My response about Senator Miller's statements

That was a great little speech Andy, and I respect your opinions; however, I’d like to respond to your statements, and your factual errors.

Wal-Marts aren’t all that bad. If it wasn’t for Wal-Marts, and their new affordable prescription plan, poor folk like your mother wouldn’t be able to afford their herpes medication.

Cheez-its are a wonderful snack food, and I challenge you to find evidence to the contrary. You can make these outrageous claims all you want, but the American people deserve the truth, the same American people who happily grow fat on Cheez-its. I’d also like to take this opportunity to re-state my position that I dislike fat people.

Your plan for foreign countries seems like a great idea and all, but you’re living in a dream world. Sure, that terrorist will eat his gourmet cookie and watch Wall-e, but then he’ll say to himself, “I’ve still got time, I should go watch another of these fine and enjoyable American films.” The terrorist will then pay to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and his anger at us will grow to unimaginable heights. You think 9-11 was horrible? Just wait until the post-Chihuahua attacks start, and then you’ll be truly sorry.

I am entirely pro-choice. If I’m elected, I can assure you that someone will try to assassinate me. I’m going to need a human shield, and there’s only so much the Secret Service can do. God bless the Secret Service and all, but there’s only so much they can do. One needs a lightweight meat shield to toss up in front of you in a hurry. Tell me I’m wrong Senator Miller. You know I’m right on this issue.

For the record, you voted against essential funding for troop equipment. Kermit wouldn’t have died if he had proper body armor to protect him from the roadside I.E.D. that tragically took his, and Dr. Teeth’s, life. I voted for the troop funding. I was also at Kermit’s funeral. Where were you?

I never said that the ability to fire a shoulder-mounted rocket at a moving vehicle qualifies a person to teach, but it is a really fucking cool skill to have.

Lions in the jungle? What does that have to do with the issues? You’re just insulting the American people with your techniques to distract them from your inexperience. How about you stay on target and focus on the issues at hand?

I was at Dana College for four and a half years, not five and a half. You insult librarians, but maybe if you picked up a book that contained facts, as opposed to your normal reading of poetry and pornography, you’d have the ability to write a campaign speech that actually makes sense.

I’m not an egotistical man. By definition, egotism is an inflated sense of self-importance. This implies that an egotistical person really isn’t as important as he or she thinks. It’s a well known fact that I’m better than Senator Miller.

Despite Miller’s claims to the contrary, he is inferior to me, and his everyday actions prove it. He paints. Painting is a clear sign of arrogance. He’s also a wine-snob. He may tell you he’s not, but he’s a big stupid liar, and his pants are probably on fire. Right this instance, Senator Miller is sitting cross-legged, like many bisexuals, in his lounge chair with a glass of merlot in one hand, and a paintbrush in the other. No doubt painting a picture of himself having sexual relations with John Q. Public’s sister.

Senator Miller said himself that he shops at a grocery store called “Giant Eagle.” Of course he does. Only an unpatriotic individual like Andy would buy his groceries in the hollowed out corpse of a bald eagle, a mighty symbol of this great nation. Senator Miller not only buys his organic tofu-based foods in the belly of the once proud animal, but he also buys little 4 by 6 inch American flags, so that he can wipe his ass with them.

Senator Miler is the wrong choice. If you elect him, he’ll pee on your dog. If you don’t have a dog, he’ll go to the animal shelter and adopt one for you just so he can pee on it. And, once he’s through with that, he’ll put the dog to sleep anyway. Do you want a urine-soaked canine decomposing in your yard, or worse yet, your apartment? Of course you don’t want that. Vote for me, and I promise you the changes you want, not that changes that Senator Miller wants. If he gets his way, sex with animals will not only be legal, but mandatory.

If we wanted to have sex with animals, we’d move to Australia. Tell Senator Miller, no, scream at Senator Miller, “This is America mother fucker, and we’re not about to let you force animal sodomy upon us!”

Thank you for your time.