Ahhh Yeah Son! Ahhh Yeaaah!

I have no idea what that subject line means. No idea whatsoever.


I would have posted today while at work, but I had to finish some homework for school that was due a week ago. I'm sure glad that even in a Master's Degree program, I can procrastinate with little regard to my near perfect GPA.

I honestly have little to talk about tonight. I'll probably post again in a few days.

However, I still have the ambition to give you the down-low on the DVDs being released in 36 minutes:

• Blue Thunder: The Complete Series - I never saw any of this show, only the film it was based on. I can't say whether it's any good or not.
• Conviction: The Complete Series - The whole series? What, like 4 episodes? No one gives a fuck.
• House: Season Two - A good show, but not worth buying.
• Invasion: The Complete First Season - You mean the complete ONLY season. Yeah, this show was cancelled too. I didn't watch it though, so it doesn't bother me at all.
• Poseidon - You can't spell Poseidon without P.O.S.
• Silent Hill - Sure, I heard bad things about this film, but I wanted to see it in the theatres and because I didn't, I want to see it now. RIGHT NOW!!
• Threshold: The Complete Series - What is it today with the shitty canceled shows?! Like Invasion, this is another failed sci-fi show about aliens come to take over the world, or eat us, or whatever aliens do. If aliens ever do invade though, Bob's mom is going to be thrilled since she likes being probed in the ass.

That's it. I'm gone.

This is how I roll.

I drive quite a lot. To go to work, to look for toys, etc. So, it's no wonder that I see quite a lot of interesting things while I'm out on the roads.

Take yesterday for instance.

I've heard that it's quite dangerous to talk on a cell phone while driving. I'm sure that this is true, but even so, there are times where even I talk on the phone while driving. However, I saw someone yesterday that had that beat. I actually saw a woman behind the wheel of an SUV yesterday that was curling her hair. She actually had a curling iron and was curling her hair while driving. And, her stereo was cranked all the way up, so in addition to not being able to actually hold on to the steering wheel, she also wouldn't be able to hear someone scream ans she plows over them in her ignorance. A FUCKING CURLING IRON.

At the same stop light, there's a hobo, or at least a guy acting like one, walking down the sidewalk asking for help from the motorists waiting for the green light. Personally, I've had it with these damn beggars on the streetcorners. I don't fucking care if you're homeless anymore. With gas at $3.00 per gallon, I'm lucky to be able to afford sitting at a red light with my engine running, let along giving you money for your wonderful artistic abilites to make a sign with only a Sharpie and a sheet of cardboard. This hobo yesterday walked up to my window and said this:
"Anything helps sir. Even a prayer. God is in my heart, he sure is. Even a prayer helps."
To which I responded:
"I'm sorry, praying for bums goes against my religion."
Am I an asshole? Really, am I an asshole for no longer wanting to put up with their shit? Am I an asshole for wanting to keep the money I've earned? When I worked at Mervyn's, I donated a little bit out of each check to the Denver Homeless Assistance program, or some organization with a similar name and purpose. I agree that homelessness is a huge problem these days. But the money I donated went to things like soup kitchens and the like. How about you go to one of those for a meal you stupid vagrant? If you really REALLY want help, there are places to help you. The streetcorner isn't one of them.

Also, parking lots aren't one of them either. I can't even say how many times I've been walking through a parking lot at a Wal-Mart or Target and had someone walk up and ask for change. They always give some excuse like, "I ran out of gas," or "My car broke down." I don't give a shit. If I'm shopping at a Wal-Mart, do you really think I have a lot of spare money just laying around?

Also yesterday, I saw another man with a sign. Sometimes, signs have a purpose. Some stand on the streetcorners and give their views about abortion. Some rally for new things to vote on in upcoming elections. Some are just crazy mother fuckers who shouldn't be outside in public. This man yesterday seemed to be a rather unkempt, unshaven man. He was standing on a corner with a big wooden sign that read:
"Kerry throws like a girl"
What the fuck does that even mean?!!? If you'd been out with that sign during the last election about 2 years ago, it may have been relevant. But even then, I still don't see what the fuck that means! Not only is it irrelevant, but it's not that PC in today's society. I was hoping a militant feminist would be drving by, see that, and chuck a glass bottle at his head with Nolan Ryan-like speed. Had that happened, I would have parked my truck, and personally walked over to him to laugh at him.

This morning, on the way to work, I see a bumber sticker that reads:
"A Man and his Truck: It's a Beautiful Thing."
Too bad this bumber sticker was on a 1986 Dodge Caravan. Stupid ass.

You know what else I find completely fuckin' assanine? When I see a shitty car and a driver that takes way too much pride with his shitty car. A rusted-out 1984 Monte Carlo with 3 different colors of paint does not need those shiny spinning rims. A Ford AstroVan with no muffler and the back bumper wired on doesn't deserve neon ground effects.

Hell, since I'm on the subject, I might as well bitch about Mexicans, or latinos, or whatever they want to be called. I see these trucks driving around all the time. They've been lowered and pimped-out and across the back window is this fancy script that reads "Tiajauna" or "Chihauhua" or some other piss-poor region in Mexico that their family hails from. If you're so damn proud of that place, then go back there. You don't see me rollin' around with "Ireland" stencilled out on my back window. You don't see Russian people driving around with bumper stickers that read: "Moscow: Represent Bitches!"

If you have any wonderful driving observations, feel free to make note of them in the comments section.

Another frackin' Monday

Yeah, it's Monday, and once again, I feel as though I wasted a whole weekend. Sure, I got some more pegboard hung up in my toy room and I cleaned part of the apartment, but other then that, what did I do? Very little my friends.

Part of the pegboard job required an x-acto knife, so I figured since I'm buying one, I'll buy one of those nice ones with the locking blade and so forth. Of course, to open the damn thing, an x-acto knife really would have been helpfull.

I've been here at my current job for about a year and a half now. For the second time in that year and a half, I've had to deal with a patron who is mentally deficient enough to think we have movies in the library. This woman asked me 4 times in 50 seconds whether or not our library had any movies. Specifically, movies starring Whoopi Goldberg. This is the same thing she did over a year ago. This is a medical library you stupid hag. We're not going to have a copy of Sister Act sitting on the shelf next to Pulmonary Function Testing for your viewing pleasure. I told your stupid ass then that the public library would be the best option, and that's what I'm telling you today. If I ever see you enter these library doors again, I may just have to run you over with a book cart. Hell, let's make it official and dub thee:
Stupid MotherFucker of the Week

As an updat to last week's "In-Law Fiasco," I still haven't heard anything back from them after sending them the e-mail expressing my displeasure of their actions. This could mean several things. It could mean that they understand my point of view. However, I don't see that as being very likely. It's possible that they're angry at my "nerve" of standing up for what I believe in. That's much more likely. At least their mighty and wrathful God hasn't struck me down yet, so I don't think I'm doing too bad so far.

I'll continue this week's blog as I normally do, with the DVD releases for tomorrow.

• 3rd Rock From the Sun: Season 5 - Honestly, this show went downhill a bit after Season 3 or so, but it's still pretty good.
• Apocalypse Now: The Complete Dossier - A good movie, but I've heard this release lacks a special feature or two that was present in the last release, which was the Redux edition. So really, it isn't "complete" now is it?
• Full House: The Complete Fourth Season - If I even so much as see this on the shelfs tomorrow, I'll puke right there in the store. I swear to God, I hate this show well beyond what the laws of physics allow me to hate.
• Hoot (Platinum Series) - Another one of those movies where a bunch of kids gang together to stop the "evil" developers from killing defenseless animals, in this case, owls. I heard this movie blows hard. If you want a film where evil developers are twarted, go with Ernest Goes to Camp. Sure, it still sucks, but it's Ernest.
• I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer - Apparently, this film is about a different group of teens that get someone killed through reckless hooliganism. Also, like the previous film mentioned, this one is also supposed to blow hard. If you don't want me to spoil the film, don't read the next sentence. The killer in the film is still the fisherman guy. Yeah, the same fisherman guy that dies in the last film. The killer here is the ghost of the fisherman guy who avenges wrongful deaths or some stupid shit like that. I'm not kidding here in the least. They should have called this film: I Still Don't Give a Fuck What You Did Last Summer.
• RV (Widescreen) - I like Robin Williams as much as the next guy, but in dramatic roles. I'm sick of his, "Look at me, I'm so funny when I act like a fuckin' idiot" routine. This film got a rating of 23% on RottenTomatoes as opposed to Hoot's 26% rating. Just do yourself a favor and NEVER watch this film.
• Scary Movie 4 (Widescreen Edition - Unrated & Uncensored) - I HATE this entire series. I HATE the fact that with all the good screenwriters trying to get their ideas made into films, Hollywood keeps making this unentertaining SHIT. It's just a waste of time.
• The Simpsons: The Complete Eighth Season - By the time they catch up to releasing the most current season, DVD won't even be an accepted format anymore.
• Surface: The Complete Series - This show was good enough to keep my interest for a whole 7 episodes. It had an interesting premise, but it moved so god damn slow in releasing information to the viewer, that I just gave up on it. Appently the network did as well since 1 season is all it will ever have.
• Survivor: Paulau - The Complete Season - I can understand why people like this show. Personally, I don't care for it, but I can see its appeal to the mindless masses. What I can't understand is how this show has any replay value. Once you've seen it, you've seen it.

Alright, that's it for tomorrow. There's actually quite a lot being released, but as you can see, most of it isn't worth shit.

By the time I write another entry into this blog, the film Snakes on a Plane will be released in theatres. I've bashed this film quite alot. Everything from the concept to the title. However, even I can't deny that Samuel L. Jackson is the man, and even though this movie seems dumber than a 50 lb. sack full of stupid, you have to admire Mr. Jackson's comment when asked about the nudity in the film:

"You have two people goin' to screw in a bathroom on a plane and you know that there are some snakes on there... you know that when that tit comes out, you want to see a snake on that tit! At some point you gonna go, "Man, I know a snake's going to show up somewhere... and hopefully that snake's going to be on that tit!"

Thank you for the eloquent comment Sam. You truly are the master of telling people what they want to hear.

In-Laws Be Damned!

Normally I wouldn't post on a Wednesday like this, but normally, I wouldn't be so GodDamn pissed on a Wednesday either.

Who the fuck do my future parent-in-laws think they are anyway? Normally, I'd say that they're good people, and I get along with them fairly well, but today they can piss the fuck off. While Samantha was talking to her mother on the phone about our wedding in 2 years, Sam's mom asked if we picked a church yet. Jokingly, I said I was thinking about the Church of Satan. Now Sam's parents are quite religious, but they know that I joke around, it's who I am. This happened over a week ago. Last night, Sam's dad asks to speak with me on the phone. Apparently, my joke really upset Sam's mom and I was told that I should apologize to her to "mend the bridges."

FUCK THAT. I shouldn't have to apologize because I "offended" someone with a joke made in MY car in the city where I live about MY wedding. If I called her mom a fat ass, which she is, I could see where she'd be offended and where it might be right for me to apologize. Being told that I should apologize for the joke is a fucking insult to me and what I believe in, least of which is FREEDOM OF SPEECH. I certainly shouldn't have to watch every damn thing I say for fear of "burning down bridges." You don't have to like me, or even accept me as part of the family, but by God, you will respect my rights you intolerant sons of bitches.

The e-mail they'll be getting shortly will explain this to them.

I haven't done this in a few weeks so I'll take this time to award the next recipient of the:
Stupid Mother Fucker of the Week Award
This week, the winner is a man who works here where I do. He doesn't work in the library, instead, he works in the custodial department. Oh how fitting. This man, who from now on will be dubbed Fucky McFuckAss, called me over to help him with an e-mail problem. His problem was, everytime he tried to send this one e-mail, he got a message saying that the e-mail address was incorrect. He was trying to send an e-mail to Wells Fargo about a banking problem, and this was the e-mail address he was entering:
www.wellsfargo.com
News Flash Dumbshit: That's not a fucking e-mail address, it's a web address you toilet cleaning idiot. I find it amazing that in this world of the internet, there are still jackholes who can't work this shit. The internet has been around for public use for over ten years now. If it takes you 10 years to learn the basic principles behind e-mail, it's no fucking wonder you're emptying trash cans for a living. Congratulations you poor dumb bastard. Congratulations.

I'll review a movie for you as quickly as I can. I've mentioned the film Nochnoy Dozor here before as a film I really wanted to see. I'll just call the movie Night Watch as that's the American translation. Night Watch is a Russian film and is the start of a trilogy. The basic plot is the battle between good and evil "others" and how centuries ago, a truce was set-up to prevent the battle from destroying everything. The "others" range from vampires to shape shifters, etc. The NightWatch (good guys) and the DayWatch (bad guys) are supposed to keep each other in check. When an "other" realizes what he/she is, he/she must choose to either be on the light side or the dark side. Along comes this child who's supposedly very powerful, and his choice will determine what side ultimately wins. Yeah, it's pretty cliched.

Now, this film is classified by some, including Bloackbuster, as a horror. I'm tired of movies that aren't horror being called horror films. It cheapens the genre. This movie isn't scary in the least, but I will say, it's interesting. It moves a bit slow here and there which is one of it's flaws. The movie itself almost fails on it's own, but being that it's part of a trilogy, it succeeds in making me want to see the remaining two films.

Upon watching the trailer for this film, I had the fear that the movie would be chock full of the surreal images that the trailer is full of. Surreal can be good, but I also like plot, acting, etc. Surreal images make me say ooh and ah, but too much is too much. Thankfully, the only surreal images in the film were those seen in the trailer. I must add, the special effects for those select surreal images are quite good, but I'm glad they were kept at a minimum. Maybe they'll increase with the next film as the major characters have been fleshed out.

I'm not sure if I'd buy this for my collection or not. I'm on the fence about it. I definately think it's worth a rental though.

Alright, now I'm done. Begone with you from my tasty blog.

The class sucks

As does any class where I'm made to dress up and wear a fuckin' tie for a group presentation. We're all adults here, and we all know how to dress up when the need arises. I don't think I should have to bust my ass to prove to the professor that I can be presentable. And to all of you naysayers, I CAN be presentable, I just choose to be a lazy, unkempt bastard the majority of my life.

Honestly, in everyday life, what does dressing up get you? Absolutely nothing. If I see a guy walking through Target with a long sleeve shirt and a tie on, I don't think, "Wow, he must be a successfull professional and I commend him for taking pride in his appearance." No, instead I'd probably think, "Hey, nice job overachiever. Do you put on a fuckin' bowtie to wash the dishes?" The only time a dressy appearance helps is in a job interview, or to make your parents think you give a shit about Jesus Christ when they drag you to church on Easter Sunday. Actually wearing a tie and shit doesn't matter unless it's required of the job. If it isn't required, then the boss knows the only reason you dressed up for the interview was to suck up enough to get the job. The boss KNOWS you don't care after that, and if the boss thinks you do care that much, then they're too damn dumb to be a manager.

Fuck ties I say! Hell, fuck clean clothes! If I want to run around in a t-shirt stained with burrito sauce and rum, by god, who the hell is my boss to say I can't? The only way we can destroy these social norms is by standing up for what we believe in.

mmmmmmm........burritos......

Speaking of tasty bean-filled goodness has led my mind to the DVD releases for this Tuesday. I wish DVDs came with refried beans.

• The Brak Show: Volume 2 - Oh Brak, you make me chuckle. You're funny Brak, oh so funny.
• Bring it On: All or Nothing - A sequel based upon a movie that only cheerleaders liked. Were there really that many cheerleaders screaming for this film to be made? I don't think so. I Don't Think So.
• Inside Man - A Spike Lee film that isn't a Spike Lee film. Normally, Spike Lee doesn't make mainstream blockbuster-type films. I'd actually like to see this and I'll Netflix it. Isn't that the term the kiddies use these days? Netflix?
  
• Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector - Were there really that many fat guys with trucker hats screaming for this film to be made? The answer to this question would probably surprise me.
• Prison Break: Season One - This show actually wasn't that bad. It wasn't one of those shows that I "Had To" watch, but when I caught an episode, I liked it.
• Sealab 2021: Sason IIII - This show is some funny shit and you KNOW it. Don't try to deny it, you laugh your ass off every damn time you see this show.
  
• Untimate Avengers 2 - Alrighty, I'm torn on this one. The 1st one kinda sucked. however, since I'm a tool for anything Marvel, I want to buy it anyway. Plus, I heard if you buy it at ToysRUs, you get a free Captain America or Iron Man MiniMate. I'm a tool for free toys too. Don't say I didn't warn you though, I'm sure this show blows too.

That's it for this fine evening. You'll be thrilled to know that I typed all this while ignoring my fat instructor drone on about inane shit.

I bet she was looking forward the the Larry the Cable Guy movie.

Tune in next week when I tell you what NOT to buy.

SPAM!!!!!

Ok. Now I realize that almost every E-Mail address is subject to an influx of SPAM messages. Mine however, is much worse. Maybe it's because I've had this e-mail address for about 6 years, but in the last 45 minutes, I've gotten 16, make that 17 SPAM messages in my SPAM folder. I don't know why I'm capitalizing the word SPAM, but it just seems like the right thing to do. Let me entertain you with a few of the SPAM message Subject lines I've gotten recently and my thoughts on them:

• Re: Re: Multiple o'rgasms - SPAM, Now with unnecessary punctuation!
• Claim your $1,000 Kmart Gift Card - I don't think there's $1,000 worth of inventory in a K-Mart.
• scrow98: Cheese Cake Factory Offer Confirmation #BRUQ-8118 - I don't know what all those numbers and letters at the end of the subject mean, but I know that if you can't trust Cheesecake from an unidentified source, what can you trust? That's what my mom always said.
• Earn Your Nursing Degree Online - How the fuck can you learn to insert an IV in online classes?! I can see someone falling for the Cheesecake bit, but this?
• Hungry giIrs paussies phones sprinkled - WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?!?
• CONGRATULATION!!! CONGRATULATION!!! CONGRATULATION!!! - Uhhhhh, thanks.

So there you have it, just a small sample of the shit I get everyday. Some of them are actually quite entertaining.

I have very little to say today. For the time being, I'll blog here, but I'm in the process of setting up a website of my own and hopefully I'll be able to blog there, but the functioning website is a few months away. Anyways, like I said, I have very little to say today, so I'll just move on the the DVD releases.

• Alice in Wonderland (1985) - I'm going to sound like the gayest gay in all of Gayland when I say this, but I'm looking forward to seeing this again. I watched it numerous times as a small child and it holds a special place in my cold dead heart. The cast in theis version is pretty amazing. Who knows, it may suck and I may hate it now, but I'll just have to watch it again to be sure. By the way, Gayland is a nice place to visit, especially this time of year. I wouldn't recommend living there though, unless you really, really, really, like anal sex. Looks like I've found Andy a new home! Ha cha cha cha!!
• Beavis and Butt-Head, Vol. 3: The Mike Judge Collection - I've yet to buy Vol. 1 and 2, but that's not because I don't want to. It's because I'm a poor poor sonovabitch.
• The Black Hole - No, this isn't the Disney film that's actually quite good. This is the made for Sci-Fi channel movie that is actually quite bad. It stars Bender from The Breakfast Club.
• V For Vendetta (Two-Disc Special Edition) - This is a film that I highly recommend and that I'll be stopping by Target to buy once I get off of work today. Sure, there's a single disc version too, but why buy that when you can spend a few dollars more and get so much more. In all actuality, I probably won't take the time to watch most of the special features, but I'm such a tool for the term "Special Edition." It makes me feel special.

And that's it, but a trip to the DVD Hut wouldn't be a wasted trip today, not with Beavis and V.

I sure hope Andy gets internet again soon so he can read that Gayland insult.

Let's try this again.

I was going to post on Monday, as I normally do, but this site locked up when I hit the "publish" button after spending 30 minutes typing. My whole post was lost as was my patience for this blasted site. Of course, now I can't really remember what I was typing about on Monday anyway, so this could either be a much better, or a much worse post. You'll never know.

I talk about movies on this site quite often, because between that and toys, I know very little. Now, I know more than most of my friends, but I attribute that to their lack of ambition and inability to read. I'd draw you all characatures narrating my entries, however I can draw about as well as a can weave a Navajo basket out of reeds. So, in the theme of movies, I'd like to say a bit about a new release coming out tomorrow.

Miami Vice. Now before you bash this film, take not that Michael Mann is directing this. I feel that he's one of the best directors around right now. He's the writer and director of the classic as film Heat, and he's directed The Last of the Mohicans, The Insider, and one of my all time faveorite films, Collateral. The visual style Mann uses in Collateral is simply stunning. If you haven't yet seen Collateral, I reccomend highly that you rent it, or buy it. It won't be money wasted. Yeah, I've heard people say that they won't see Collateral because Tom Cruise is in it and they hate Tom Cruise. Yeah, Mr. Cruise may be a freak, but that doesn't mean you should shun him as an actor, especially when the overall product is amazing. These same people said the same things when War of the Worlds and MI-3 were released. Sure, War of the Worlds sucked, but it wasn't due to Tom Cruise, and MI-3 was pretty darn good. However, I've stopped talking about Miami Vice, so I'll move back to that topic.

Miami Vice looks dark, gritty, and hardcore. All the things a movie of this type should be. No flashy scenes or stupid-ass jokes like the Bad Boy movies have. Sure those movies aren't horrible, but they're not even close to being equal with a Michael Mann film. Also, the cheesiness that the original series had is now gone, replaced by solid characters and visuals that immerse you in the seedy underbelly of Miami. What, did you think I was going to say Detroit? Also, I've always wanted to use the term "seedy underbelly" in a sentence. It isn't just the visual style that makes me want to see this film. I also want to see Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx has won an Oscar and Colin Farrell hopefully will at some point in the future, for I think he's that good.

Forget the trailers that you've seen that may make this movie look uncertain. Take my word for it: This movie is going to kick ass. I'll get off my freakin' soapbox now.

Well I honestly don't have much else to say right now, so I'll move on the the DVD releases. I'm a bit late, seeing as how they were released 2 days ago, but you're all poor SOBs and haven't bought any yet anyway. Here goes:

• Animaniacs: Volume 1 - Come join the Warner Brothers, and the Warner sister Dot, just for fun they'll run around the Warner movie lot. Alright, I won't sing anymore of the theme song, but I know it all just in case you're curious. You would be the dumbest person on the planet to see this on the shelf and not buy it, unless of course you need the money for food. But even then, your excuses mean little to me. I still remember watching the 1st ever episode and hearing Slappy the Squirrel say "Let's not get anal here," and wondering how in God's name that made it to broadcast television.
• The Benchwarmers - I have nothing against comedies, I just have something against stupid comedies. When I'm picking out movies at Blockbuster, this one will be true to title and sit on the sidelines.
• Final Destination 3 (Widescreen) - I too had a premonition. In mine, I saw this movie, and my head exploded out of sheer amazement that they even made this piece of shit.
• Hudson Hawk (15th Anniversary Edition) - This is one of those comedies that you either "get" or "don't get." Personally, I think it's comedy gold and the decapitation scene, and Bruce Willis' following one-liner, makes me laugh every damn time. If you've never seen it, then go do so. It's quirky sure, but mighty entertaining.
• Pinky and the Brain: Volume 1 - To prove their mousey worth, they'll overthrow the Earth. This Animaniacs offshoot is pure hilariousnessicity in its highest form. The Wizard of Oz spoof episode is one of my favorites, although I'm not sure if that's on Volume 1 or not.

That's really all that came out this week. Next week is pretty good too, including a movie that I'm eagerly anticipating owning, so come back next Monday and read my blog, or else two dozen tiny weasels will gnaw through your car's brake lines.

Don't make me send the weasels.

Peacefull slumber my ass!

Sleep is supposed to be peacefull right? So why is it I can't dream about anything good? Sure, on occasion I have the dream involving a hot bikini model who just wants to have sex, but honestly, those types of dream are quite rare and that's really quite dissapointing. Maybe once every few months I'll have a dream where I'm a James Bond type who has to shoot a bunch a people for some save-the-world type reason. I like those dreams. For the most part though, those aren't the dreams I have. I dream about High School quite a bit for some reason. Let me be perfectly clear. I HATED High School. Some of the classmates I miss, but not the environment. At least once a week, I have a dream where I'm back in Mr. Schiwsow's history class listening to him drone on about the civil war while Mike Grummert makes a stupid joke. All those types of dreams accomplish is to depress me, and when I wake up, I feel like I'm headed off to High School for another day. I liked my time spent at college, but for some reason, I never dream of college. Just that shithole called Meridian Public School.

The second type of dream I have more often than the happy sex dreams are the "water" dreams. I'm not conciously afraid of water. I like to swim and showers are quite refreshing. I don't scream everytime it rains, yet I have nightmares involving water. Usually, I'm driving along and there's a huge flood and the road is covered in water, yet I can't turn around. I have to continue. If this scenario happened in real life, it would probably be quite scary, so I can see the realism in this dream. The second type of water dream I have involves toilets. Yeah, that's right, toilets. That's ok, you can laugh. I know it's really god damn stupid, but for some reason, my repressed fears manifest themselves as toilets. Some of the toilet dreams involve me really having to go, but all of the toilets all filthy. I'm talking shit on the seats, floor covered in puddles of piss filthy. The second type of toilet dream involves the toilet overflowing. Toilet overflows are by no means frightening, but in the dreams, I'm terrified. Like I said, laugh all you want, because I too admit that it's stupidly funny. These toilet dreams in no way have any bearing on real life fears. I have no idea what my brain is trying to tell me and I'm not sure I want to know.

Now I'm not saying I have these types of dreams every damn night, but I have them more often then dreams I'd like to have. Dreams are supposed to be the mind's way of escaping, yet my mind retreats into a shitter. Great.

Well, at least the DVD releases for tomorrow are pretty good. Let us bask in the gloryness of the DVD goodness which is Tuesday the 18th.

• The Adventures of Briscoe County, Jr.: The Complete Series - What mook doesn't like Bruce Campbell? A fuck-mook that's who. This short lived series was only on for one season but it sure was damn funny. I highly reccomend this purchase, or at least rental, to anyone who enjoys good television.
• The Best of She-Ra - Princess of Power - As with He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, I'll wait until the complete seasons are released and skip the "best of" discs.
• Carnivale: The Complete First Two Seasons - This series looked twisted and cool at the same time. I want to watch it, but I'm told that it ends in an unresolved cliffhanger due to the shows early cancellation.
• The Incredible Hulk: The Complete First Season - YEAH!!! I'm sure a lot of these episodes are pointless and cheesy, but you'd have to be a Commie to hate the Hulk. Hulk would smash puny Commies. You better believe he would.
• Jack of All Trades: The Complete Series - Another Bruce Campbell series. I never watched this when it was on the air so I'm not sure if it's any good or not. The revewers on Amazon seem to like it so I'll try to rent it when I get the chance.
• Ren & Stimpy: The Lost Episodes - You would be an EEDIOT not to find the comedy stylings of Ren and Stimpy entertaining and juvenile. Oh how I long for a Powdered Toast Man movie.
• She's the Man (Widescreen) - I wouldn't watch this movie even if Bruce Canpbell was in it. Unless he was in it naked. Then maybe.

And thats it. Next week we have some more goooood shit coming out. I'm talking some Take Over the World good if you're pondering what I'm pondering.

Excellent.

Rub my Pegleg...

No, the one in the middle.

Saturday night was a Pirates of the Caribbean: Dean Man's Chest viewing opportunity and by Jove, I took it. Some critics are bashing it, and I can kinda see where they're coming from, but it's still a good movie.

The first one is better, I have no problem admitting it. Some are saying that as sequels go, this one reminds them of Empire Strikes back, both because it's that good and because it ends in somewhat of a cliffhanger. I wouldn't go that far. I quite enjoyed POTC 2, but since it's more of a "part 1 of 2" kind of thing, that's exactly what it feels like, so the movie seems kind of pointless. It feels more like a "set-up" than it does a film with it's own plot.

The movie-going public doesn't seem to care though seeing as the film blew everything, including Spider-Man, out of the water in terms of box office sales this weekend. I knew that was going to happen when the 6:45, 7:10, and 7:45 showings at the Castle Rock theatre were all sold out. Since it's a smaller town, when three showings are sold out there, you know it's raking in the bucks.

One last thing on this film: I was told to stay through until the end of the credits for a final little scene. Don't stay. It's a fucking waste of time. At least the after-credits scene in X3 was a crucial bit of info.

I'll close this review with a pirate joke:

A pirate walks into a bar with this enormous steering wheel stuck down his pants. The bartender can't help but ask, "What's with the steering wheel?" "ARRRRGGH," the pirate answers, "it's drivin' me nuts!!"

On to the DVD reviews for tomorrow's releases:

• Basic Instinct 2 - Does anyone still care about what Sharon Stone looks like naked? I'm looking forward to Basic Instinct 3 starring Betty White.

That's really all that's being released this week. Don't cry though, because next week we have a release starring the best actor I've ever seen: Bruce Campbell. You won't want to miss that.

Behold My Return!!

Yes, I am back from my vacation. And oh, was it a good one.

I got $1300 of G.I. Joe stuff for $100. Well, Shane and I split it, so I got $650 worth of Joe stuff for $50. I found a few other toys I needed along the way. I also found Andy a TMNT fig he needed. I am almost as happy as he is to have found it. I mean, I've been looking all over Denver for the last year to find the bastard for Andy and to actually find it is like a little treasure hunt. I found it in Marysville Kansas of all places. When we stopped by my parents house on the way back, my friend Brian dropped off his comic books that he's selling me. There are a shitload of books in there from the 60's and 70's and a few from the 50's. Sure, a bunch of them have corners chewed off from mice and the other various wear marks that 40+ year old books have, but it's a great addition to my collection nonetheless. The trip topic conveniently leads into...

Stupid MotherFucker of the Week:
It seems as though all of the previous Stupid MoFo's have won their awards at retail outlets such as Wal-Marts or Targets. Today's winner is no different. This freakin' dumbass astounded everyone around with her Wal-Mart Self-Checkout tomfoolery. You see, there was a line of people waiting to use the self checkouts, where, I can only assume, alot of dumbasses can be observed on a daily basis. After scanning her entire cart full of items, she taps the Proceed to Payment button. The electronic voice tells her, and the people in the near vicinity, that her total is $236.65 or something like that. This woman then proceed to take out her cash and feed $1 bills to the machine, taking time after each bill is fed to make sure it went through. ONE DOLLAR BILLS!!! ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!! After about 5 minutes of this, the Wal-Mart employee manning the self-checkouts just said to hell with it, flagged her over, and cashiered the transaction from her podium/station. I almost expected the stupid bith to pull a jar of pennies out of her purse and start feeding those into the machine. Here's to you ya frackin hoo'er.

I'm going to take the next few seconds of your time to review Superman Returns, which I saw a few nights ago. Now, there may be spoilers or there may not be. I haven't decided yet, but consider this a warning. Also, never get involved in a land war in Asia. Not really a warning, but good advice regardless.

I thought Superman Returns was a good movie, for a Superman movie. What I mean is that I've never really cared for Superman all that much. Batman, The X-Men, and countless other superhero peeps are so much more dynamic. Superman is just kind of boring because he's so powerfull. His only real weakness is Kryptonite so if you want to hurt the Man of Steel as a filmaker, you have to resort to Kryptonite again and again. This film resorts to Kryptonite. Superman II actually gave Superman not one, but 3 villians who were just as powerfull as he so sometimes Kryptonite isn't used, but honestly, there isn't much you can do with the Big S.

Routh does a great job as Superman and he is the perfect choice. There were a few moments in the film where Routh looked freakishly like Christopher Reeve and I kinda liked that link to the previous films. Whether this is a sequel to the first two or not is open to debate but it's nice to at least get someone who harkens back to the good old days of Reeve, barring of course Superman III and IV. Keven Spacey is excellent as always and his protrayal of Lex also mimics Gene Hackman's Lex. Kate Bosworth is perfectly fine as Lois. And everyone else is good as well, except for Kitty's character which I'll explain here in a few sentences as to not test your limited attention spans.

The film is a bit sappy at points with its Superman/Clark/Lois/Perry's Nephew romance subplot, but it has to be done, so I accept it. There are bits of humor thrown in here and there and those work fairly well. The only major problem I have with the film is it Hammyness. I don't mean that it's full of Hamsters. That would be freakin' sweet however. Superman battling thousands of Hamsters would be a grand spectacle to behold. What I mean is that it's hammy, plain and simple. I'm sure that's what Singer wanted as a director. In a way, it reminds me of the old time Superman shows with George Reeves. But in this movie, it's just cheesy. It works in a movie such as Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow becasue in that film, the time period and settings are supposed to be hammy as well. In Superman Returns, it comes off to me as being dumb because it's supposed to take place in the present day world. It's supposed to be Superman here and now. I'm supposed to believe that this is taking place and the hammy dialog just doesn't cut it. Parker Posey as Kitty Kowalski has some of the worst lines in this film and I feel for her. I cringed inside during her "rescue" scene after her automobile "issue" because her lines were just fuckin' dumb.

A minor problem I has was the pacing of the film. Sure, it wasn't horrible, but the airplane rescue at the beginning of the film felt so much more climactic than anything near the end. Yeah, the ending had Superman facing great odds, but the scenes of him saving the aircraft were amazinging awesome and I was hoping for some of that iconic imagery to round out the film.

It was a good film, but it could have easily been better. I enjoyed watching X3 more than I enjoyed watching Superman Returns, but I expected that going in.

But of course, you need to see it for yourself to form your own opinion. As for the DVD releases for yesterday, I'll tell you what to think.

• Charlie's Angels - The Complete Third Season - If you buy this, you deserve a swift kick to the gonads. And believe me, I have no problem giving it to you.
• Doctor Who: The Complete First Series - I missed a few episodes of this first season but what I saw of it was pretty good. There are some crappy episodes, but that's the case with most British sci-fi. The season finale was actually quite good and has me looking forward to season 2.
• The Matador (Widescreen) - Critics seem to like this film and it looks quite entertaining. I plan to rent it this week.

That and about 5 other items were all that was realeased yesterday. Normally dozens of items make it to the shelves on a Tuesday, but being a holiday, yesterday was sparse. Next week sucks too.

I leave you with a Chuck Norris fact, just becasue I can:

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.