Let's try this again.

I was going to post on Monday, as I normally do, but this site locked up when I hit the "publish" button after spending 30 minutes typing. My whole post was lost as was my patience for this blasted site. Of course, now I can't really remember what I was typing about on Monday anyway, so this could either be a much better, or a much worse post. You'll never know.

I talk about movies on this site quite often, because between that and toys, I know very little. Now, I know more than most of my friends, but I attribute that to their lack of ambition and inability to read. I'd draw you all characatures narrating my entries, however I can draw about as well as a can weave a Navajo basket out of reeds. So, in the theme of movies, I'd like to say a bit about a new release coming out tomorrow.

Miami Vice. Now before you bash this film, take not that Michael Mann is directing this. I feel that he's one of the best directors around right now. He's the writer and director of the classic as film Heat, and he's directed The Last of the Mohicans, The Insider, and one of my all time faveorite films, Collateral. The visual style Mann uses in Collateral is simply stunning. If you haven't yet seen Collateral, I reccomend highly that you rent it, or buy it. It won't be money wasted. Yeah, I've heard people say that they won't see Collateral because Tom Cruise is in it and they hate Tom Cruise. Yeah, Mr. Cruise may be a freak, but that doesn't mean you should shun him as an actor, especially when the overall product is amazing. These same people said the same things when War of the Worlds and MI-3 were released. Sure, War of the Worlds sucked, but it wasn't due to Tom Cruise, and MI-3 was pretty darn good. However, I've stopped talking about Miami Vice, so I'll move back to that topic.

Miami Vice looks dark, gritty, and hardcore. All the things a movie of this type should be. No flashy scenes or stupid-ass jokes like the Bad Boy movies have. Sure those movies aren't horrible, but they're not even close to being equal with a Michael Mann film. Also, the cheesiness that the original series had is now gone, replaced by solid characters and visuals that immerse you in the seedy underbelly of Miami. What, did you think I was going to say Detroit? Also, I've always wanted to use the term "seedy underbelly" in a sentence. It isn't just the visual style that makes me want to see this film. I also want to see Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx has won an Oscar and Colin Farrell hopefully will at some point in the future, for I think he's that good.

Forget the trailers that you've seen that may make this movie look uncertain. Take my word for it: This movie is going to kick ass. I'll get off my freakin' soapbox now.

Well I honestly don't have much else to say right now, so I'll move on the the DVD releases. I'm a bit late, seeing as how they were released 2 days ago, but you're all poor SOBs and haven't bought any yet anyway. Here goes:

• Animaniacs: Volume 1 - Come join the Warner Brothers, and the Warner sister Dot, just for fun they'll run around the Warner movie lot. Alright, I won't sing anymore of the theme song, but I know it all just in case you're curious. You would be the dumbest person on the planet to see this on the shelf and not buy it, unless of course you need the money for food. But even then, your excuses mean little to me. I still remember watching the 1st ever episode and hearing Slappy the Squirrel say "Let's not get anal here," and wondering how in God's name that made it to broadcast television.
• The Benchwarmers - I have nothing against comedies, I just have something against stupid comedies. When I'm picking out movies at Blockbuster, this one will be true to title and sit on the sidelines.
• Final Destination 3 (Widescreen) - I too had a premonition. In mine, I saw this movie, and my head exploded out of sheer amazement that they even made this piece of shit.
• Hudson Hawk (15th Anniversary Edition) - This is one of those comedies that you either "get" or "don't get." Personally, I think it's comedy gold and the decapitation scene, and Bruce Willis' following one-liner, makes me laugh every damn time. If you've never seen it, then go do so. It's quirky sure, but mighty entertaining.
• Pinky and the Brain: Volume 1 - To prove their mousey worth, they'll overthrow the Earth. This Animaniacs offshoot is pure hilariousnessicity in its highest form. The Wizard of Oz spoof episode is one of my favorites, although I'm not sure if that's on Volume 1 or not.

That's really all that came out this week. Next week is pretty good too, including a movie that I'm eagerly anticipating owning, so come back next Monday and read my blog, or else two dozen tiny weasels will gnaw through your car's brake lines.

Don't make me send the weasels.

Peacefull slumber my ass!

Sleep is supposed to be peacefull right? So why is it I can't dream about anything good? Sure, on occasion I have the dream involving a hot bikini model who just wants to have sex, but honestly, those types of dream are quite rare and that's really quite dissapointing. Maybe once every few months I'll have a dream where I'm a James Bond type who has to shoot a bunch a people for some save-the-world type reason. I like those dreams. For the most part though, those aren't the dreams I have. I dream about High School quite a bit for some reason. Let me be perfectly clear. I HATED High School. Some of the classmates I miss, but not the environment. At least once a week, I have a dream where I'm back in Mr. Schiwsow's history class listening to him drone on about the civil war while Mike Grummert makes a stupid joke. All those types of dreams accomplish is to depress me, and when I wake up, I feel like I'm headed off to High School for another day. I liked my time spent at college, but for some reason, I never dream of college. Just that shithole called Meridian Public School.

The second type of dream I have more often than the happy sex dreams are the "water" dreams. I'm not conciously afraid of water. I like to swim and showers are quite refreshing. I don't scream everytime it rains, yet I have nightmares involving water. Usually, I'm driving along and there's a huge flood and the road is covered in water, yet I can't turn around. I have to continue. If this scenario happened in real life, it would probably be quite scary, so I can see the realism in this dream. The second type of water dream I have involves toilets. Yeah, that's right, toilets. That's ok, you can laugh. I know it's really god damn stupid, but for some reason, my repressed fears manifest themselves as toilets. Some of the toilet dreams involve me really having to go, but all of the toilets all filthy. I'm talking shit on the seats, floor covered in puddles of piss filthy. The second type of toilet dream involves the toilet overflowing. Toilet overflows are by no means frightening, but in the dreams, I'm terrified. Like I said, laugh all you want, because I too admit that it's stupidly funny. These toilet dreams in no way have any bearing on real life fears. I have no idea what my brain is trying to tell me and I'm not sure I want to know.

Now I'm not saying I have these types of dreams every damn night, but I have them more often then dreams I'd like to have. Dreams are supposed to be the mind's way of escaping, yet my mind retreats into a shitter. Great.

Well, at least the DVD releases for tomorrow are pretty good. Let us bask in the gloryness of the DVD goodness which is Tuesday the 18th.

• The Adventures of Briscoe County, Jr.: The Complete Series - What mook doesn't like Bruce Campbell? A fuck-mook that's who. This short lived series was only on for one season but it sure was damn funny. I highly reccomend this purchase, or at least rental, to anyone who enjoys good television.
• The Best of She-Ra - Princess of Power - As with He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, I'll wait until the complete seasons are released and skip the "best of" discs.
• Carnivale: The Complete First Two Seasons - This series looked twisted and cool at the same time. I want to watch it, but I'm told that it ends in an unresolved cliffhanger due to the shows early cancellation.
• The Incredible Hulk: The Complete First Season - YEAH!!! I'm sure a lot of these episodes are pointless and cheesy, but you'd have to be a Commie to hate the Hulk. Hulk would smash puny Commies. You better believe he would.
• Jack of All Trades: The Complete Series - Another Bruce Campbell series. I never watched this when it was on the air so I'm not sure if it's any good or not. The revewers on Amazon seem to like it so I'll try to rent it when I get the chance.
• Ren & Stimpy: The Lost Episodes - You would be an EEDIOT not to find the comedy stylings of Ren and Stimpy entertaining and juvenile. Oh how I long for a Powdered Toast Man movie.
• She's the Man (Widescreen) - I wouldn't watch this movie even if Bruce Canpbell was in it. Unless he was in it naked. Then maybe.

And thats it. Next week we have some more goooood shit coming out. I'm talking some Take Over the World good if you're pondering what I'm pondering.

Excellent.

Rub my Pegleg...

No, the one in the middle.

Saturday night was a Pirates of the Caribbean: Dean Man's Chest viewing opportunity and by Jove, I took it. Some critics are bashing it, and I can kinda see where they're coming from, but it's still a good movie.

The first one is better, I have no problem admitting it. Some are saying that as sequels go, this one reminds them of Empire Strikes back, both because it's that good and because it ends in somewhat of a cliffhanger. I wouldn't go that far. I quite enjoyed POTC 2, but since it's more of a "part 1 of 2" kind of thing, that's exactly what it feels like, so the movie seems kind of pointless. It feels more like a "set-up" than it does a film with it's own plot.

The movie-going public doesn't seem to care though seeing as the film blew everything, including Spider-Man, out of the water in terms of box office sales this weekend. I knew that was going to happen when the 6:45, 7:10, and 7:45 showings at the Castle Rock theatre were all sold out. Since it's a smaller town, when three showings are sold out there, you know it's raking in the bucks.

One last thing on this film: I was told to stay through until the end of the credits for a final little scene. Don't stay. It's a fucking waste of time. At least the after-credits scene in X3 was a crucial bit of info.

I'll close this review with a pirate joke:

A pirate walks into a bar with this enormous steering wheel stuck down his pants. The bartender can't help but ask, "What's with the steering wheel?" "ARRRRGGH," the pirate answers, "it's drivin' me nuts!!"

On to the DVD reviews for tomorrow's releases:

• Basic Instinct 2 - Does anyone still care about what Sharon Stone looks like naked? I'm looking forward to Basic Instinct 3 starring Betty White.

That's really all that's being released this week. Don't cry though, because next week we have a release starring the best actor I've ever seen: Bruce Campbell. You won't want to miss that.

Behold My Return!!

Yes, I am back from my vacation. And oh, was it a good one.

I got $1300 of G.I. Joe stuff for $100. Well, Shane and I split it, so I got $650 worth of Joe stuff for $50. I found a few other toys I needed along the way. I also found Andy a TMNT fig he needed. I am almost as happy as he is to have found it. I mean, I've been looking all over Denver for the last year to find the bastard for Andy and to actually find it is like a little treasure hunt. I found it in Marysville Kansas of all places. When we stopped by my parents house on the way back, my friend Brian dropped off his comic books that he's selling me. There are a shitload of books in there from the 60's and 70's and a few from the 50's. Sure, a bunch of them have corners chewed off from mice and the other various wear marks that 40+ year old books have, but it's a great addition to my collection nonetheless. The trip topic conveniently leads into...

Stupid MotherFucker of the Week:
It seems as though all of the previous Stupid MoFo's have won their awards at retail outlets such as Wal-Marts or Targets. Today's winner is no different. This freakin' dumbass astounded everyone around with her Wal-Mart Self-Checkout tomfoolery. You see, there was a line of people waiting to use the self checkouts, where, I can only assume, alot of dumbasses can be observed on a daily basis. After scanning her entire cart full of items, she taps the Proceed to Payment button. The electronic voice tells her, and the people in the near vicinity, that her total is $236.65 or something like that. This woman then proceed to take out her cash and feed $1 bills to the machine, taking time after each bill is fed to make sure it went through. ONE DOLLAR BILLS!!! ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!! After about 5 minutes of this, the Wal-Mart employee manning the self-checkouts just said to hell with it, flagged her over, and cashiered the transaction from her podium/station. I almost expected the stupid bith to pull a jar of pennies out of her purse and start feeding those into the machine. Here's to you ya frackin hoo'er.

I'm going to take the next few seconds of your time to review Superman Returns, which I saw a few nights ago. Now, there may be spoilers or there may not be. I haven't decided yet, but consider this a warning. Also, never get involved in a land war in Asia. Not really a warning, but good advice regardless.

I thought Superman Returns was a good movie, for a Superman movie. What I mean is that I've never really cared for Superman all that much. Batman, The X-Men, and countless other superhero peeps are so much more dynamic. Superman is just kind of boring because he's so powerfull. His only real weakness is Kryptonite so if you want to hurt the Man of Steel as a filmaker, you have to resort to Kryptonite again and again. This film resorts to Kryptonite. Superman II actually gave Superman not one, but 3 villians who were just as powerfull as he so sometimes Kryptonite isn't used, but honestly, there isn't much you can do with the Big S.

Routh does a great job as Superman and he is the perfect choice. There were a few moments in the film where Routh looked freakishly like Christopher Reeve and I kinda liked that link to the previous films. Whether this is a sequel to the first two or not is open to debate but it's nice to at least get someone who harkens back to the good old days of Reeve, barring of course Superman III and IV. Keven Spacey is excellent as always and his protrayal of Lex also mimics Gene Hackman's Lex. Kate Bosworth is perfectly fine as Lois. And everyone else is good as well, except for Kitty's character which I'll explain here in a few sentences as to not test your limited attention spans.

The film is a bit sappy at points with its Superman/Clark/Lois/Perry's Nephew romance subplot, but it has to be done, so I accept it. There are bits of humor thrown in here and there and those work fairly well. The only major problem I have with the film is it Hammyness. I don't mean that it's full of Hamsters. That would be freakin' sweet however. Superman battling thousands of Hamsters would be a grand spectacle to behold. What I mean is that it's hammy, plain and simple. I'm sure that's what Singer wanted as a director. In a way, it reminds me of the old time Superman shows with George Reeves. But in this movie, it's just cheesy. It works in a movie such as Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow becasue in that film, the time period and settings are supposed to be hammy as well. In Superman Returns, it comes off to me as being dumb because it's supposed to take place in the present day world. It's supposed to be Superman here and now. I'm supposed to believe that this is taking place and the hammy dialog just doesn't cut it. Parker Posey as Kitty Kowalski has some of the worst lines in this film and I feel for her. I cringed inside during her "rescue" scene after her automobile "issue" because her lines were just fuckin' dumb.

A minor problem I has was the pacing of the film. Sure, it wasn't horrible, but the airplane rescue at the beginning of the film felt so much more climactic than anything near the end. Yeah, the ending had Superman facing great odds, but the scenes of him saving the aircraft were amazinging awesome and I was hoping for some of that iconic imagery to round out the film.

It was a good film, but it could have easily been better. I enjoyed watching X3 more than I enjoyed watching Superman Returns, but I expected that going in.

But of course, you need to see it for yourself to form your own opinion. As for the DVD releases for yesterday, I'll tell you what to think.

• Charlie's Angels - The Complete Third Season - If you buy this, you deserve a swift kick to the gonads. And believe me, I have no problem giving it to you.
• Doctor Who: The Complete First Series - I missed a few episodes of this first season but what I saw of it was pretty good. There are some crappy episodes, but that's the case with most British sci-fi. The season finale was actually quite good and has me looking forward to season 2.
• The Matador (Widescreen) - Critics seem to like this film and it looks quite entertaining. I plan to rent it this week.

That and about 5 other items were all that was realeased yesterday. Normally dozens of items make it to the shelves on a Tuesday, but being a holiday, yesterday was sparse. Next week sucks too.

I leave you with a Chuck Norris fact, just becasue I can:

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Tomfoolery and Poppycock

This coming weekend will be full of both as Shane and I make a small road trip to Kansas City and then to my perent's place in good old Nebraska. Plus, I just like saying Tomfoolery and Poppycock. It will be a good weekend, but also depressing knowing that I won't be at the 2006 G.I. Joe Convention. Oh well, shit happens. I haven't actually posted a Stupid MotherFucker of the Week award on here for a few weeks but I'm sure I'll have enough candidates after my little trip to fill a few weeks up. I'll be driving through Kansas, Missouri, and Nebraska on this trip, and if any states are full of stupid motherfuckers, it's these three.

Of course a trip, even a minor one like this, has its problems. Money being the first one. Sure, I can afford it, but just barely. Also, some of my friends just don't understand how short of a trip this is. I'll be at my parent's house in Nebraska from about 4 P.M. on Saturday afternoon until 7 A.M. Sunday morning. Obviously, my parents want us to eat dinner there on Saturday night. Yet, my friend Brian wants us to drive 35 miles to where he lives so we can "hang out" with him. He just can't understand the facts. This isn't a week long trip. This is a 3 day trip with 19 hours of drive time. I'm glad Brian doesn't read this blog because then he'd know I think he's being a dumbass. Hey dumbass, how about you come visit me in Denver like you said you were going to do 2 years ago? I thought so.

Although I don't have to worry about Samantha on this vacation at all. Sure, she's my fiancee and I enjoy taking trips with her, but sometimes you just have a take a tiny break from the significant other. it doesn't mean you hate them, it just means you need some "me" time, or in this case, some "guy" time. In addition, I like driving. I find it soothing and calming. However, if it's too soothing and calming, I wind up dozing off and slamming into a bus full of children at 80 mph. Sure, I wouldn't mind that at all, but the law enforcement comminity frowns upon dead kids.

Samantha and I have been "looking into" getting a grill for our patio. By "looking into," I mean taking the time to set money aside to buy one. Our apartment complex only allows gas grills though and not charcoal ones. That's fine with me since I'm a damn lazy bastard. My grandfather bought a new gas grill last summer. Sure, it was a cheap one, but it does it's job. On Saturday, he just gave it to us, saying that he won't use it ever again. Grandfathers can be so nice at times. We used it twice this weekend to grill us up some hot dogs, or "dogs" as they're called in the hood. I sure do like meat.

Enough of my incessant ramblings. It's time to Shock and Awe you with my uncalled for bombing and invasion of the country known as DVD Releases.

• Annapolis (Widescreen) - Does anyone really care about this film?
• Blue Collar Comedy Tour - One for the Road (Widescreen Edition) - Once again, does anyone really care about this film, other than Alabama?
• Commander in Chief: The Inaugural Edition Part 1 - Apparently, people loved this show and thought it was really good television. Yet, it has been cancelled so it must have been lacking something.
• Failure to Launch (Special Collector's Edition - Widescreen) - I can promise you that this film will never pass before my precious eyes.
• Fear Factor: The First Season - Great, now I can relive all those memories of complete morons eating cow intestines and rat assholes.
• Find Me Guilty - This film looked mildly interesting. I just may rent it.
• Independence Day: 10th Anniversary Edition - Alright. I've had enough of this God Damn movie on DVD. This is at least the fifth time this movie has been released on DVD, I shit you not. So the Limited Edition or the 5 Star Edition wasn't enough? What really pissed me off was the new slipcover that was thrown on to the 2002 edition od ID4 to capitalize off of War of the Worlds. Take a look at 2 War of the Worlds DVD designs and then the ID4 slipcover and tell me it isn't cheap combination of the 2.

• Leroy & Stitch - Yep, another pointless Disney sequel.
• Ultraviolet (Unrated Extended Cut) - Maybe someday I'll be so bored that I'll rent this film to see how bad it really is, but that day won't be anytime soon.

That is it for the DVD releases for this week, and as you can already determine, it's best to just skip the DVD shelves altogether this week. But not the porno shelves. NEVER skip those.

You've read this one already..

I just changed the title.

This weekend, in between kicking Shane's ass in LazerTag and cooking a damn fine casserole, I decided to watch some old movies. Not old like Citizen Kane, old like 12 years ago old. You see, I was able to pick up DVD copies of Mortal Kombat and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. When I was 15 years old, I though Mortal Kombat was an enjoyabe action film based off of an enjoyable series of games. When I was 17, I thought Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (MKA) really sucked more than anything could possibly suck. I wanted to watch these 2 films again to see if my opinions had changed, as they do with films sometimes. My thoughts are as follows:

Mortal Kombat : Wow. This film wasn't as good as I had remembered. Now it isn't horrible, and I still enjoy it for what it is, but some of the acting is just horrible. I must say though, I quite enjoy the character of Kano as played by Trevor Goddard. It is exactly how he should be played and it saddens me that if Kano is ever in another MK film, Trevor won't be playing him since the dumbass died of a drug overdose in 2003. And the guy playing Johnny Cage also was a good fit. Some of the special effects, like Reptile, really suck too, at least by today's discerning moviegoer's eyes. Yeah, this movie is cheesy, but still kind of fun.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation: I was really hoping that this film was better than I had remembered it. It, in fact, is worse. Now, I enjoy action movies, but this film is ridiculous. This is the action movie equivalent of a porno film. Two minutes of shittly plot, followed by 5 minutes of sex, or in this case, fighting. Repeat that over and over and you have the film. This had 2 major negative effects on the film. 1: I got God Damn tired of watching people fight really fast. 2: The final battel between Liu Kang and Shao Kahn at the end of the film looses all importance because it's just another fight. Near the end, I was so tired of mindless fights, I was really hoping that Liu Kang and Shao Kang would resolve their problems over a thrilling game of Mortal Kheckers, complete with a thumping techno beat.

This wasn't the only bad part of the film. There are so many, I just have to talk about some of them because they're so damn bad!

The acting is even worse than that of the 1st movie. The casting makes no sense. Alot of the characters from the 1st film are recast, and recast poorly. The plot is really only there to set-up the next fight. This movie is supposed to take place immediately after the first, yet the characters are wearing different outfits at the beginning of this film. There is a scene where Sonya Blade gets covered, and I mean absolutely covered in mud, yet in the next scene, she looks like she has never even seen mud and her white tank top looks like it just came out of the wash. The effects in this film suck too, especially when Liu Kang and Shao Kahn turn into dragons near the end. Yep, you heard right, they turn into dragons to fight. Which is really fucking pointless since about 3 minutes later, they turn back into their human forms for the "final" battle. I had thought that the final battle had been going on for 5 minutes already, but apparently not.

My final rant about this piece of crap are the costumes. The filmakers kept all the outfits exactly as they are in the game, but they don't translate to film at all. This is the perfect example of how when an outfit works in one form, such as a comic or game, it doesn't necesarily work on film. Nightwolf looked like a bad-ass Native American in MKIII. He looks like a gay Indian in the movie. And purple spandex doesn't work on ANY character in ANY movie.

I hated this film and I like a lot of shitty action films, but this one is too damn bad even for me. In fact, this film was so bad, that after watching it, I couldn't remember what about the 1st film I thought was bad. It's like fuckin' Shakespeare compared to the 2nd. A third film, Mortal Kombat: Devastation, is in pre=production now, and I'm hoping for the sake of the Earth itself, that's it's an improvement. The casting is going back to the first film so hopefully they do the whole "Highlander 2" scenario and totally ignore that the 2nd film ever happened.

Alright, enough about films that no one gives a rat's ass about. On to the DVD releases for tomorrow and I must say that finally the drought is over and we've got some good shit hitting the shelves tomorrow, although most of it is suppled by DC.

• The Adventures of Superboy: The Complete First Season - Honestly, I can only remember seeing like 1 episode of this when it was on the air in 1988 and I can't even remember if it was good or not. For some reason though, I'm kind of excited to pick it up and give it a try. Apparently, the cast changed, including Superboy, after season one and the show was much better for seasons 2-4.
• Adventures of Superman: The Complete Third and Fourth Seasons - The old timey classics, which I've never actually watched.
• Eight Below (Widescreen) - Oh joy. A Disney movie satrring Paul Walker and a bunch of sled dogs. I'm taking a guess here by saying that the dogs are better actors than Paul Walker.
• The Hills Have Eyes (Unrated) - I'm getting tired of every shittly horror movie being released as "Unrated." How about you just release the cut you want to release in the first place? Two more minutes of gore isn't going to make me want to see the fim any more than I had wanted to in the first place, which wasn't much at all.
• Justice League: Season Two - WOOOT!!!!
• Krypto: The Superdog, Volume One - Cosmic Canine - There are a lot of DC themed releases this fine day, but this is one I'll be passing on.
• Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman - The Complete Third Season - Meh. I never really got into this show.
• Look, Up in the Sky: The Amazing Story of Superman - Documentaries are for sissues.
• Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure - Disney is really good at making meaningless sequels just to rake in the money, and sadly, most of them suck.
• Night Watch (Nochnoi Dozor) - I've heard so many different opinions on this Russian film that I really want to see it to form my own opinion. It looks good from the previews anyway.
• Superman: The Animated Series - Volume Three - Another DC release that I must have.
• Superman: Brainiac Attacks - This is a new film that, like the Superman Animated Series, uses Tim Daly as the voice of Superman. The Justice League toon used another voice actor. I'll buy this too.
• Syriana (Widescreen) - I unfortunately was unable to see this in the theatres so I'm really looking forward to seeing it now. George Clooney is the shit.

And that's it. You see, I told you that this week was better than the last few. Always listen to Crow and you'll come out ok. Next week, we're back to the suckage.

I'm Made Out of People!!!!!!

So, everyone is told at some point in their life that they look like a celebrity. Take Andy for instance, he kinda looks like Moby, but on Heroin. I thought’s today’s comment from a library patron on who I resemble was most hilarious. First, let me list those celebrities that I’ve previously been told I look like:

• Johnny Rzeznik, lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls.
• Charles Manson - Not so much of a celebrity, but I still count it.
• Dr. Evil - Not really a celeb either, just a movie character, but I've been told by more than one person that I reming them of Dr. Evil when I'm not even trying to mimic him. This and Manson leads me to believe that people think I'm a bad person at heart, and if I ever find out for sure that they think this, I'll stab them in the neck with a pencil.
• A young Elvis Presley. Yes, I too said "What the Fuck?" when some idiot told me this. I guess it's better than looking like an old Elvis Presley, which I'll probably acheive in the next 3 years if I play my cards right.

But today's comment was possibly the greatest of them all. You probably figured it out from today's title. Yep, someone just said I look like Charlton Heston. This is kinda disturbing because I've been told that I'm distantly related to him, through marriage hopefully. It's also odd because I've openly mocked Heston and his acting chops for many a year. Not to his face though, that man owns a lot of guns. I can see the Manson lookalike connection when I've got my Hobo look going. I can even vaguely see a tiny Rzeznik similarity when my hair was longer and died like it was 6 years ago. But the Presly one? Hell no. And certainly not the Heston one. I don't sound like him either. I don't talk as if my teeth constantly hurt. I'm never sure if I should take these comments as compliments or insults.

To celebrate this fine day, I will leave you with some of Heston's more valuable contributions to movie dialogue:

• You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
• It's people. Soylent Green is made out of people. They're making our food out of people.
• Sweet Christ...

Thank you Mr. Heston, you're both a gentelman and a scholar.

I Think I'm Sick

Something is terribly wrong with me. I have absolutely nothing to bitch and moan about today. Had my weekend sucked, this Monday would also suck; however, my weekend was great. This is why my weekend was great:

• My computer works. Apparently, the woman didn't fry it when she spilled the cup of water.
• I found some tough to find Marvel Legend figs.
• I found an amazing deal on G.I. Joes toys from some guy who wants to get shafted instead of making a profit.
• After years of inactivity, I finally got another chance for some quality war games. A buddy and myself went up to a quiet national park and played a few rousing games of laser tag. We have these sweet-ass rifles that fire a nerf-like missle than can tag the other players. Years ago, I said a lazer tag grenade would be the next logical step, and the man listened. Did I win you ask? Well of course. I not only supply extra lazer tag guns when needed, I suppy the cold depressing onslaught of total domination.

If you personally know me, you'll not only wish me dead, but you'll know that I'm quite good at seeing into the future. Every so often, I plan to use my psychic abilities to pull a news article from the future of a famous individual. Today, I will pull an article from the August 13, 2013 edition of the Sydney Daily News. I decided to hightlight Richard Branson today because eveyday he decides to try something new and wacky and I wanted to see how he actually ends up dying:

Entrepreneur Richard Branson Dead at 63
Sydney, Australia

Tragedy struck at 6:04 P.M. Tuesday evening when billionaire Richard Branson finally met his fate. Founder of the Virgin empire, including successful airline, railway, media, and space travel projects, was well-known for his dangerous ventures both inside and outside of the board room. Branson was often criticized by his investors for his risky behavior, including jaunts on experimental, and untested, aircrafts and space faring vehicles. Parachuting, base jumping, and hang gliding were a few of Branson’s more dangerous “hobbies.” The ordinary man wouldn’t have been able to indulge himself like this, but Branson, worth over four billion dollars, could afford the most outrageous of stunts.

His last risky adventure would prove to be the most dangerous of all. According to the IMAX film crew documenting his last adventure, Branson suffered multiple lacerations from razor-sharp, diamond-tipped, poison-laced tusks while fighting an army of his genetically engineered WARthogs on his specially designed flying battle city, entitled VirginSacrifice. Branson boarded VirginSacrifice encased within his hydrogen-powered armor boots and armed only with a laser crossbow, a 2x4 with a rusty nail in it, and a thirst for excitement. Branson was successful in killing eight WARthogs before the remaining 12 lured him into a trap and knocked him unconscious with powerful nerve gas secreted from their teats.

Richaard Branson, one of Richard Branson’s many clones, issued this statement: “We at Virgin Enterprises are shocked and saddened by Richard’s untimely passing. Now please excuse me while I take my daily injection to prevent my soy-based clone body from breaking down. Thank you.”

Richard Branson will be cremated and his ashes will be shot toward the sun, where the red star’s immense gravity will slingshot Bronson’s remains towards the black hole in the center of the galaxy.

Wow, I didn't see that one coming.

The DVD monkey has just flung his poo-of-new-releases at me.

• 16 Blocks (Widescreen) - I enjoy Bruce Willis as an actor and all, but this film just looks boring. A good cop has to protect a witness from the bad cops for, oddly enough, the length of 16 blocks. Throw in some badgers and then you've got a movie I'd pay to see.
• Beavis and Butt-Head, Vol. 2: The Mike Judge Collection - Patrick Stewart loves this show, and so should you.
• Dave Chappelle's Block Party (Unrated Widescreen) - I've barely seen any of Dave Chappelle's work and I already hate him.
• Dharma & Greg: Season One - It was only a matter of time before they started releasing this show on DVD. Somewhere out there, there are people happy about this. These people are called "Commies."
• MacGyver: The Complete Sixth Season - This is the show that taught me how to blow open the hull of a ship with only bleach, peanut butter, a ball-point pen, and an egg-timer. I can't count how many times that's come in handy.
• The Princess Bride - The "Buttercup Edition" - And if this isn't "Manly" enough for you, there's always...
• The Princess Bride - The "Dread Pirate Edition" - Two different packaging versions for your pleasure! I think everything else is the same about these releases, but this is a must buy.
• Sandler Collection - Big Daddy, 50 First Dates, and Mr. Deeds together in one amazingly craptacular package.
• Walker, Texas Ranger: The Complete First Season - Yes!! Finally a reason to incorporate Chuck Norris jokes into my blog!! There is no Theory of Evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. The opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan are loosely based on the games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played as a child. The “C-section” is named after Chuck Norris, for when he roundhouse kicked himself through his mother’s stomach. Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer...too bad Chuck Norris has never cried. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a guy so fast, that his foot broke the speed of light, travelled back through time, and killed Amelia Earhart and vaporized her plane while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

You see how funny Chuck Norris jokes can be?! I'm still laughing over the C-section joke.

On Bullshit

The topic for the majority of today's blog will be Bullshit. I know it's a new thing for this blog but let me just get right into it and I bet you'll catch on fast.

So my lovely fiancee Samantha accidentally spilled a cup of water last night onto the coffee table. Isn't it odd that I still call it a coffee table, yet I drink no coffee? My laptop was on this coffee table as well. My laptop won't turn on this morning. Right now, the laptop is a $1400 paperweight.

So, Samantha says I shouldn't be angry at her because it was an accident and she didn't mean to do it. I don't have the right to be angry when a very expensive piece of electronic equipment gets fried because of someone else's clumsyness?

BULLSHIT

So I says to Sam: "Well if I were out driving your car and someone smashed into it and totaled it, you'd be angry at me." To which she replies: "No I wouldn't be, because it would be an accident."

BULLSHIT

She would bitch and moan and make me feel guilty for it for the next 65 fuckin' years. Women, when they have nothing to be angry about, FIND reasons to be angry.

Also, why is it whenever Samantha spills something, it's ALWAYS my shit that gets damaged? Yeah yeah, I know that it technically our stuff, but like she cares about the Wizard Poster Book that got ruined a few months back. Yes, everything may be ours, but there are clearly items that belong to one or the other. In the 5+ years we've been together, she has spilled crap on cardboard DVD cases, comic books, and now a computer. She has knocked crap off tables causing me to loose some very small pieces to a 20 year old G.I. Joe item. Hell, it only took me 20 years to complete it, I'll just complete it again in 2026. I've NEVER seen her spill anything on her romance books or on really anything of hers. That my friends, is

BULLSHIT

Add to this the fact that now I have to redo 2 assignments for a cataloging class that were due tomorrow that had previously been safe and sound on my laptop, and you can see that I'm wading in a deep kiddee-pool of

BULLSHIT

You're beginning to see a recurring theme now aren't you? And that fact that she doesn't like to take responsibility pisses me off too. I know this wasn't intentional, but her saying this cheeses me off: "Well you can't be mad because I accidentally may have fried your computer." MAY HAVE MY ASS. IT WON'T FUCKING TURN ON FOR CHRISTSAKES. You DID fry it. Hey, what's that in the sky? Is it a bird or a plane? Nope, it's

BULLSHIT

Moving on to other issues: What is with these people who feel like they have to back into every parking space? Will that extra 3 seconds you save when you leave work or the SuperTarget really matter? Will it offset the 20 seconds you wasted trying to back into the space at the beginning of work? I'm not entirely sure, but I think the logic and reasoning center of your brains are full of, yep, you guessed it...

BULLSHIT

I'm also having an issue with Amazon. The online retailer, not the immensely large rainforest full of things that will eat me. I pre-ordered some Marvel Legends in February and the order is scheduled to ship sometime this week. Two weeks ago, I found some of these figures so I went to cancel them from my order. The website gives me an error message every time I try to cancel these items. Of course, I e-mailed Amazon for a prompt resolution. That was 2 weeks ago. Seven days ago, I got a second e-mail response from them telling me that they're trying to fix the problem and they'll get back to me in 2 days. Still nothing to this very day. WHAT FUCKING PROBLEM CAN THERE BE? JUST CANCEL THE DAMN ITEMS! Your system has no freakin' problem accepting new orders now does it? Why no, no it doesn't. How very odd. I wonder how much shipping Amazon will charge for the

BULLSHIT that they're sending me.

Alright, it's time to move on the the
STUPID MOTHERFUCKER OF THE WEEK, which also ties in nicely to the theme of today's thrilling show.

This week's winner is the illustrious group of assclowns that call themselves XM Radio Customer Service. I've had issues with them before, but this is the top dog. So last Friday I called them to cancel one of the 2 radios on my account due to us using the 2nd radio very little. After waiting on hold for 20 minutes, I got customer service who told me I had to call another number. And no, they couldn't just transfer me. After waiting another 20 minutes, I get a guy who verifies all of my info and hears my cancellation request. He then informs me that the system is down but he'll take all of the info and that another rep will call me when the system comes back up to let me know that the cancellation has indeed occured. That call never happened. Naturally, not wanting to wait on hold for another lifetime, I e-mailed XM yesterday asking what the deal is. I get this response:

** Dear Sean,
Thank you for contacting XM Satellite Radio.We recently received a request to deactivate an XM Satellite radio from your email address. Since we are unable to verify the identity of the sender of the email, the XM Satellite Radio Email Team is unable to process such a request. Instead, please call 1-800-998-7900 between the hours of 6 am and 2 am, Monday through Saturday and Sunday 8 am through 8 pm Eastern Standard Time. An XM Satellite Radio Listener Care phone representative will be happy to assist you.
Thank you, Dan Altmann XM's Listener Care Email Team **

Well, FUCK YOU DAN!!!!! Had your reps done their job, I wouldn't need to call back, I'm I'm damn sure not going to. You, or one of your fuck-tard reps, are going to call me, as I was told in the first place, and you'll cancel the GodDamn radio before I track your sorry ass down and beat the shit out of you with an electric stapler, which conveniently is the closest blunt object to me at the present time. You XM folk win the award not only for your incompetance, but also for your amazing commitment to

BULLSHIT

You like how I used both bold variance and color to hightlight certain words? I like it cause it's pretty. OK, I think I'm done complaining now so I'll move on the the DVDs that were released yesterday.

• Black Hawk Down (Extended Cut) - Sweet, all I wanted from this film is more indistinct guys running around screaming and getting shot.
• Charmed: The Complete Fifth Season - This DVD has just cast a spell on me. A spell that induces nausea and the urge to kill.
• Dazed and Confused (Criterion Collection) - The special edition of this film was released not even a year ago which is when I purchased it. Those dirty mother fuckers, I fell for their lies again. LIES!!!!
• The Drew Barrymore Collection - Never Been Kissed, Fever Pitch, AND Ever After. At least it isn't those god awful Charlie's Angels films, although honestly, is this set really much better? I say Hell No good sir!
• The Fast and the Furious: Franchise Collection - If I'm counting correctly, this is the 3rd release of the first film and the 2nd of the 2nd film. Anyone who remotely liked these films have already bought this set and had 6 children in the back of an '82 Camaro with their sister.
• Firewall (Widescreen Edition) - Horrible reviews and a re-re-re-re hashed plotline don't interest me in the least.
• George Clooney: The Collection - One Fine Day, Solaris, and the Thin Red Line make up this set. Sure, I think Clooney is one of the best actors for this generation, but this set seriously doesn't collect the 3 best films he's done. There are better choices.
• Glory Road (Widescreen) - Another "We can do it if we try!!" sports movie. Haven't we all had enough of these? Even sports fans have to be growing tired of these. Show me an inspirational story of a group of misguided Scottish athletes trying to make it big on the Caber toss circuit and I'll gladly pay for a ticket.
• He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: Season 2 V. 1 - Oh yeah!! Now we're talking! Finally a release worthy of my preciously-short attention span!
• Home Improvement: Season Four - And, just when it peeked it's head out, my attention has returned to it's den to hide.
• Mr. & Mrs. Smith - Unrated - Oh come on! The normal version just came out like 3 months ago. I fell for their lies agin!!! LIES!!!!!!!!
• Underworld: Evolution (Special Edition, Widescreen) - Do I even need to tell you this is a horrible film? Well, I guess I just did.

So that's it for today. Sure there are a lot od DVDs being released but, and I'm sure you saw this coming, most of them are nothing but

BULLSHIT!!!!

You Sons of Bitches...

Normally I wouldn't post at this time of the week, but I must get this out....

I'm quite the fan of the Die Hard films. So, naturally, when I heard of plans for Die Hard 4.0, I was pleased. But of course, Sean has no reason to be pleased now does he? They just announced that Die Hard 4.o will be directed by none other than Len Wiseman. Well that's just fuckin' peachy. Hand a franchise I love over to the jackass who directed both Underworld films. Directed AND wrote may I add. I'm not a fan of the Underworld movies, mainly because they suck.

You see that's the bad thing about shitty movies. Not only do they spawn shitty sequels that clog up the rental racks, but the movie studios see these successful shitty movies and mistakenly think that the movies aren't shitty and hire these hack writers and directors to "better" existing goodness. let me list some other examples of hacks being given projects they don't deserve:

Eli Roth, the "genius" behind Cabin Fever and Hostel has been hired to direct The Cell, a movie based on Stephen King's latest book. By the way, Cabin Fever was one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen.

Jonathan Lemkin, who wrote Lethal Weapon 4, was hired to write a script for Superman Returns before the current movie's idea was accepted. His idea was to have Superman impregnate Lois Lane right before he dies. Lois then gives birth, dying during childbirth, resulting in a fully-grown new Superman that takes over where his father left off to save the Earth. I'm not kidding. I can't make this shit up people.

Along the lines of Superman, McG, hot off the success of Charlie's Angels was also supposed to direct Superman Returns but dropped out for personal reasons and to direct Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.

Aliens Vs. Predator did so well at the box office that Fox seems to be moving ahead with AVP2. The early script, has the story taking place in present day in a small Texas town infiltrated by "Predaliens." The Predalien Hive is rumored to be a Super K-Mart. Once again, I shit you not. This is the horrible truth. In fact, take a gander at the possible movie tagline: "For the first time ever, an ALIEN FOOTPRINT forms on American soil.” If it wasn't the continuing death of another franchse I loved, I'd laugh.

Of course, I could be wrong on the whole Die Hard / Wiseman thing. Disney hired the guy who directed The Mexican and The Ring to direct Pirates of the Caribbean and that turned out great. He also directed The Weather Man, a truly entertaining film. I gues I'll just have to wait and see.