On Bullshit

The topic for the majority of today's blog will be Bullshit. I know it's a new thing for this blog but let me just get right into it and I bet you'll catch on fast.

So my lovely fiancee Samantha accidentally spilled a cup of water last night onto the coffee table. Isn't it odd that I still call it a coffee table, yet I drink no coffee? My laptop was on this coffee table as well. My laptop won't turn on this morning. Right now, the laptop is a $1400 paperweight.

So, Samantha says I shouldn't be angry at her because it was an accident and she didn't mean to do it. I don't have the right to be angry when a very expensive piece of electronic equipment gets fried because of someone else's clumsyness?

BULLSHIT

So I says to Sam: "Well if I were out driving your car and someone smashed into it and totaled it, you'd be angry at me." To which she replies: "No I wouldn't be, because it would be an accident."

BULLSHIT

She would bitch and moan and make me feel guilty for it for the next 65 fuckin' years. Women, when they have nothing to be angry about, FIND reasons to be angry.

Also, why is it whenever Samantha spills something, it's ALWAYS my shit that gets damaged? Yeah yeah, I know that it technically our stuff, but like she cares about the Wizard Poster Book that got ruined a few months back. Yes, everything may be ours, but there are clearly items that belong to one or the other. In the 5+ years we've been together, she has spilled crap on cardboard DVD cases, comic books, and now a computer. She has knocked crap off tables causing me to loose some very small pieces to a 20 year old G.I. Joe item. Hell, it only took me 20 years to complete it, I'll just complete it again in 2026. I've NEVER seen her spill anything on her romance books or on really anything of hers. That my friends, is

BULLSHIT

Add to this the fact that now I have to redo 2 assignments for a cataloging class that were due tomorrow that had previously been safe and sound on my laptop, and you can see that I'm wading in a deep kiddee-pool of

BULLSHIT

You're beginning to see a recurring theme now aren't you? And that fact that she doesn't like to take responsibility pisses me off too. I know this wasn't intentional, but her saying this cheeses me off: "Well you can't be mad because I accidentally may have fried your computer." MAY HAVE MY ASS. IT WON'T FUCKING TURN ON FOR CHRISTSAKES. You DID fry it. Hey, what's that in the sky? Is it a bird or a plane? Nope, it's

BULLSHIT

Moving on to other issues: What is with these people who feel like they have to back into every parking space? Will that extra 3 seconds you save when you leave work or the SuperTarget really matter? Will it offset the 20 seconds you wasted trying to back into the space at the beginning of work? I'm not entirely sure, but I think the logic and reasoning center of your brains are full of, yep, you guessed it...

BULLSHIT

I'm also having an issue with Amazon. The online retailer, not the immensely large rainforest full of things that will eat me. I pre-ordered some Marvel Legends in February and the order is scheduled to ship sometime this week. Two weeks ago, I found some of these figures so I went to cancel them from my order. The website gives me an error message every time I try to cancel these items. Of course, I e-mailed Amazon for a prompt resolution. That was 2 weeks ago. Seven days ago, I got a second e-mail response from them telling me that they're trying to fix the problem and they'll get back to me in 2 days. Still nothing to this very day. WHAT FUCKING PROBLEM CAN THERE BE? JUST CANCEL THE DAMN ITEMS! Your system has no freakin' problem accepting new orders now does it? Why no, no it doesn't. How very odd. I wonder how much shipping Amazon will charge for the

BULLSHIT that they're sending me.

Alright, it's time to move on the the
STUPID MOTHERFUCKER OF THE WEEK, which also ties in nicely to the theme of today's thrilling show.

This week's winner is the illustrious group of assclowns that call themselves XM Radio Customer Service. I've had issues with them before, but this is the top dog. So last Friday I called them to cancel one of the 2 radios on my account due to us using the 2nd radio very little. After waiting on hold for 20 minutes, I got customer service who told me I had to call another number. And no, they couldn't just transfer me. After waiting another 20 minutes, I get a guy who verifies all of my info and hears my cancellation request. He then informs me that the system is down but he'll take all of the info and that another rep will call me when the system comes back up to let me know that the cancellation has indeed occured. That call never happened. Naturally, not wanting to wait on hold for another lifetime, I e-mailed XM yesterday asking what the deal is. I get this response:

** Dear Sean,
Thank you for contacting XM Satellite Radio.We recently received a request to deactivate an XM Satellite radio from your email address. Since we are unable to verify the identity of the sender of the email, the XM Satellite Radio Email Team is unable to process such a request. Instead, please call 1-800-998-7900 between the hours of 6 am and 2 am, Monday through Saturday and Sunday 8 am through 8 pm Eastern Standard Time. An XM Satellite Radio Listener Care phone representative will be happy to assist you.
Thank you, Dan Altmann XM's Listener Care Email Team **

Well, FUCK YOU DAN!!!!! Had your reps done their job, I wouldn't need to call back, I'm I'm damn sure not going to. You, or one of your fuck-tard reps, are going to call me, as I was told in the first place, and you'll cancel the GodDamn radio before I track your sorry ass down and beat the shit out of you with an electric stapler, which conveniently is the closest blunt object to me at the present time. You XM folk win the award not only for your incompetance, but also for your amazing commitment to

BULLSHIT

You like how I used both bold variance and color to hightlight certain words? I like it cause it's pretty. OK, I think I'm done complaining now so I'll move on the the DVDs that were released yesterday.

• Black Hawk Down (Extended Cut) - Sweet, all I wanted from this film is more indistinct guys running around screaming and getting shot.
• Charmed: The Complete Fifth Season - This DVD has just cast a spell on me. A spell that induces nausea and the urge to kill.
• Dazed and Confused (Criterion Collection) - The special edition of this film was released not even a year ago which is when I purchased it. Those dirty mother fuckers, I fell for their lies again. LIES!!!!
• The Drew Barrymore Collection - Never Been Kissed, Fever Pitch, AND Ever After. At least it isn't those god awful Charlie's Angels films, although honestly, is this set really much better? I say Hell No good sir!
• The Fast and the Furious: Franchise Collection - If I'm counting correctly, this is the 3rd release of the first film and the 2nd of the 2nd film. Anyone who remotely liked these films have already bought this set and had 6 children in the back of an '82 Camaro with their sister.
• Firewall (Widescreen Edition) - Horrible reviews and a re-re-re-re hashed plotline don't interest me in the least.
• George Clooney: The Collection - One Fine Day, Solaris, and the Thin Red Line make up this set. Sure, I think Clooney is one of the best actors for this generation, but this set seriously doesn't collect the 3 best films he's done. There are better choices.
• Glory Road (Widescreen) - Another "We can do it if we try!!" sports movie. Haven't we all had enough of these? Even sports fans have to be growing tired of these. Show me an inspirational story of a group of misguided Scottish athletes trying to make it big on the Caber toss circuit and I'll gladly pay for a ticket.
• He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: Season 2 V. 1 - Oh yeah!! Now we're talking! Finally a release worthy of my preciously-short attention span!
• Home Improvement: Season Four - And, just when it peeked it's head out, my attention has returned to it's den to hide.
• Mr. & Mrs. Smith - Unrated - Oh come on! The normal version just came out like 3 months ago. I fell for their lies agin!!! LIES!!!!!!!!
• Underworld: Evolution (Special Edition, Widescreen) - Do I even need to tell you this is a horrible film? Well, I guess I just did.

So that's it for today. Sure there are a lot od DVDs being released but, and I'm sure you saw this coming, most of them are nothing but

BULLSHIT!!!!

You Sons of Bitches...

Normally I wouldn't post at this time of the week, but I must get this out....

I'm quite the fan of the Die Hard films. So, naturally, when I heard of plans for Die Hard 4.0, I was pleased. But of course, Sean has no reason to be pleased now does he? They just announced that Die Hard 4.o will be directed by none other than Len Wiseman. Well that's just fuckin' peachy. Hand a franchise I love over to the jackass who directed both Underworld films. Directed AND wrote may I add. I'm not a fan of the Underworld movies, mainly because they suck.

You see that's the bad thing about shitty movies. Not only do they spawn shitty sequels that clog up the rental racks, but the movie studios see these successful shitty movies and mistakenly think that the movies aren't shitty and hire these hack writers and directors to "better" existing goodness. let me list some other examples of hacks being given projects they don't deserve:

Eli Roth, the "genius" behind Cabin Fever and Hostel has been hired to direct The Cell, a movie based on Stephen King's latest book. By the way, Cabin Fever was one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen.

Jonathan Lemkin, who wrote Lethal Weapon 4, was hired to write a script for Superman Returns before the current movie's idea was accepted. His idea was to have Superman impregnate Lois Lane right before he dies. Lois then gives birth, dying during childbirth, resulting in a fully-grown new Superman that takes over where his father left off to save the Earth. I'm not kidding. I can't make this shit up people.

Along the lines of Superman, McG, hot off the success of Charlie's Angels was also supposed to direct Superman Returns but dropped out for personal reasons and to direct Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.

Aliens Vs. Predator did so well at the box office that Fox seems to be moving ahead with AVP2. The early script, has the story taking place in present day in a small Texas town infiltrated by "Predaliens." The Predalien Hive is rumored to be a Super K-Mart. Once again, I shit you not. This is the horrible truth. In fact, take a gander at the possible movie tagline: "For the first time ever, an ALIEN FOOTPRINT forms on American soil.” If it wasn't the continuing death of another franchse I loved, I'd laugh.

Of course, I could be wrong on the whole Die Hard / Wiseman thing. Disney hired the guy who directed The Mexican and The Ring to direct Pirates of the Caribbean and that turned out great. He also directed The Weather Man, a truly entertaining film. I gues I'll just have to wait and see.

So my job is boring.

At least it pays more than yours.

So I said in the last post that if I had time, I'd quickly review a made-for-tv movie I saw last week. Well here goes.

Last Wednesday, ABC premiered their film version of Stephen King's book Desperation. Normally, ABC is prone to create mini-series' out of King's work, mainly because most of King's books are frickin' huge. Desperation was only a one-shot however, which was fine by me because I think a mini-series would have been way too drawn out.

Most of these ABC King films are pretty weak production-wise. Sure, they do what they can, but one can always tell that it's just a made-for-tv movie with a tiny budget. Sometimes the special effects blow, as with the Langoliers, but more often than not, the acting sucks too, also as evidenced by the Langoliers. Desperation didn't really showcase any special effects so that was fine. As for the acting, it wasn't too terribly bad with Tom Skerritt and Ron Perlman as the main actors. Ron Perlman being especially good as the psycho sherriff. The woman who played the distraught mother of the boy was pretty damn bad though. And the boy? Oh what a craptastic child actor. ABC NEVER casts good child actors for the King films. Once again, refer to the Langoliers and that girl they picked to play the blind girl.

The boy's character also pissed me the hell off. Basically, God is showing his "will" through the boy in response to the evil entity which has taken over the town of Desperation. I'm sure this worked well in the book, but I got sick and tired of hearing this little bastard say "It's God's Will" every 5 goddamn minutes. I was hoping that It would be "God's Will" for the kid to fall down one of the town's mine shafts and die. Too bad that never happened.

Honestly though, this movie ends up being semi-enjoyable due to Ron Perlman and King's original writings. Perlman's character name is Collie Entragian and honestly, isn't that just a cool ass name? King has always been good at characterization and it shines with this character. Also, being one of the many who has read the epic which is the Dark Tower series, I picked up a few references to that which I'm glad they kept in the movie. King is notorius for somehow tying his Dark Tower series in almost every book he's written.

Although this film was somewhat interesting, I don't think I'd watch it again. If you have a few hours to kill, then by all means watch it, but don't be surprised when the child actor drives you insane with his constant God-speak.

All right, I'm done.

Go then, there are other worlds than these.

The X-Men Cometh

There may be minor spoilers in this, or major ones. I'm not sure because I haven't written the review yet. And really, it's less of a review than a rant on the idiocy of idiotic idiots.

So critics and X-Men fans alike have been bashing M-Men III. Does it deserve such harsh criticism?

Fuck no.

How about all of you anal-retentive, fat, donut-sucking, parent's basement living nerds shut the hell up already.

Sure, I think that X2 was better. Sure, I think X3 was too short. However, the criticisms these people are throwing out are absurd. Ratner is getting a lot of flack for his different directing style. Guess what? I really couldn't tell that it had a different director. People say that this movie focuses more on acton tha n character development. Yes, that would be bad if this had been the 1st film in the series, but this is the third film. We've already had 2 films that have set-up the major players. We already know their personalities, motivations, and character traits. We finally get to see the payoff of the X-Men in action, and in a lot of action at that. It's nice and refreshing, like Sprite.

Let's see, what else are these people bitching about? Oh yes, they think there are too many characters added. Really, only a few major characters are added and some of them have only minimal parts. Ratner didn't try to focus on every character which would have been a shitty thing to do.

These people also bitched that too many characters died. Have you mooks ever read the comics? You people bitch and bich that Ratner doesn't follow the comic, yet when people die, like in the comic, YOU STILL BITCH!

You people are complaining that certain characters have powers that they don't have in the comics. Would you rather have had Ratner add 10 more characters? Personally, I don't give a shit if Callisto has a few more powers than she does in the comic. What does it matter?? It doesn't affect the plot, and she's a minor character anyway. Sure, if Ratner had Cyclops shooting acid out of his tits I'd have a problem with it, but not Callisto.

The look of the characters is another rant. Juggernaut doesn't look like he does in the comics eh? I thought it was pretty much established in the first film that these characters have a drastically different look than in the comic. These characters are actually costumed to not look like freakin' idiots. Yeah, Juggernaut running around in a red suit of armor with his whole face concealed isn't going to work on film. Film is a different form of media than comic books so things have to be changed. If the costumes were comic accurate, we'd end up with an X-Men movie that looks like that Marvel Superheroes MasterCard ad that aired a year or two ago. Yeah, that looks real professional.

Ypu people are allowed to have as many complaints as you want, as long as the complaintes make sense. Yes, I have complaits about the film, but they're complaints that are legitimate, like the length of the film. If you haven't seen the film, go see it. If you have seen it already, then thank you for your patronige, and drink Sprite.

Alrighty, on to the DVD reviews for this coming Tuesday:

• Alf: Season Three - Yeah......I don't think I'll be spending my cash on this.
• Date Movie - I'd actually take a date to this film if I wanted to give her the impression that I hated her and had horrible taste.
  
• The Dukes of Hazard: The Complete Sixth Season - Hell No.
• Joey: The Complete First Season - I Hate NBC for this reason.
  
• The Kids in the Hall: Complete Season 4: Now this is some quality DVD material right here.
• Riddick Trilogy - Like anyone bought the Chronicles of Riddick when it first came out? Oh yeah, Samantha did. That bitch. Now, we're supposed to want to buy it along with Pitch Black and the animated Riddick movie? Fuct that. I'll stick with Pitch Black and the XBox game that kicks ass.
• Will & Grace: Series Finale - JUST DIE ALREADY!!! STOP MAKING THESE DVDS!!!

That it for DVDs this week. Pretty shitty I dare say. Honestly the DVD releases kinda blow until June 20th.

If I'm bored on Monday, i'll review a made for TV movie I saw last week, if not, I'll post here a week from now and you'll like it that way.

Perform your Civic Duties

I'm not talking about voting, or military service, or even jury duty. I'm talking about going to see X-Men 3 this coming Friday. It's been widely stated that this will be the last regular X-Men movie made. That is, unless it makes an assload of money at the box office, in which case, the money-grubbing whores at Fox will continue the series. Sure, they haven't confirmed or denied this, but let's face it, they like their money, and continuing a proven series is better than taking a chance on the next shitty idea some hack comes up with.

So go see it and bask in its mutanty goodness.

On to entertainment news: The CW network has apparently passed on the series Mercy Reef. Mercy Reef, if you didn't know, was the Smallville-ized version of Aquaman. Smallville fans are all pissing and moaning because this series wasn't picked up and from a leaked trailer, it appears as if this show would have been good. But it isn't good, and we all know it. Sure, Smallville has a large fan base, but personally, I think it's a rather shittty show. Mercy Reef wouldn't have been any better. Let's put it into perspective. The CW network is a merger between the WB and UPN networks, both of which pretty much sucked except for a few kick-ass cartoons on the WB. I can't even begin to list the shitty shows that were aired and were ultimately cancelled on these two networks. Even the shows that lasted are crap. 7th Heaven my ass, more like 7th Level of Hell. The WB picked up the show Reba, yet the CW passed on Mercy Reef. That has to tell you that Mercy Reef is worse than Reba. How that's possible, I'm not sure. No one can say that the CW admin passed on it simply because it's a "comic book" property. In fact, since comic book properties are in demand right now, you think that would have pushed them to put it on the primetime lineup. I mean, the WB aired Birds of Prey. Fucking Birds of Prey.

Stupid MotherFucker of the Week
Only the winner of this award would scream obscenities at a copy machine because it doesn't do exactly what he wants it to do. Only the Stupidest MoFo would perform this display of childish testosterone in a library. People come to a library to study? Balderdash! Why, it's not your fault the copier is spitting out 100 copies, I mean it's not like, in your ignorance, you actually told it to make 100 copies. So really, it's only fair that you have the right to yell at the copier in a quiet library. It's only right that you start slamming the copier around in a vain attempt to cease its mindless copying. You could have just gone quietly to the library staff and informed them of the problem, which could have been quickly and easily resolved, but you're too efficient to bother with that nonsense. Now, everyone who was in the library at that time knows that the copier is a fucking piece of shit, in fact, people who were out in the hall at the time probably know it too.

Well, I have some advice for you as well as the award. Grow the fuck up. You're a researcher in a medical institution so instead of acting reasonably, you throw a tantrum like a fucking 4 year old. I don't give a rat's ass how shitty your day was up until that point, because no excuse is good enough to allow your behavior. And as for the severe beating you gave the copier: It isn't your wife so knocking it around isn't going to make it cook you dinner faster or stop copying at your command. I'm sure your boss would love to get the repair bill had you actually broke the copier. You not only win the award this week, but you win my contempt. Congratulations.

DVD Releases
Like the bolded section header eh? I'm getting pretty good at this "typing" thing. This is also the Special Your Mom Edition of DVD Releases. See if you can spot the cleverly concealed mom jokes.

• The 4400: The Complete Second Season - I'd watch this, unfortunately I never saw the 1st season. If I'm correct, it's a documentary about your mom and how many people she's had sex with.
• BloodRayne (Unrated Director's Cut) - Another Uwe Boll classic! If I were given the chance to punch one Hollywood director in the face, this would be the guy I'd hit. Video game movies are bad enough without you making them even worse. Just stop. Please, just stop.
• The Boondock Saints (Unrated Special Edition) - This film has a pretty big cult following. I almost feel ashamed that I haven't seen it yet. It, like your mom, is on my to-watch list.
• Boston Legal: Season One - I've given my positive review of this show before and it's definately worth a rental if you have the time.
• Cheaper by the Dozen 2 - Like the 1st film needed a sequel. Don't bother ever seeing this film. I'll be generous and let you make the mom joke for this title since it has so many possibilities. Post the joke in the comments section please.
• Deadwood: The Complete Second Season - Once again, a show that has been praised that I've yet to see. I can't make a mom joke about Deadwood, but I can sure make a joke about you.
• Hollow Man 2 - What? More than 6 people liked the 1st one? Obviously, this is a direct-to-video title. Oh sweet, it stars Christian Slater! If that isn't a reason to see this film, I don't know what is.
• Kingdom of Heaven: 4-Disc Director's Cut - Four fuckin' discs for this film? That's a bit of an overkill if you ask me.
• Samurai Jack: Season 3 - Once again, a show I haven't seen. I feel so alone.
• TransAmerica - Wow, a film about a pre-operative male-to-female transsexual. Gee, I wonder how this film relates to your mother.
• Will & Grace: Series Finale - This show is finally over! Sure, it will always torment me through reruns, but there will never be another new episode of this piece-of-shit show ever again!
• WWE: Wrestlemania 22 - Your mom was originally scheduled to perform is this annual tradition, but unfortunately, she could couldn't get her weight down enough to qualify for the Heavyweight class.

That's it for now. Feel free to advertise both my blog and any of my sexual accomplishments on any bathroom stall you see fit. There should be space on the stall wall right next to your mom's phone number.

The return of your savior

Not Jesus Christ, but me. We all know Jesus Christ isn't real you silly fools! I have returned from my vacation and let me say, it sucks to be back.

This post may be a bit long for some of you with a short attention span. I will get to both the DVD reviews and a review of MI3 if you stick with me.

So, after going on my vacation and having to come back to Denver, I've realized how great Denver really is. Sure, it has its issues, but it's certainly no Nebraska. I do miss aspects of Nebraska, such as the friends I've left behind in the squallor, but it's really nice not being a hick anymore. And believe me, even with my education and upbringing, I was still partially a hick. Living in Denver, I don't hear the redneck analogies that I used to hear all of the time in Nebraska. Here's a list of analogies I've heard while in Nebraska:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's ass in a pepper patch."
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"I'm on it like a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat."
And one of my personal favorites: "He's moving faster'n a striped-ass ape with his balls on fire!"

As for that last one...COME ON! Now you're just making shit up! The rest kind of make sense, but really, the last one? First of all, what is a striped-ass ape and does it really move all that fast in the first place? Secondly, with its balls on fire, would this ape move fast or would it just stand there screaming while pounding his gonads with his fists in a vain attempt to put out the fire? I'll give credit where credit is due for the creative redneck analogies, but they have to at least make sense. Even though I've lost a lot of my hick-heritage, I can at least create some good analogies. Take this one for instance: "It's slicker'n a greased up pig in a wicker basket." You see, that's what makes a redneck analogy good, the repitition of fact. I could have just said that it's slicker than a greased up pig, and you would have gotten the idea that it's pretty damn slick, but I took the extra step and added the wicker basket part. Does it make a lot of sense? Well of course not, but no one hearing that statement would ever think that a greased up pig in a wicker basket wouldn't be slick.

Let's move on to someone who isn't very slick, for it's time for:
Stupid MotherFucker of the Week
This award goes to a woman who was in line in front of me at a Target in Kansas. She put her debit/credit card into the little keypad thing. This is how the transaction went down:

Checker: "If you don't want to run it as a debit card, tap Cancel, then tap Credit."
Stupid Bitch: "So I tap Credit now? Oh, so you'll just send me a bill for this?"
Checker: *Stunned silence*

It's a fucking bank card you ignorant slut. Sure, it's Kansas, but Kansas has had electricity and bank cards for at least 3 years now. Learn the basics you freakin' moron! This is why I'm glad I don't work retail anymore.

So yes it's movie review time. I saw Mission Impossible 3 the other night, or as the young hipsters call it: MI3. So, the question is: Is this film any good?

Well, the general feeling on the first two MI movies is that the first, while good, was a bit slow and confusing, while the second one was a piece of crap filled with unexplainably unperformable action scenes. MI3 is definately the best in the series, but like I said, that isn't saying much comparing it to its predacessors so we'll judge it on its own merits.

First of all, the director J.J. Abrams knows how to set up the tension and develop characters. He, unlike John Woo, doesn't need to fill the entire movie with explosions to entertain the audience. The television show Lost, which Abrams created and produces, isn't filled with a lot of gunshots or explosions, but when they do appear, they mean more because we truly care abut the characters and what happens to them due to good development. Abrams really can't develop Cruise's character very much, but he sets up the supporting characters as much as possible without slowing the film down.

As for the tension, Abrams starts it from the very beginning. The opening scene isn't an action packed intro to Ethan Hunt's character like we've seen before, instead it's a tense scene that lets you know how fucked Ethan Hunt is going to be as the film progresses.

The acting is pretty good. I still think Tom Cruise tries to be Tom Cruise a bit too much. I can't explain it any other way than that. It's not an unbelievable performance, but it could be better. As for Hoffman's performance as the main villian Owen Davian, Sweet Christman that Hoffman guy is good. He transforms what could be a third-rate villian into the guy that would beat you to death with a burlap sack full of puppies just by his protrayal of the character. A side note of trivia about the villian: Originally Kenneth Branagh was to be the villian but had to drop out due to other commitments. THANK FUCKING GOD. Hoffman makes the movie better with his acting where as Branagh would have just pissed me off with his "Oh look at me, I'm so damn good" attitude.

This film does have a problem or two. J.J. Abrams likes throwing plot twists into his shows. Watch Lost or Alias for many examples. The main plot twist is obvious from the start. If you're going to throw a plot twist at us, at least make it a bit less obvious. I didn't hear a single person in the audience make one of those "I'm so shocked" gasp that you can hear if you really listen in a crowded theater.

Overall, it was a darn good film. Another plus is that you don't have to watch the first 2 to watch this one. Each movie is its own self contained story.

Put on your funny hats because it's DVD time! Tomorrow's releases are:

• Con Air: Extended Unrated Edition - An entertaining film, but I've always been annoyed by Cage's stupid-ass accent that's completely unbelievable.
• Enemy of the State: Extended Unrated Edition - Once again, not a terribly bad film, but it has its problems. Chances are the extra footage won't amount to much.
• Napoleon Dynamite: Like, the Best Special Edition Ever! - So many people have told me that I need to see this film that I've rebelled against those tools and haven't watched it yet. Maybe it's good, and maybe it sucks, but when everyone tells me I "Need" to see it, I don't really feel like I "Need" to see it as much.
• The Producers (Widescreen) - I'm not too sure about this one. I like good theather as much as the next artsy-guy, but sometimes theater-to-film transfers end up feeling like just another attempt to make more money. Take Rent for example. I couldn't watch more than 20 minutes of that crap. Just pay your GodDamn rent and shut the fuck up.
• When a Stranger Calls - We've traced the shitty movie, and it's coming from inside this DVD! That was a forced joke, but face it, it was mildly funny.

That's it. I'm spent.

FUCK TITLES!!!

If this were a normal week, I'd have posted yesterday, but this isn't a normal week, so piss off.

But read my blog before you piss off.

It isn't a normal week because I called in sick to work yesterday, hence no internet access to post. Also, I'm going on vacation this Friday so that makes this week doubleplus good. Of course, this vacation means that I may not get to post here for the next two Mondays.

It's cold here. I mean it's "it snowed yesterday" cold. Aren't we supposed to be enjoying lovely spring weather now, not more freakin' snow? I've finally got a balcony of my own at my apartment and I can't even enjoy it. On Sunday, when it was nice outside, I was enjoying the balcony until the hail started to reign down upon me. That Mother Nature is one cruel bitch.

I'm actually going to start an award on this Blog and I will do so every week hereafter. This award will be called:
Stupid MotherFucker of the Week
The winner of the first award given goes to Marge, a checker at a Denver area Wal-Mart. Marge may do a lot of stupid shit each and every day, but it was her exceptional stupidity on the night of Friday, April 21 that really impressed me. My friend Shane had an item that he wanted Marge to scan to determine the price of said item. You see, there was no price on the item. Marge looked at the barcode on the back of the package and said to us: "This isn't going to scan, the barcode is gone." In actuality, the barcode was intact, however, the numbers under the barcode had been torn off. Marge was ignorant enough to believe that the scanner read numbers and not the complex machine-readable barcode above the numbers. She started to argue with us that it wouldn't scan until Shane passed it over the scanner, causing both a beep from the register, and an awed gasp from Marge. So, here's to you Marge, the first Stupid MotherFucker of the Week Award, for spending 8 hours a day, 5 days a week at a register and not having a fucking clue how the scanner works. Congratulations you ignorant whore.

Because of my absence for the next few weeks, I think I'll review the upcoming DVDs for today and the next 2 Tuesdays so that you mindless lemmings don't have to think for yourselves.

Today:

• 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1997) - A made for television adaptation of the classic story. Another made for television version was debuted around this same time oddly enough. One starred Ben Cross as Captain Nemo; however, this one stars none other than Michael Caine as Nemo. I've heard conflicting reports on this version, but since it's Caine, I'll try to find it to give it a rent.
• Aeon Flux: Special Collector's Edition (Widescreen) - Quite possibly one of the worst reviewed movies of the year. Even though I'd like to see it, I'll admit that it probably Sux Dich.
• American Dad! Volume 1 - Admitidly not as good as Family Guy, this show does elicit a good laugh or two from time to time. Patrick Stewart lends his voice to this show, so there's at least one reaon to buy it.
• Dr. Dolittle 3 - I can hear my excrement talking, and it says that it stinks less than this film. Eddie Murphy isn't in this, and he thought Beverly Hills Cop 3 was a good choice. A clue? Perhaps....
• Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children - Another beautifully animated feature from Square. Unfortunately, I've heard this movie is a bit confusing if you've never played the game it's based on, which I haven't. I'll still rent it though.
• The Replacement Killers (Extended Cut) - Awwww, I just bought the regular release 4 months ago. Why couldn't I have waited?
• The Wedding Singer: Totally Awesome Edition - Dude!! This release is like, so totally unnecesary!

May 2:

• 3rd Rock from the Sun: Season 4 - This is right about the time this show starts to go downhill.
• Dinosaurs: The Complete First and Second Seasons - You have to remember this show! I remember it being funny, but I also think wheelchair jokes are funny.
• Leave It to Beaver: The Complete Second Season - Now, I was never a huge fan of this show, but how is it that all 4 seasons of Knight Rider are released before all the seasons of a television classic such as this? It makes no sense at all.
• Red Dwarf VIII: The Original and Extended Series - British humor in space. Now if only they would release the BlackAdder series' on DVD, I'd be a happy man. Well shit. I just found out BlackAdder has been released on DVD.

May 9:

• Big Momma's House 2 - I pray to Xorajhim and his kill-drones that I never have to endure this filth.
• Munich (2-Disc Limited Edition) - I'm putting this on my definate rental list.
• The Poseidon Adventure: Special Edition - Just in time for the remake to hit theatres. This was a pretty good film. GodDamn depressing though.
• Rumor Has It... (Widescreen) - Not that I'm the type of person to gossip, but I've heard through my cousin Carrie who heard it from my Aunt that this movie blows hard.
• Scrubs: The Complete Third Season - One of the few sitcoms I can watch without being nauseated by the obvious jokes that most all other sitcoms call comedy.

I could review more, but it's about lunchtime and I need me my food.

OK, Piss off now.

Early Warning System

Yes, I'm posting early. No, I don't care that it throws off your entire schedule.

I'm going to start this blog off with something new. I'm going to run down a select list of SPAM e-mails that I've gotten. You will see the subject of the E-Mail in bold, followed by my comments:

• Fair Russian Sluts in Porno!
  It’s about damn time. I’ve become quite tired of watching hot Russian sluts in porno, and now I’m ready to see some average looking sluts take it in the ass.
  
• Mmmmmmmmmmmm Doughnuts!
  Appealing to my insatiable appetite is a step in the right direction.
  
• SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT Blonde gets herself off - Well, I’m sure glad they warned me that it’s sexually explicit. I was just going to open that message up in eager anticipation to see a hot blonde step off the bus.
  
• Get an Electric Wheelchair with zero or little cost to you
  This one’s trying to appeal to my sloth-like nature. It’s a tempting offer, but if I were to get an electric wheelchair, people would assume I’m crippled, and I can’t have that now. Did you know some actually consider crippled people alive?!
  
• The patented Longevity HGHR formula from Germany
  Of course I’ll trust the Germans with a life extension breakthrough, I mean, look how well they did with extending the lives of the Jews.
  
• Great Clips vs. Fantastic Sams - Vote Now
  Remember kids, voting is important. More so in a Presidential election then this one, but let your voice be heard! If you don’t, only you can be to blame when Great Clips invades Libya looking for the Shampoos of Mass Destruction.
  
• ;) message from Gino Hamlin
  Ah, I haven’t heard from Gino since I was in Middle Earth fighting the Orcs for control of Rohan.
  
• SMC Home Business Information
  A business named the same as my initials? This just has to be legit.
  
• [none] An excellent title. It gives us a teaser of the spam message without giving away too much.

Now on to the bitching:

Every time I want to use one of those handy price scanners at Wal-Mart, I can’t. There are two scenarios that can play out providing me with more fuel for my undying hatred.

1. Every price scanner in the immediate area says: “Price Scanner Unavailable” or “Item Information not found. Please see an associate.” This means, in order to find out the price, I have to take it to a register and stand in line, or track down the ignorant teenage bastard in a blue smock just so he can tell me that he can’t check the price because the scanners are down.
2.Someone else is using it. Not someone with intelligence mind you. I’m talking about the decrepit half-blind 80-year old hag who takes 5 minutes trying to scan her item but can’t really figure out how to use this amazing new piece of technology. She’ll run the item under, over, and beside the scanner at every angle possible. She’ll then look at the scanner like it’s the problem the tap the scanner with her item to see if that will help. She’ll then move to the next step, which is talking to the scanner in a vain attempt to verbally persuade the scanner to give up its information. And, if it isn’t an old person at the scanner, it’s the child who, while their parent’s attention is turned toward other shiny objects, proceeds to scan every single item in the cart just to hear it beep. And, if it isn’t the old person or the child, it’s the white-trash trailer-park couple who has to scan everything in their cart to make sure they gots them the prices right. Every scan followed by: “I thoughts this was four fifty, not four sixty. Should we put it back or keep it?” I’ll tell you where to fuckin’ put it.

Now I understand it isn’t just “my” scanner, but there’s ALWAYS some shitclown ahead of me fucking with the scanner. Just get the fuck out of the way so I can scan my one goddamn item. At least be considerate.


I’ve discovered that people too stupid to work at a Wal-Mart go to work at Rite-Aids. A Rite-Aid is very much like a Walgreen’s. I found this out via a phone call. You see, I’m looking for this figure here:

This is a Doombot from the Fantastic Four movie line. This is rare and isn’t hitting your typical places like Wal-Marts and TRUs. This goes for around $60 on Ebay. I found one at a Rite-Aid. I decided to call Rite-Aids in the area to see if they had any more. This is the conversation I had with an employee at a Rite-Aid:

Rite-Aid (RA) – Hello this is Rite-Aid. Monica speaking.
Me – Hello, I was wondering if you could check on a product for me.
RA – Of course, what are you looking for?
Me – It’s a toy actually. A Fantastic 4 movie toy. It’s called a Doombot and it’s a big green robot-looking thing.
RA – Let me check, I’ll be right back.
-A Few Minutes Passes-
RA – Hello Sir? I’m sorry, all we have is a gold robot named Ah-Mah-Zo and a Superman. (yes, she pronounced it ah-mah-zo.)
Me – (urge to kill rising) Uh thanks a lot.

This is a picture of what she found:

Now I can understand commonplace stupidity, but this stupidity transcends the laws of physics. I asked for Fantastic Four, and she looked for Justice League. Different company, different comic universe, different scale, different price, and most importantly, DIFFERENT FUCKING NAME! The closest I can get to her train of thought is that Justice is Fantastic and they had 4 Justice League figs on the pegs; therefore, Fantastic 4. I was so pissed I stopped by that Rite-Aid, and sure enough, they had some Fantastic 4 figs, not only on the pegs, but the peg directly above the Justice League figs. I’m aware that you don’t need years of education to work at a Rite-Aid, but the ability to read would sure be a nice quality to have.

It’s DVD review time!!! Put on your party hats and prepare to be amazed….

Doogie Howser, M.D.: Season Four – The amazement ceases before it ever began.

Event Horizon (Special Collector's Edition) – I always liked this movie, and since I don’t already own it on DVD, this will be a necessary purchase. This movie, in my opinion, is a near perfect marriage of horror and sci-fi. Sure, there have been better, but this truly is a creepy-ass movie from start to finish.

Hostel – Another dumb horror flick.

Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis – Even though zombies can’t open doors, the title predicts that this movie will be about a zombie-city. Seems like a natural-enough progression, you know, from not being able to function to running the local zombie Starbucks. Would you like whipped cream on your Brainsaccino?

Thundercats: Season Two, Volume One – If I wasn’t so damn poor, I’d buy this shit in a heartbeat.

That’s it. Return next week for one of the worst DVD weeks in history. How’s that to make you want to come back?

The Easter Bunny is on his way.....

as are my parents. And, I swear to God, if my mom brings me a package of Peeps, I'll kick her in the stomach. For the longest time, no matter how many times I told good old mom how much I hated Peeps, she would forget and buy me some anyway. Sure, it's been a few years since she bought them for me, but I figure this is right about the time for her to forget and buy me a big package of them.

Honestly though, I could never kick my own mother in the stomach. I'd pay someone else to do it.

What my mother will be bringing me however, is an 8 bottle wine cooler. Not the kind of wine cooler that 14 year olds drink in a misguided attempt to be cool, but an electric refridgerator-type appliance to chill 8 tasty bottles of wine. How sweet is that? Most moms and dads buy their children clothes and coasters and such. My parents are bringing me an appliance for the sole purpose of booze storage. This addition will free up valuable space in the refridgerator for other necessities such as more beer.

I went to a toy show yeaterday. You'd think that Denver, being a major city and all, would be able to put on a respectable toy show. Well, it can't. Upon entering the show, I found out that Richard Hatch was a guest. No, not the Richard Hatch who ran around naken on Survivor. I'm talking about the man who played Apollo on the original Battlestar Galactica and who plays Tom Zarek on the new Battlestar Galactica. I was consideing getting his autograph until I saw he was charging $20 for it. Frak you Dick. If it wasn't for the new Battlesar Galactica show, Dick would still be living in the past, writing shitty BSG novels, and hoping for the chance to once again don the uniform of Apollo, all the while crying inside knowing his career was over. Dick owes me $20 for not openly mocking him as I walked past him.

I'm going to California with Samantha in the 1st week of May for her parent's birthday parties. It isn't the trip or her parents that I have a problem with. California itself is the problem, at least the Bay area where her parents live. I absolutley DESPISE that area. Sure, there's a lot to do and a lot to see, but it's overly crowded, overly expensive, and full of pompous dickheads who think they're better than you because they can afford to live there. And, the traffic blows. I feel like a small Asian man on a trike in the middle of Beijing traffic while I'm in San Francisco, and I've driven in some shitty cities before.

Now I'm sad because I don't have a trike.

I received my spiffy new X-Box from my buddy Travis last week. When I say "new", I really mean "Used but Enhanced." I have so many games to play, but recently I;ve been playing Burnout 3 - Takedown. It really is quite stress relieving to both race and crash as many other cars as you possibly can on crowded city streets. I discovered that games can have an effect on human behavior when driving to a Wal-Mart after playing the game, I had the urge to ram the old hag in the Camry in front of me and send her flipping into a ditch. From now on, I will take a few minutes break between playing this game and driving to avoid horrible accidents and multiple-year prison sentences for Vehicular Manslaughter.

Are you prepared to learn all that I know about DVD releases this week? If not, turn back now. You have been warned.

• Bugsy Malone - I may actually buy this one. What is it you may ask? It's actually a gangster musical starring children only. Yes, it does sound quite stupid, but I watched it a lot as a child so I'm quite fond of it. This film is also one of Jodie Foster's first.
• Fun with Dick and Jane - I'll rent this. , but to be honest, I'm tiring of Carrey in the comedic roles. Sure, he can be funny, but his dramatic roles are quite good.
• The Greatest Game Ever Played - Another one of those Disney "Oh look how inspirational this true story of this sports related acheivement is." Although Golf is hardly a sport. And much like Golf, this movie is probably very tedious.
• Mission: Impossible/M:I-2 - A two-in-one review. The first film = Pretty good. The second film = Filth. I'll buy the 1st one since I don't already own it. As for the second one, if I didn't already own it, I still wouldn't buy it. I don't know why I bought it in the first place. MI:2 was part of the IMF itself. The Implausible Movie Force.
• Wolf Creek (Unrated) - Yet ANOTHER stupid-ass horror film where some guy runs around killing people. I'm really becoming tired of seeing titles like this on the DVD release lists. Movies like this make me wish for the sweet embrace of death, or at least a fried foods induced coma.

So that's it for the DVD releases this week. Next week is pretty slow too so you may just want to buy a Nerf ball and throw it around to amuse yourself for the time being.

TACOS!!!!!!!

So I got a 36 cent raise last week. That was nice. Even nicer, my boss wants to promote me from the Tech1 position to a Tech 2 position. This would mean an additional raise of at least $1.18 an hour, if not more. This will help offset the cutting of my hours from 40 down to 32 a week. I'll get more money, and I'll be able to sleep until 10 A.M. on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I know, you wish you had my job, but you're not a librarian now are you? And, even if you were, you'd fail at it miserably.

I've always liked tacos, but I've never realized before this weekend how perfect thety are. First of all, they contain all 4 food groups, at least all 4 based off of the old food charts that I learned as a wee little lad. Secondly, the taco container is also part of the edible portion of the taco itself. Isn't this just freakin' amazing?! You can't eat a milk carton, or a cereal box, but you can sure eat the taco shell. Thirdly, the taco is highly adaptable. Don't care for beef? Well then, substiute it with chicken. Lactose intolerant? Leave off the cheese. Like things hot? Add some taco sauce. Want a sit-down meal? They make taco bowls too you know. Fourthly, tacos are cheap. Not only is the purchase price of a taco reasonable, but the manufacturing costs are quite low when illegal mexican immigrants are used as taco makers at near slave-like wages. Fiftly, and lastly, tacos are available everywhere! Taco Bell, Taco Johns, Amigos, Del Taco, and thousands of portable mexican taco stands conveniently located next to vetrinary clinics everywhere make tacos easily accesible to everyone in need of nourishment, except for Hobos. Hobos can't have tacos, for the nourishment provided by them can give them an unexpected burst of speed, making my job a lot more difficult. Think about it, tacos are the perfect food. just try and find something bad about a taco. Just try.

I've said all of this before, but I must say it again:

I hate children.

These tiny little meat-sacks run around screaming and whining with their hands all sticky from God knows what while shoving crap into their food-holes breaking valuables and generally causing everything they come in contact with to reek of the same fetid stench they themselves reek of.

I can't even go into a ToysRUs without having some little fuckturd almost plow into me with a scooter, powerwheels, bike, or other riding device that their parents should keep them off of. I shouldn't have to dodge and weave around the Kiddie Grand-Prix just to get my toy fix. I'm an out-of-shape librarian, I'm not designed to move that fast, nor could I ever except in the event of hostile Hobo takeover of Earth. The gun shop told me I was buying too many weapons, but when the Hobos attack, they'll wish they're as prepared as I am.

These same bastard children then end up in the same movie theater as I am, all the while asking questions, repeating lines, and not shutting-the-fuck-up for the entire film. I've got a movie for you kid. It's called: "It's Your Fault: The Story of How Your Mommy's Going to Die Tonight Because You Couldn't Be Quiet."

Honestly, I believe that children are the universe's equivalent of biological warfare. They're an assault on all 5 senses. They look horrible with slobber and mud and old food caked on their wretched bodies. They're sticky to the touch. They sound horrible, crying and yelling and blathering all the damn time. They smell ungodly bad from wallowing around in their own filth. And, as for taste, I'm sure they don't taste too good either. Unless of course you lightly season your child with some Mrs. Dash while roasting it over an open fire.

Old people suck too. They also smell.

So let us discuss films. The movie Slither is out now and it looks pretty dumb to me. All who know me know that I'm not a huge horror fan. Now Slither is horror/comedy, but still, no amount of humor can make me digest the horrible plot devices and needless special effects gore that is present in most modern day horror. My question is: How can this movie have an 86% rating on RottenTomatoes? Critics love this movie. It has the same rating as Brokeback Mountain and A History of Violence for christsakes. Now I've never seen BBM, but it was at least nominated for best picture, and A History of Violence was damn good. Capote and Good Night, and Good Luck have higher ratings, but not much higher. Also, it has a higher rating than V for Vendetta. Now V might have had it's problems, but it's definately better than alien slugs and toilet humor involving said alien slugs.

On to the DVD releases for this week. It's no Monkey-Fest this week, but it'll do.

• The A-Team: Season Four - I didn't buy the first 3 seasons, so this isn't looking likely either.
• Blue Thunder (Special Edition) - Some say this was better, while some say Airwolf was better. Either way, you get to watch a super-helicoptor kick some ass. Personally, I prefer Airwolf for both the action and helicoptor design, but as far as cast goes, Blue Thunder has Roy Scheider and Malcolm McDowell whereas Airwolf had Jan-Michael Vincent and Ernest Borgnine. Blue Thunder wins that round hands-down.
• Brokeback Mountain (Widescreen) - Usually, sappy dramas aren't my thing no matter if the characters are gay or straight. Personally, I think this movie was nominated for best picture based on the content of the movie and not the actual merits of the film, but I could be wrong. Sadly, the media has made so many gay cowboy jokes that I can't make one without seeming like a tool. However, if you need any gay cripple jokes, I'm the go-to-guy.
• The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe (Special Two-Disc Collector's Edition) - This film was ok, but I walked out of the theater feeling somewhat dissapointed. I'm not really sure why. I think part of it was the lack of character development. Sure, we get a good idea of what the characters are like, but I never really connected with them at all. I really didn't give a shit whether they all died or not. It's watchable and somewhat enjoyable, but lacking the something that would make it a really good film.
• Crash: 2-Disc Special Edition - The winner of Best Picture at the Academy Awards. Once again, the content of this film was the strong point, not the film itself. "Oh this movie deals with racial tension and black people and we just have to vote for this one because it's so controversial" This film shouldn't have won best picture, because it simply wasn't the best film, but because of the content it got pushed to the top.
• Knight Rider: Season Four - The final season of Knight Rider means only one thing: Team Knight Rider on DVD can't be far behind! I'm going to go cry now.
• Magnum, P.I.: Season Four - I haven't bought any of these sets, but I stand by the opinion that this was a pretty good show. I've been catching reruns every so often and it's so much better than either The A-Team or Knight Rider could ever hope to be.
• Star Trek: Fan Collective - Time Travel - Definately more affordable then the $100 season boxed sets.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Season 4 - Oh the memories this show brings back. If you don't like this show, you're a dirty, vodka-sucking Communist. Don't try to deny it Vladimir, I know your game.
• Tripping the Rift: Season 2 - Whereas I don't care for toilet humor in films, toilet humor in short animated cartoons is perfectly acceptable.

Stock up on DVDs this week, because next week really blows.