Real crap, not simulated.

Well, I’m damn near speechless. It seems as though the brilliant sons of bitches at 20th Century Fox have secured the film rights to the videogame The Sims.

That’s right, you’ve just read a sentence containing one of the dumbest ideas ever proposed by a bunch of idiots in Hollywood, no, the world. You can never get that time back, never.

You know what happens when you put a plot into a game like The Sims and make a movie out of it? Shit, I don’t know, but the result can’t be good. What are they going to do to top this amazing blockbuster? I have some game-inspired film ideas along with trailer dialog the studios may want to look into. Narrator Movie-Voice Guy lines are in bold.

Dig Dug: To Hell and Back

All Dig Dug Wanted to do was dig in the dirt
“I’m going to dig farther than anyone’s ever dreamed of!”
Until one day, he dug too deep, and unleashed an unimaginable evil
“They’re everywhere Dig Dug! Help!”
Now, all Dig Dug wants to do, is unearth an asskicking
“I have to finish this!”
He’s traded in his shovel for a shotgun,
“They’re all around you!”
And he won’t stop until the threat is buried
“DIRT NAPS FOR EVERYONE!”
Dig Dug: To Hell and Back
Tunneling your way June 20th

Frogger: The Return

“We can rebuild him, we have the technology!”
The frog is coming back, and this time, traffic doesn’t stand a chance
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?? WHAT KIND OF TWISTED S.O.B. WOULD GIVE
A CYBORG FROG A JET PACK AND MISSLE LAUNCHER?!”
This summer, the road kill hits back
“Oh my God, what is that?”
One Frog
“We have to find a way to stop him before it’s too late!”
One Mission
“He’s coming back around!”
One Hundred Ways To Kill
“He’s taken out the bridge!”
Revenge is a dish best served with frog legs
“We’ve only got one shot at this!”
Frogger: The Return
In Theatres Everywhere August 2nd

There’s only so much joke-making I can do before I wear myself out. I have to go take a nap now.