The Zoo

I realized that I've never posted pics of my pets before. So, here goes.

Flanders, a rabbit.



Pierre, a rat.



Penquin, the other rat. Here he has his bandages and e-collar on from his recent vet experience.



Penny, a guinea pig.



Pepper, the other guinea pig.



Penny and Pepper engaged in their favorite activity, eating hay.



There they are, except for the salamander (Saul Mander if it's a guy and Sally Mander if it's a girl. I can't tell.) and that cat that we'll be getting early next week.

For the benefit of Andy

Since my friend Andy Miller thinks a coat for a dog isn't ridiculous, I'll help him out by offering up a few more pet accessory options. I have provided links so that you may purchase any of these at your leisure.

Since this poppycock started out with a coat, I'd suggest one of these. it looks a lot sturdier than the coat you currently have for the pooch, and with these sweet-ass duds, the dog can go skiing with you. Aspen Faux SuedeCoat.



While skiing, or a nice day at the beach, you'll want your dog's precious peepers to be protected. For that, there's nothing better than a pair of Dogles K-9 Optix Sunglasses.



Next, we have an exceptional item to help your dog unwind after a long, hard day at the office: Bowser Beer.



Does doggie want to run around the apartment without getting cold feet? Well then, Bow Wow Boots are the answer!



Now it's time for bed. Nothing says "stylish sleepwear" like a pair of Zebra Pajamas!



Going to eat someplace nice with the wife? Now, you can take the pet too with this fancy dog tux.



With Halloween coming up in a couple of months, you may want to think about getting your canine friend some identity concealing gear. Here are a few wigs I think you may be interested in getting your dog.

The Bob Marley



The Sarah Palin Now your dog can be accused of numerous ethics violations!!



Clothes on a dog? FREAKING ABSURD!!

Bloody Hell

The blood bank center here in Denver hassles me all the time about giving blood. Partially because I have type O blood, but also because blood donors really are needed. Every time I've had the opportunity to give blood, I've done so. Even back in 2003 when I was on vacation in California, I had 3 hours to kill and there was a blood drive going on, so I gave blood.

Today, the blood bank has their bus parked outside my workplace. So, I go to sign up, and this is what I'm told: "We're full today so you won't be able to give blood unless we have a no-show." What the fuck? They say they desperately need donors, yet they turn donors away? I understand they have time constraints, but they could squeeze another half hour into the day and get at least 4 more donors in. It would be like a food bank turning food away because the canned goods are just too damn heavy, or the Red Cross turning away money for relief aid because the bills are too old. When people try to help out of the kindness of their hearts, and get turned away, it sends a real shitty message.

I'm going to Disneyland.

Actually, I'm going to Disneyworld. We're finally going to take our honeymoon trip at the end of April. I really don't care where we're going, I just want to take a nice long vacation for a change. Normally, our vacations only last a few days. This one will be a whole week.

Why is the classic saying "I'm going to Disneyland"? If you had a chance, wouldn't you go to Disneyworld? Disneyworld is bigger and has more to offer.

You know what they say...

Sometimes, life gives you lemons. Sometimes, life takes a giant shit on your head after ass-raping you for over an hour with a broom handle. Let me explain how shitty this week has been.

BAD SHIT #1: Last month, Samantha gets into a car accident when she's rear-ended by a stupid bitch who isn't actually paying attention to driving. Sam was in one of those on-ramp style turn lanes that merges onto the cross street. Sam was just waiting for traffic to pass and the woman behind her plowed into her full speed. The car ended up being totaled, so we had to go buy a new car.

We purchased a Mazda 3 for Sam. Sam loves the Mazda 3, and I've always been partial to Mazdas. My 1st car was a Mazda, and my current vehicle is a Mazda.

We got the $500 refund check for the deductible we paid yesterday. I deposited it on my lunch hour today. The check hasn't even cleared yet.

So Sam and I are in the fancy new Mazda 3 this evening driving to Chili's for dinner. I'm behind the wheel. I go to turn onto Hampden Ave from Broadway using one of those same style on-ramp merge lanes when the stupid-ass bitch behind me REAR ENDS ME! REAR END THE NEW GODDAMN CAR THAT WE HAVEN'T EVEN MADE ONE FUCKING PAYMENT ON YET!

I'm usually a pretty calm person in situations like this. I mean, I know they're called "accidents" and not "on-purposeidents," but even so, I was about ready to beat the shit out of the cunt. I'll break into my rant to explain that even though I know the word Cunt is derogatory, I just don't give a fuck in this case. The woman deserves it. Plain and simple. Fuck the cunt.

I slowed down to yield for the passing car, both because I had the yield sign, and because the other car had a green light. The woman behind me just keeps on going, and you know what she said to me after the accident? You'll love this, she said "I thought the other guy was going to stop." WHAT THE FUCK? What kind of fantasy world do you have to live in where the guy going 40 mph with the green light stops for the merging traffic with a yield sign? She has to be one of the stupidest fucking whores on the planet.

Now we have to deal with taking the car in and getting a rental YET AGAIN. We have to spend a crap-ton of time on the phone with the insurance company YET AGAIN. We have to pay the $500 deductible and wait for the refund YET AGAIN. All of this because people can't be bothered to actually pay attention when they're driving. People just don't realize that an automobile is a dangerous thing. You're in control of over a ton of metal that goes where you point it. If you're doing 100 and point it at a school, children will die. If you point it at a bus stop, people will die. FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD. Is that hard to understand?

You'll be pleased to know I didn't beat the shit out of the other driver. I wanted to, oh did I ever want to. I'd like to think I came across as understanding for the few words I spoke to her before calling the police and insurance. Of course, I think she understood how upset we were when my Sam's first words to the insurance rep were "They hit my fucking car again!" I don't remember what I said right after the accident, but according to Sam, I screamed: "MOTHER FUCK, AGAIN? SERIOUSLY? MOTHER FUCK. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT!"

I've calmed down a bit since then, but I'm still so very angry.


BAD SHIT #2: I went to the doctor's office last Friday. I wanted antibiotics. I needed antibiotics. They refused to give me any. Now, I'm getting an ear infection. I took enough sick time last week not only staying home, but also to go to the doctors, that I can't afford to take any more to go back. Plus, I paid a co-pay already. I don't want to pay that again. I shouldn't have to pay that again. I'm tired of being sick.

BAD SHIT #3: About two and a half years ago, I bought Sam three pet rats for her birthday. They were named Abacus, Hermes, and Langley. I honestly didn't think I'd care for them at all. Well, I was wrong. Rats are actually quite intelligent animals, and they really do have their own personalities. These 3 rats are brothers. They have spent every day of their lives together. A few months back, Langley died. He got a respiratory infection that he couldn't beat. On Sunday night, we lost Abacus. He too had respiratory issues, possibly cancer. Late Saturday night, into Sunday morning, I could tell he wasn't doing well. I didn't want to go to sleep because I was afraid he'd die alone. It really is heartbreaking to watch a pet struggle and fight for every breath knowing there's nothing you can do, even if it is a rat. Now, Hermes is the only one left. That's heartbreaking too because, like I said, they spent their whole lives together and now Hermes is alone. He's changed since Sunday night. He's moving a lot slower now. He's depressed and he misses his family, and Sam and I can tell. I'd like to be able to say that Abacus and Langley are in a better place now, but I'm not sure if I can say that and believe it. I think they're just gone.

A new rap group

I came across this message online recently for a new, and upcoming, rap group. They sound promising. Take a look for yourself:

Yo, let me introduce ourselves. We're Fonniks, and we're here to dominate the rap world. But, we can't do it without all you players and hos, so it's up to you all to represent while we be makin’ the dopest-ass shit you ever heard. Word! We all hope you like our introductory album which will be hitting on July 17th. As a special treat, here’s the track listing for the album, titled: Hooked on Fonniks.

1. Liquor Lasagna
2. Wednesday Catastrophe
3. Fragile Freight
4. Half Height Giraffe
5. Guaranteed Revenue
6. Mnemonic Masseuse
7. Pleasure Theater
8. Question / Answer
9. Epilogue

Sincerely The Fonniks crew,

B-Hind
D-Lite
E-Claire
C-Zure
P-Nis

More of the usual.

The usual being me complaining about stuff.

It really pisses me off when someone throws a cigarette butt from their moving vehicle. Now I could be wrong, but I believe that most vehicles have an ashtray built in. If not, rip the top off a fucking pop can and use that. If the car indeed have an ashtray, it's probably in the middle of the dash. Maybe it's below the environment controls, or right between them and the radio, or in front on the e-brake. Disregarding its exact position, chances are it's in THAT GENERAL AREA! Instead of using the ashtray like a civilized human being, these neanderthal inbreds toss it out of the goddamn window. Not only is it littering, but it's also dangerous. It may not be a huge issue in the city, but how many forest fires have started with a stray cigarette butt while someone was "appreciating" nature's beauty in their air-conditioned Volvo? Why is the window even open in the first place? To keep smoke out of the driver's face? If the smoker doesn't like the smoke, maybe they shouldn't be smoking in the first place! Is it to conveniently discard the ashes and forget about them? Once again, I present the concept of the ashtray for that solution. Fucking up their own bodies isn't enough for these fuckers. They have to do what they can to fuck up nature with their deadly chemicals too. FUCK EM ALL!!

I've been hearing a crap-ton of commercials recently for these companies who help people get out of their IRS tax debt. I bet you've heard them. "I owed the IRS over one hundred thousand dollars, so I called *insert company name here* and they helped me save 90 thousand of it!" Oh that's just fucking great. EVERYONE else is expected to pay their taxes, but you pompous assholes ignore the laws until you're threatened with prison time, and then you pay a company to get you out of it. That really, REALLY pisses me the hell off. Do these people realize that tax money goes to pay for things like the roads they drive on, the schools their fat children go to, the military that protects them in time of war? Yeah, you saved 90 thousand dollars on the taxes you should have payed, but now three federal employees that make 30 thousand a year just got layed off because the government doesn't have the money to pay them. What's worse than these companies and the scum that use them is the fact that the IRS actually allows settlements like this. Here's an idea, MAKE THEM PAY IT ALL. Not a fraction of it, ALL of it. If they don't, arrest them and make them work the money off repairing roads, or building schools. They can be slaves of the state and fucking like it, or go to prison.

Rapper names piss me off too. Why can't rappers, or hip-hop artists, have normal names? Other musical genres don't do crap like that. Just imagine if old times singers did that. It was Barry Manilow, not Manilow-Rider. Tom Jones, not Tommy J Chrome. If you want people to take you seriously, use a big-person name, and not some nickname that sounds like it came from the mouth of a retarded 5-year old with a mouthful of peanut butter. The worst ones are those that are a variation of another word, name, or phrase. Following are some examples, and yes, these are real rap names: Ice-T, Ice Cube, Ak'Sent, Droop-E, Eminem, K-OS, Kurupt, Ludacris, Mack 10, Vanilla Ice, Will.I.Am, Xzibit. You know what sounds less stupid than Ludacris? Chris Bridges, his REAL FUCKING NAME! This doesn't always work though. Vanilla Ice is much better than Robert Van Winkle. I thought the film Tropic Thunder had a great one. Alpa Chino. Hollywood took a shot at the stupid names, but even they can't top the one I heard today, the one that got me started on this rant. Flo Rida. Yeah, you fuckin heard me right. He though taking his rap name from a state was real cool. It is not. It never will be. I can't wait for this trend to really take hold. We'll have gems such as Al Aska, Indi Anna, Ken Tucky, Louis Iana, Mary Land, and Miss. Issippi. Fuck, when those run out, rappers can move on to country names. Argen Tina. Mya.nmar. Nick-A-Ragua. Pakka-Stan.

Yo yo yo, you betta check yo'self and ready yo'self for the number 1 playa this side of Africa. Give it up for MadagazzKar mother fuckers!!

Word!

Keep an eye out on this blog for my idea of a rap group that should be. You'll be astounded.

What I Hated in 2008

This is is a list of things I hated in 2008.

Starting with general things,

Fanboys that bitch too much:

Seriously, I don't give a flying shit what these obsessive, basement-dwelling fanboys have to say about anything. Oh, you didn't like the new Indiana Jones film because it didn't feel like the old films? Oh, you weren't happy with how Abomination looked in The Incredible Hulk? Oh, you're upset that a black man got cast as Ripcord (a white man) in the upcoming G.I. Joe film? Guess what, NOBODY CARES BUT YOU. I don't see you making these films. I don't see your name attached as director. I don't think the director is calling you for ideas. Even when the studios listen to fanboys, they STILL bitch. Lexi Alexander heard the collective cries of Punisher fans when she made Punisher: War Zone. The fanboys wanted more violence. The fanboys wanted an iconic villian. The fanboys wanted it closer to the comic. Lexi did all of these things and made the film, in my opinion. pretty darn well considering the source material. Yet, the fanboys still weren't happy. I wish fanboys around the world would just SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

Sarah Palin

I can't say I hate this woman, because I've never met her, but I'm pretty sure I would, so she's on this list. I know I hate her ignorance. I know I hate her arrogance. I know I hate her ultra-conservative viewpoints. I know I hate what she named her children. What I especially hate is that she had the nerve to accept the Vice-Presidential nomination knowing that she wasn't qualified. Seriously, what a selfish fucking thing to do. She KNEW she wouldn't be able to live up to the expectations of the office, yet she still did her best to get there even if it meant the country would suffer for it.

I hate McCain too, for being selfish enough to offer the job to her. The only reason he did it was to get the woman vote, NOT because she was right for the job.

Brian not coming to my wedding

Yeah, that's right motherfucker, I'm still pissed about that one. Not that I expect you to actually read this blog. Your irresponsible ass can't manage to pay the cell phone bill on time, so I can't expect you to keep the internet connection active.

Let's move on to television.

The Learning Channel

The name would lead one to believe that you can actually learn something by watching The Learning Channel. That is not true. I hated TLC this year because there was nothing on the channel in the least bit educational. Let me run down the shows on TLC that I hate, shows that have no business being on a channel that's supposed to be focused on teaching.

Jon & Kate Plus 8: A show all about the family life of two parents who have 8 kids. It's just a camera crew documenting the life of this family. I guess I'm supposed to be entertained by the spectacle of a large family.

17 Kids and Counting: Another stupid fucking show about a huge family.

Little People, Big World: Here's another family show, but this one is special because it isn't about a large family. This one is about a family of "little people," or as I like to call them, midgets. The show tries to emphasize that this family is able to overcome the challenges of being so goddamn short, but if you actually watch the show, you'll know the main reason they overcome adversity is through money. The show only ends up proving that you can overcome a lot if you throw enough money at things.

Toddlers & Tiaras: This one is about little kids who compete in beauty pageants.

What Not to Wear: Here's how this show works. 1. Family of friends nominate someone to get a makeover. 2. The hots surprise the person. 3. The hosts throw out the person's old clothes and give them money for new clothes. 4. The hosts help them buy new and fashionable clothing. 5. The person has their hair restyled. 6. The "new" person is revealed to family and friends. I can't tell you how much I hate this show, and I really can't tell you why either. Maybe it's the fact that it sends the message that looks are the most important thing. Maybe it's because no matter what the person's reason is for keeping an old item of clothing, it's tossed anyway because it's not "fasionable." Maybe it's because I think the hosts are insanely arrogant and out of line to assume they know what's best for someone else and spend the entire episode making value judgments and chastising someone elses fashion decisions. Whatever the reason, I hope this show dies.

Those are just a few shows that are on TLC. None of them are worth watching, and none of them should be considered educational.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

I didn't see the feature film of the same name. I don't want to. Sadly, that film spawned Cartoon Network's Clone Wars series, which is infinitely more horrible than the first Clone Wars cartoon series. The first series was actually quite good. This new one, on the other hand, is near unwatchable. The problem with it is, George Lucas believes that in order to appeal to kids, one has to fill a show with childish jokes EVERY GODDAMN SCENE.

There is a major difference between Kid films, and Family films. Kid films are targeted just to kids. These are the films that are so ungodly kid-oriented, that adults would rather kill themselves than watch the film. Kids enjoy Kid films, adults don't.

family films are those that appeal to BOTH kids and adults without having to resort to the obvious kid-friendly fart jokes and the like. Pretty much any Disney/Pixar film is a good example of a Family film. EVERY age group can enjoy those.

Sadly, The Clone Wars is filled with far too many groan inducing jokes and puns that make it unenjoyable for anyone over the age of 10. I hate it because it had the potential to be good, but failed.

Finally, Films

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

No, I didn't see this film. What I hate about it is that it was #1 at the box office for TWO weeks in October. How the fuck can a film this shitty beat out a film like Eagle Eye? I'm not saying Eagle Eye was perfect, but it was leaps and bounds beyond Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Wanted

I had such high hopes for this film. I truly hated the graphic novel this was based off of, so when I heard the plot of the movie was radically different, I hoped that would make it enjoyable. This movie was just goddamn ridiculous. That's the only way I can put it. I'm glad I didn't waste any money seeing this, because had I, I'd be pissed.

Be Kind, Rewind

I did waste money on this one. This is the perfect example of how critics can be horribly wrong. This has a 68% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I saw this rating and thought, "It seems like this film is better than average, I should see it." First of all, the acting was pretty crappy. Secondly, the plot was freaking absurd. Thirldy (which is not a word), the "happy feel-good" ending was so "happy feel-good" that I wanted to vomit.

However, the biggest fault of Be Kind, Rewind is that it was billed as a comedy. I expect a comedy to make me laugh. I don't care how good the writing, plot, acting, directing, score, etc. is. In the end, if a comedy is funny, than it succeeds as a comedy. I didn't laugh watching Be Kind, Rewind. Not once. Not even a chuckle. Last night I watched Balls of Fury. Balls of Fury has a 23% Rotten Tomatoes rating. To most critics, it is a bad film. I laughed, several times in fact. Therefore, it was a more successful comedy than Be Kind, Rewind, which has a much higher rating.

That's it for my What I Hated in 2008 review. I actually hated a lot more, but typing bores me. If I left you out and you feel like you should have been mentioned here, I'm sorry.

I Believe I Hate People

Everyone talks about how good it is to go out and do stuff, and meet new people. Even if you never go out, and just sit at home eating chocolate-covered donuts all day, people say how good it is to meet and chat with people online. We're encouraged to seek out and mingle with the communities around us. Even as a toy collector, I'm on a few message boards with other toy collectors.

You know what? Meeting people is really fucking over rated. More and more, I just meet people I can't stand.

2 weeks ago, I posted an opinion on one of those toy forums. It was about politics. Someone just had to post a comment about how Obama was a terrorist and how he'll bring killer Islam into the U.S., and blah, blah, blah. Whoever that guy is, I hate him. People keep talking about how important it is to vote, no matter who you vote for, but I'm not believing that anymore. I'd rather that ignorant motherfucker stay home than have him cast a vote out of intolerance and racism. Fuck him and fuck his opinion.

I posted a comment in another toy forum. Yes, I know I'm a slow learner. I told myself when I posted it that I won't let any other comments anger me, that everyone is entitled to their opinions, right or wrong. A black guy went on to say that blacks are NEVER racist towards whites. Yeah, that's what he said. How can that not anger me? Blacks constantly point out every instance of racism on the part of whites, but now we're to believe that all blacks are "above" that? We're supposed to believe that blacks don't suffer from racism like EVERY other race on Earth? That's odd, since black people are capable of every other horrible inhumanity, like murder, rape, theft, assault, vandalism, kidnapping, etc.

I'm in Gamestop with Samantha the other day. I point at the Left Behind video game saying, "That has to be the worst game ever." Some curious nerd comes around the game case and says, "What's the worst game ever? I have to hear this!" Was I talking to you? Was I asking your opinion? Did I want you to butt into a conversation you weren't ever intended to be a part of? FUCK NO. Seriously, mind your own goddamn business.

For SirsiDynix, the company that hosts our library system, I am setting up a demo for their new system. Sure, we aren't going to buy it because we're moving to another company, but my boss wants a demo for the library anyway, just to be sure. On October 23rd, I talk to a mook named Steve about the date and time. He says, "November 20th will work, I'll email you tomorrow with a time." I got his email 3 days ago in which he said, "Did we ever set up a time?" WHAT THE FUCK? You're trying to sell your product, and you can't even get back to me in a timely fashion? What an insensitive prick.

Three days ago, at a Best Buy, I was asked by FOUR different employees if I needed any help within a 5 minute span of time. I know it's your job to help the customers, but if you see a fellow employee walking away from the customer, chances are he or she already asked. I just want to browse the DVDs in peace. Is that too much to ask?

Speaking of Best Buy, here's a conversation that went down a while ago:
Me: "Do you have *insert DVD title here* around here anywhere? it just came out today."
Best Buy Employee: *Looks around* "Well, we had some earlier right here. We've probably got some more around, but I don't know where they are." *walks off to help another customer*
You piece of shit. I asked you for help, and all you can muster is a simple "I don't know" before walking off? With all the quality people loosing jobs, a lazy sack of crap like that gets a job? Unbelievable.

Walking into the library, I see a small child wander out and walk quite a ways down the street. In the library lobby, some dumb teenage tramp hanging out with her friends turns and says, "Oh, I better go get the kid," before slowly walking towards the door. Now, I'm not a big fan of children, but if you have a responsibility to take care of a child, then you better goddamn well take it seriously. I can guarantee you that had I said something to her about being a bad babysitter, she would have responded by yelling obscenities at me. That reminds me of another horrible parental figure.

A woman is at a public library computer, with her baby behind her seat in a stroller. Her phone rings, so she picks it up and starts talking loudly. Remember, this is a library. While she is talking, her baby starts to cry loudly. The mother does NOTHING but continue talking on her phone. I guess the phone call is more important than your baby. When one of my co-workers tell her to take the phone call outside, she replies by screaming, "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS YOU STUPID BITCH! I'LL TALK ON THE PHONE IF I FUCKING WANT TO!" Wow, what a nice person to deal with. 16 years down the road, when that kid is pregnant and addicted to crack, that mother will wonder what went wrong, all the while placing blame on everyone but herself.

I'm just sick of dealing with new people. Every time I have to make a phone call to, or meet someone new, I dread it, because I know they're just going to end up pissing me off. To all of you out there I don't know yet: Fuck off. I don't need to know you. I've got enough friends. Chances are, if I do meet you, you're going to be an idiot, a racist, a dick, a bitch, an irresponsible whore, or something else equally as infuriating. Just leave me the fuck alone.

Election day is near

The election is coming up soon. If you're in a state that offered early voting, you may have already cast your vote. I sincerely hope, that for the good of the country, you didn't vote for Andy Miller.

Andy Miller is going to ask you to vote for him. Andy Miller may even offer you sexual favors so that you vote for him. Andy Miller will tell you how important it is to vote, unless you're Andy Miller. Andy Miller isn't going to vote this year. This is a fact. Andy Miller will tell you how important democracy is, yet he willingly forgoes his basic right to vote. Why would he do such a thing? I can't answer that question my friends, but I would like to give you a few names. These are names of others who won't be voting this year: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Kim Jong-il. Muammar al-Gaddafi. Adolf Hitler. Ernst Stavro Blofeld. The monster from Cloverfield. The Romulan Empire.

That tells you something, doesn't it?

Let's talk about heritage for a moment. I'm from Nebraska. You know who else is from Nebraska? If you said Mr T., you would be wrong. If you said Gerald Ford, then you're absolutely right. Andy Miller was born in Montana. Do you know which presidents are from Montana? No United States Presidents, that's for sure. Daniel Johnson is from Montana. Daniel Johnson is on death row in Montana. Daniel Johnson writes poetry. Wait a minute, Andy Miller writes poetry too. What a coincidence. Would you rather have A Gerald Ford as a President, or a guy on death row? Rest assured, Daniel Johnson is a real person, who is really on death row in Montana. I did not fabricate a person like Andy Miller has fabricated “a family that loves him.” We're sick of your lies Andy. Sick.

Now that I think of it, Daniel Johnson would have made a good running mate for Senator Miller. Andy Miller enjoys showering with men, and with his tiny child-like hands, he probably drops the soap all the time.

Unfortunately, I must conclude this post to continue on the campaign trail. The same campaign trail where I listen to the concerns of the American people. Senator Miller isn't on the campaign trail. He isn't listening to you. He's at home cooking a tofu-bean casserole for his wife. His fabricated wife? I'll let you decide.

Thank you.