A New Day Has Dawned...

And it's a Monday, so it already sucks.

Last week, I promised you monkeys, and fear not, the monkeys shall soon be here. But first, I shall rant.

The world is becoming too easy. Coming from me, one of the laziest people I know, this really means something. Technology and convenience have made people stupid and impatient. For instance, Google reigns supreme on the internet. Why take the time to actually verify your information when you can Google it and blindly accept what it says? Google makes the internet too easy. Books on tape. I've never understood this concept. "I guess I'll buy this audio book because I don't have time to sit down and read this book. I'll listen to it while doing 12 other things so I'll never fully comprehend the story." People are now too stupid and lazy to actually read. And you can't say that "I'm just busier then I've ever been." That's bullshit. Numerous studies have proved that, on average, people actually have more free time now then they had in the past. I didn't "Google" that either. Soup-on-the-Go, or whatever the microwavable soup in a travel cup is called. People actually used to make homemade soup, as hillbilly as it sounds. Hell, my mother still does. Now we're in such a "rush" that we need soup to go? You need to eat on the go huh? Ever heard of a "sandwich?"

Oh yes, there's more, but for pacing reasons, I had to start a new paragraph. Pacing is a literary term if you need to know. Cell phones. When I worked for T-Mobile, customers would be upset if we wouldn't give them another free phone after they dropped their 1st free phone in the toilet. How dare us make them pay for a second phone?! Because this technology is everywhere, people don't see the value of it anymore. They don't understand that these cell phones really are a technological marvel. We used to have rotary phones for christsakes people. It took so long to dial on one of those things that if you needed to dial 911, you had better start dialing before the accident. Cell phones aren't just a cordless phone. They're also a camera, calculator, gameboy, MP3 player, organizer, internet browser, IM service, clock, stopwatch, voice memo recorder, and conversion tool. Except for the MP3 player, my phone does all of those things, and it's a cheap phone. Shit, when calculators first came out, they cost hundreds of dollars. Now you want a second cell phone for free? I'm surprised the cell phone providers give out the first one free actually. You see, convenience has made people stupid.

This leads me to the last observation I've made on convenience: Bookbags/backpacks with wheels. You see, I work at this respiratory hospital library right next to a private elementary school that this hospital runs for children who can't attend regular schools due to their respiratory conditions. Every day, about 3:00 p.m., these children get out of school and walk past the library. These tubby little children are walking past pulling their rolling backpacks behind them acting like it's such a chore. It's called a "back"pack for a reason you little bastards. Maybe you wouldn't be so goddamned fat if you actually did some work. I'm sure that actually carrying your 1 inch think basic mathbook, box of crayons, and plastic pencil sharpener would physically drain you to the point of exhaustion. Time to replace that lost energy with some healthy after-school snacks. "MOM!?! MOM!?! Can you get me some Twinkies and a pop? I'm tired from pulling my bag. MOM?!?!"

Moving on now. I guess the only thing left to do is review the DVD releases for this week. And what do we have this week? We have...MONKEYS! YAY!!!!! They aren't all monkey related, but statistically speaking, a lot are indeed monkey-ish in nature.

• Doctor Who: The Beginning Collection - This release is times nicely with the American debut of the new Doctor Who series a little over a week ago. Not that I'll buy this, but I thought it was worth mentioning to my nerdish companions who may read this. You know who you are.
• Godzilla (Monster Edition) - Yes, this is the 1998 remake. I think I'll pass on this. It wasn't horrible, but it was in no means good either.
• King Kong (2-Disc Special Edition) - Yes, this is the 2005 remake. I think I'll pass on this. It wasn't horrible, but it was in no means good either. I only had to write one review for two movies. I'm so damn good. Might I add, this is todays first sighting, of a MONKEY!!!!
• King Kong (1933, Single Disc) - ANOTHER MONKEY!!!! Well, it's the same monkey in theory. But also different. I'm confused now.
• Memoirs of a Geisha (Widescreen) - This made-for-women-everywhere movie just doesn't appeal to me in the least. Plus, I've heard it wasn't all that good. Critics can be wrong however.
• Planet of the Apes: Ultimate DVD Collection - A box full of MONKEYS!!!! Not just one monkey....but 9 MONKEYS!!! (1) Planet of the Apes (2) Beneath the Planet of the Apes (3) Escape from the Planet of the Apes (4) Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (5) Battle for the Planet of the Apes (6) Planet of the Apes TV Series (7) Return to the Planet of the Apes Cartoon Series (8) Planet of the Apes 2001 remake and...... (9) Ape Head Packaging!!! Look at it here if you don't believe me: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000E6ESG2/ref=ase_comingsoon/102-0074721-8524913?s=dvd&v=glance&n=130&tagActionCode=comingsoon I know, Apes aren't really monkeys but you can shut the hell up now and go buy this.
• Quantum Leap: The Complete Fourth Season - I've just leapt into boredom.
• Robot Chicken Vol. 1 - An Adult Swim new-classic. There may be a few monkeys on this show now and then, but I can't confirm this so we'll leave it off of the monkey list.
• A Sound of Thunder - I heard this movie was shit. I'm not talking quasi-shit here, I'm talking about absolute, undenyable, festering shit. This is a movie that a monkey might conceiveably fling.
• Super Mario Bros. Super Show - What do we have here? Why it's...the final MONKEY!!!!! How you ask? Because Mario made his original appearance alongside Donkey Kong, who is infact, a MONKEY!!! Now Donkey Kong may not make an appearance in this show, I can't remember, but Mario owes his origins to a monkey and that puts it on the Monkey List. Being on the Monkey List doesn't mean I'll buy it though. This was one of the worst television shows.......ever.

Now a lot comes out next week, but sadly, no monkeys. Maybe next week I'll say something of value here.

Probably not.

T for Title

Clever blog title eh? Since it's the weekend for V for Vendetta, I thought it was fitting, plus I couldn't think of anything else remotely clever. If you want to hear my thoughts on V for Vendetta, stick around and I'll get to that a few paragraphs from now.

So it's starting to snow here in Denver. It really gets on my nerves when people here in Denver say: "Oh it's snowing so hard, I don't know if I can make it into work tomorrow. It's like a blizzard!" These people live in a city where the wind is near nonexistent and where a whole department full of snowplows keeps pretty much every street in good condition. These stupid bastards, in their 4-wheel drive Lexus' wouldn't know "snow" if they died in it. When I was in high school in Nebraska, I would have to drive over 10 miles worth of plains in driving snow in a fuckin' Mazda. In Nebraska when it snows, you'll be damned lucky to find your all-black car in the damn garage. You know it's a bad storm when on the way to school, you have to drive through snow drifts....to avoid the bigger snow drifts. Now I'm not going to say that snows here in Denver are never bad, but like I said, there are snowplows constantly trying to clear the roads. Nebraska has 1 snowplow for the entire state.

On to V for Vendetta. I won't go into a huge review because I'm sure you've read enough "real" reviews by these so-called reviewers. All i can say is that I didn't have a problem with this movie. Sure, they beat us over the head about how similar this government is to ours, but that was part of the point this movie was trying to make. In my opinion, it was a highly entertaining movie and even Portman did a convincing acting job. That was my review. Was it both informative and entertaining? Did it change your mind? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you should read more, because that was the shittiest review I've ever written.

Now I'll do my part for the Hurricane Katrina victims in New Orleans by reviewing the DVD's released this week.

• Batmen Beyond: Season 1 - I've been anticipating this release since I picked up a few of these episodes on tape a few years back. This was a truly great show and whoever said cartoons aren't cool can kiss my ass.
  
• Capote - It looks good. Isn't it ironic that that's the best review I can write about a movie based on the life of a writer?
• House of the Dead II - There...is....a.....sequel? Why has God forsaken the American people?
• Justice League: The Animated Series Season 1 - MORE TOONS!!!! I'm glad I didn't buy the initial DVDs released that only had like 3 episodes each like some people I know. Seriously, this was another great toon. BUY IT!

Not alot, but 2 boxed sets in one day ain't too shabby.

Tune in next week for....MONKEYS!!!!!

Edjewkayshun is stoopid

So when I was admitted to Denver Universityover a year ago, I was given a scholarship for half off of my tuition for my entire Master's Degree coursework. Even with that help, it's still damn expensive to attend DU. About $400 a credit hour expensive. So each 3 credit class it about $1200, if I'm doing the math right. To make a long story short, my bill arrived for my next 2 classes and they want me to pay, get this shit, $4700. $4700 for TWO GODDAMN CLASSES??! Obviously they "forgot" my scholarship. I mean even my half-off rate of $2350 would still be obscenely high, but $4700.....for TWO FUCKING CLASSES?? For that amount, there better be some Indonesian slave boy who'll sit beside me in class to take notes for me and do my homework for me while I look up porn on my laptop. I'm so angry I could beat every asshole in the Bursar's Office with a sockfull of quarters. Or a toaster in a sheet.

mmmmmm, toast.

I had to call Microsoft yesterday to solve a tech support question. You see, my computer won't update. Those critical security and software updates that Microsoft puts on their website that they say you desperately "need" in order to keep your computer from turning inside out and forming a black hole in your livingroom just won't install on my computer. So I've got a year's worth of updates that just don't want to install. Anyway, the woman on the Microsoft end of the phone tells me, "Our XP tech support department is currently closed." Am I the only person who thinks this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard? So then why the fuck are you even answering the phone if you can't answer a question on tech support? That's the goddamn reason %98 of people call microsoft. What is your job woman? Can you give me lottery numbers? Can you tell me how to diffuse a bomb using only Elmer's glue and a piece of BubbleYum? I hope so, because otherwise you're as useless as a condom machine in a leper colony. I can't think of more then 10 questions that could be asked that aren't technical support related. Microsoft my ass, more like Macroshaft.

There was a homeless man on the steetcorner this morning with a cardboard sign that read: "Anything Helps." I told him that I'd help him by reviewing the DVDs released tomorrow. A passerby might have thought he meant it when he told me to fuck off before collapsing to the ground sobbing, but I know what he really meant was: "Thank you kind sir." Those were tears of joy. Joy indeed.

• Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers - Being that I own every other Babylon 5 related DVD released, I might as well add this one to the lot. This is the only B5 movie I haven't seen yet, so it may or may not suck. I wouldn't reccommend getting this however if you've seen less than every series episode and every other B5 movie. You just wouldn't understand.
• Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (The Little Black Book Edition) - Maybe I'll just forget this movie was ever made and look forward to better movies, Like: Under Siege III - Nuclear Urinal Cake.
• Ghostbusters (Repackaged) AND Ghostbusters II (Repackaged) - So what the hell was wrong with the repackaged editions that came out 6 months ago?
• Good Night, And Good Luck - Damn good film. I'm a little dissapointed that David Strathairn didn't win best actor for the role, but since I've never seem Capote, I can't tell you whether David got hosed or not by the academy.
• A History of Violence - I can't wait to pick this bad boy up. Watching a film like this where lots of killin' is done always gets me in the mood to drive to Wal-Mart. I can't explain it.
• Ice Age (Super-Cool Edition) - If it's cheap, I'll buy it. Everyone needs a good laugh now and then and I'm sick of tripping children to get them. Actually I'm not sick of that quite yet.
• MacGyver: The Complete Fifth Season - This lasted 5 seasons?! Like Stargate SG-1, the continuation of Richard Dean Anderson's career is a mystery to me.

So that's it for this week, but there are a few that I will be picking up so that ain't too shabby. Now we've got some gems on the way next week, so keep your eye on the best blog ever.

No, MY blog shithead.

I'm so very tired...

Not physically, but mentally. There are certain things I just don't understand and it makes my brain hurt.

I don't understand the express line at a Wal-Mart. Last night, all I wanted to buy was a can of peaches and a box of Jiffy cake mix. Two items that totaled less than 2 dollars. Having only 2 items to buy placed me into the group of people entitled to use the express lane. The bitch in front of me had a cart containing enough food to sustain Denmark for a few days. Naturally, I moved out of that lane, while cursing, to a normal lane that had no line at all. I know there are lots of stupid people in the world, and I can live with that. Natural stupidity isn't the fault of the stupid persons themselves. I can't mock someone with Downs Syndrome for being dumb because they can't help it. In the past I may have done this, but these things are in the past. Rude people, however, I can be pissed about. What kind of selfish fuck-ass takes a whole cart of food into an express line knowing goddamn well the lane is for people in a hurry just buying a few things? That kind of self-absorbed attitude really makes me want to perform acts of violence upon the offending party. If I knew when this bitch was going through the express line again I would do this: I would bring exactly 10 items through the express lane right before her. Of course these 10 items would be: A 52 " big screen TV, a desktop computer, a futon, a refrigerator, a large ladder, an entertainment center, a 62 piece dish set, a lawn mower, a 50 gallon fish tank, and a 10 lb. bag of sugar with a small hole in it. Of course, I'd make sure that at least 3 of these items would be missing the bar code. Also, right after the 10th item gets scanned, I'd say, "Wait just a minute," and then proceed to take at least a minute picking out a pack of gum to add to my order.

I don't understand Taco Bell combo meals. The CrunchWrap Supreme is advertised as a item that can be eaten on the go with very little mess, perfect for people eating while driving. So why in the hell do they put that in a combo with a fucking crunchy taco?

I don't understand people who gesture with their hands while talking on a cell phone. I'm sure that madly waving your arms and using your finger to punctuate certian words really helps get the point across when the other person you're talking to can't even see you. Combine this type of person with the person who talks on a cell phone while driving and you get an assclown who's flying down the freeway at 85 mph with no hands on the steering wheel flailing his or her arms around like they're having a seizure.
Cell Phone: $40
Car: $22,000
Using a hand to steer the car so you don't plow it into mine thereby sending me screaming and flipping end-over-end into oncoming traffic while the gas tank ruptures and ignites washing wave after wave of searing fire upon my crushed body: Priceless.

I know, you're all still watching your DVD copies of last week's release of the 4th season of Charmed, but put down that filth for a few moments to take note of this week's releases:

• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Two-Disc Special Edition) - While I don't feel this movie was quite as good as the last installment, this movie is quite entertaining nonetheless. You should add this to your DVD collection and be damned grateful for the opportunity.
• Howl's Moving Castle - I do like anime, in moderation, and I've heard this is quite good but I've yet to see it. In my opinion, anime is much like independent films. A few are awesome, but most suck, and no matter how much they suck, there's always some jackball who says they're awesome just because it's anime or independent.
• Jarhead (Two Disc Collector's Edition) - I want to see this film, but I can't tell you why. Maybe it's because it's directed by the guy who directed Road to Perdition. Maybe because it stars Jake Gyllenhaal and Jamie Foxx, both excellent actors. Maybe it's because it got good reviews. I don't know. I just don't know.

What I do know are 2 things: First, those are the only DVDs worth mentioning this week. Secondly, the film Ultraviolet is now out in theatres. This movie looks like a nerd's wet dream come to life. Milla Jovovich running around half naked while extraordinary scenes of matrx-like violence ensues. It's too bad that the acting looks atrocious and the plot seems wretched with a script to match. I truly hate this film and all I've seen of it are trailers. I only wish this movie had been filmed in ultraviolet light so that I would never be able to actually see the movie.

Tune in next week when I demonstrate my ability to turn an ordinary onion into a decorative centerpiece.

I have a surprise for you.....

And for once, it isn't in my pants.

Honestly though, this post will be unique in that I'll review an audio CD, which you know I've never done before. I don't usually ever review an audio item because, even though I'm musically literate, I'm not literate enough to say things like: "This is a deep and moving album with vocals reminiscent of the early works of Eric Clapton with guitar work as haunting, elegant, and powerful as Black Sabbath's second full album." Plus, I HATE reviews like that. If I have to take a music history course to understand your review, then you suck.

After I tell you the artist of this CD, you're going to want to stop reading, but I implore you to continue. The album is called Has Been by none other then William Shatner. I know I mentioned him in the last post and I promise it won't be a recurring theme. Has Been is produced by Ben Folds, and maybe that, or William Shatner's spoken word elegance, makes this one of the most shockingly good albums I've heard in years.

Yes, I said good.

Shatner really doesn't sing at all on any of the 11 tracks, nor should he. It's spoken word and any sections sung are done so by Ben Folds, a chorus, or others. This is a good album for many reasons. Firstly, it's well written. Secondly, the songs range in genre including rock, country-western, and blues. Thirdly, and I know thirdly may not be a word, the songs rang in tone. Some are happy and upbeat, while some are pretty damn sad. The title track, Has Been, is actually a campy western-type song that mocks those who have called Shatner a has-been. Every song on this CD is different, yet equally interesting. Even Henry Rollins guests on one of the songs. Henry Freakin' Rollins people! If Rollins and Shatner in the same song isn't both intersting and odd, I don't know what is.

I took a chance buying this, and both Shaner and Folds took a chance making this, but in my opinion, it's a success. I've never been a huge fan of spoken-word albums, but this album definately stands out in a day when bands and artists regurgitate the same old shit and when American Idol reigns supreme. Fuck the idols. Buy this instead of the new quasi-punk album that just came out and you just might like it. It's definately a fine addition to my CD collection.

Then again, after having my CDs stolen, any CD would be a fine addition to my new collection of 3 CDs.

It's not like I'm focusing on that problem though. Not at all.

Aren't Fridays supposed to be good days?

I'm just tired and annoyed. I didn't get much sleep last night, so the little things start to bug the crap out of me.

Starting my annoyances, I present the shipping baron which is UPS. I ordered a CD through Amazon.com yesterday and got free two-day UPS shipping, so it should arrive on Monday. Just for the hell of it, I tracked my package to see its progress. Let's see where my CD is:

SPARKS, NV, US 02/23/2006 9:15 P.M. DEPARTURE SCAN
OAKLAND, CA, US 02/24/2006 5:36 A.M.
LOUISVILLE, KY, US 02/24/2006 12:28 P.M.

Let's break this shit down. I live in Colorado, and my CD started out in Nevada, only two states away to the west. My CD then went west even more to California, and then was flown OVER Colorado to mother fucking Kentucky? Does this make sense to anyone? Anyone...anyone.....Bueller...Bueller? Now I'm sure my CD will arrive on Monday as promised, but it's just the idiocy of the shipping path that annoys me. I know there are certain distribution centers where things are routed, but I'm sure UPS can be a bit more efficient than a 4000 mile trip. After that trip, my CD is practically an import.

Moving on, the ATM machine located right outside the door to the library adds to my distress. If I hear one more stupid bastard tell a tacky ATM joke today, I'm going to stab him or her with a book. I'm sick of hearing things like: "While you're at it, get me some!" "You better leave some in there for me!" "I'll take 20!" followed by raucos laughter. Yuk it up freaks. You people try to be clever, but it just doesn't work. Understand that you're not clever, you're pathetic. I would pay someone at least $20 to guarantee never hearing these dumb-ass comments ever again. Oh look at that, someone's at the ATM now. Urge to kill......rising.

Let me move on from my complaints to a topic much more compelling. Television. One show in particular. Four years ago, had someone said that I'd actually like and enjoy William Shatner in a TV role, I'd have said "Poppycock good sir, and goodday" I now do enjoy William Shatner, and if he hasn't won an Emmy for his work on Boston Legal yet, he damn well should. I didn't care much for The Practice, which Boston legal is a spin-off of, nor do I care for most of the lawyer-themed shows, but Boston Legal is genuinely entertaining, and funny. The two greatest aspects of this show are the characters and the scripts. Chances are, you've never seen an episode yet, which is your loss, but now you should catch an episode and see for yourself. I'll even go as far as to NOT make a William Shatner joke now, and I have so many to make. So very many.

Normally I wait until Monday to review the DVD releases for Tueasday, but since there's only one DVD coming out worth a shit, I'll get it out of the way now:

Walk the Line - The Johnny Cash biopic is definately worth a watch. I liked it better than Ray, but then again, I never really listened to the music of Ray Charles. Johnny Cash, on the other hand, I have listened to quite a lot so the movie was a bit more enjoyable for me. Hopefully now the filmmakers will finally get off their asses and make the Falco biopic.

It's time to go now, and I've done far worse than kill you, reader. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her: marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead blog, buried alive. Buried alive.

KHAAAAAN! KHAAAAAAN!

One Shatner reference alright? It won't happen again.

Title Unspecified

I'm so tired that I can't think of anything remotely clever for the title of today's post.

So I was at a little "get together" the other night. Of course, alcohol was present otherwise I wouldn't have been. I soon came to realize that there's one more thing I hate in this world: Pretentious Job-Liars. What is a Pretentious Job-Liar, or PJL, you may ask. Let me give you the run down of the PJL I met the other night:
Me: And so, what do you do?
PJL: I work in the restaurant industry.
Me: Uh huh.
This PJL couldn't have been more than 23 years old, which meant since this pompous ass in in the "restaurant industry," he's either a waiter or a cook. Why can't he just say he's a fuckin' cook or waiter? Oh no, you're soo much more respected in my eyes since you're in the "restaurant industry" instead of just being a waiter. Well lah dee dah Mr. Fancypants. If someone asks what I do, I tell them I'm a Library Tech at a medical library, because that's what I am. I don't say I'm part of the "Medical Information Distribution Industry." I hope this ass falls on a fork. Oh I'm sorry, I hope this "restaurant industrier" falls on a pronged eating utensial composed primarily of stainless steel.

Alright, now I don't often use other's jokes in my blog because I find it tacky. However, I discovered an online comic called Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. I can't post all of these I find humorous, but since last week I ragged on William for being a RPG freak with no life, I'll showcase the toons dealing with RPGs:



Maybe next week, I'll showcase one or two that sum up my life.

I got a phone call from Dick Cheney this morning. He said to me, "Sean, I'd really love to hear what you think on the DVD releases for this week. It'd really cheer me up after shotting my hunting buddy in the face." How can I turn down the VP? Here you go Dickey-Baby.

• 3rd Rock from the Sun: Season 3 - This show is funny and you know it.
• Domino (New Line Platinum Series - Widescreen) - I heard this movie was really bad. Like actual dominos, this movie seems pretty dull. Honestly, who in the hell played with Dominos as a kid? And, if you did, define "play."
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail (Widescreen Deluxe Edition) - I thought a special edition of this came out last year. This being said though, it is a funny movie, at least the first 20 times you watch it.
• North Country (Widescreen) - Since this has gotten high critical acclaim, I actually do want to see it. Yes, I know, it doesn't have any ninjas or laser battles in space, but I'm not as shallow as you think I am. Now, on to the laser battles in space....
• Ultimate Avengers: The Movie - Thanks to ToysRUs completely ignoring DVD release dates, I managed to see this film last Friday. I liked it even though it deviates from the comic. The voice acting could be better though and it's only 71 minutes long. Hardly long enough to be called a "Full-length animated movie" like they're claiming it to be.
• The Weather Man (Widescreen Edition) - Nicolas Cage can be very good if the role itself is written well. Also, Michael Caine is in this so that alone is a selling point. The director, Gore Verbinski, is hiot and miss though. Sure, he directed Pirates of the Caribbean, but he also directed The Mexican and The Ring. Nonetheless, I'll definately rent this one.

There you go Dick. I hope this helps.

Last week, I said I'd quickly run over the movies that I don't want to see this year. I won't be made a liar of.

• Ultraviolet - If I was just into action movies this would be awesome. However, I also like a plot and good acting. This appears to have neither. This movie looks simply pathetic.
• The Hills Have Eyes - Another remake of an old horror film...yay.
• The Shaggy Dog - Another remake of an old comedy...yay.
• Basic Instinct 2 - Isn't Sharon Stone like 50 now?
• Scary Movie 4 - I hate these films with a passion. These films are only successful because the majority of the population are mindless heathens who think toilet humor is funny. I'll have to admit though, the word poop is quite funny.
• The Whore's Son - Andy?!? I have no idea what this movie is about, but I had to make that joke.
• Poseidon - Yet another remake. Who knows, this could be good. I don't have high expectations for it though, and will pass on seeing it in the theatres.
• The Omen - No, not a remake, but a prequel. I just don't care.
• The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift - Not only is this the 3rd movie in a crappy series, but none of the stars of the last 2 movies are in this. I know it's unbelievable, but this movie looks like it will be even shittier then the 1st two.
• Garfield's A Tale of Two Kitties - I could make some joke about this movie and a litter box, but that would just be redundant. You know it will suck without any jokes made.
• Clerks II - Kevin Smith fans all over the world gasp in horror when they see this film is on my list. They will gasp in horror while eating Cheetos in their parents' basement while shuffling through their decks of Magic cards. I'm just not impressed with Kevin Smith, especially after the dumb-ass Jay and Silent Bob movie. God himself cried for humanity when that was released.
• Snakes on a Plane - Oh how I have insulted this movie! I can't even see this title without snickering. I've already told you of the sequel, but have you heard that a prequel is planned? Yep, and it seems like a winner: Badgers in a Pinto.
• World Trade Center - We all knew this movie would arrive sometime. I may go see it in the theatre just to be an ass and stand up halfway through the movie to yell, "Oh shit, I know how this movie ends!"
• Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning - Hollywood sickens me.
• Untitled Friday the 13th Origin Film - The sickening continues.
• The Grudge 2 - And it continues some more.
• Saw 3 - Still sickened.
• The Santa Clause 3 - Could it possibly be that I'm still sickened? Yes.
• Casino Royale - I do like James Bond films for the most part, and this new Bond seems like a good actor, but the script seems poorly written and I've got major issues with the continuity of the story. It's a James Bond origin story that takes place in present day with current M Judi Dench. What the fuck? If you're familiar with Bond, you know that this is just stupid.

That's it for now. I need to go to the bathroom after writing this list.

Must....cleanse....body.....of.....filth.....

All I can say is: HA!

Rad this and tell me it isn't funny:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/02/13/cheney/index.html

Ok, so it shouldn't be funny, I admit that much. This admittance doesn't stop me from laughing however. It's long been rumored that the Republican party is full of rednecks and hicks that managed to crawl out of the deepest Ozark mountain valleys in a vain attemp to keep women and negroes from voting and such. Now no one can deny it. I mean, when the vice-president himself shoots a fellow hunter in the face with a load of buckshot while trying to hunt small birds, it's a pretty clear sign that he's a dumb-ass redneck. Now, I've been hunting before myself, and mistakes can happen, but I don't think I've ever fired a shotgun while I've had the barrel pointed in the general direction of...SOMEONE ELSE'S HEAD! It's too damn bad Cheney wasn't out hunting with President Bush.

Because then Bush could have got some quail meat too. Yeah, that's what I meant.

I should talk about the International ToyFair in New York and how cool everything is that's coming out this year, but for some reason, I don't feel like being a huge nerd this morning.

Regardless of this, I still am a huge nerd, but not as much as some. I have never gone to a sci-fi con dressed as anyone but myself. Actually, I've never been to a sci-fi con. I have been invited by William to go to the sci-fi con with him this summer in Toronto Canada. I would go if it weren't for three problems that plague this idea:
1: I don't have the money.
2: I wish to keep my dignity, and I can't do that while in a group of people arguing the physics of matter-to-energy conversion of a transporter system, or whether a lightsaber could cut through adamantium.
3: Canada
Thanks for the invite Bill, but I think Ill do something less nerdish with my time, like sit in my apartment and play World of Warcraft.

It's time again for everyone's favorite DVD review section!

• Charles in Charge: The Complete First Season - Oh fuck this! Who in God's name is going to buy this? If you really want to fullfill your need for Scott Baio, rent Bugsy Malone instead.
• Saw II (Widescreen) - I understand that people like twist ending to movies. However, making a sequel based off the popularity of a twist-ending to an otherwise crappy movie really doesn't work. I'm not a big fan or these types of movies anyway, so I'm biased to beging with, but all these films showcase is the writer's inventiveness on how to kill people. Fans of this movie said it was new and fresh. Obviously those fans haven't seen the film Seven, which is better in almost every way possible.
• Zathura (Special Edition) - This received good reviews, and I can't explain why. This movie is based off a book by the guy that wrote Jumanji, and essentially, this movie is Jumanji...but In Space! It's kinda supposed to be a sequel of sorts as I understand, but a rehashed idea is still a reheashed idea. My mother saw this film and I'll let her idea on the movie be your guide. My mother really liked Jumanji, but she really didn't care for Zathura. My mother also thought that Van Helsing was a good movie. If my mom liked Van Helsing, but thought Zathura was bad compared to it, that has to tell you something.

Those are the only 3 DVDs being released that deserve any comments whatsoever. As you can plainly see, there is nothing to buy this week. Since it's a short list however, I'll give you four more options that are too shitty for me to even insult:

The Golden Girls: The Complete Fourth Season - Overhaulin': The Complete Second Season - Roast of Pamela Anderson (Uncensored) - Shaq TV: The Reality Series.

Starting next week, we move into a period of time where almost every week has something good to offer, and Scott Baio isn't anywhere to be seen.

Since the list was short, I'll run down the film releases this year that I'm really looking forward to. You may disagree with me, but that's why I buy pepper spray.

• Night Watch (Nochnoi Dozor) - This is a tough movie to describe, so just watch the trailer here: http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/night_watch/hd/
• V For Vendetta - Yes, Natalie Portman is a bad actress, but I still want to see the film based off the stellar reviews I've read.
• Ice Age 2: The Meltdown - Admit it, Ice Age was funny. It's even funnier to me since I know this dumb redneck who shares the same stupid look on his face as Sid the Sloth. Oh, I laugh everytime I see it.
• Silent Hill - I love the freaky-ass, scare the crap out of you at 3 A.M. in the morning games this movie is based on. The director, Christophe Gans, isn't a total hack either.
• Mission: Impossible: III - I know, MI-II sucked ass. This movie looks to be a move towards much better writing and directing. Plus, with Philip Seymour Hoffman as the bad guy, the acting should be much improved as well.
• X-Men: The Last Stand - Excuse me while I whipe the drool off of myself. For me, this is the must-see movie of the summer.
• Superman Returns - Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor. That's all I have to say.
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - After the surprise the 1st film was, I'm hoping this one will be as good.
• Miami Vice - Yeah, you say it's stupid now, but did you know it stars Jaime Foxx and Colin Farrell? Did you know it's directed by Michael Mann, who directed Colatteral? I bet you feel like a fool now.

Alright, I think I'm done for the day. Next week, in addition to the DVD reviews, I'll bash the upcoming films that I don't want to see. That list is much longer.

Crow Assemble!!

I now realize that the Avengers Assemble battle cry really only works with the Avengers. Even then it sounds pretty dumb. Plus, I really have nothing to do battle over. The only things I feel inclined to do battle with are hobos and crippled hobos, and I think I can take some time off from that quest due to the frigid Denver nights. The cold should make my job a lot easier.

I've had two people ask me if my parents read my blog. Obviously these two people don't read my blog. Thanks for caring assholes.

You know how when you sign up for cable and the guy on the phone says: "They'll be someone coming 'round to hook up your cable sometime between 7 A.M. on Thursday and 4 P.M. Friday. If you're not there when we stop by, we'll have to reschedule." We've all dealt with shitty service such as that. Now, I'm getting this kind of crap at work. The maintenance men* are supposed to raise my entire desk section up about 3 inches so that a file cabinet can fit underneath. They tell me to have everything off of the desk when they get here so they can quickly do it, but they're not telling me when they'll be here. So I'm just supposed to remove everything, including this computer, off the desk and wait for these sonsofbitches? I guess I'm not expected to do any work today. Not that I would anyway mind you. Well, guess what? When they get here, they'll just have to wait. Yeah that's right, I said it. They'll wait and they'll like every minute of it.
*Some of you may be upset that I used the term "maintenance men" instead of "maintenance persons" or something else equally pc. But come on people, we all know women can't lift heavy things and therefore aren't suited for such demanding work as a maintenance job requires. And, even if a woman did have a maintenance job, we all know she'd just spend the whole day bitching about it anyway.

I saw two movies this weekend. The first was: The Cave. It has been trashed enough, by myself included, that I had to rent it. It isn't as bad as I expected, but since I expected nothing but filth, that isn't saying much. Anyone who can form complete thoughs can pretty much extrapolate what's going to happen throughout the entire film. The first part of the movie goes kinda slow, and since there isn't much plot or character development, I kept hoping that the creature attacks would start to pick up at any minute. Now, even as a creature killin' shit type of film, it's only semi-enjoyable. Even if you are a fan of this genre, you'll find The Cave to be a weak movie at best. If you really want to watch a movie where the themes are isolation and creatures killin' shit, stick with these: Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, The Thing, and to an extent, Pitch Black.

The second movie I viewed was: Four Brothers. I actually expected this to be quite god and was a bit disappointed. Now, it isn't bad, but to me, it's just another movie where some guys have to take revenge for a murdered family member while finding out along the way that it isn't as simple as it seems at first. I really don't have much to say about it other then I just wasn't impressed. I should explained why I was unimpressed but I can't. Time to move on.

Well, since you eagerly anticipate my weekly DVD reviews, I won't let you down. Unless you want me to review these DVDs while fully clothed, in which case, I will let you down.

• The Batman: The Complete First Season - No, this isn't the excellent show you're thinking of. This is the new cartoon which has a young Bruce Wayne going up against...ah shit, I can't even write up a synopsis for this show without becoming horribly depressed and angry. This show sucks Bat-Dick.
• Doom (Unrated Extended Edition Widescreen) - This has nothing to do with the film, but I just discovered that Doom spelled backwards is Mood. That's kinda cool, and sadly, is the only cool part about this movie.
• Elizabethtown (Special Collector's Edition - Widescreen) - Whereas some of this director's previous films have been quite good, this movie just looks mind-numbingly boring and dull. I don't want to see it, ergo, I won't see it. Once again, I rely on you people to tell me if it really does suck or if I'm just being overly critical.
• MirrorMask - This is written by Neil Gaiman, so I'd like to at least rent it to give it a shot. Of course, Gaiman wrote Sandman material, but he also wrote some other quality books like Neverwhere and American Gods, both of which have my high recommendations.
• The Net 2.0 - Did The Net with Sandra Bullock really make enough money to warrant a direct-to-video sequel? The answer is no my friends. I've heard you can find a copy of the on the internet for free download from the movie studio. All you have to do is enter this information: Username: Net 2.0 Password: CraptasticPieceOfShit *Note* Username and password are case sensitive.
• Speed (Collector's Edition) - What do you do when you've got the option to either buy this film or take a bullet in the head? What...do you...do? In this case, I'd buy the film, because it wasn't all that bad. What do you do if you have to buy Speed 2: Cruise Control or take a bullet in the head? What...do you....do? In that case, take the bullet, by God, take the fuckin' bullet.
• Teen Titans: The Complete First Season - I'd take the bullet here too.
• Wallace & Gromit - The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (Widescreen) - It's Wallace & Gromit, so naturally I have nothing bad to say about this movie. Once again, I must be honest and admit that I haven't seen it yet, but it's a Wallace & Gromit movie so it's going to kick more ass than an Electronic Automatic Ass-Kicking Machine.

It's time for me to go now. Much like Mister Rogers, there's only so much time I can spend talking to my audience before an uncontrollable rage sets in. I too must change into my sneakers and sweater and take leave. Until next time, neighbor.

Snippets

I'm really bored here at work. If it wasn't for numerous people inquiring about the semi-broken copier, I'd have nothing to do. So, I'll take this time to spout out meaningless crap.

First of all, Palisades Toys is now officially defunct. Well, they've sold themselves to another company which may continue certain product lines. Whereas this announcement doesn't mean the end of the world, it may mean the end of the Invader Zim toy line. If the line were to end now I wouldn't be too distressed because all of the major characters have been made, but I'd sure like it to continue. Three years ago, I said that it would be an impossible dream come true if Zim toys were made. Now, two waves have been produced and I love them like Gir loves cupcakes. Actually, I quite love me some cupcakes too. There are so many fine figures that can still be produced, such as: Bologna Zim and Dib, organ harvester Zim, Professor Membrane, The Hamster, Poop Dawg, Invader Tak, Invader Skoodge, and Santa Zim. If this line ends, I will shed a tear for another Zim-based property to be cut short in its prime.

I will now speak about a movie for which I have recently Viewed. The movie is called: Unleashed. It stars: Jet Li. I'm sure most of you have heard of this recently released action-film in which Jet Li stars as a man born and raised to live and fight as a dog by his "master" played by Bob Hoskins. Along the way, Li's character meets Morgan Freeman's character and Freeman's daughter who slowly teach him the way the world really works. Honestly, I wasn't expecting much out of this movie for 2 reasons:

1. It is an action movie with Jet Li.
2. RZA, a member of the Wu Tang Clan, had a part in this movie's music. I absolutely hate rap / hip-hop music for several reasons, the least of it being its in-originality. The last thing I wanted to see and hear was another action movie full of brain-numbing rap.

The movie was quite well made, to my surprise. The acting wasn't all that bad, including Jet Li's. This isn't your typical "man needs revenge" action plot. Instead, the plot really centers around Li's need to become a normal, functioning member of society. Sure, there are some cheesy moments, but not as many as I thought there would be. As for the music? There wasn't a bit of annoying rap anywhere in the movie, as far as I could hear anyway. The music actually fit the tone of the movie quite well, whereas blaring rap would have ruined it. Sure, this is still an action film, but it shows that Jet Li is at least trying to broaden his film roles by accepting one that has a lot more depth and drama than he typically takes. If you have some free time, watch it, you may be a bit surprised.

And finally, I'll leave you with two of my newest jokes that I came up with while observing the behavior of children.

Q: What's the difference between a pediatrician and a veterinarian?

A: A pediatrician only has to deal with one kind of dirty little animal.


Q: What do children and footballs have in common?

A: Not enough.


Thank you, and goodnight!