Ice and Poop

Yes, I will explain.

Ice. Ice was the cause of Samantha's car accident today. I am oficially both sick and tired of all this snow, ice, and bitter cold we've had here for over 2 months now. After today's mishap, if I ever see Jack Frost or Mother Nature, I'll kick them in the nuts. Mother Nature probably doesn't have nuts, but I'd do it anyway. Until today, Samantha has never had an accident. I've told her for years it was inevitable. I wasn't trying to jinx her, I was just stating a fact. I think everyone will be involved in some sort of car accident in their life.

I don't understand how she achieved the level of damage to her car that she did. Her car spun out and did a few 360's before smacking the curb. A curb huh? A curb probably wouldn't snap the front bumber in two and almost rip it from it's perch on the car frame. She tells me there was no other car involved, and I believe her, but something else had to be involved in this wreck. Maybe she didn't notice what it was while making the revolutions in terror, gripping the steering wheel in a vain attempt to locate traction that didn't exist, but something else was involved. It might have been a street sign, or a fence post, or a fire hydrant, I just don't know.

So it's going in to be looked at by our insurance company tomorrow. We have full coverage on it, so o matter what it costs to fix it, we just have to worry about our $500 deductable. $500 is a lot though, so I want to be pissed off, but I can't be. Accidents happen. I want to ask her why the hell she was going 30 to 35 mph on a possibly icy street, but truth be told, I would have been going the same speed. And, it was 5:30 A.M. so she didn't really even have a chance to see the skating rink she was plowing towards.

Now you want to hear about the poop don't you? Of course.

This will probably be a bit too much info, but we both know it won't stop you from reading. About 2 months ago I was stricken with the worst case of diarrhea I've ever had. I sat on the toilet so long, Sam told the post office to forward my mail there. I felt like I was going to die right there on the crapper. How god damn embarressing would that have been?

Let me move along to the point. Tonight while watching local news, I see that there has been a mass peanut butter recall because of a salmonella outbreak. The generic Wal-Mart peanut butter was listed as a source as was the Peter Pan brand. The product code of this tainted nut butter started with 2111. Well it appears that we have a jar of Wal-Mart peanut butter, and it seems to have a product code starting with 2111. Ninety percent of that jar of PB was empty. Sam doesn't eat a lot of peanut butter, so I probably consumed most of the tainted jar.

I had salmonella from fucking peanut butter. People die from salmonella and I got it from peanut butter? That doesn't seem right to me. I could understand it if I bit into a hunk of raw, warm trout, but peanut butter?

Apparently, I can send the PB lid into ConAgra foods in Omaha for a full refund. So I can spend 1 dollar to mail a PB lid in so I can get a whopping check for 2 dollars in return? Well that's just an awesomely generous move on the part of ConAgra. I get a dollar, and all I had to do to get it was sit on the pot for 20 hours straight shitting my guts out until I almost died.

FUCK YOU CONAGRA.

Oh I'll send the PB lid back to you, you glorious bastards, along with a stool sample for you to analyze.