A few trivial bits....That you will read.....NOW!!!

This week has gone pretty well so far. Our new pet rabbit arrived yesterday. The poor creature was a little scared and stressed by the new cage and surroundings, but I have no doubt that he will adapt........or DIE!!! I'm just kidding about the die part, really I am. I've also picked up a bunch more toys, namely Marvel Legends Series 12 and a few from Series 11. The rest of Series 11 should arrive via mailman tomorrow. I'm quite pleased that with these two series', the quality of legends figs has returned to what I'm used to. Series 10 was somewhat shitty.

With the aid of a Borders giftcard from my brother, I picked up the complete series of American Gothic on DVD. I've only watched the pilot so far, and I'm not sure it's as good as I remember, but then again, what is? I used to think that Silverhawks was cool too. I was sadly mistaken on that one.

Just when I think I've bought all the toys I need for the time being, the toy industry shafts me again. ToyBiz's Fantastic 4 Classic figs are coming out, and I only want the Super Skrull, but of course, there's the normal version and 2 chase variants. ASSHOLES!!!!! Also, the DC Superheros line is starting to come out. I've waited long for the super-articulated Batman fig, along with Bane, Scarecrow, and a re-vamped Killer Croc......and I will not be denied.

I try to attend the G.I. Joe convention each year and this summer it will be held in...*drumroll please*....
New Orleans
What the fuck?! I know the major tourist areas of the city are still in fine shape, but bodies are still being pulled from buildings in certain parts of the city for cripe's sake. I'm well aware that this con will bring needed revenue to their battered city, but I think it's too damn soon. Plus, a lot of people aren't going to attend because they don't think it'll be worth it. I'll go if I can find the cash, or take it from a dead hobo, but a number of folks aren't going to bother.

Lastly, I saw The Cronicles of Narnia 2 days ago. Although it's gotten a number of fine reviews, I wasn't all that impressed. It never realled pulled me in enough so that I ever gave a crap about any of the characters. I must say though, talking Beavers are cool, and this movie had two of them. A thank you goes to the two beavers for their convincing protrayal of two beavers. I smell an Oscar nomination....or two.

Speaking of two, Frank Miller says he's working on the film Sin City 2. If you didn't like Sin City 1, you won't like this idea. And, you really won't like this: Ol' Frankie says if things go his way, they'll be 5 Sin City films. Frankie originally stopped taking part in Hollywood films because they butchered his work and turned it into crap, ergo Robocop2. Now, instead of submitting good work to be butchered into crap, he's just making the crap movies on his own and bypassing the middle man, ergo, saving both time and money. Now, I didn't mind Sin City all that much, but 5 fuckin' films?! You, Frank Miller, are both egotistical and a bastard, ergo, you're an egotistical bastard. I like saying ergo, it just sounds so damn pompous!

Christmas can suck my tiny tiny penis

Christmas is a joyous time for all, unless you have your vehicle broken into 2 days before Christmas. I don't mind the shattered passenger side window so much. I don't even mind having my stereo system stolen so much. What really pisses me off to no end was having my CD collection stolen. I never really counted, but I probably had around 200 CDs in my collection that I started around 1995. How the fuck am I supposed to replace all of those? Honestly, what kind of mother fucker steals someone's shit 2 days before Christmas? I mean that's just fuckin' cruel. Even though I joke about violence quite alot, I generally never mean it, until now. Some might just forgive this theif, but I really truly hope that he or she dies or becomes grievously wounded in the near future. I don't often pray, but while in church last night during the prayers of the people, I quietly asked God for the theif to be eaten alive by a bear while hiking in the woods listening to my CDs on a walkman he stole from someone else.

Also, I'm quite tired of people telling me that I shouldn't have left my CDs in the car and I shouldn't have left the face on my CD player. Yes, I'll admit, I fucked up there, but I'm sick of people telling me that like it's my fault or something. I'm not the son of a bitch who broke a window and took shit that wasn't mine. I didn't make that choice or tell him to do it. I may have made it easier for the bastard, but in the end, leaving the stuff in my car isn't an excuse. So to everyone who has told me this, including my mother: Shut the hell up.

I mentioned church earlier, which is another reason why this Christmas season has been particularly crappy. I only go to make the rest of my family happy, and I only go on Christmas. I can't explain why I hate sitting in church so much. Maybe it's because I'm a early prototype of the Antichrist, but whatever the reason, church annoys me. This service last night annoyed me for several reasons, including these:

• The candlelighter - People devote all this time, money, and faith to devote their lives to living as God wants them to live. So, you'd think the acolyte who lights the candles would care enough to light the candles in the correct manner. I've had quite a number of devout Christians bash my beliefs, so it really just pisses me off when one of these people don't give a shit enough to perform the service right, yet I'm a heathen cause I don't regularly go to church. Damn hypocrites.
• The pastor - If this guy was a superhero, his name would be Captain Boredom: Defender of Monotony.
• The music - In all the years christianity has been an organized religion, you'd think someone would have been able to write a good hymn. The music really freakin' sucks. Attend a church service and pay attention to the music. Every hymn was written by a hack.
• The pews - I'm sure there's some complicated reason behind it, but why are all pews made to be as uncomfortable as possible? Yes, Jesus died on the cross for all of us, but why do the pews have to inflict the same pain upon us? Add to this the 1,673 times we have to stand up and sit down during a service, and when it's all said and done, my poor hunched back is about ready to snap in two. Unless I can take my recliner, I'm not going to church ever again.
• The collection plate - I watched this old woman drop a check for $50 into the collection plate. I understand that these people really believe in this religion, but $50 could provide a low-income family with a few meals, especially this time of year. Insted the money will be spent buying more bread and wine, or to buy a new goblet to serve said wine in. God really doesn't need your money, and the fact that religion asks for, and sometimes demands, these donations is one of the many reasons why religion disgusts me. This being said, some churches do try and help the community with their donations, but still, it's the principle of the matter.
• Repitition - An hour long church service is basically a way for people to say thanks to the lord and God as many times as possible in as many ways as they can. Yes, I fuckin' get it, you are thankful to God, but Jesus H. Christ people, say it once or twice and move on with it already.
• The sermon - Each church service contains the sermon right ater the Gospel reading where the pastor tries to relate the gospel lesson to our own lives, often with a touching story or humorous anecdote with a moral message. I think this is insanelty boring, especially when told by Captain Boredom. I'm convinced that there's a secret society that provides these sermons to all pastors and that if you were to go to numerous churches on any given Sunday, you'd hear the exact same sermon at each church, with minor changes made to reflect differences in denomination, of course. If you watch closely, you'd see a courier in a trenchcoat and dark sunglasses deliver a sealed envelope to the pastor an hour before service each Sunday in the bushes behind the rectory. If it was a Catholic church, you'd see the pastor deliver something to the choirboy's rectory in the bushes about an hour before that. I know, that was a cheap shot and probably expected, but what can I say, someone has to make the easy jokes.

And, a fan belt went out in my truck the day before it got broken into. Also, a large hole had to be cut into the celing of our bathroom so a plumbing repair could be made. This was last Tuesday mind you, and the guy said he'd be back the next day to close up the hole. The hole is still there. I've only been here at this new apartment a week and a half, and I'm already getting pissed because nothing can get done when we're told it will get done. We ordered our furniture 3 weeks ago and all we're waiting on is the couch and chair. They were supposed to call us when it came in because we were told it'd be in by Christmas. I called them yesterday and the slaesman Ed said the couch just came that morning but the chair had been in for a week. However, to be efficient, he didn't want to set-up a delivery time until the couch had arrived. Because he didn't schedule it ahead of time, the delivery people are booked until the 31st so we'll have to wat another week to get the furniture.

So, to all of you who may read this I say this: Merry Fucking Christmas. I can't say it's been horrible. My family and friends seem to be well and that's worth a lot, but with everything else that's going on and the mood I'm in, I'l be glad when this season of cheer is over.

Oh yeah, take a look at these DVDs that come out today and Tuesday and tell me this Christmas doesn't blow:

American Pie Presents: Band Camp (Unrated Widescreen) - JUST STOP IT. We don't need spin-offs of already shitty shows. Every movie studio is guilty of it, but this is just beyond stupid.

Dark Water (Unrated Version) - From the creater of The Ring comes another movie with a similar plot with a twist ending that will leave the audience gasping in horror over the realization that they paid to see the film.

Into the Blue (Widescreen) - Paul Walker AND Jessica Alba in a movie together?! This movie is what I've been waiting years for: A film with no plot AND horrible acting! YAY!!!!

SeaQuest DSV: Season One - A talking dolphin will certainly cheer me up. All kidding aside, this show wasn't too horrible, but I can't see them selling more than 4 copies of this.

America's Funniest Home Videos: Volume 2 - Just how many times can we see a fat guy get unexpectedly beaned in the scrotum by a football? Buy this and find out! Of course, if you buy this, someone should bean you in the scrotum with a football.

Speaking of football, I leave you with one of my only positive experiences in the last 3 days. My family and I went to eat at a fairly expensive Itallian restaurant called Maggiano's. I sit down and turn to my right to see Jake Plummer and Bradly VanPelt eating dinner. If you hate football, you wouldn't give a shit, but to a fan like myslef, sitting next to the qurterback and back-up quarterback for the Denver Broncos is kind of cool. Possibly my only brush with "celebrities" ever, unless you count that small "incident" with Angelina Jolie. Sure, she pepper sprayed me and told the cops I was "stalking" her, but she was just playing around. She told me via telephathy that she wanted me to hide under her bed with a camera while wearing a clown mask. It's not my fault that tease changed her mind at the last minute.

I could have died this weekend

The new waterbed for our apartment came in on Friday and was set-up. We slept on it Friday night before realizing they didn't set it up with the right supports, so it could have collapsed through the floor into the apartment below. ok, so maybe I wouldn't have died, but it would have hurt like a bastard and our landlord wouldn't be pleased.

Home improvement sucks. Both the actual process and the Tim Allen sitcom, but I'll focus on the process right now. We decided to put up some shelves in this little closet area that we're going to call "The Pantry." Now, putting up shelves should be easy, except for the fact that there aren't any studs behind the drywall in this specific area. Hence, therefore, and fortwith, the shelves would rather slowly pull themselves away from the way instead of graciously sticking to them. I guess it won't be a "pantry" after all, it will instead be the "empty storage room which also contains the water heater."

With the exception of the couch and chair for the living room, all of our ordered furniture has arrived. Part of our order included four stackable bookcases which will house our massive DVD collection. Two of these bookcases came out of the boxes broken, one beyond any hope of repair. We will be exchanging those two for two un-broken ones. Personally, I'd rather return them all and get our money back, but Sam wants to exchange them. As I see it, if %50 of the bookcases came in damaged, then they aren't of the highest quality to begin with, and I'd rather not wake up at 3 A.M. to the sound of 300 DVDs crashing down upon the living room. Fifty percent is pretty shitty odds for furniture in my opinion. It's kind of shitty oddds for anything you buy actually. Would you buy a microwave if the salesperson told you this: "It's a damn fine microwave, but roughly half of them malfunction and shoot out microwave rays beyond the unit effectively cooking your inner organs, household pets, or anything else in a 30 foot radius." What if a doctor said: "This pacemaker will save your life, unless it explodes sending deadly shapnel into the very heart the pacemaker is there to serve, which actually happens about half of the time." If these 2 replacemnt bookcases come damaged, I'll make damn sure someone pays for the problems and time we've invested. Chances are the person who'll pay will be some unfortunate hobo who happens to wander too close to my apartment while I'm in an uncontrollable rage, but he'll pay nonetheless.

It's time once again for my weekly DVD release editorial. Hopefully these help you make good decisions, unlike certain decisions I've made. If you have any guesses as to the worst decisions I've ever made, place them in my comments section and you could win a new car! *

• Battlestar Galactica: Season 2.0 - I've said it before, and I'll say it agin: This show is freakin' amazing. If you're going to start watching it, rent the min-series and first season and watch it from there. Don't jump into it now otherwise you won't understand certain details.
• The Brothers Grimm - I'd rent it first. If you like it after that, then buy it. I enjoyed it, but not enough to justify the purchase.
• Cry_Wolf (Unrated Widescreen) - Just what we needed: Another dumb-ass horror movie where a masked killer stalks college coeds and proceeds to perform aforementioned killing. Anyone who buys this should be punched in the face.
• Serenity (Widescreen) - Another show worth watching from the series' beginning. This and Battlestar is all I'll be buying tomorrow, unless there's a sale on Brazillian prostitutes.

* Car Contest Rules and Restrictions: 1. Car cannot be won by anyone living outside the continental United States. 2. If living in the continental United States, a handling fee of $47,835,028 U.S. Dollars must be paid when accepting the prize. 3. Contest will not begin until 450,000 entries are submitted.

Toys of Justice

Its that time of the year when people make lists of toys and gifts. My list is actually very small but these are items that I just have to share.

1st off we have....Bobbleheads!! Bobbleheads are so cool because they're heads that...like...bobble.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0002Y0QX0/ref=lm_acpw/002-2268813-0672015?v=glance&s=toys&n=171662

Fun times always follow when you combine food and projectile weapons:
http://www.spilsbury.com/Humor/Marshmallow-Shooter

Now that this toy line is cancelled, I finally bought a few of them and absolutley love them.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0000VJJJC/qid=1134661702/sr=1-3/ref=sr_1_3/002-2268813-0672015?v=glance&s=toys Or....
http://www.hasbrotoyshop.com/ProductsByBrand.htm?BR=735
I've found a few stores with these marked down pretty cheap. If you find any and have a few extra dollars, I highly reccomend them. You can play some kind of game with these things too, but I'm not that much of a nerd.

This isn't so much of a toy as it is a freakin' sweet statue:
http://www.sideshowtoy.com/cgi-bin/category.cgi?item=90011&source=fppreorder
I'm actually going to get this because my mom and Samantha teamed-up to split the costs and make it my big Christmas gift. It's sold out now, so if you want one, tough shit. You have to admit, it is pretty.

Some G.I. Joe wall plaques that kick ass:
http://www.diamondselecttoys.com/store/category.asp?CategoryID=278&SubcategoryID=219

Let's talk about tasteless for a moment. Now, many of my pals know I can be tasteless, but this is just a little too heartless, even for me. I saw this in a store the other day and had to do a double-take:
http://www.hasbro.com/pl/page.viewproduct/product_id.12897/dn/playdoh/default.cfm
For those of you not familier with the Dodo bird, read this:
http://www.davidreilly.com/dodo/anatomy.html
Yeah, real good idea Hasbro. Let's make money off of an animal that's extinct because we clubbed them all to death, stepped on their eggs, and ate them. Now we can have Playdoy versions of them to play with, and cuddle with, and depending what kind of child you are, eat them as well. Isn't that just too cute? It's always good to justify man's horrific mistakes upon the world. Playsets coming next year from Paydoh: California Condor Cove, Baby Seal Clubfest, and Global Warming Fiesta.

• In other news, today is my birthday. All of you bitches forgot didn't you?! That's acceptable since I can't remember anyone elses birthdays either. You may make charitable monetary donations in my name to me. I'm 26 now, which is creeping ever so closer to 30. Not that I care. I'll still be an immature geek no matter what age I am.
• The Ghost Rider movie has been pushed back to February 2007. I'm a tad dissapointed because I was looking forward to seeing it this summer. However, this means that 2007 will see Ghost Rider in addition to Fantastic Four 2 and Spider-Man 3. And, that my friends, is what we call "Ginchy."
• I found a toaster at Wal-Mart that has a little pan/tray built in that fried a single egg. Am I the only person who thinks this is one of the best inventions of 2005? Come on, toast and an egg all from one unit, that is a sweet machine indeed. In fact, here it is: http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=3999075
• Everyone says King Kong is one of the best movies ever made, except this guy at AintItCoolNews: http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=22020 I haven't even seen the movie and I agree with him totally. To me, the movie looks like festering poo. Although, he also thinks V for Vendetta is one of the best movies ever and I'm not so sure he's right on that one.

Well crap in a hat....

Soon my fiancee and I are getting a rabbit. I like bunnies, she likes bunnies, everyone likes bunnies. In my scouring of the internet for possible cage options / ideas, I ran across a number of sites explaining how to make cages out of "Neat Idea Cubes" and similar products. A nice idea, yes. However, there are some people that just scare me. Take the maker of this website for example: http://www.fuzzy-rabbit.com/room.htm Now, I'm going to give my bunny, whose name is Flanders by the way, all the space he needs. But these people take it to a whole new level. An entire room just for the rabbits? Obviously these people don't have normal people children to care about otherwise they'd be sleeping in the garage. These people are like the "cat ladies," but with rabbits. You know "cat ladies"; they're the old women in your town who never bathe themselves and live in a one-bedroom house with 75 cats all breeding and shitting on the couch. I'm sure the rabbits appreciate all of this, but they're taking up so much space, they damn well better pay part of the rent. I mean the cage we're going to get Flanders is a two-level monstrosity, but at least It's small enough that I can move around the apartment freely without tripping on a cage wall and tumbling, screaming, head-first off of the balcony. Although I know this would greatly amuse the majority of my friends. Ok, it would amuse all of them because they're all rat bastards.

Another plus of not having three rabbits occupying a whole-room: The entire apartment won't reek of rabbit crap. It may reek of my feces since I do have to mark the apartmenbt as mine, but I don't want any carnies or nomads to move in on my turf. They have to know the apartment is taken, and nothing says "taken" like the smell of human waste.

The hell you say!

Moving into a new apartment isn't bad, it's the packing up of all my posessions that really blows. I started packing last night. Since the move starts on Friday, I thought I'd better start now. One never realizes how much shit they have until one has to move it all. For once, I think the hobos have it right, put everything you own in plastic sacks in an old shopping cart. Quit your job, ignore hygeine, see the world!!

Now to the complaining: What the hell does it take for people to understand the English language. Now, I'm not talking about Mexican immigrants or anyone like that. I know they'll never learn English, and I'm ok with that, as long as they keep roofing our houses and manning the late-night drive-through windows at Taco Bell. I'm talking about the people who rightfully should be able to understand it, like the self-righteous middle-to-high class a-holes who come into Mervyn's looking for a deal now that the store is closing. Everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE, signs are posted explaining that "ALL SALES ARE FINAL. NO REFUNDS OR RETURNS." By "everywhere," I mean on every wall, column, door, display, and fixture in the store. They are even posted above the urinals in the Men's bathroom so that one can both urunate and be informed at the same time. These signs are huge and they are bright yellow. Yet, there are still morons who buy something, look at the receipt, then look at me and say, "Oh, I didn't know this was this much, I'd like to return it." Finally, I get to say what I've always wanted to say: "No." "No, I can not return it, and I'm not sorry about it either. I am however sorry that I don't have a sock full of quarters to swing at your face. Now get the fuck out of my store......bitch." One customer tried to return a toaster that he didn't even take out of the box. When I, and the manager, and the head of the liqiudation company told him no, he threw the toaster at the ground and stormed off. I'm not saying he lightly tossed it in the direction of the ground, no, he spiked the toaster with all of his might much like a steroid-enhanced football player would spike the ball after the game winning touchdown. I was really hoping that he went home and had an uncontrollable craving for toast.

Now for a complaint on comic books. I'm well aware that delays are part of the industry. I'm aware that certain individuals in the industry are overworked. None of this justifes the farce that is Secret War. The fifth and final issue should be coming out this week, and I say should because one never really knows untill it's in hand. The first one was released in April.....of 2004. Twenty months later we're finally going to get to finish it? Well thanks a lot for your generosity Mr. Bendis and Ms. Dell'Otto. Thanks for your concern over the people who buy your work and support you. Maybe I'll have to experience a few delays in buying the book huh? I'd like to know how it ends, but in truth, I'd rather see this series fail miserably in the end because I don't give a shit about it anymore. Secret War is like Sooooo one year ago. Much like my fasion sense.

Would you like to know what is coming tomorrow in the way of DVDs? No? Well sod off 'cause I don't right fookin' care!

The 40-Year-Old Virgin (Unrated Widescreen) - Surprisingly, I've heard this is quite a funny movie with a point and a plot, but I've still no wish to see it.

Bad News Bears (Widescreen Collector's Edition) - I've heard that this too, is pretty funny, but in a year full of crappy remakes and sequels, I'll pass until it's a $1 rental.

The Dukes of Hazzard: The Complete Fifth Season - There was a 3rd and 4th season?

Frank Miller's Sin City: Recut · Extended · Unrated - This DVD has been rated U, for Unnecessary.

Garfield: The Movie - Purrrfect Collector's Edition - In addition the the U rating, this has also been rated H, for Hunk of crap. I ask God why he allows such abominations to exist, and I get no answer. Maybe because, like Garfield, God doesn't really exist. *Zing* Ha cha cha cha!!

The Island - Now this is a release that I'll buy. I liked this movie. Sure, it had problems and it was pretty formularic, but it was fun.

King Kong: Peter Jackson's Production Diaries - You egotistical rat bastard! I hope you drown in your pool full of money.

The Simpsons: The Complete Seventh Season (Collectible Marge Head Pack) - Is it just me, or does the title of this release sound just a tiny bit pornographic?

I have nothing else to say. Begone with you so that you may continue your insolent scampering about this Earth.

I.......said..........SCAMPER!