Tickets Please!

It’s that time where I tell you what movies of note will be released in 2007. I’ll rate them according to this scale:
RMFR = Run Mother Fucker, Run! I’ll do everything in my power to avoid a film with this rating.
FIIK = Fuck If I Know. This means I’m undecided.
AM = Andy’s Mom. This means I’ll see it, but there could be better films.
SY = Shit Yeah! A film I will definitely see.


Hannibal Rising – The previous Lecter films all have their charm, but that may be due the presence of Anthony Hopkins as the civilized psychopath. This film is about a young Lecter, hence no Hopkins. It doesn’t look all that interesting, but maybe as I see more, I’ll form a different opinion. FIIK

Ghost Rider – Another Marvel comic book movie. That certainly isn’t a bad thing. This is directed by the guy who directed Daredevil. Daredevil was surprisingly dark, as Ghost Rider needs to be. I have high hopes for this film. SY

Black Snake Moan – Everything I’ve heard of this film says that it’s great. I’ve heard these things about films that turned out to suck ballsack. It looks good, but it isn’t a priority. AM

The Hills Have Eyes 2 – Finally a horror film where teenagers are relentlessly stalked and brutally murdered by a, or a few, freakish killers. That was sarcasm. RMFR

Zodiac – Based off the true story of the Zodiac killer. It’s directed by Fincher, so that’s a plus, but I’m not big on these psychological killer flicks. FIIK

300 – Stylistically this movie is supposed to be fuckin’ amazing. They said that about Sin City too, and they were right, but the movie lacked in a lot of other ways. I’ve heard early reports that 300 is also lacking in the aspects that make a good movie great. AM

TMNT – That means Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for you ignorant fucks. The CG animation looks gorgeous and the dialogue I’ve heard so far seems pretty solid. SY

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters – Sure, the TV show can be extremely hilarious, but will this 22 minute show transfer into a 90 minute film well? I’ve heard that it doesn’t despite having Bruce Campbell voice a chicken nugget. FIIK

Are We Done Yet? – The sequel to the Ice Cube family film Are We There Yet? If you mean nausea, then yes, I am already there. RMFR

Grindhouse – Being a joint film between Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodrigeuz, a lot of rabid fanboys are going apeshit for this over-the-top kill fest. The trailer reminds me of Sin City and that’s a negative, although Kurt Russell stars in the Tarantino half of the film, and I do like Kurt Russell. FIIK

Hot Fuzz – A comedy from the makers of Shaun of the Dead about law enforcement in England. I think it’s funny that the English authorities believe they actually have any authority. AM

Pathfinder – What happens when Vikings and Native Americans meet? The answer is a lot of gore and sweet-ass fight scenes. Although not even close to historically accurate, this film looks like it has potential to entertain the shit out of me. AM

Spider-Man 3 – Anyone who isn’t looking forward to this movie reeks of poopie. That’s right, I said it, poopie. SY

28 Weeks Later – Because a good movie has to have a sequel. Honestly, I don’t know if 28 Days Later was good. I never watched it. FIIK

Shrek the Third – Although I have never been a huge fan of the 1st two, I admit they are quite funny. This will make an assload of money whether I see it or not. AM

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End – This franchise has been the biggest moviegoing surprise I’ve had in years. I thought the 1st one who be a childish and clichéd film. I was horribly wrong, and I’m glad I was since the sequel was just as good. This is in the top 5 films I must see this year. SY

Hostel: Part II – I have nothing good to say about this film. RMFR

Ocean's 13 – Based of installments 11 and 12, this one is a must see. SY

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer – Critics have bashed the hell out of the 1st film, and sure, it has some problems; however, the trailer for this film makes it look freakin’ awesome. SY

Evan Almighty – Despite being a Jim Carey film, I liked Bruce Almighty. I don’t think I’ll like this one near as much. FIIK

Live Free or Die Hard – Finally another Die Hard film! I love the Die Hard franchise so far. Len Weismann is directing this one, which gives me cause for concern. He’s the hack who directed both Underworld films. I’ll go to see it with reservations, but I’ll see it nonetheless. SY

Ratatouille – This year’s entry by Disney and Pixar centers around a rat who likes really good food. It looks like a better premise than Cars, which I haven’t seen despite being a Pixar fan. FIIK

Transformers – I don’t care what the bitchy-ass fanboys say about this film. This film looks like a spectacular robots, carnage, shit blowing up, over-the-top, mega-blockbuster of a film by Michael Bay. Bay does this kind of film a lot with mixed results, but in this case, I think it’s exactly the kind of movie needed to bring the Transformers to the big screen. SY

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – So far I’ve enjoyed all the other films in this series. I haven’t read any of the books, and I won’t because I want to be surprised when I see this in theatres. SY

The Simpsons Movie – I’d say that over 15 successful years on television is reason enough for this movie. SY

The Bourne Ultimatum – I really really liked the 1st 2 films, but since I haven’t yet seen any promotional materials for this yet, I’m not quite as stoked as I should be. AM

Rush Hour 3 – Parts 1 and 2 were funny, but I’m note sure if a 3rd part is needed. If anyone can do it well though, it’s Brett Ratner. FIIK

Halloween – This movie is just now being cast, but I’ve heard enough to know that it will most like be a piece of shit. There are some things that don’t need to be re-made, and Michael Myers is one of those things. RMFR

Resident Evil: Extinction – Both other Resident Evil flicks were kind of shitty, but I found myself more entertained than I should have been with them. I’m not saying this movie will be good, but part of me still wants to see it. AM

Bean II – I believe that Rowan Atkinson is a funny man, but chances are I won’t spend my cash to see it in theatres. FIIK

30 Days of Night – The graphic novel this is based on was actually frightening in a way most horror-based graphic novels can’t achieve. I’m not a huge fan of vampire films, but I’d like to see how well this gets translated. AM

Saw IV – Enough already. Just enough. Yes, these films make a great deal of money, but money shouldn’t be the reason behind pointless sequel after pointless sequel. Uwe Boll makes horrible sequels like Bloodrayne II, but he makes them because he wants to make them, not because it will make him a wealthy man.

Beowulf – Any fan of the original work would love to see a film that’s as close to the epic source material as possible. I’ve heard this film is just that. This could very well be a great film, but only time will tell. AM

I Am Legend – This is based upon the book I Am Legend. Clever huh? This has been adapted previously into film, most notably The Omega Man starring Charlton Heston. This adaptation will star Will Smith. I’ve always liked post-apocalyptic movies. AM

Alien vs. Predator 2 – I’m a big enough fan of the Alien and Predator fanchises that I’d like to be praising this film. I’d like to, but I can’t. Maybe it will be good, but most likely it will fail miserably. FIIK (and that’s being generous)

National Treasure: The Book of Secrets – The 1st film was another surprise film from Disney. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I’m hoping the sequel is as fun as its predecessor. SY

The following films do not yet have release dates. Their release in 2007 is certainly in question for a few of these.

Sunshine – This looks to be a dark and depressing sci-fi from the director of 28 Days Later. AM

Sin City 2 – This truly is an unneeded sequel. Some may be eagerly anticipating this, but I’m not. FIIK (Generosity yet again)

Spy-Hunter – A film based upon a video game. This genre hasn’t fared so well in the past, but I’m actually looking forward to this. The game Spy-Hunter really has no plot, so even if the film has no plot, who gives a shit? It’s just about a spy in a kick-ass car that drives around and blows shit up. Although I don’t know how good of a spy you can be when you drive around in a chromed car that turns into a speedboat. That’s a tad conspicuous. This Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson which gives me a little bit of hope since I actually enjoyed him in the movie Doom. AM

Day of the Dead – I liked the Dawn of the Dead re-make. I may like this remake as well, but honestly, I usually hate zombie films. FIIK

Highlander: The Source – As a nerd, I should say that I love Highlander. I like Highlander, and that’s about it. FIIK

The Punisher 2 – I would be a liar if I said I didn’t like the 1st one. I shouldn’t like it, because it honestly wasn’t all that good, but I’m definitely glad the sequel has a greenlight. SY

That’s it for now. I know I probably misspelled some actor or director names, which I really can’t stand doing, but I’m too lazy to look every name up on the IMDB right now. Live with it.