the 10 minutes or so I was being treated, I owe the hospital $485. 485 fucking dollars to get poked in the gums? WHAT THE FUCK? Had I not had insurance, it would have cost near $1000. Keep in mind, I have insurance, a job, and no dependents to care for. If I wasn't financially stable, I couldn't pay for this treatment. To me, being charged this much for so little is damn near illegal. If not illegal, than most certainly horribly immoral. It isn't like there is only 1 hospital to care for all of Denver. It wasn't like the emergency room was full of people. It's simply the hospital charging as much as they want for services you can't possibly turn down without possible deadly consequences.

On the other hand, I went to the dentist yesterday and had that tooth, and another one removed. The dentist literally spent over an hour and a half performing what amounts to surgery on me. You know what that surgery cost me with my insurance? $38. Thirty eight dollars for surgery at the dentist while the hospital wants damn near $500 for a 10 second stabbing. So, I guess what I'm saying is tht I understand now. I get why people are upset at the state of healthcare in the U.S. And, I truly feel sorry for all those people out there who put off going to hospitals because they know they can't do that and pay the rent at the same time. I feel sorry for the people who do go to the hospital with their sick child not knowing if they'll be able to feed their child after the bill comes. I can't believe that, in this country where everything is supposed to be so damn great, this is acceptable.

I'm done complaining now, I really am. I'd actually like to give my thoughts about the film I saw yesterday: The Golden Compass. Normallt, I try to avoid fantasy films marketed to children, or any film marketed to children, but I decided to give this one a shot. Part of this decision was the film's rating of PG-13, instead of the vomit-induced G rating that is given to most children's films. The Golden Compass is rated PG-13 for a reason. Even though it certainly wasn't too "cutesy" or anything, I did find myself wondering why it had the PG-13 rating, at least up until a scene about halfway in that surprised me a bit with its brutality.

But, did I like the film? Yes actually, I did, and for a few reasons. First of all, I was dreading that this film would be another "kid sucked into a fantasy world where everything is new and strange" type of film. Keep in mind, I've never read these books so I had no idea what to expect. It turns out that the main character lives in this fantasy world, so that pleased me greatly. Secondly, and more importantly, was that the film didn't beat us over the head with this fantasy world. Yes, the world was indeed strange and otherworldly, but there weren't any "Hey look at this, isn't this so strange and cool? I bet you didn't expect to see this!" moments. The filmmakers didn't showcase this world for us. They simply treated it as if we were already accustomed to this reality.

No, the film wasn't perfect, and I can name a number of things that could have been done better, but I came out of the theater thinking that I had seen a fairly good film, not that I had just seen a fairly good children's film. And honestly, the film isn't intended for young children, and I think a lot of parents might make that mistake. Sure, it will be their fault for not paying attention to the PG-13 rating, but you know as well as I do, they'll bitch and moan that they were misled and blah blah blah.

I'll end with a few DVD recommendations:

Futurama: Bender's Big Score came out about 2 weeks ago. What sucks is that most places are selling it for $20. I can buy a season of Futurama for 20 bucks, so a single Futurama film for the same price seems like we're being raped ever so slightly. However, it's a funny film and I suggest buying it to support Futurama and by doing so, let Fox know that canceling it was a dumb ass idea.

Live Free or Die Hard also came out a few weeks back. If you're going to watch it, make sure you watch the Unrated version.

The last Pirates of the Caribbean film was released last Tuesday. It's a damn fine film despite what others may tell you.

Battlestar Galactica: Razor is in stores now. If you haven't seen any of this series now, just wait and watch it all on DVD in its entirety when the 4th, and final, season hits DVD sometime in the next 2 years.

Speaking of Battlestar Galactica, on December 26th, Battlestar Galactica 1980 is released. Do not buy this. If you buy this, I will pay someone to shank you with a sharpened toothbrush handle. All I have to say is: Cylons on motorbikes. Seriously, big robots on choppers.

It's 3 a.m. and I'm going to bed.

I gone done Gradumakated!

I have my Master's Degree now. Finally. For once, I'm done with school and NOT looking towards more schooling. People have told me I should go on for a doctorate's degree, but fuck that I say. Sure, I'd like to be called Dr. Crow, but I'd also like to be called Ruler of the Universe. I doubt either will ever happen.

It was a good weekend. I had a nice little BBQ at my apartment, watched the Bourne Ultimatum, and relaxed a bit, which has been quite difficult to do lately. I also did some clothes shopping. The woman who was my field mentor/boss at my internship site gave me a gift card to Macy's on Wednesday. A $100 gift card. Now that's generous right there. I was expecting the gift card to be no more than $25. 25 seems to be the standard gift card amount nowadays. Another friend if mine gave me a Wii game as a gift. That was pretty damn cool too. Personally, I didn't expect anyone to givce me jackshit for my graduation. It's not like I got married or anything stupid like that.

However, if anyone else wants to give me gifts, I will continue to accept them. It would be rude not to.

Lackluster Video

I used to like Blockbuster, I really did. For a time, I could go into a Blockbuster to rent a movie, and also pick up a cool action figure or a pack of trading cards. Well, they got rid of the toys and trading cards quite some time ago. And, as of yesterday, it seems as though they’ve gotten rid of their movies too.

You see, Blockbuster also used to have this “guaranteed in stock” policy that, as the title suggests, means the chances of getting the new movie you wanted was pretty good. They don’t have this feature anymore, so going to Blockbuster yesterday was an effort resulting only in futility and rage. EVERY copy of EVERY movie I wanted to see was rented. Every time I saw an empty shelf, I thought about other movies I may want to see, and lo and behold, those too were gone. After 10 minutes of this, I was ready to dash someone’s brains upon the carpet.

I understand the whole concept of supply and demand, but what good is a store that can’t supply ANYTHING I’m looking for? I wouldn’t shop at a grocery store that was sold out of every food item I was looking for.

To give you some perspective on how bad the rental situation was, I noticed someone had rented Highlander 2: The Quickening. When you have to resort to renting that because everything else is gone, you know the store blows.

And one more thing: Blockbuster claims that they have “No late fees.” That’s odd, because when we went to rent the 2 films we finally chose, they said we owed $6 for movies we previously rented. They claimed they were “restocking fees.” First of all, they were late by no more than a week. And second, a restocking fee IS a late fee. We were charged a FEE because we returned the films LATEr than we were supposed to. It doesn’t matter what the fuck you call it, it’s still a motherfucking late fee and it pisses me the hell off.

So, fuck them. I’m not going back to their store, and I won’t use their online service either. Not that I was planning on it anyway, but now I certainly won’t. I’ll Netflix or, God forbid, RedBox my movies before I go back to their den of filth.

I have no idea how to respond

So I leave the apartment to go to work this morning. Before hopping in the Cavalier, I wander over to my truck to see if I left my work badge in it. Mind you, the passenger window on the truck is still broken out, so anyone can fuck with it if they want to.

I see a loaf of bread on my passenger seat.

Someone put a loaf of sliced bread in my truck. I haven't bought bread in over a month, so it wasn't me. Sam hasn't gone to the store in quite a while, and certainly not in my truck, so it wasn't her.

I just don't know what to say.

AMC

The cable channel, not the auto maker who gave us the Pacer.

Although both suck, I hate the cable channel just a little bit more tonight. Do you know what AMC stands for? It stands for American Movie Classics.
American Movie CLASSICS. Not just American Movies, American Movie CLASSICS. Of all the movies that they could be showing, do you know what they're showing as I'm flipping through the channels now?

Catwoman.

WHAT

THE

FUCK?

NEW BLOG!!! AHHH!!!

So I haven’t done this whole “blog” thing in quite some time. Truthfully, I’ve been quite busy, and also, I haven’t really had anything important happen to me that warrants blogging about. I do have a few things I’d like to bitch about today however.

First, I’m sure you’ve all seen, or read, the news stories about the Seven New Wonders of the World list that was released. What I have to say about it is quite simple: The list sucks. The list sucks for one major reason: The whole list is nothing more than buildings, or structures of some kind.

So, in order for something to be a man-made wonder, it has to be a building or a structure? So, the Christ Redeemer Statue in Brazil is more of a wonder than, let’s say, the Internet, or fucking Penicillin?! The Internet has literally changed the world is almost every way, including communication and finance. Penicillin has saved countless lives since it was discovered in the early 20^th century. Yet, these things aren’t buildings, so they can’t be considered for the 7 Wonders list.

I can think of discovery after discovery that could be considered an amazing wonder. Space flight and the Human Genome Project are two I can think of off the top of my head that are scientific in nature. What about structures that actually serve a purpose, like the system of dikes that keep half of the Netherlands from being flooded by the North Sea?

The writings of Shakespeare? Nope, not a building, so sorry.

The next thing on my agenda of bitching is this little news story I read the other day:

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/nationworld/bal-te.naacp10jul10001518,0,2135190.story?coll=bal-home-headlines

So members of the NAACP want to take the word Nigger “out of their minds” by holding a mock burial for it? What the fuck?! I guess there’s nothing like burying your head in the god damn sand and pretending it isn’t an issue anymore. The Michigan Gov. had this to say about it: "Let's say good riddance to this vestige of slavery and racism, and say hello to a society that embraces all its people,"

So holding a dumb-ass mock burial for a word is going to be some amazing event that will herald a new, better society where everyone loves everyone and free puppies are to be had by all? Well, at least you dumbshits are optimistic. This isn’t going to stop people from using the word. It isn’t going to stop hate. And it sure isn’t going to erase history.

As you can read in the story, the Chairman of the NAACP added this: "This is not an acceptable term for anyone to use," he said. "We need to make sure that no one denigrates people no matter who they are. We need to protect the denigration of our people by our people." Why the fuck isn’t it acceptable? Sure, it may not be the nicest word, but it’s a part of history, and there is a little thing called freedom of speech. If a KKK member in his big white pointy hat wants to scream about how niggers are polutin’ this countries’ gene pool, then he has every god damn right to say it, no matter how wrong he may be, no matter how stupid he sounds saying it. If a black man calls another black man “nigger” as a term of friendship, then how is that wrong? If neither are offended, then what the hell is the problem?

I’d sure like to never hear the phrase “Sean Crow has a really small dick” ever again, but burying it won’t stop people from saying it, and repeating it, and laughing at me while I quietly sob to myself.

My last order of bitching has to do with a local story here in the Denver area. A woman is flying the United States flag upside down in a silent protest to the war. Her Home Owners Association is telling her she must take it down or fly it correctly, otherwise she’ll be fined quite a lot of money. Obviously her HOA hasn’t heard of Freedom of Speech either, much like the NAACP. Maybe they’ve heard of it, but just don’t realize how god damn important it is.

There are many shitty arguments I’ve heard against this woman’s silent protest, and this is perhaps the worst one, that I’ve heard at least 3 people, all former soldiers, say:

“It’s disrespectful because I fought for that flag.”

Newsflash: If you fought for the flag, then you fought for the wrong god damn thing. Did we decide to go to war in 1941 because the Japanese bombed our flags at Pearl Harbor? Did we go to war in Iraq because Saddam Hussein had one of our flags on his desk and was poking it with a stick? FUCK NO. We go to war to protect (and in some cases, spread) the beliefs and values that are the foundation for this country. The flag is a fucking piece of cloth that identifies an area of land as belonging to the United States.

I worked with an old Vietnam vet once, and although he hated the idea of people burning the flag, he told me that he went to war and fought to protect the rights of the people, and that burning the flag was one of those rights. Even he, who watched friends die next to him, isn't so damn jaded as to think the flag itself is the living embodiment of the country as a whole.

“Dissent is the highest form of Patriotism” is a quote often misattributed to Thomas Jefferson. However, the idea is still true. This woman’s choice to fly the flag upside down is her way of protesting, and no matter if it’s viewed favorably or not, protest and dissent was viewed as a necessary function, as Thomas Jefferson DID once say:

“The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions, that I wish it to be always kept alive. It will often be exercised when wrong, but better so than not to be exercised at all. I like a little rebellion now and then.”

I guess this particular HOA association doesn’t realize that it’s operating here in the United States and not a fascist society where hanging a flag upside down would be illegal. And, if you really want to get technical about disrespecting the U.S. flag, what about the guys you see at the swimming pools wearing U.S. flag designed Speedos? I think wrapping up your junk in the American flag is way more disrespectful than a peaceful, quiet protest.

Stupid fuckers the lot of ‘em, I tell you.

Real crap, not simulated.

Well, I’m damn near speechless. It seems as though the brilliant sons of bitches at 20th Century Fox have secured the film rights to the videogame The Sims.

That’s right, you’ve just read a sentence containing one of the dumbest ideas ever proposed by a bunch of idiots in Hollywood, no, the world. You can never get that time back, never.

You know what happens when you put a plot into a game like The Sims and make a movie out of it? Shit, I don’t know, but the result can’t be good. What are they going to do to top this amazing blockbuster? I have some game-inspired film ideas along with trailer dialog the studios may want to look into. Narrator Movie-Voice Guy lines are in bold.

Dig Dug: To Hell and Back

All Dig Dug Wanted to do was dig in the dirt
“I’m going to dig farther than anyone’s ever dreamed of!”
Until one day, he dug too deep, and unleashed an unimaginable evil
“They’re everywhere Dig Dug! Help!”
Now, all Dig Dug wants to do, is unearth an asskicking
“I have to finish this!”
He’s traded in his shovel for a shotgun,
“They’re all around you!”
And he won’t stop until the threat is buried
“DIRT NAPS FOR EVERYONE!”
Dig Dug: To Hell and Back
Tunneling your way June 20th

Frogger: The Return

“We can rebuild him, we have the technology!”
The frog is coming back, and this time, traffic doesn’t stand a chance
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?? WHAT KIND OF TWISTED S.O.B. WOULD GIVE
A CYBORG FROG A JET PACK AND MISSLE LAUNCHER?!”
This summer, the road kill hits back
“Oh my God, what is that?”
One Frog
“We have to find a way to stop him before it’s too late!”
One Mission
“He’s coming back around!”
One Hundred Ways To Kill
“He’s taken out the bridge!”
Revenge is a dish best served with frog legs
“We’ve only got one shot at this!”
Frogger: The Return
In Theatres Everywhere August 2nd

There’s only so much joke-making I can do before I wear myself out. I have to go take a nap now.

The biggest blog in the world

This will be a HUGE blog since I haven’t posted in a while.

I’ll start off with a serious matter:

Angelina Jolie is reportedly in Vietnam to adopt a child. Don’t get me wrong; adopting a child is a wonderful thing to do. What I find troublesome is that Angelina Jolie apparently didn’t take the time to consider adopting a child here in the United States. Sure, there are a lot more children that need homes outside of the U.S. than inside, but from what I can deduce, there are at least 500,000 foster children in the U.S. that need homes. In 2005, 22,728 foreign-born children were adopted and entered the U.S. Like I said, that’s commendable, but there are at least 22,000 children here in this country that go to bed each and every night praying to have a home and a family. Angelina doesn’t have to go to Vietnam to adopt. Chances are, she didn’t even have to leave her city of residence.

I do understand that adoptions here in the States have some issues. The mother can basically change her mind anytime in the first 2 years of the adoption. It’d suck to adopt, and then have the child taken away after a few years. Also, the mother is now given rights and the means to find her child again really whenever she wants. Oh, she was a crack-whore when she gave away her child, but now she wants to be the kid’s mother 13 years later? So yes, I can see where folks, and specifically people in the public spotlight,

Madonna recently did the same damn thing; it just wasn’t Vietnam in her case. I guess adopting a foreign kid is the new hip thing to do. Instead of toting around a pocket poodle in your handbag, you can tote around an Asian tot. The pocket poodle thing is sooo last week.

Or you can get a Vietnamese kid and a pocket poodle, and your new child can learn to cook his native cuisine.

HA! That was both funny and inappropriate!

Here in Colorado, you can choose from at least 60 different license plate styles for your car. I shit you not, at least 60. You can get a special plate if you’ve adopted a Greyhound dog for shit’s sake. I think it’s comical that I saw a woman driving around with a “Find a Cure” for breast cancer license plate, yet she was sucking on a cigarette. Breast cancer needs a cure now, but lung cancer can fucking wait. She may be hacking up blood in 10 years, but she’ll be damned if she does it with only one tit.

I’m sure you’ve encountered the idiot college frat guy who, when speaking to you, always calls you “bro.” Maybe you know that guy who wears jeans that are too damn tight, a cowboy hat, and insists on calling you “Pardner.” Could the bane of your existence be the southern gal at the diner who always calls you “Sugar” regardless of your physical appearance, financial status, or even gender? Personally, I HATE it when people do this. I have a name and, while I’m at work, it’s even boldly displayed on my work badge. There’s a new patient here who frequents the library who insists on not learning my real name. While in the cafeteria, he says to me, “Hey do ya mind passing the pepper this way, Chief?” In the library, it’s, “Thanks a lot for the help Chief.” Listen up Sport, my name is Sean. Unless you’re present when I dance around my apartment in my boxers with my feathered headdress and Pawnee war club, you’ve got no basis for calling me Chief.

Are these terms supposed to be clever, or endearing in some way? Am I your friend now because you called me Chief? If so, that’s awesome! I’ll go home, pop a few brews in the fridge, throw some of them lil’ smoked barbecue weenies in the crock pot and I’ll await your arrival so we can jam to Manhattan Transfer.

Manhattan Transfer, get it? Manhattan was a tribe of Indians. I’m so God Damn clever.

Now to television:

First, I noticed in a commercial for WWE Wrestling that Donald Trump is playing a part in a current storyline. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Donald recently call Rosie O’Donnell “trashy,” and a few other names? I’m sorry Donald, but you have no reason to call someone else white trash when you’re on pro wrestling. I’m not saying that pro wrestling is just for white trash, I’ve watched it on occasion, I used to watch it a lot in college, and I know someone that’s worked for WWE. However, one has to admit that the white trash stereotype is solidly affixed to wrestling and appearing in it makes what Donald said seem quite hypocritical. Donald is just a whiny bitch. So is Rosie, but she isn’t on WWE at the moment. Although, she is quite mannish and would probably do well there screaming obscenities and pile driving opponents to the matt.

Oh, I’ve got the perfect WWE on-stage name for Rosie O’Donnell: Rosie the Riveter. She’s come out in flannel and steel-toed work boots with a rivet gun over her shoulder.

Secondly, the fiancée was watching television the other night. She turned it to the movie Resident Evil 2. What made me do a double take was the channel it was on. Resident Evil 2, a video game based film with lots of gore, violence, and shitty dialogue was being shown by the Oxygen Network. What the hell?! The Oxygen Network, if you aren’t familiar with it, was formed in part by Oprah. It’s a network aimed towards young women. They show reruns of Ellen and Mad About You and show their own programs such as The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency. Showing Resident Evil 2 on the Oxygen Network is like showing mother fucking Commando on the Lifetime Network. What was even funnier about it were the commercial breaks. They had commercials for Tickle Me Elmos. The Oxygen Network should learn about a little thing called demographics and target audience. This is almost as bad as the Sci-Fi Network showing ECW wrestling on Tuesday nights. Yeah, like the same guys who watch Stargate are really the type of guys that like wrestling. Most of the guys who watch Stargate have only ever wrestled jelly donuts or D&D dice from their morbidly obese friends.

I’m really not trying to bash wrestling, but it just keeps coming up.

Lastly, 24. I can’t be the only person who thinks this show is getting really freakin’ pointless. All the terrorists have to do next season to defeat Jack Bauer is make sure the crises lasts 25 hours, and then we’re all fucked.

Two nights ago, I saw The Road Warrior in a theater. Oh yes, you heard me right. A United Artist theater here in Denver plays old movies every Wednesday night. I didn’t know about this until my buddy Shanecho asked me if I wanted to see The Road Warrior. Hell yeah I did! Other than my fiancée Samantha, who would be dumb enough to pass up that opportunity? What really topped off the night was the replica V8 Interceptor sitting outside the theater. I didn’t have a camera with me, but it looked exactly like this one:

An actual Ford Falcon all Mad Max’ed out. I so wanted to hop in and haul ass down I-25 with the windows down screaming maniacally. The “placard”, as Shane called it, stated that the replica Interceptor can pretty easily hit 160 m.p.h., or 257 k.p.h. if you’re one of those Metric System bastards.

The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead, and that's the way I likes it!

Tell me what episode of The Simpsons that quote is in, and you will win a 100 count box of #1 size paperclips. This way, when you type out and print all the useless crap you’ve learned while living in your mom’s basement, you’ll have a much easier time organizing it into managable piles.

So I think I’ve cursed myself musically. Last week, while chatting with someone online, I joked about the 80’s band, Men Without Hats. In the last two days, while scanning through the radio, I’ve happened upon The Safety Dance twice. Before 2 days ago, I hadn’t heard The Safety Dance twice in the last 2 years. I crack jokes about Neil Diamond all the time too, and after turning it away from The Safety Dance in disgust this morning, my radio magically finds the song Cherry, Cherry. Later in the day, while getting some groceries at Albertson's, I heard Sweet Caroline. I made a humorous wisecrack about Falco last week. I wonder when that one’s gonna come back to bite me on the ass.

In interesting side note. Did you know that Neil Diamond has a song named: Crunchy Granola Suite? I’ve heard that there was a written, but unrecorded, sequel to this song titled: Fiber Makes me Shit Better.

Maybe you didn’t find that last joke humorous, but just picture this guy standing on stage belting out those lyrics and you’ll laugh too.

I bought Casino Royale on DVD yesterday. Damn, that’s one fine film right there. Even if you’ve hated all the previous Bond films, this one is worth watching, because it’s different than all other Bond films. It’s better than all other Bond films. There are folks out there that argue constantly on who has been the better Bond. Most say Connery, while others say Moore or Brosnan. There are even a few who like Dalton and Lazenby, but Craig would kick all their asses, rope their bodies together as a makeshift raft, and sail to Afghanistan to hunt down Osama with his bare hands. What I’m trying to say is, go watch Casino Royale. You won’t be disappointed.

Yes, I am indeed aware that Afghanistan is a landlocked country, but I was on a roll there, what else was I to do?

Another side note: Did you know that Afghanistan translates to: Land of Afghans? Well, it does. Real clever name they got isn’t it? I wonder how many other ideas they threw away before they decided on that gem. I guess the United States isn’t all that clever either.

“Well Bill, this is a bunch of separate states united together to form a union, what should we call it? I’d like the name to convey that this country is both united yet formed of individual states.”

“Uh, I was thinking: United States.”

“Hmmm. I like it Bill. I like it a lot. Let’s go with it. Now, what should we call this State here that’s sitting directly south of North Carolina? That sonofabitch has me stumped.”

I’ll end this blog with speak of Hollywood sequels and remakes.

First, I heard that Cabin Fever 2 is either filming now or will film soon. I know I say a lot of movies are bad, but Cabin Fever was truly one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Any actor with a shred of self-respect wouldn’t be in a crap sequel like this.

The Hills Have Eyes 2 is coming out very soon. I’m guessing that, if the hills indeed had eyes, they would gouge them out before watching this film.

Do any of you remember the 1978 horror/comedy film called Piranha? Or, perhaps you’ve seen 1981’s Piranha 2: The Spawning, directed by none other than James Cameron. Well, Dimension Films, the bright folks they are, have decided to re-make Piranha. It will be directed by the French filmmaker Alexandre Aja, who last directed The Hills Have Eyes. Do you see how the circle of filth comes back around? Aja says he wants to pay homage to all the "creature films that made me fall in love with the genre." Usually when someone says they want to pay homage, it usually just means they’re going to rip off every idea they can and then whenever someone calls them on it, they say it isn’t a rip-off, but a “homage.”

The last re-make I’ll mention is one I’m actually looking forward to. New Line Cinema has won the rights to Escape from New York. Gerald Butler will play Snake Plissken this time around. The original Escape from New York was actually a pretty shitty film. The sequel, Escape from L.A. was even shittier. I always liked the premise of the films though, and to see Escape from New York done well could really be pretty damn sweet.