The rantings of a man smarter than you.

The Zoo

2009-07-23T08:50:00.007-06:00

I realized that I've never posted pics of my pets before. So, here goes.

Flanders, a rabbit.

Pierre, a rat.

Penquin, the other rat. Here he has his bandages and e-collar on from his recent vet experience.

Penny, a guinea pig.

Pepper, the other guinea pig.

Penny and Pepper engaged in their favorite activity, eating hay.

There they are, except for the salamander (Saul Mander if it's a guy and Sally Mander if it's a girl. I can't tell.) and that cat that we'll be getting early next week.

For the benefit of Andy

2009-07-22T15:45:00.011-06:00

Since my friend Andy Miller thinks a coat for a dog isn't ridiculous, I'll help him out by offering up a few more pet accessory options. I have provided links so that you may purchase any of these at your leisure.

Since this poppycock started out with a coat, I'd suggest one of these. it looks a lot sturdier than the coat you currently have for the pooch, and with these sweet-ass duds, the dog can go skiing with you. Aspen Faux SuedeCoat.

While skiing, or a nice day at the beach, you'll want your dog's precious peepers to be protected. For that, there's nothing better than a pair of Dogles K-9 Optix Sunglasses.

Next, we have an exceptional item to help your dog unwind after a long, hard day at the office: Bowser Beer.

Does doggie want to run around the apartment without getting cold feet? Well then, Bow Wow Boots are the answer!

Now it's time for bed. Nothing says "stylish sleepwear" like a pair of Zebra Pajamas!

Going to eat someplace nice with the wife? Now, you can take the pet too with this fancy dog tux.

With Halloween coming up in a couple of months, you may want to think about getting your canine friend some identity concealing gear. Here are a few wigs I think you may be interested in getting your dog.

The Bob Marley

The Sarah Palin Now your dog can be accused of numerous ethics violations!!

Clothes on a dog? FREAKING ABSURD!!

Bloody Hell

2009-05-28T09:34:00.002-06:00

The blood bank center here in Denver hassles me all the time about giving blood. Partially because I have type O blood, but also because blood donors really are needed. Every time I've had the opportunity to give blood, I've done so. Even back in 2003 when I was on vacation in California, I had 3 hours to kill and there was a blood drive going on, so I gave blood.

Today, the blood bank has their bus parked outside my workplace. So, I go to sign up, and this is what I'm told: "We're full today so you won't be able to give blood unless we have a no-show." What the fuck? They say they desperately need donors, yet they turn donors away? I understand they have time constraints, but they could squeeze another half hour into the day and get at least 4 more donors in. It would be like a food bank turning food away because the canned goods are just too damn heavy, or the Red Cross turning away money for relief aid because the bills are too old. When people try to help out of the kindness of their hearts, and get turned away, it sends a real shitty message.

I'm going to Disneyland.

2009-03-11T23:10:00.002-06:00

Actually, I'm going to Disneyworld. We're finally going to take our honeymoon trip at the end of April. I really don't care where we're going, I just want to take a nice long vacation for a change. Normally, our vacations only last a few days. This one will be a whole week.

Why is the classic saying "I'm going to Disneyland"? If you had a chance, wouldn't you go to Disneyworld? Disneyworld is bigger and has more to offer.

You know what they say...

2009-03-06T00:17:00.002-07:00

Sometimes, life gives you lemons. Sometimes, life takes a giant shit on your head after ass-raping you for over an hour with a broom handle. Let me explain how shitty this week has been.

BAD SHIT #1: Last month, Samantha gets into a car accident when she's rear-ended by a stupid bitch who isn't actually paying attention to driving. Sam was in one of those on-ramp style turn lanes that merges onto the cross street. Sam was just waiting for traffic to pass and the woman behind her plowed into her full speed. The car ended up being totaled, so we had to go buy a new car.

We purchased a Mazda 3 for Sam. Sam loves the Mazda 3, and I've always been partial to Mazdas. My 1st car was a Mazda, and my current vehicle is a Mazda.

We got the $500 refund check for the deductible we paid yesterday. I deposited it on my lunch hour today. The check hasn't even cleared yet.

So Sam and I are in the fancy new Mazda 3 this evening driving to Chili's for dinner. I'm behind the wheel. I go to turn onto Hampden Ave from Broadway using one of those same style on-ramp merge lanes when the stupid-ass bitch behind me REAR ENDS ME! REAR END THE NEW GODDAMN CAR THAT WE HAVEN'T EVEN MADE ONE FUCKING PAYMENT ON YET!

I'm usually a pretty calm person in situations like this. I mean, I know they're called "accidents" and not "on-purposeidents," but even so, I was about ready to beat the shit out of the cunt. I'll break into my rant to explain that even though I know the word Cunt is derogatory, I just don't give a fuck in this case. The woman deserves it. Plain and simple. Fuck the cunt.

I slowed down to yield for the passing car, both because I had the yield sign, and because the other car had a green light. The woman behind me just keeps on going, and you know what she said to me after the accident? You'll love this, she said "I thought the other guy was going to stop." WHAT THE FUCK? What kind of fantasy world do you have to live in where the guy going 40 mph with the green light stops for the merging traffic with a yield sign? She has to be one of the stupidest fucking whores on the planet.

Now we have to deal with taking the car in and getting a rental YET AGAIN. We have to spend a crap-ton of time on the phone with the insurance company YET AGAIN. We have to pay the $500 deductible and wait for the refund YET AGAIN. All of this because people can't be bothered to actually pay attention when they're driving. People just don't realize that an automobile is a dangerous thing. You're in control of over a ton of metal that goes where you point it. If you're doing 100 and point it at a school, children will die. If you point it at a bus stop, people will die. FUCKING PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD. Is that hard to understand?

You'll be pleased to know I didn't beat the shit out of the other driver. I wanted to, oh did I ever want to. I'd like to think I came across as understanding for the few words I spoke to her before calling the police and insurance. Of course, I think she understood how upset we were when my Sam's first words to the insurance rep were "They hit my fucking car again!" I don't remember what I said right after the accident, but according to Sam, I screamed: "MOTHER FUCK, AGAIN? SERIOUSLY? MOTHER FUCK. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT!"

I've calmed down a bit since then, but I'm still so very angry.

BAD SHIT #2: I went to the doctor's office last Friday. I wanted antibiotics. I needed antibiotics. They refused to give me any. Now, I'm getting an ear infection. I took enough sick time last week not only staying home, but also to go to the doctors, that I can't afford to take any more to go back. Plus, I paid a co-pay already. I don't want to pay that again. I shouldn't have to pay that again. I'm tired of being sick.

BAD SHIT #3: About two and a half years ago, I bought Sam three pet rats for her birthday. They were named Abacus, Hermes, and Langley. I honestly didn't think I'd care for them at all. Well, I was wrong. Rats are actually quite intelligent animals, and they really do have their own personalities. These 3 rats are brothers. They have spent every day of their lives together. A few months back, Langley died. He got a respiratory infection that he couldn't beat. On Sunday night, we lost Abacus. He too had respiratory issues, possibly cancer. Late Saturday night, into Sunday morning, I could tell he wasn't doing well. I didn't want to go to sleep because I was afraid he'd die alone. It really is heartbreaking to watch a pet struggle and fight for every breath knowing there's nothing you can do, even if it is a rat. Now, Hermes is the only one left. That's heartbreaking too because, like I said, they spent their whole lives together and now Hermes is alone. He's changed since Sunday night. He's moving a lot slower now. He's depressed and he misses his family, and Sam and I can tell. I'd like to be able to say that Abacus and Langley are in a better place now, but I'm not sure if I can say that and believe it. I think they're just gone.

A new rap group

2009-03-02T23:38:00.002-07:00

I came across this message online recently for a new, and upcoming, rap group. They sound promising. Take a look for yourself:

Yo, let me introduce ourselves. We're Fonniks, and we're here to dominate the rap world. But, we can't do it without all you players and hos, so it's up to you all to represent while we be makin’ the dopest-ass shit you ever heard. Word! We all hope you like our introductory album which will be hitting on July 17th. As a special treat, here’s the track listing for the album, titled: Hooked on Fonniks.

1. Liquor Lasagna
2. Wednesday Catastrophe
3. Fragile Freight
4. Half Height Giraffe
5. Guaranteed Revenue
6. Mnemonic Masseuse
7. Pleasure Theater
8. Question / Answer
9. Epilogue

Sincerely The Fonniks crew,

B-Hind
D-Lite
E-Claire
C-Zure
P-Nis

More of the usual.

2009-02-17T20:02:00.004-07:00

The usual being me complaining about stuff.

It really pisses me off when someone throws a cigarette butt from their moving vehicle. Now I could be wrong, but I believe that most vehicles have an ashtray built in. If not, rip the top off a fucking pop can and use that. If the car indeed have an ashtray, it's probably in the middle of the dash. Maybe it's below the environment controls, or right between them and the radio, or in front on the e-brake. Disregarding its exact position, chances are it's in THAT GENERAL AREA! Instead of using the ashtray like a civilized human being, these neanderthal inbreds toss it out of the goddamn window. Not only is it littering, but it's also dangerous. It may not be a huge issue in the city, but how many forest fires have started with a stray cigarette butt while someone was "appreciating" nature's beauty in their air-conditioned Volvo? Why is the window even open in the first place? To keep smoke out of the driver's face? If the smoker doesn't like the smoke, maybe they shouldn't be smoking in the first place! Is it to conveniently discard the ashes and forget about them? Once again, I present the concept of the ashtray for that solution. Fucking up their own bodies isn't enough for these fuckers. They have to do what they can to fuck up nature with their deadly chemicals too. FUCK EM ALL!!

I've been hearing a crap-ton of commercials recently for these companies who help people get out of their IRS tax debt. I bet you've heard them. "I owed the IRS over one hundred thousand dollars, so I called *insert company name here* and they helped me save 90 thousand of it!" Oh that's just fucking great. EVERYONE else is expected to pay their taxes, but you pompous assholes ignore the laws until you're threatened with prison time, and then you pay a company to get you out of it. That really, REALLY pisses me the hell off. Do these people realize that tax money goes to pay for things like the roads they drive on, the schools their fat children go to, the military that protects them in time of war? Yeah, you saved 90 thousand dollars on the taxes you should have payed, but now three federal employees that make 30 thousand a year just got layed off because the government doesn't have the money to pay them. What's worse than these companies and the scum that use them is the fact that the IRS actually allows settlements like this. Here's an idea, MAKE THEM PAY IT ALL. Not a fraction of it, ALL of it. If they don't, arrest them and make them work the money off repairing roads, or building schools. They can be slaves of the state and fucking like it, or go to prison.

Rapper names piss me off too. Why can't rappers, or hip-hop artists, have normal names? Other musical genres don't do crap like that. Just imagine if old times singers did that. It was Barry Manilow, not Manilow-Rider. Tom Jones, not Tommy J Chrome. If you want people to take you seriously, use a big-person name, and not some nickname that sounds like it came from the mouth of a retarded 5-year old with a mouthful of peanut butter. The worst ones are those that are a variation of another word, name, or phrase. Following are some examples, and yes, these are real rap names: Ice-T, Ice Cube, Ak'Sent, Droop-E, Eminem, K-OS, Kurupt, Ludacris, Mack 10, Vanilla Ice, Will.I.Am, Xzibit. You know what sounds less stupid than Ludacris? Chris Bridges, his REAL FUCKING NAME! This doesn't always work though. Vanilla Ice is much better than Robert Van Winkle. I thought the film Tropic Thunder had a great one. Alpa Chino. Hollywood took a shot at the stupid names, but even they can't top the one I heard today, the one that got me started on this rant. Flo Rida. Yeah, you fuckin heard me right. He though taking his rap name from a state was real cool. It is not. It never will be. I can't wait for this trend to really take hold. We'll have gems such as Al Aska, Indi Anna, Ken Tucky, Louis Iana, Mary Land, and Miss. Issippi. Fuck, when those run out, rappers can move on to country names. Argen Tina. Mya.nmar. Nick-A-Ragua. Pakka-Stan.

Yo yo yo, you betta check yo'self and ready yo'self for the number 1 playa this side of Africa. Give it up for MadagazzKar mother fuckers!!

Word!

Keep an eye out on this blog for my idea of a rap group that should be. You'll be astounded.

What I Hated in 2008

2009-01-27T11:15:00.003-07:00

This is is a list of things I hated in 2008.

Starting with general things,

Fanboys that bitch too much:

Seriously, I don't give a flying shit what these obsessive, basement-dwelling fanboys have to say about anything. Oh, you didn't like the new Indiana Jones film because it didn't feel like the old films? Oh, you weren't happy with how Abomination looked in The Incredible Hulk? Oh, you're upset that a black man got cast as Ripcord (a white man) in the upcoming G.I. Joe film? Guess what, NOBODY CARES BUT YOU. I don't see you making these films. I don't see your name attached as director. I don't think the director is calling you for ideas. Even when the studios listen to fanboys, they STILL bitch. Lexi Alexander heard the collective cries of Punisher fans when she made Punisher: War Zone. The fanboys wanted more violence. The fanboys wanted an iconic villian. The fanboys wanted it closer to the comic. Lexi did all of these things and made the film, in my opinion. pretty darn well considering the source material. Yet, the fanboys still weren't happy. I wish fanboys around the world would just SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

Sarah Palin

I can't say I hate this woman, because I've never met her, but I'm pretty sure I would, so she's on this list. I know I hate her ignorance. I know I hate her arrogance. I know I hate her ultra-conservative viewpoints. I know I hate what she named her children. What I especially hate is that she had the nerve to accept the Vice-Presidential nomination knowing that she wasn't qualified. Seriously, what a selfish fucking thing to do. She KNEW she wouldn't be able to live up to the expectations of the office, yet she still did her best to get there even if it meant the country would suffer for it.

I hate McCain too, for being selfish enough to offer the job to her. The only reason he did it was to get the woman vote, NOT because she was right for the job.

Brian not coming to my wedding

Yeah, that's right motherfucker, I'm still pissed about that one. Not that I expect you to actually read this blog. Your irresponsible ass can't manage to pay the cell phone bill on time, so I can't expect you to keep the internet connection active.

Let's move on to television.

The Learning Channel

The name would lead one to believe that you can actually learn something by watching The Learning Channel. That is not true. I hated TLC this year because there was nothing on the channel in the least bit educational. Let me run down the shows on TLC that I hate, shows that have no business being on a channel that's supposed to be focused on teaching.

Jon & Kate Plus 8: A show all about the family life of two parents who have 8 kids. It's just a camera crew documenting the life of this family. I guess I'm supposed to be entertained by the spectacle of a large family.

17 Kids and Counting: Another stupid fucking show about a huge family.

Little People, Big World: Here's another family show, but this one is special because it isn't about a large family. This one is about a family of "little people," or as I like to call them, midgets. The show tries to emphasize that this family is able to overcome the challenges of being so goddamn short, but if you actually watch the show, you'll know the main reason they overcome adversity is through money. The show only ends up proving that you can overcome a lot if you throw enough money at things.

Toddlers & Tiaras: This one is about little kids who compete in beauty pageants.

What Not to Wear: Here's how this show works. 1. Family of friends nominate someone to get a makeover. 2. The hots surprise the person. 3. The hosts throw out the person's old clothes and give them money for new clothes. 4. The hosts help them buy new and fashionable clothing. 5. The person has their hair restyled. 6. The "new" person is revealed to family and friends. I can't tell you how much I hate this show, and I really can't tell you why either. Maybe it's the fact that it sends the message that looks are the most important thing. Maybe it's because no matter what the person's reason is for keeping an old item of clothing, it's tossed anyway because it's not "fasionable." Maybe it's because I think the hosts are insanely arrogant and out of line to assume they know what's best for someone else and spend the entire episode making value judgments and chastising someone elses fashion decisions. Whatever the reason, I hope this show dies.

Those are just a few shows that are on TLC. None of them are worth watching, and none of them should be considered educational.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

I didn't see the feature film of the same name. I don't want to. Sadly, that film spawned Cartoon Network's Clone Wars series, which is infinitely more horrible than the first Clone Wars cartoon series. The first series was actually quite good. This new one, on the other hand, is near unwatchable. The problem with it is, George Lucas believes that in order to appeal to kids, one has to fill a show with childish jokes EVERY GODDAMN SCENE.

There is a major difference between Kid films, and Family films. Kid films are targeted just to kids. These are the films that are so ungodly kid-oriented, that adults would rather kill themselves than watch the film. Kids enjoy Kid films, adults don't.

family films are those that appeal to BOTH kids and adults without having to resort to the obvious kid-friendly fart jokes and the like. Pretty much any Disney/Pixar film is a good example of a Family film. EVERY age group can enjoy those.

Sadly, The Clone Wars is filled with far too many groan inducing jokes and puns that make it unenjoyable for anyone over the age of 10. I hate it because it had the potential to be good, but failed.

Finally, Films

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

No, I didn't see this film. What I hate about it is that it was #1 at the box office for TWO weeks in October. How the fuck can a film this shitty beat out a film like Eagle Eye? I'm not saying Eagle Eye was perfect, but it was leaps and bounds beyond Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Wanted

I had such high hopes for this film. I truly hated the graphic novel this was based off of, so when I heard the plot of the movie was radically different, I hoped that would make it enjoyable. This movie was just goddamn ridiculous. That's the only way I can put it. I'm glad I didn't waste any money seeing this, because had I, I'd be pissed.

Be Kind, Rewind

I did waste money on this one. This is the perfect example of how critics can be horribly wrong. This has a 68% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I saw this rating and thought, "It seems like this film is better than average, I should see it." First of all, the acting was pretty crappy. Secondly, the plot was freaking absurd. Thirldy (which is not a word), the "happy feel-good" ending was so "happy feel-good" that I wanted to vomit.

However, the biggest fault of Be Kind, Rewind is that it was billed as a comedy. I expect a comedy to make me laugh. I don't care how good the writing, plot, acting, directing, score, etc. is. In the end, if a comedy is funny, than it succeeds as a comedy. I didn't laugh watching Be Kind, Rewind. Not once. Not even a chuckle. Last night I watched Balls of Fury. Balls of Fury has a 23% Rotten Tomatoes rating. To most critics, it is a bad film. I laughed, several times in fact. Therefore, it was a more successful comedy than Be Kind, Rewind, which has a much higher rating.

That's it for my What I Hated in 2008 review. I actually hated a lot more, but typing bores me. If I left you out and you feel like you should have been mentioned here, I'm sorry.

I Believe I Hate People

2008-11-15T00:38:00.003-07:00

Everyone talks about how good it is to go out and do stuff, and meet new people. Even if you never go out, and just sit at home eating chocolate-covered donuts all day, people say how good it is to meet and chat with people online. We're encouraged to seek out and mingle with the communities around us. Even as a toy collector, I'm on a few message boards with other toy collectors.

You know what? Meeting people is really fucking over rated. More and more, I just meet people I can't stand.

2 weeks ago, I posted an opinion on one of those toy forums. It was about politics. Someone just had to post a comment about how Obama was a terrorist and how he'll bring killer Islam into the U.S., and blah, blah, blah. Whoever that guy is, I hate him. People keep talking about how important it is to vote, no matter who you vote for, but I'm not believing that anymore. I'd rather that ignorant motherfucker stay home than have him cast a vote out of intolerance and racism. Fuck him and fuck his opinion.

I posted a comment in another toy forum. Yes, I know I'm a slow learner. I told myself when I posted it that I won't let any other comments anger me, that everyone is entitled to their opinions, right or wrong. A black guy went on to say that blacks are NEVER racist towards whites. Yeah, that's what he said. How can that not anger me? Blacks constantly point out every instance of racism on the part of whites, but now we're to believe that all blacks are "above" that? We're supposed to believe that blacks don't suffer from racism like EVERY other race on Earth? That's odd, since black people are capable of every other horrible inhumanity, like murder, rape, theft, assault, vandalism, kidnapping, etc.

I'm in Gamestop with Samantha the other day. I point at the Left Behind video game saying, "That has to be the worst game ever." Some curious nerd comes around the game case and says, "What's the worst game ever? I have to hear this!" Was I talking to you? Was I asking your opinion? Did I want you to butt into a conversation you weren't ever intended to be a part of? FUCK NO. Seriously, mind your own goddamn business.

For SirsiDynix, the company that hosts our library system, I am setting up a demo for their new system. Sure, we aren't going to buy it because we're moving to another company, but my boss wants a demo for the library anyway, just to be sure. On October 23rd, I talk to a mook named Steve about the date and time. He says, "November 20th will work, I'll email you tomorrow with a time." I got his email 3 days ago in which he said, "Did we ever set up a time?" WHAT THE FUCK? You're trying to sell your product, and you can't even get back to me in a timely fashion? What an insensitive prick.

Three days ago, at a Best Buy, I was asked by FOUR different employees if I needed any help within a 5 minute span of time. I know it's your job to help the customers, but if you see a fellow employee walking away from the customer, chances are he or she already asked. I just want to browse the DVDs in peace. Is that too much to ask?

Speaking of Best Buy, here's a conversation that went down a while ago:
Me: "Do you have *insert DVD title here* around here anywhere? it just came out today."
Best Buy Employee: *Looks around* "Well, we had some earlier right here. We've probably got some more around, but I don't know where they are." *walks off to help another customer*
You piece of shit. I asked you for help, and all you can muster is a simple "I don't know" before walking off? With all the quality people loosing jobs, a lazy sack of crap like that gets a job? Unbelievable.

Walking into the library, I see a small child wander out and walk quite a ways down the street. In the library lobby, some dumb teenage tramp hanging out with her friends turns and says, "Oh, I better go get the kid," before slowly walking towards the door. Now, I'm not a big fan of children, but if you have a responsibility to take care of a child, then you better goddamn well take it seriously. I can guarantee you that had I said something to her about being a bad babysitter, she would have responded by yelling obscenities at me. That reminds me of another horrible parental figure.

A woman is at a public library computer, with her baby behind her seat in a stroller. Her phone rings, so she picks it up and starts talking loudly. Remember, this is a library. While she is talking, her baby starts to cry loudly. The mother does NOTHING but continue talking on her phone. I guess the phone call is more important than your baby. When one of my co-workers tell her to take the phone call outside, she replies by screaming, "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS YOU STUPID BITCH! I'LL TALK ON THE PHONE IF I FUCKING WANT TO!" Wow, what a nice person to deal with. 16 years down the road, when that kid is pregnant and addicted to crack, that mother will wonder what went wrong, all the while placing blame on everyone but herself.

I'm just sick of dealing with new people. Every time I have to make a phone call to, or meet someone new, I dread it, because I know they're just going to end up pissing me off. To all of you out there I don't know yet: Fuck off. I don't need to know you. I've got enough friends. Chances are, if I do meet you, you're going to be an idiot, a racist, a dick, a bitch, an irresponsible whore, or something else equally as infuriating. Just leave me the fuck alone.

Election day is near

2008-10-31T18:30:00.001-06:00

The election is coming up soon. If you're in a state that offered early voting, you may have already cast your vote. I sincerely hope, that for the good of the country, you didn't vote for Andy Miller.

Andy Miller is going to ask you to vote for him. Andy Miller may even offer you sexual favors so that you vote for him. Andy Miller will tell you how important it is to vote, unless you're Andy Miller. Andy Miller isn't going to vote this year. This is a fact. Andy Miller will tell you how important democracy is, yet he willingly forgoes his basic right to vote. Why would he do such a thing? I can't answer that question my friends, but I would like to give you a few names. These are names of others who won't be voting this year: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Kim Jong-il. Muammar al-Gaddafi. Adolf Hitler. Ernst Stavro Blofeld. The monster from Cloverfield. The Romulan Empire.

That tells you something, doesn't it?

Let's talk about heritage for a moment. I'm from Nebraska. You know who else is from Nebraska? If you said Mr T., you would be wrong. If you said Gerald Ford, then you're absolutely right. Andy Miller was born in Montana. Do you know which presidents are from Montana? No United States Presidents, that's for sure. Daniel Johnson is from Montana. Daniel Johnson is on death row in Montana. Daniel Johnson writes poetry. Wait a minute, Andy Miller writes poetry too. What a coincidence. Would you rather have A Gerald Ford as a President, or a guy on death row? Rest assured, Daniel Johnson is a real person, who is really on death row in Montana. I did not fabricate a person like Andy Miller has fabricated “a family that loves him.” We're sick of your lies Andy. Sick.

Now that I think of it, Daniel Johnson would have made a good running mate for Senator Miller. Andy Miller enjoys showering with men, and with his tiny child-like hands, he probably drops the soap all the time.

Unfortunately, I must conclude this post to continue on the campaign trail. The same campaign trail where I listen to the concerns of the American people. Senator Miller isn't on the campaign trail. He isn't listening to you. He's at home cooking a tofu-bean casserole for his wife. His fabricated wife? I'll let you decide.

Thank you.

Andy, for your consideration

2008-10-22T16:31:00.004-06:00

As your opponent in this current election, I'd like to take a few moments and illustrate for you exactly how people feel about you. If respected places of worship feel this way about a candidate, then you know he isn't fit for office.

My response about Senator Miller's statements

2008-10-16T20:32:00.002-06:00

That was a great little speech Andy, and I respect your opinions; however, I’d like to respond to your statements, and your factual errors.

Wal-Marts aren’t all that bad. If it wasn’t for Wal-Marts, and their new affordable prescription plan, poor folk like your mother wouldn’t be able to afford their herpes medication.

Cheez-its are a wonderful snack food, and I challenge you to find evidence to the contrary. You can make these outrageous claims all you want, but the American people deserve the truth, the same American people who happily grow fat on Cheez-its. I’d also like to take this opportunity to re-state my position that I dislike fat people.

Your plan for foreign countries seems like a great idea and all, but you’re living in a dream world. Sure, that terrorist will eat his gourmet cookie and watch Wall-e, but then he’ll say to himself, “I’ve still got time, I should go watch another of these fine and enjoyable American films.” The terrorist will then pay to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and his anger at us will grow to unimaginable heights. You think 9-11 was horrible? Just wait until the post-Chihuahua attacks start, and then you’ll be truly sorry.

I am entirely pro-choice. If I’m elected, I can assure you that someone will try to assassinate me. I’m going to need a human shield, and there’s only so much the Secret Service can do. God bless the Secret Service and all, but there’s only so much they can do. One needs a lightweight meat shield to toss up in front of you in a hurry. Tell me I’m wrong Senator Miller. You know I’m right on this issue.

For the record, you voted against essential funding for troop equipment. Kermit wouldn’t have died if he had proper body armor to protect him from the roadside I.E.D. that tragically took his, and Dr. Teeth’s, life. I voted for the troop funding. I was also at Kermit’s funeral. Where were you?

I never said that the ability to fire a shoulder-mounted rocket at a moving vehicle qualifies a person to teach, but it is a really fucking cool skill to have.

Lions in the jungle? What does that have to do with the issues? You’re just insulting the American people with your techniques to distract them from your inexperience. How about you stay on target and focus on the issues at hand?

I was at Dana College for four and a half years, not five and a half. You insult librarians, but maybe if you picked up a book that contained facts, as opposed to your normal reading of poetry and pornography, you’d have the ability to write a campaign speech that actually makes sense.

I’m not an egotistical man. By definition, egotism is an inflated sense of self-importance. This implies that an egotistical person really isn’t as important as he or she thinks. It’s a well known fact that I’m better than Senator Miller.

Despite Miller’s claims to the contrary, he is inferior to me, and his everyday actions prove it. He paints. Painting is a clear sign of arrogance. He’s also a wine-snob. He may tell you he’s not, but he’s a big stupid liar, and his pants are probably on fire. Right this instance, Senator Miller is sitting cross-legged, like many bisexuals, in his lounge chair with a glass of merlot in one hand, and a paintbrush in the other. No doubt painting a picture of himself having sexual relations with John Q. Public’s sister.

Senator Miller said himself that he shops at a grocery store called “Giant Eagle.” Of course he does. Only an unpatriotic individual like Andy would buy his groceries in the hollowed out corpse of a bald eagle, a mighty symbol of this great nation. Senator Miller not only buys his organic tofu-based foods in the belly of the once proud animal, but he also buys little 4 by 6 inch American flags, so that he can wipe his ass with them.

Senator Miler is the wrong choice. If you elect him, he’ll pee on your dog. If you don’t have a dog, he’ll go to the animal shelter and adopt one for you just so he can pee on it. And, once he’s through with that, he’ll put the dog to sleep anyway. Do you want a urine-soaked canine decomposing in your yard, or worse yet, your apartment? Of course you don’t want that. Vote for me, and I promise you the changes you want, not that changes that Senator Miller wants. If he gets his way, sex with animals will not only be legal, but mandatory.

If we wanted to have sex with animals, we’d move to Australia. Tell Senator Miller, no, scream at Senator Miller, “This is America mother fucker, and we’re not about to let you force animal sodomy upon us!”

Thank you for your time.

A few things

2008-09-28T18:36:00.003-06:00

I saw Eagle Eye this weekend. Apparently a few others did as well since it made about 30 million. From the trailers, I didn't really expect to like it. I only saw it because Samantha was at a conference and I had nothing else to do waiting for her. I liked it. I actually liked it quite a lot. A while back, I called what I thought would be one of the plot twists, and I was right, but that didn't make it a bad movie. my suggestion is, if you're planning to see it, don't read anything on it. I would have been pissed to read spoilers of this film before seeing it.

Paul Newman died of cancer. On this very blog a few weeks back, I posted a review of The Sting. Another great actor is gone.

Sarah Palin is a stupid, stupid bitch. Seriously, if you vote for McCain now, you're against the Constitution, and you're against quality leadership. There I said it. Try and prove me wrong if you think otherwise.

That leads me to McCain's announcement last week to "suspend" his campaign to work on the economic situation. First of all, if you've read into the situation at all, you'll know that Obama called McCain personally to talk about a joint statement on this very matter. After the call, McCain made the announcement himself in a pathetic attempt to one-up his opponent. Secondly, what the fuck is McCain's involvement in the matter going to help anyway? Like one more brain working on this issue is going to solve it? Where was McCain's valuable "input" on all the other decisions made without him while he was campaigning?

The Presidential debate last week was great because it just showcased that Obama has ideas, whereas all McCain has is the "Obama is inexperienced" argument. In my opinion, McCain has no right playing that card after picking Palin, whos only political experience is voting against people's rights and being able to see Russia on a sunny day from her home in Mooselandia. She's going to look like such an uneducated backwoods hick in the upcoming debate, and that pleases me greatly.

Another damn fine film

2008-08-20T21:21:00.004-06:00

Here's another film you should watch again. Yes, I said I'd stop doing it...but I LIED!!!! Mwuhahahahahahaha!

The Sting

I picked up the special edition on sale at Barnes & Noble a few weeks back. I hadn't seen it since I was a kid, and even then, I remembered nothing about it. Well, almost nothing. It's odd what you remember, because up until I re-watched it tonight, whenever I heard this film mentioned, the image of a long outside staircase popped into my head. Sure enough, that staircase was in the film. It's weird that I remembered that and nothing else. The Sting stars Robert Redford and Paul Newman, who are spectacular, Newman in particular. The basic plot is Newman and Redford set out to pull an elaborate con after a friend of theirs is killed. I've never seen Ocean's 13, but from what I hear about the plot, it seems like The Sting may have been an inspiration. Hell, it's hard for a classic film like this not to influence future films.

This may be one of those films that you've never seen, due to it's age. It was released in 1973. It actually won best picture that year too, but that really isn't the reason to watch it. many undeserving films have won best picture. The reason to watch it is because it's just a damn enjoyable film. Hollywood is increasing the frequency in which they re-make films, which is a damn shame. Some idiot will undoubtedly pitch the idea of The Sting re-make to a studio, just because that's the way things work nowadays. Why write a new movie when you've got a library of old films to re-make and rape? Seriously, if they re-make this, I'll fuckin' cry.

If you have seen it already, then you know you should watch it again. I shouldn't have to tell you. But then again, some of you are like children, and you need me to guide you along.

Watch it.

Do it.

Do it now.

What are you waiting for?

Do it.

If you don't watch it, you're getting a time-out, I swear to God.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

2008-08-19T01:10:00.003-06:00

A few months ago, I FINALLY take the initiative to budget our money and keep close record of what we spend. In the last week though, none of that's fucking mattered as our bank account has see-sawed from a positive amount to a negative one over and over....and for once, NONE of it is my god damn fault.

First: Even though our apartment complex said they'd hold our rent check until the 7th of August. They cashed it on the 4th. That put us negative quite a bit. The bank was going to charge us 20, yes 20, overdraft fees for multiple charges that were processed after that. They went easy on us and only charged us 6 seeing that is wasn't out error. Of course, all the apartment complex had to say was, "Oops, sorry 'bout that." Then we got paid, and were back in the positive.

Second: Sideshow toys charged us $350 for a diorama on August 15th. That's great and all, but they tried to charge us for the same diorama on July 8th. I called and canceled it then, I closed my account there on the same call. Yet, on August 15th, they had no record of us canceling the order, the refund they gave us, or the canceling of our account. That charge put us into the negative until they called the bank. Also, we found out that we had about $150 in cashback money that we transfered over. That left us back in the positive with more than I had before the fuck up.

Third: We had to go to the vet tonight for an emergency visit for one of our rats. I went to do a small cash advance to make sure we had money for the rat just in case it was expensive. At the same time, I looked at our savings account. Our total in the savings account read: $1,252.54. We spent all of our savings on the wedding, pretty much, so we shouldn't have that much. You want to know how much should be in our savings? $50. On August 11th, 1,202.54 was deposited into the savings. We didn't do that. Of course, U.S. Bank's wonderful fucking computer systems are down, so they can't give us any details on the deposit. I'd sure love to spend the money, but I'm not touching it, because I know it isn't ours, and the minute I do spend it, they'll want it back. Tomorrow, we have to make time to physically go to the bank to figure it out.

Fourth: The vet bill was $146.20. I gave the woman at the vet office my Visa card, and the dumb fucking skank accidentally added another number. Yay! We got charged $1,496.20! Yay! She processed a refund, but we all know that those don't go through as quickly, so our account shows us being over $900 negative because the refund hasn't shown up yet. I called the bank, and of course, they can't remove the authorization charge until they speak with the vet's office. I tell him, "I've got their number right here, give them a call and we can do this conference call style and get it worked out." The bank guy says, "Oh, we don't call out, they'll have to call us." FUCKING SONS OF FUCKERS! now, I have to call the vet and give them my account info, so they can call and work through the automated menus and shit. After I do that, I wait about 10 minutes. The vet calls me back and says "I called them, but their systems are down, so they want me to call back in 30 minutes." WHAT THE FUCK? Their systems are down? Their systems were working fine enough to process the $1,500 charge, but they're "down" when there's a mistake to be corrected? I'M SO GOD DAMN ANGRY. The rat will have to go to our regular vet tomorrow for an additional item, and how the fuck are we supposed to pay for that with a negative $900 balance? How the fuck am I supposed to get to work if I can't buy gas? These bitches better get this shit straightened out by morning, or I swear to God I'm going to go motherfucking postal.

Do you realize how fucking aggravating this is? I'm doing EVERYTHING in my power to keep our finances straight. I'm trying to fix my credit and get my shit together. I'm making a huge effort to make sure I never go negative again. Yet no matter what I do, people keep raping my bank account over, and over, AND MOTHERFUCKING OVER. I can't describe to you all how pissed I am right now. It's getting close to 2 a.m. in the fucking morning, and I can't go to sleep because I want to make sure this problem gets fixed. I have to be at work at 8 a.m. tomorrow do do a huge update on 30 computers before the library opens at 10 a.m. I have at least 2 meetings I have to attend later in the day, in addition to the routine tasks I'm now being given. It's the 1st really busy day I'll have there, and I won't be able to get any sleep because someone else fucked up. If I fuck up, I'll gladly take responsibility for it and the consequences, but all I've been doing lately is picking up the pieces for everyones else's fuck ups.

Hey, imagine that. I just checked the account and the $1,500 fee has been removed. So now I'm good, at least until the higher powers that be decide to fuck me up the ass again.

I'm going to bed.

So I lied

2008-08-12T20:58:00.002-06:00

So there won't be a blog every week about an old movie you should watch again. I never really planned to have one. I tricked you because I'm sneaky like that.

However, if you do want to watch a few old movies again, I can tell you a few that I've watched recently that I can recommend.

TRON - This has always been one of my faves. I got a look at the footage shown at San Diego Comic Con for TRON 2. Oh my sweet fucking christ it's going to kick ass. Now, it may have been test footage that won't actually appear in the film, but it was cool enough to make me watch the first one again.

Starship Troopers - Part 3 that was just released is what made me revisit part 1. Despite a few huge flaws, Starship Troopers is still a fun film.

I'm in the second week of the new job. So far, it's going quite well. It's going to sound odd coming from me, but I'm actually a little bored and hoping to get stuff to do. It's early enough that I haven't gotten the passwords to some of the programs needed for routine tasks. It's also early enough that people haven't laid a lot of problems on me as to not "overwhelm" me. The problems that have been laid on me, like this morning's, have been so goddamn stupid, that I almost feel bad for taking $21 an hour from the library to solve them. When I solved the problem today, I almost felt like asking the person if this was cutting into their storytime or naptime. Today, I spent about 2 hours putting together the new bookcase for my office. Hank, the director, asked if I wanted maintenance to do it, but I was so freakin bored I took up the task. Of course, putting together crappy particle-board furniture means that something will break and the guy putting it together will fill with rage at the farsighted fuck who drilled the holes in some shithole Arkansas factory for $6 an hour. "Hey, for this one, let's drill the hole to within a fly's asshair of the other side of the board, so that the slightest pressure will crack the whole thing like an egg!"

Samantha got her new Social Security card today, so she's is officially Samantha Crow in the eyes of "the man." I could have given a shit less whether she changed her name or not, but now she's happy because people won't constantly mispronounce her name.

I'm thinking that Samantha and I should start looking into buying a house. The pros would be not throwing away $700 a month on rent with nothing to show for it. Also, I'd have more room. The cons are that I'd have to do the maintenance on the house, whereas now, the apartment complex does it for me. Also, I HATE the process of applying for loans and stuff. I'd rather go to the dentist than go through the credit checks, paperwork, and everything else that goes along with those types of things. hey, I should put that as my poll for this week. I want your advice. Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to you.

I think we're going to see Tropic Thunder sometime in the next few days. Normally, I don't pay to see a comedy in theaters, but I laughed out loud at a scene in the red-band trailer, and that's pretty rare for me. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

Something you should watch again.

2008-07-30T13:08:00.003-06:00

I don't want to review new films on this blog, so I'm going to start highlighting a film each week that you should watch again. Yes, you've probably seen the film before, but I'm telling you that you should watch it again.

This week, the film is Dark City. I'm not even going to tell you anything about the plot, because you've already seen it, or you haven't, in which case, it's fun going into this knowing nothing about it.

Dark City

The version I've linked to on Amazon is the Director's Cut which was just released yesterday. So, technically, you haven't seen this version before, but you get the idea. I did buy this DVD yesterday at Wal-Mart, after an infuriating experience with Best Buy. I would rather buy DVDs at Best Buy, but apparently they don't want my business. I watched it last night because I just had to see what was different about the Director's Cut.

It turns out that there isn't a whole lot different about the Director's Cut, which I like. Since I love the original, I would be pained to see the additional footage actually hurt the end product. That happens with some extended cuts of films. In this case, the extra footage wasn't really whole blocks of scenes, but extended cuts of existing scenes. The box says that about 12 minutes of footage was added, but it was added so seamlessly that I couldn't remember, in some cases, whether it was a new bit or not.

Speaking of the director, Alex Proyas, he's the man who directed the first, and only good, Crow film. he also directed I, Robot. Not a spectacular film there, but not horrible either. Proyas is one of these directors that puts a lot of emphasis on making the film visually unique. The Crow had a distinct look and feel to it, and Dark City is no exception. Even though I've watched this film at least 6 times, I'm still stunned by its look. Even before the dialogue starts, you know you're in for a treat.

I should mention the actors as well. Rufus Sewell plays the main character John Murdoch. Rufus Sewell hasn't had a lot of starring roles in his career, which is sad, because he's great here. I can only think of one other film he's been in without looking at IMDB, and that was Bless the Child. Although that film was lackluster, he was an outstanding villian. Just an evil, twisted fuck. Jennifer Connelly plays John's love interest. She's not only an amazing actor, but she's amazingly beautiful as well. The Incredible Hulk was better than Ang Lee's Hulk, but Liv Tyler has nothing on Jennifer Connelly. Jennifer Connelly s a better actor, she's better looking, and the chemistry between her and Eric Bana far surpassed what Tyler and Norton had. I'm still cheesed off about that casting decision.

Kiefer Sutherland is in the film as the doctor trying to push Murdoch towards the truth, while at the same time trying to cover his own ass. Sutherland's role is a creepy one, with how he speaks, and shuffles around like a paranoid hobo. He's also got my favorite line in the movie. William Hurt is in the movie too. Seriously, when is he not good?

If you've seen this film before, then watch it again. If you haven't yet gotten the chance to see it, then see it! Next week I'll pick a different film.

I've said it before, but it feels really good not to give a shit.

2008-07-28T14:02:00.004-06:00

I have a week left at this current job. I'm not going to slack off, but I have a bit more freedom than I had before. Just this morning, for instance, I'm refreshing a Hasbro Toy Shop page every 20 seconds waiting for them to make some G.I. Joes available that will sell out within 5 minutes. If I miss this chance, there is NO way I'll get these figures at a reasonable price later. My boss walks up to me at the exact moment they become available. This is how the conversation went:

BOSS: "We should meet now and go over a few projects."
ME: "It's going to have to wait a few minutes."
BOSS: "Are you busy with something else?"
ME: "Just placing a very important online order. It'll take a few minutes before I get my confirmation. We can meet then."

It felt so god damn good to be able to brush aside the boss like that. I may not have done that if I was planning on keeping this job.

It turned out to be more like 45 minutes, since Hasbro's site couldn't handle the traffic and turned into a giant clusterfuck of page load errors and "Your order can not be completed, please try again later" messages. I did manage to get my order placed, but a large numbers of others never got the chance. Hasbro KNEW this was going to happen, and yet they couldn't make sure their site was up to the challenge. 40 years ago, humanity sent men to the moon in what was, by today's standards, a garbage can on top of 3,000 tons of high-explosives. Today, we can't figure out how to keep a server operation more than 10 minutes? Give me a fuckin' break.

I was going to go see the new X-Files film this last weekend, but I've heard that it's not worth it. I'm not saying that the series was always top notch, but it at least frequently freaked me out. The movie doesn't even do that well apparently. This means I can put that money towards Tropic Thunder next month, or Star Wars. but personally, I think Star Wars is going to suck. Face it fanboys, George Lucas is a tired old man who ran out of good ideas years ago, and good directing skills long before that. Yeah, Lucas isn't directing The Clone Wars, but you know he had his twisted cock of influence so far up the director's ass that he may as well be directing it.

While we're on the Star Wars topic, you should all be very proud of me for restraining myself. I could have bought the new Millennium Falcon playset a few days ago. I could have spent $150 plus tax doing so. Yet, I didn't. Maybe with my new job I'll have the money, but logic and reasoning prevailed for the time being. Gods it is a beautiful thing though. 2 1/2 feet across, with lights, sounds, automatic opening hatches, and a cockpit that can actually fit 4 figures. Take a look at these 2 pics. The first is a shot of the new Falcon next to the previous Falcon. The 2nd just shows you all the inside space. It just reminds me of the huge playsets we kids used to have, like the Flagg and the Defiant. Plus, I never had a Falcon before.

That's it, I'm out.

You were all WRONG!!

2008-07-21T10:58:00.002-06:00

Pretty much everyone told me that even though Sam and I have been together over 7 years, it would "feel different" being married. It doesn't. My ring finger feels different, because it has a ring on it now. That's really the only difference I sense.

I guess I may feel different had our life before the wedding been short. Our engagement alone was almost 2 years long, which is almost 2 years longer than Brian knew his wife before they got married. I'll take this opportunity to once again state what a fucking idiot Brian can be.

The wedding itself was damn-near perfect. I anticipated a problem or two, but the only problems were minor ones. People kept asking if I was nervous. Once again, after 7 years, it's not that big of a deal. It's not like I was going to get overwhelmed and run out of the chapel screaming and crying. The ONLY time I was a bit overwhelmed during the whole weekend was the Thursday before the wedding while I was visiting Sam's parents' hotel room. A bunch of other family members and friends were also there, and it just hit me that all of these people are here for Sam and I. All of these folks took time off from work and spent a crap-ton of money on gas or plane tickets to see us. All of these people are here together in the same room after all these years simply because of us.

I'm back at work now. I'd rather not be here. After almost 2 weeks off, going back to a job really sucks. Also, I'd rather just get this job over with and move to my new one, so that makes being here even tougher, knowing that it's really just wasting time while my boss finds a replacement.

I've nothing else to say. I think I'm going to go eat my bologna sandwich now.

Friendship

2008-07-08T23:04:00.003-06:00

I'm getting married in 4 days. I seriously had a hard time deciding who I was going to ask to be in my wedding party. I chose Cody, Brian, and Gerry. I was also considering: John, Shane, Andy, Travis, and Joey. All good friends. All of whom I respect and care for. I chose these three folks out of all the choices because I've known them the longest, because I want them there the most. Because I wanted them to know that they matter.

I asked these folks close to two years ago to be in my wedding. This afternoon, Brian told me that he may not have the money to make it here. I've known Brian for over 10 years. I consider him one of my best friends. I guess the feeling isn't mutual. Sure, he says that I'm one of his best friends, but when it comes down to the wire, actions speak louder than words.

He had two years to save up gas money and food money. That's all he needed. I would have given him a place to sleep. Instead of planning, he waits until the very last minute to sell a car for quick cash. Well, it seems the other guy doesn't want to buy the shitty car. Brian wants $1500 for the car. The guy offered him $1000. Brian turned it down. So instead of taking a small hit, and being able to attend my wedding, he chooses not to sell it and guarantees that he can't make it. Thanks a lot jerk.

Now, I have to ask John to be a groomsman 4 days before the wedding. I have to ask him to buy a suit at the last minute. John doesn't have a lot of money either. He had to do extra handy-man type jobs in order to pay for gas. His wife is expecting another child anyday now. It's not fair to put this upon him, but I have to because Brian decided to screw me.

I would do EVERYTHING in my power to attend if I were in his position. I have been in his position and I did make it, because friendship calls for sacrifices.

People told me that I shouldn't ask Brian. That he's unreliable. But I asked anyway, because I wanted him there. Because I trusted that he's do this for his friend. I stuck up for him and told everyone, "You'll see, he'll make it." I was wrong, and they were all right. That's what I get for trusting in a friend who doesn't bother putting any effort into his relationships. I won't make that mistake again.

Spam

2008-07-07T15:29:00.002-06:00

People sending me emails better make the subject lines a bit clearer. I got one yesterday that I deleted. The subject line was: Welcome Aboard! The sender is Hank Long.

Hank Long. Seriously, I just assumed it was spam instead of an email from my future boss welcoming me to my new job. At least his first name isn't Richard, because that would be unfortunate.

I better get good wedding gifts from these assholes

2008-07-07T09:25:00.002-06:00

So we sent out wedding invitations quite a while ago, with specific instructions to RSVP by a certain date, so that we could make sure we get enough tickets. In the last 4 days, I've had 4 people tell me: "Oh, did I forget to RSVP? I'm planning on coming, so I'll need tickets"

Yes, you forgot to RSVP you ignorant fucks. We're paying for the goddamn tickets, and we even paid for the goddamn stamp for them to send our RSVP back, FREE OF CHARGE. They could have sent it back anytime in the last 60 days, instead, they wait until 6 days before the wedding to verbally tell me.

So who has to call the woman taking care of our wedding and see if she can rush us a few more tickets? That's right, me. Not them. Not the fuckers who so badly want to come to our wedding, but are too mother fucking busy to be bothered to tell us in advance.

I'll remember these clowns when it comes time to open gifts. No one else technically has to give us gifts, but these four assholes better pay up, and pay up good.

2008-06-20T09:24:00.003-06:00

Along with the new look to this blog, you'll see an ad banner for Bartertown Comics on the right side of the page. Bartertown Comics is a new business my friend Shane is starting up. His site doesn't have a lot on it yet, but his inventory will grow as he continues to order new product. Also, if you're a regular comics buyer, and are sick of the fat bastards in your local comic shop, drop Shane a line, and he'll be more than happy to start ordering your titles. I beleive that he even throws in a free bag and board with each comic. He'll also order toys, trade paberbacks, graphic novels, statues, and other assorted merchandise that makes us nerds squeal with girlish delight.

I came up with the business name by the way. Shane couldn't think of anything good, so I dug deep into my creative "pool" and pulled that gem out.

Class reunion and such

2008-06-17T10:11:00.004-06:00

Yep, I had a 10 year class reunion last weekend. As these things always are, it's never what you expect. For instance, in an email a few years back, I called one of my former classmates a "knuggle-dragging, heavy-breathing redneck." That classmate happened to see that email and I heard that he wanted to kick my ass because of it. Now, I didn't expect him to actually kick my ass, but I did expect him to say something about it, or at lease be a bit angry towards me. In actually, I talked to him more than anyone at the reunion, and he took no offense at my name-calling. I always thought he didn't care for me in high school, and it turns out that it was actually the exact opposite. He didn't think anyone liked him. I probably would have talked to him more in high school had I known. He's not a bad guy....for a dumb-ass redneck.

The rest of my little vacation was mediocre at best. My cell phone, although still usable, got sat on and smashed up real good. I went boating and "tubing" behind the boat, consequently I was so god damn sore that I could barely use my arms the last 2 days. Also, on the way back to Denver, I managed to see the only Colorado State police officer that I've EVER seen in my 5+ years of driving I-76. He saw me about 10 seconds before I saw him. His radar gun saw me too. I was going fast enough that he didn't even bother asking for my reasons or pretending to care. It was actually the quickest ticket I've ever received.

The wedding is coming up in less than 30 days. Plans are coming together quite nicely. Last week, we talked to the pastor who will be marrying us. I wasn't looking forward to that at all, especially since he is Catholic. The last thing I wanted to do was sit there and lie about my faith so that he'd agree to marry us. It turns out that he's a Reformed Catholic, which basically means he's like an Episcopal pastor. He never asked about my faith or beleifs. He's not making us do the wedding counseling thing because he thinks it's a waste of time. He charges less than the other people on the list, and he's done the ren-fair wedding lots of times.

I have a job interview on June 26th for a professional library job. I make about $15 an hour where I'm at now. This other job would be at least $21 an hour. I have to start paying back student loans soon, so that would be a welcome increase in pay. Plus, I'm anxious to actually get into my field in a professional manner, not this glorified secretary's job I have now.

I'm going to go see The Incredible Hulk tonight. Hopefully it doesn't blow.

Later.

We bitch way too much

2008-05-06T14:00:00.002-06:00

As Americans, we bitch and complain way too much. Even with a shitty President and a shitty economy, we don't know how good we have it until something horrible happens elsewhere in the world.

Take Hurricane Katrina for example. The whole country, and the south in particular, raised hell because no one did anything to protect New Orleans when they knew it would someday happen. When it did happen, we were appaled at the lack of response on both state and federal levels. At least 1,836 people dies because of Katrina.

Now, you've all seen the news story about Cyclone Nargis that hit Burma. A cyclone is basically a hurricane. A meteorologist would say there are differences, but you and I both know that they're very similar. 22,000 people are confirmed dead with another 41,000 people missing. Those numbers will go up. Think about that for a minute. Twenty Two Thousand.

Yes, our country has seen better days, I'll admit that. However, even with the slow response of the goverenment, ONLY 1,836 people died in Katrina. At least the people in Katrina had houses that didn't fold up and become shrapnel in winds over 75 mph. At least the folks in Katrina weren't so god damned poor that they had to cram their entire families in those piss-poor shacks just to have some kind of a roof over their heads.

We consider Katrina to be one of this country's worst natural disasters. The Indian/Burmese region has lost at least 470,000 people to cyclones in the last 35 years or so, and that's just the total from FOUR cyclones. That's not even counting the tsunami in 2004. In fact, on the list of the 10 worst natural disasters in history, none of them are in the United States.

25,000 people died of starvation every day in 2003. That's over nine million dead in a single year. Think about that, and then tell me that we as a country have a reason to bitch.

The death of Christ! YAY!!!!

2008-03-12T13:10:00.001-06:00

I’m not a highly religious individual, but nonetheless, I was thinking about the Easter holiday while eating lunch today. Specifically, I was thinking about Good Friday. Good Friday is the day when Jesus died upon the cross. Let me cement the point here: Jesus. Died.

Why the fuck would you call it Good Friday? Honestly, I’m pretty sure that, at least for Christians, Jesus dying isn’t something especially good. Some may say it caused good things later, but I doubt the death itself was very good.

Maybe it should be called something else. Bad Friday? Conditions Less than Favorable Friday? This Being Nailed to a Cross Shit Really Fucking Hurts Friday? I’m not saying my suggestions are the best, I’m just saying that “Good” doesn’t really capture the mood of the day quite right.

I was doing a bit of research on Good Friday and learned that different cultures have different names for the day. In much of Eastern Europe, it’s called Great Friday, an even shittier name. In Latin America, it’s called Holy Friday. That’s not too bad. In the Nordic countries, it’s called Long Friday. Once again, not too shabby. The Arab peoples are a bit closer because some of them call it Sad Friday. That seems pretty spot-on. It’s the Chinese though that really describe it properly. Their name for Good Friday translates to “Day of Christ’s Suffering.” There you fucking go! Leave it to the Chinese to actually make sense. It would have been a Good Friday if Jesus had been Chinese. They would have tried to catch him to nail him to the cross, and he would have gone kung-fu on their asses. If that had happened, we wouldn’t have crucifixes hanging in churches, we’d have little statues of Jesus with a pair of Nunchaku.

That actually inspires me to form my own offshoot of Christianity. The Church of the Risen Asskicker. You like the sound of that don’t you? Yes, I know you do.

Monkeys, or Whores?

2008-01-08T16:59:00.000-07:00

They're the same thing!

I love this news story:
Monkey Prostitution

Now I don't feel so bad about paying to have sex with monkeys.

Wow, just wow.

2007-12-18T22:51:00.000-07:00

Usually I don't talk about stupid things like celebrity news, usually.

I thought the Spears family couldn't go any lower after the escapades of Britney over the last few months. However, her 16 year old sister is now pregnant.

16. Is anyone in that family not a whore?

Seriously, these girls, no matter how much money they have, are no different than the girls who lived down the street in a trailer park in my hometown. That family had 2 stupid ass girls too, and one of them was a pregnant 16 year old.

Did I really miss out?

2007-12-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had a chance to ge see a free advance screening of the new film Sweeny Todd. I chose not to go, partially because I took the day off sick and didn't feel up to it, but also because I don't give a shit.

Wow, a Tim Burton film starring Johnny Depp? That's something that the filmgoing public has yet to see! Give me a fucking break. Tim Burton must look at every role that needs to be cast in his films and say, "Johnny Depp would be great in all of these roles. He doesn't really fit this part, but I'll make sure it's rewritten so that he does fit!"

Yes, this film has really good reviews, but I'm just getting tired of watching Tim Burton films that feel like Tim Burton films. Seriously dude, try something new. Maybe go a different direction with your next film and show everyone that you're not just some hack who keeps doing the same goddamn thing over and over because you don't know how to make any other type of film.

So no, I don't regret my decision last night. I don't think I missed the next big revolution in filmmaking.

I've Neglected You, and I'm Sorry

2007-12-09T01:59:00.000-07:00

I know I've been absent for a while. Nothing horrible happened to me, I'm just a lazy fuck.

First of all, the wedding date is set. July 12th of 2008. We always thought it would be July 12th, but we hadn't actually done what we needed to do to confirm it until a week ago.

Secondly, I'd like to take a minute to talk about the tragedy in Omaha last week. Specifically, I'd like to say a word or two about the guy that did the shooting. It's one thing to commit suicide, I mean it's his choice to end his life or not, but that's not what he did. Instead, he made the decision for 8 other people. Instead of just ending his pathetic life, he felt that taking people with him was the best thing to do. You know why he did this? I know. He did this because it wasn't about killing himself. It was never about killing himself. What is was about is a fucked-up piece of shit who wanted others to hurt. Killing himself was just a way to ensure that he didn't have to own up to what he did. It was a way for him to bypass the consequences and responsibility that everyone else has to deal with. It isn't the P.C. thing to say, but that guy was a worthless bastard and I'm glad he's dead.

Now, I transition to Oprah. She has nothing to do with the previous paragraph, so don't assume that I would also like to see Oprah dead. She's powerful enough to monitor my internet usage, and if she thinks I want her dead, she'll take me out first. What I don't agree with is her very obvious backing of Barack Obama. I guess her power and influence is why I don't like the situation. You see, when it comes to popular people in the media, there are a number of people who take their opinions to seriously. People who, despite facts or other conflicting opinions, will blindly take the advice and run with it. To me, Oprah openly backing a presidential candidate is like a news anchor openly backing a candidate: it just shouldn't be done. Like a news anchor, she should keep her political views out of her broadcasts. People should look at all the facts before voting, but I can assure you that her opinion will cause a number of women to vote for Obama, whether they agree with him or not. I say women not to be sexist, but Oprah's primary audience is women, that's just a fact. Maybe I'm being too goddamn bitchy, but I think Oprah should leave the political endorsements to political experts and allow people to make up their own minds.

Something else that I've recently grown more aware of is the state of healthcare in the U.S. I keep hearing politicians talk of universal healthcare and the problems with the current systems, and until a month ago, I really didn't take much notice of it. However, now I see what everyone is making a fuss over. I went to the emergency room about a month ago because I was having quite the painful ordeal with a tooth of mine that has been cracked for many a year. I'm too damn stupid to actually get it taken care of by a dentist. Because of this tooth, my gums and cheek on my left side really started to swell up and it hurt like a bitch. I actually have a pretty high pain tolerance, so for me to go to the hospital says a lot. I was at there for an hour, most of the time was spent waiting. When the doctor did treat me, all he did was lance the swollen area, drain the puss and blood by squeezing my cheek a few times, and write me perscriptions for antibiotics and painkillers.

I wouldn't have gone to the hospital had I not had health insurance, like many Americans don't have. Well, I got the bill last week from the hospital. It turns out that for the 10 minutes or so I was being treated, I owe the hospital $485. 485 fucking dollars to get poked in the gums? WHAT THE FUCK? Had I not had insurance, it would have cost near $1000. Keep in mind, I have insurance, a job, and no dependents to care for. If I wasn't financially stable, I couldn't pay for this treatment. To me, being charged this much for so little is damn near illegal. If not illegal, than most certainly horribly immoral. It isn't like there is only 1 hospital to care for all of Denver. It wasn't like the emergency room was full of people. It's simply the hospital charging as much as they want for services you can't possibly turn down without possible deadly consequences.

On the other hand, I went to the dentist yesterday and had that tooth, and another one removed. The dentist literally spent over an hour and a half performing what amounts to surgery on me. You know what that surgery cost me with my insurance? $38. Thirty eight dollars for surgery at the dentist while the hospital wants damn near $500 for a 10 second stabbing. So, I guess what I'm saying is tht I understand now. I get why people are upset at the state of healthcare in the U.S. And, I truly feel sorry for all those people out there who put off going to hospitals because they know they can't do that and pay the rent at the same time. I feel sorry for the people who do go to the hospital with their sick child not knowing if they'll be able to feed their child after the bill comes. I can't believe that, in this country where everything is supposed to be so damn great, this is acceptable.

I'm done complaining now, I really am. I'd actually like to give my thoughts about the film I saw yesterday: The Golden Compass. Normallt, I try to avoid fantasy films marketed to children, or any film marketed to children, but I decided to give this one a shot. Part of this decision was the film's rating of PG-13, instead of the vomit-induced G rating that is given to most children's films. The Golden Compass is rated PG-13 for a reason. Even though it certainly wasn't too "cutesy" or anything, I did find myself wondering why it had the PG-13 rating, at least up until a scene about halfway in that surprised me a bit with its brutality.

But, did I like the film? Yes actually, I did, and for a few reasons. First of all, I was dreading that this film would be another "kid sucked into a fantasy world where everything is new and strange" type of film. Keep in mind, I've never read these books so I had no idea what to expect. It turns out that the main character lives in this fantasy world, so that pleased me greatly. Secondly, and more importantly, was that the film didn't beat us over the head with this fantasy world. Yes, the world was indeed strange and otherworldly, but there weren't any "Hey look at this, isn't this so strange and cool? I bet you didn't expect to see this!" moments. The filmmakers didn't showcase this world for us. They simply treated it as if we were already accustomed to this reality.

No, the film wasn't perfect, and I can name a number of things that could have been done better, but I came out of the theater thinking that I had seen a fairly good film, not that I had just seen a fairly good children's film. And honestly, the film isn't intended for young children, and I think a lot of parents might make that mistake. Sure, it will be their fault for not paying attention to the PG-13 rating, but you know as well as I do, they'll bitch and moan that they were misled and blah blah blah.

I'll end with a few DVD recommendations:

Futurama: Bender's Big Score came out about 2 weeks ago. What sucks is that most places are selling it for $20. I can buy a season of Futurama for 20 bucks, so a single Futurama film for the same price seems like we're being raped ever so slightly. However, it's a funny film and I suggest buying it to support Futurama and by doing so, let Fox know that canceling it was a dumb ass idea.

Live Free or Die Hard also came out a few weeks back. If you're going to watch it, make sure you watch the Unrated version.

The last Pirates of the Caribbean film was released last Tuesday. It's a damn fine film despite what others may tell you.

Battlestar Galactica: Razor is in stores now. If you haven't seen any of this series now, just wait and watch it all on DVD in its entirety when the 4th, and final, season hits DVD sometime in the next 2 years.

Speaking of Battlestar Galactica, on December 26th, Battlestar Galactica 1980 is released. Do not buy this. If you buy this, I will pay someone to shank you with a sharpened toothbrush handle. All I have to say is: Cylons on motorbikes. Seriously, big robots on choppers.

It's 3 a.m. and I'm going to bed.

I gone done Gradumakated!

2007-08-20T09:00:00.000-06:00

I have my Master's Degree now. Finally. For once, I'm done with school and NOT looking towards more schooling. People have told me I should go on for a doctorate's degree, but fuck that I say. Sure, I'd like to be called Dr. Crow, but I'd also like to be called Ruler of the Universe. I doubt either will ever happen.

It was a good weekend. I had a nice little BBQ at my apartment, watched the Bourne Ultimatum, and relaxed a bit, which has been quite difficult to do lately. I also did some clothes shopping. The woman who was my field mentor/boss at my internship site gave me a gift card to Macy's on Wednesday. A $100 gift card. Now that's generous right there. I was expecting the gift card to be no more than $25. 25 seems to be the standard gift card amount nowadays. Another friend if mine gave me a Wii game as a gift. That was pretty damn cool too. Personally, I didn't expect anyone to givce me jackshit for my graduation. It's not like I got married or anything stupid like that.

However, if anyone else wants to give me gifts, I will continue to accept them. It would be rude not to.

Lackluster Video

2007-08-06T13:38:00.000-06:00

I used to like Blockbuster, I really did. For a time, I could go into a Blockbuster to rent a movie, and also pick up a cool action figure or a pack of trading cards. Well, they got rid of the toys and trading cards quite some time ago. And, as of yesterday, it seems as though they’ve gotten rid of their movies too.

You see, Blockbuster also used to have this “guaranteed in stock” policy that, as the title suggests, means the chances of getting the new movie you wanted was pretty good. They don’t have this feature anymore, so going to Blockbuster yesterday was an effort resulting only in futility and rage. EVERY copy of EVERY movie I wanted to see was rented. Every time I saw an empty shelf, I thought about other movies I may want to see, and lo and behold, those too were gone. After 10 minutes of this, I was ready to dash someone’s brains upon the carpet.

I understand the whole concept of supply and demand, but what good is a store that can’t supply ANYTHING I’m looking for? I wouldn’t shop at a grocery store that was sold out of every food item I was looking for.

To give you some perspective on how bad the rental situation was, I noticed someone had rented Highlander 2: The Quickening. When you have to resort to renting that because everything else is gone, you know the store blows.

And one more thing: Blockbuster claims that they have “No late fees.” That’s odd, because when we went to rent the 2 films we finally chose, they said we owed $6 for movies we previously rented. They claimed they were “restocking fees.” First of all, they were late by no more than a week. And second, a restocking fee IS a late fee. We were charged a FEE because we returned the films LATEr than we were supposed to. It doesn’t matter what the fuck you call it, it’s still a motherfucking late fee and it pisses me the hell off.

So, fuck them. I’m not going back to their store, and I won’t use their online service either. Not that I was planning on it anyway, but now I certainly won’t. I’ll Netflix or, God forbid, RedBox my movies before I go back to their den of filth.

I have no idea how to respond

2007-07-30T08:31:00.000-06:00

So I leave the apartment to go to work this morning. Before hopping in the Cavalier, I wander over to my truck to see if I left my work badge in it. Mind you, the passenger window on the truck is still broken out, so anyone can fuck with it if they want to.

I see a loaf of bread on my passenger seat.

Someone put a loaf of sliced bread in my truck. I haven't bought bread in over a month, so it wasn't me. Sam hasn't gone to the store in quite a while, and certainly not in my truck, so it wasn't her.

I just don't know what to say.

AMC

2007-07-23T21:28:00.000-06:00

The cable channel, not the auto maker who gave us the Pacer.

Although both suck, I hate the cable channel just a little bit more tonight. Do you know what AMC stands for? It stands for American Movie Classics.
American Movie CLASSICS. Not just American Movies, American Movie CLASSICS. Of all the movies that they could be showing, do you know what they're showing as I'm flipping through the channels now?

Catwoman.

WHAT

THE

FUCK?

NEW BLOG!!! AHHH!!!

2007-07-12T14:10:00.000-06:00

So I haven’t done this whole “blog” thing in quite some time. Truthfully, I’ve been quite busy, and also, I haven’t really had anything important happen to me that warrants blogging about. I do have a few things I’d like to bitch about today however.

First, I’m sure you’ve all seen, or read, the news stories about the Seven New Wonders of the World list that was released. What I have to say about it is quite simple: The list sucks. The list sucks for one major reason: The whole list is nothing more than buildings, or structures of some kind.

So, in order for something to be a man-made wonder, it has to be a building or a structure? So, the Christ Redeemer Statue in Brazil is more of a wonder than, let’s say, the Internet, or fucking Penicillin?! The Internet has literally changed the world is almost every way, including communication and finance. Penicillin has saved countless lives since it was discovered in the early 20^th century. Yet, these things aren’t buildings, so they can’t be considered for the 7 Wonders list.

I can think of discovery after discovery that could be considered an amazing wonder. Space flight and the Human Genome Project are two I can think of off the top of my head that are scientific in nature. What about structures that actually serve a purpose, like the system of dikes that keep half of the Netherlands from being flooded by the North Sea?

The writings of Shakespeare? Nope, not a building, so sorry.

The next thing on my agenda of bitching is this little news story I read the other day:

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/nationworld/bal-te.naacp10jul10001518,0,2135190.story?coll=bal-home-headlines

So members of the NAACP want to take the word Nigger “out of their minds” by holding a mock burial for it? What the fuck?! I guess there’s nothing like burying your head in the god damn sand and pretending it isn’t an issue anymore. The Michigan Gov. had this to say about it: "Let's say good riddance to this vestige of slavery and racism, and say hello to a society that embraces all its people,"

So holding a dumb-ass mock burial for a word is going to be some amazing event that will herald a new, better society where everyone loves everyone and free puppies are to be had by all? Well, at least you dumbshits are optimistic. This isn’t going to stop people from using the word. It isn’t going to stop hate. And it sure isn’t going to erase history.

As you can read in the story, the Chairman of the NAACP added this: "This is not an acceptable term for anyone to use," he said. "We need to make sure that no one denigrates people no matter who they are. We need to protect the denigration of our people by our people." Why the fuck isn’t it acceptable? Sure, it may not be the nicest word, but it’s a part of history, and there is a little thing called freedom of speech. If a KKK member in his big white pointy hat wants to scream about how niggers are polutin’ this countries’ gene pool, then he has every god damn right to say it, no matter how wrong he may be, no matter how stupid he sounds saying it. If a black man calls another black man “nigger” as a term of friendship, then how is that wrong? If neither are offended, then what the hell is the problem?

I’d sure like to never hear the phrase “Sean Crow has a really small dick” ever again, but burying it won’t stop people from saying it, and repeating it, and laughing at me while I quietly sob to myself.

My last order of bitching has to do with a local story here in the Denver area. A woman is flying the United States flag upside down in a silent protest to the war. Her Home Owners Association is telling her she must take it down or fly it correctly, otherwise she’ll be fined quite a lot of money. Obviously her HOA hasn’t heard of Freedom of Speech either, much like the NAACP. Maybe they’ve heard of it, but just don’t realize how god damn important it is.

There are many shitty arguments I’ve heard against this woman’s silent protest, and this is perhaps the worst one, that I’ve heard at least 3 people, all former soldiers, say:

“It’s disrespectful because I fought for that flag.”

Newsflash: If you fought for the flag, then you fought for the wrong god damn thing. Did we decide to go to war in 1941 because the Japanese bombed our flags at Pearl Harbor? Did we go to war in Iraq because Saddam Hussein had one of our flags on his desk and was poking it with a stick? FUCK NO. We go to war to protect (and in some cases, spread) the beliefs and values that are the foundation for this country. The flag is a fucking piece of cloth that identifies an area of land as belonging to the United States.

I worked with an old Vietnam vet once, and although he hated the idea of people burning the flag, he told me that he went to war and fought to protect the rights of the people, and that burning the flag was one of those rights. Even he, who watched friends die next to him, isn't so damn jaded as to think the flag itself is the living embodiment of the country as a whole.

“Dissent is the highest form of Patriotism” is a quote often misattributed to Thomas Jefferson. However, the idea is still true. This woman’s choice to fly the flag upside down is her way of protesting, and no matter if it’s viewed favorably or not, protest and dissent was viewed as a necessary function, as Thomas Jefferson DID once say:

“The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions, that I wish it to be always kept alive. It will often be exercised when wrong, but better so than not to be exercised at all. I like a little rebellion now and then.”

I guess this particular HOA association doesn’t realize that it’s operating here in the United States and not a fascist society where hanging a flag upside down would be illegal. And, if you really want to get technical about disrespecting the U.S. flag, what about the guys you see at the swimming pools wearing U.S. flag designed Speedos? I think wrapping up your junk in the American flag is way more disrespectful than a peaceful, quiet protest.

Stupid fuckers the lot of ‘em, I tell you.

Real crap, not simulated.

2007-05-25T13:35:00.000-06:00

Well, I’m damn near speechless. It seems as though the brilliant sons of bitches at 20th Century Fox have secured the film rights to the videogame The Sims.

That’s right, you’ve just read a sentence containing one of the dumbest ideas ever proposed by a bunch of idiots in Hollywood, no, the world. You can never get that time back, never.

You know what happens when you put a plot into a game like The Sims and make a movie out of it? Shit, I don’t know, but the result can’t be good. What are they going to do to top this amazing blockbuster? I have some game-inspired film ideas along with trailer dialog the studios may want to look into. Narrator Movie-Voice Guy lines are in bold.

Dig Dug: To Hell and Back

All Dig Dug Wanted to do was dig in the dirt
“I’m going to dig farther than anyone’s ever dreamed of!”
Until one day, he dug too deep, and unleashed an unimaginable evil
“They’re everywhere Dig Dug! Help!”
Now, all Dig Dug wants to do, is unearth an asskicking
“I have to finish this!”
He’s traded in his shovel for a shotgun,
“They’re all around you!”
And he won’t stop until the threat is buried
“DIRT NAPS FOR EVERYONE!”
Dig Dug: To Hell and Back
Tunneling your way June 20th

Frogger: The Return

“We can rebuild him, we have the technology!”
The frog is coming back, and this time, traffic doesn’t stand a chance
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?? WHAT KIND OF TWISTED S.O.B. WOULD GIVE
A CYBORG FROG A JET PACK AND MISSLE LAUNCHER?!”
This summer, the road kill hits back
“Oh my God, what is that?”
One Frog
“We have to find a way to stop him before it’s too late!”
One Mission
“He’s coming back around!”
One Hundred Ways To Kill
“He’s taken out the bridge!”
Revenge is a dish best served with frog legs
“We’ve only got one shot at this!”
Frogger: The Return
In Theatres Everywhere August 2nd

There’s only so much joke-making I can do before I wear myself out. I have to go take a nap now.

The biggest blog in the world

2007-03-16T17:28:00.000-06:00

This will be a HUGE blog since I haven’t posted in a while.

I’ll start off with a serious matter:

Angelina Jolie is reportedly in Vietnam to adopt a child. Don’t get me wrong; adopting a child is a wonderful thing to do. What I find troublesome is that Angelina Jolie apparently didn’t take the time to consider adopting a child here in the United States. Sure, there are a lot more children that need homes outside of the U.S. than inside, but from what I can deduce, there are at least 500,000 foster children in the U.S. that need homes. In 2005, 22,728 foreign-born children were adopted and entered the U.S. Like I said, that’s commendable, but there are at least 22,000 children here in this country that go to bed each and every night praying to have a home and a family. Angelina doesn’t have to go to Vietnam to adopt. Chances are, she didn’t even have to leave her city of residence.

I do understand that adoptions here in the States have some issues. The mother can basically change her mind anytime in the first 2 years of the adoption. It’d suck to adopt, and then have the child taken away after a few years. Also, the mother is now given rights and the means to find her child again really whenever she wants. Oh, she was a crack-whore when she gave away her child, but now she wants to be the kid’s mother 13 years later? So yes, I can see where folks, and specifically people in the public spotlight,

Madonna recently did the same damn thing; it just wasn’t Vietnam in her case. I guess adopting a foreign kid is the new hip thing to do. Instead of toting around a pocket poodle in your handbag, you can tote around an Asian tot. The pocket poodle thing is sooo last week.

Or you can get a Vietnamese kid and a pocket poodle, and your new child can learn to cook his native cuisine.

HA! That was both funny and inappropriate!

Here in Colorado, you can choose from at least 60 different license plate styles for your car. I shit you not, at least 60. You can get a special plate if you’ve adopted a Greyhound dog for shit’s sake. I think it’s comical that I saw a woman driving around with a “Find a Cure” for breast cancer license plate, yet she was sucking on a cigarette. Breast cancer needs a cure now, but lung cancer can fucking wait. She may be hacking up blood in 10 years, but she’ll be damned if she does it with only one tit.

I’m sure you’ve encountered the idiot college frat guy who, when speaking to you, always calls you “bro.” Maybe you know that guy who wears jeans that are too damn tight, a cowboy hat, and insists on calling you “Pardner.” Could the bane of your existence be the southern gal at the diner who always calls you “Sugar” regardless of your physical appearance, financial status, or even gender? Personally, I HATE it when people do this. I have a name and, while I’m at work, it’s even boldly displayed on my work badge. There’s a new patient here who frequents the library who insists on not learning my real name. While in the cafeteria, he says to me, “Hey do ya mind passing the pepper this way, Chief?” In the library, it’s, “Thanks a lot for the help Chief.” Listen up Sport, my name is Sean. Unless you’re present when I dance around my apartment in my boxers with my feathered headdress and Pawnee war club, you’ve got no basis for calling me Chief.

Are these terms supposed to be clever, or endearing in some way? Am I your friend now because you called me Chief? If so, that’s awesome! I’ll go home, pop a few brews in the fridge, throw some of them lil’ smoked barbecue weenies in the crock pot and I’ll await your arrival so we can jam to Manhattan Transfer.

Manhattan Transfer, get it? Manhattan was a tribe of Indians. I’m so God Damn clever.

Now to television:

First, I noticed in a commercial for WWE Wrestling that Donald Trump is playing a part in a current storyline. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Donald recently call Rosie O’Donnell “trashy,” and a few other names? I’m sorry Donald, but you have no reason to call someone else white trash when you’re on pro wrestling. I’m not saying that pro wrestling is just for white trash, I’ve watched it on occasion, I used to watch it a lot in college, and I know someone that’s worked for WWE. However, one has to admit that the white trash stereotype is solidly affixed to wrestling and appearing in it makes what Donald said seem quite hypocritical. Donald is just a whiny bitch. So is Rosie, but she isn’t on WWE at the moment. Although, she is quite mannish and would probably do well there screaming obscenities and pile driving opponents to the matt.

Oh, I’ve got the perfect WWE on-stage name for Rosie O’Donnell: Rosie the Riveter. She’s come out in flannel and steel-toed work boots with a rivet gun over her shoulder.

Secondly, the fiancée was watching television the other night. She turned it to the movie Resident Evil 2. What made me do a double take was the channel it was on. Resident Evil 2, a video game based film with lots of gore, violence, and shitty dialogue was being shown by the Oxygen Network. What the hell?! The Oxygen Network, if you aren’t familiar with it, was formed in part by Oprah. It’s a network aimed towards young women. They show reruns of Ellen and Mad About You and show their own programs such as The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency. Showing Resident Evil 2 on the Oxygen Network is like showing mother fucking Commando on the Lifetime Network. What was even funnier about it were the commercial breaks. They had commercials for Tickle Me Elmos. The Oxygen Network should learn about a little thing called demographics and target audience. This is almost as bad as the Sci-Fi Network showing ECW wrestling on Tuesday nights. Yeah, like the same guys who watch Stargate are really the type of guys that like wrestling. Most of the guys who watch Stargate have only ever wrestled jelly donuts or D&D dice from their morbidly obese friends.

I’m really not trying to bash wrestling, but it just keeps coming up.

Lastly, 24. I can’t be the only person who thinks this show is getting really freakin’ pointless. All the terrorists have to do next season to defeat Jack Bauer is make sure the crises lasts 25 hours, and then we’re all fucked.

Two nights ago, I saw The Road Warrior in a theater. Oh yes, you heard me right. A United Artist theater here in Denver plays old movies every Wednesday night. I didn’t know about this until my buddy Shanecho asked me if I wanted to see The Road Warrior. Hell yeah I did! Other than my fiancée Samantha, who would be dumb enough to pass up that opportunity? What really topped off the night was the replica V8 Interceptor sitting outside the theater. I didn’t have a camera with me, but it looked exactly like this one:

An actual Ford Falcon all Mad Max’ed out. I so wanted to hop in and haul ass down I-25 with the windows down screaming maniacally. The “placard”, as Shane called it, stated that the replica Interceptor can pretty easily hit 160 m.p.h., or 257 k.p.h. if you’re one of those Metric System bastards.

The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead, and that's the way I likes it!

Tell me what episode of The Simpsons that quote is in, and you will win a 100 count box of #1 size paperclips. This way, when you type out and print all the useless crap you’ve learned while living in your mom’s basement, you’ll have a much easier time organizing it into managable piles.

So I think I’ve cursed myself musically. Last week, while chatting with someone online, I joked about the 80’s band, Men Without Hats. In the last two days, while scanning through the radio, I’ve happened upon The Safety Dance twice. Before 2 days ago, I hadn’t heard The Safety Dance twice in the last 2 years. I crack jokes about Neil Diamond all the time too, and after turning it away from The Safety Dance in disgust this morning, my radio magically finds the song Cherry, Cherry. Later in the day, while getting some groceries at Albertson's, I heard Sweet Caroline. I made a humorous wisecrack about Falco last week. I wonder when that one’s gonna come back to bite me on the ass.

In interesting side note. Did you know that Neil Diamond has a song named: Crunchy Granola Suite? I’ve heard that there was a written, but unrecorded, sequel to this song titled: Fiber Makes me Shit Better.

Maybe you didn’t find that last joke humorous, but just picture this guy standing on stage belting out those lyrics and you’ll laugh too.

I bought Casino Royale on DVD yesterday. Damn, that’s one fine film right there. Even if you’ve hated all the previous Bond films, this one is worth watching, because it’s different than all other Bond films. It’s better than all other Bond films. There are folks out there that argue constantly on who has been the better Bond. Most say Connery, while others say Moore or Brosnan. There are even a few who like Dalton and Lazenby, but Craig would kick all their asses, rope their bodies together as a makeshift raft, and sail to Afghanistan to hunt down Osama with his bare hands. What I’m trying to say is, go watch Casino Royale. You won’t be disappointed.

Yes, I am indeed aware that Afghanistan is a landlocked country, but I was on a roll there, what else was I to do?

Another side note: Did you know that Afghanistan translates to: Land of Afghans? Well, it does. Real clever name they got isn’t it? I wonder how many other ideas they threw away before they decided on that gem. I guess the United States isn’t all that clever either.

“Well Bill, this is a bunch of separate states united together to form a union, what should we call it? I’d like the name to convey that this country is both united yet formed of individual states.”

“Uh, I was thinking: United States.”

“Hmmm. I like it Bill. I like it a lot. Let’s go with it. Now, what should we call this State here that’s sitting directly south of North Carolina? That sonofabitch has me stumped.”

I’ll end this blog with speak of Hollywood sequels and remakes.

First, I heard that Cabin Fever 2 is either filming now or will film soon. I know I say a lot of movies are bad, but Cabin Fever was truly one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Any actor with a shred of self-respect wouldn’t be in a crap sequel like this.

The Hills Have Eyes 2 is coming out very soon. I’m guessing that, if the hills indeed had eyes, they would gouge them out before watching this film.

Do any of you remember the 1978 horror/comedy film called Piranha? Or, perhaps you’ve seen 1981’s Piranha 2: The Spawning, directed by none other than James Cameron. Well, Dimension Films, the bright folks they are, have decided to re-make Piranha. It will be directed by the French filmmaker Alexandre Aja, who last directed The Hills Have Eyes. Do you see how the circle of filth comes back around? Aja says he wants to pay homage to all the "creature films that made me fall in love with the genre." Usually when someone says they want to pay homage, it usually just means they’re going to rip off every idea they can and then whenever someone calls them on it, they say it isn’t a rip-off, but a “homage.”

The last re-make I’ll mention is one I’m actually looking forward to. New Line Cinema has won the rights to Escape from New York. Gerald Butler will play Snake Plissken this time around. The original Escape from New York was actually a pretty shitty film. The sequel, Escape from L.A. was even shittier. I always liked the premise of the films though, and to see Escape from New York done well could really be pretty damn sweet.

What did you say? I can't hear you!

2007-03-03T23:10:00.000-07:00

Regular disabled people are just fine, but there are a few that just insist on being self-righteous shitheads and it's starting to piss me off.

Take a classmate of mine who can't hear very well. No John, I'm not talking about you. This woman, who'll I'll call Tina because that's her name, is quite hard of hearing, and she's the type who makes sure everyone knows it, and she makes sure to let us all know what we have to do to accomodate her.

I'm in a small group with her and we met after class the other night. One would think that if you've lived over 30 years with this disability, like Tina has, you would try to make things easier on yourself. Our small group all sat on chairs, while Tina decided to sit on the floor. She decided to look at her computer and take notes all the while we were meeting.

Then, she gets pissed off because we aren't talking "at" her. The fact is, if she isn't looking at us when we talk, she can't hear us well. She chose to sit on the floor, below eye level, and stare at her computer. She gets pissed at us because we aren't "accomodating" her? What are we supposed to do, tap her on the goddamn shoulder before we start each and every sentence to make sure she's looking at us? It's true that people without disabilites often don't make the necessary accomodations for disabled people, but when the disabled person places all the blame for their misunderstanding on me, it really annoys the hell out of me.

Yes, you're disabled. Yes, God took a big shit on your life. I get it.

Like I said, I don't hate people who are different than me. My friend John is both hard of hearing and terribly short. A double whammy if you ask me. Do I hear him bitching? Do I hear him telling everyone about it? Hell no. My pal Shane is a dibetic who needs to take insulin shots at least twice a day. Yes, it's an inconvenience, but he doesn't bring it up to every chap he meets. I went to high school with a gal confined to a wheelchair. Did I hate her? No. Did she bitch and moan about her condition? Actually, she did quite a lot, but she never made anyone else feel guilty about not performing to her expectations.

So there you have it. A rant about an asshole disabled person. I guess you can add this to my un-pc rant on the homeless. And yes, I know that "disabled" isn't the right tern nowadays, but it sounds much better than: Unabled, Nonabled, Deficientlyabled, and Flawedabled.

On to other things. I saw the new Marvel Studios animated film The Invincible Iron Man. I've owned it for a few weeks but hadn't gotten around to watching it until last night. I wasn't expecting to be wowed since Ultimate Avengers and Ultimate Avengers 2 were a tad dissapojting. Iron Man turned out to be pretty good. In fact, I would go so far as to say it turned out really good. The dialogue was much improved over the Avengers films. The animation was great as well. I was worried that the animation of Iron Man in action would look, well, clunky and unnatural. It looked exactly how I would expect a man in a giant metal suit to look. Cartoon Network played it tonight and didn't bother promoting it, so no one really knew it was on, myself included. It doesn't look like they're playing it again anytime soon, so rent it, or buy it, and enjoy it as I did.

Well, that's it for now I guess.

Ice and Poop

2007-02-15T22:14:00.000-07:00

Yes, I will explain.

Ice. Ice was the cause of Samantha's car accident today. I am oficially both sick and tired of all this snow, ice, and bitter cold we've had here for over 2 months now. After today's mishap, if I ever see Jack Frost or Mother Nature, I'll kick them in the nuts. Mother Nature probably doesn't have nuts, but I'd do it anyway. Until today, Samantha has never had an accident. I've told her for years it was inevitable. I wasn't trying to jinx her, I was just stating a fact. I think everyone will be involved in some sort of car accident in their life.

I don't understand how she achieved the level of damage to her car that she did. Her car spun out and did a few 360's before smacking the curb. A curb huh? A curb probably wouldn't snap the front bumber in two and almost rip it from it's perch on the car frame. She tells me there was no other car involved, and I believe her, but something else had to be involved in this wreck. Maybe she didn't notice what it was while making the revolutions in terror, gripping the steering wheel in a vain attempt to locate traction that didn't exist, but something else was involved. It might have been a street sign, or a fence post, or a fire hydrant, I just don't know.

So it's going in to be looked at by our insurance company tomorrow. We have full coverage on it, so o matter what it costs to fix it, we just have to worry about our $500 deductable. $500 is a lot though, so I want to be pissed off, but I can't be. Accidents happen. I want to ask her why the hell she was going 30 to 35 mph on a possibly icy street, but truth be told, I would have been going the same speed. And, it was 5:30 A.M. so she didn't really even have a chance to see the skating rink she was plowing towards.

Now you want to hear about the poop don't you? Of course.

This will probably be a bit too much info, but we both know it won't stop you from reading. About 2 months ago I was stricken with the worst case of diarrhea I've ever had. I sat on the toilet so long, Sam told the post office to forward my mail there. I felt like I was going to die right there on the crapper. How god damn embarressing would that have been?

Let me move along to the point. Tonight while watching local news, I see that there has been a mass peanut butter recall because of a salmonella outbreak. The generic Wal-Mart peanut butter was listed as a source as was the Peter Pan brand. The product code of this tainted nut butter started with 2111. Well it appears that we have a jar of Wal-Mart peanut butter, and it seems to have a product code starting with 2111. Ninety percent of that jar of PB was empty. Sam doesn't eat a lot of peanut butter, so I probably consumed most of the tainted jar.

I had salmonella from fucking peanut butter. People die from salmonella and I got it from peanut butter? That doesn't seem right to me. I could understand it if I bit into a hunk of raw, warm trout, but peanut butter?

Apparently, I can send the PB lid into ConAgra foods in Omaha for a full refund. So I can spend 1 dollar to mail a PB lid in so I can get a whopping check for 2 dollars in return? Well that's just an awesomely generous move on the part of ConAgra. I get a dollar, and all I had to do to get it was sit on the pot for 20 hours straight shitting my guts out until I almost died.

FUCK YOU CONAGRA.

Oh I'll send the PB lid back to you, you glorious bastards, along with a stool sample for you to analyze.

Every Homosexual Likes Broadway Show Tunes

2007-01-31T17:38:00.000-07:00

I’m not, nor have I ever been, the most politically correct individual. In fact, I’ve made enough poor-taste cripple jokes to reserve a spot in Hell for an extended stay. So, when I think that something has gone a bit too far, or is a bit too poor in taste, then it’s really saying something.

I think the cafeteria that serves my place of employment has indeed crossed a line of poor taste. Every so often, they have “themed” meals where every item served matches the theme. They have a themed meal each year when the National Western Stock Show is in town. Tomorrow, they’re having a Black History themed meal. This is the menu:

Black History MENU
February 1, 2007

SOUPS: West African Peanut Soup*
Jr’s Chili Soup with Sausage

$4.45 LUNCH SPECIAL: Vegetable Jambalaya*© with Small Beverage
Ola’s Catfish with Creole Sauce and Hushpuppies
Jamaican Jerk Chicken
Marinated Steak with Red Beans and Rice
Sweet Potatoes
Creamy Corn

COLD PLATE: Cold Fried Chicken Platter

DESSERTS: Sweet Potato Pie
Georgia Apple Betty

African Soup? Sweet Potato Pie and Catfish? Mother fucking Hushpuppies? This is perhaps the most blatant stereotyping I’ve seen since I last stereotyped the entire Mexican people as being dirty, lazy bastards who can’t be bothered by the task of learning the English language. Why don’t we add some dishes to this menu like: Slave Stew, Watermelon Salad, Tarbaby Biscuits and Gravy, and Nigger No-Bake Chocolate Mousse Pie.

While I’m speaking about things in poor taste, I’ll speak about the weather here in Denver. This week will be the 7th consecutive week with snowfall, as well as the 7th consecutive week with temperatures dipping below the “Really Fucking Cold” mark. Right now it’s 2:55 P.M. here in Denver. This time of the day is when the daily high temperatures are normally reached. The temperature right now is 18 degrees, but it feels like 6 with the windchill and all that crap. The temperature in Juneau, Alaska right now is 34 degrees. Just for kicks, I wanted to see what the temp in Siberia is. They’re at 14 degrees right now. Sure, it’s colder right now in Siberia than here in Denver, but it’s also 5 A.M. in Siberia. They’ll at least have a balmy temp of 20 by 3 P.M.

If it gets any colder, Russia will start sending their exiles to Denver to die.

The television industry is going ahead with a Mr. and Mrs. Smith movie. They had to do it because the movie was actually good and it was somethig I enjoyed. I'll hope it doesn't suck, but I'm not holding my breath. Take a look here if your bitch-ass doesn't believe me. http://www.comingsoon.net/news/tvnews.php?id=18670

I ran across this news story today about the State of Minnesota temporarilly banning high school wrestling because of a herpes outbreak that wrestlers are highly succeptable to. The actual name is Herpes Gladiatorum. How freakin' awesome is that?! A virus that, due to it's transmission method, targets athletes. I prayed for this 10 years ago, and although he's a bit late on the execution, God's response is appreciated nonetheless. http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/conditions/01/31/herpes.wrestlers.reut/index.html

DVDs came out yesterday. These are the titles of note:

Flyboys (Widescreen) – This one flew threw the theatres and successfully bombed.

The Marine (Unrated Edition) – I like action movies, but even I looked at the trailer for this one and judged it to be a pile of filth. I dare you to watch the trailer and find one more spot where another needless explosion could be added.

Open Season (Special Edition, Widescreen) – I’ll watch this one if given the chance.

The Passion of The Christ: Definitive Edition – Definitive eh? Usually I’m a sucker for words like that, but ol’ SugarTits Mel ain’t gonna trick me this time.

The Silence of the Lambs (Collector's Edition) – If you don’t already own this film, then it’s obvious you’re a poor decision maker. Go buy it already. This way, you’ll have fond memories of Hannibal Lector instead of the bitter hatred that the film Hannibal Rising will cause.

That's it.

Morons I dare say!!

2007-01-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

This posting concerns 2 bits of stupidity I have encountered today.

The 1st bit of stupidity is E-Bay related:
If you aren’t legally blind, then take a look at these 2 pictures. The 1st one is from the listing of an item I won an Ebay. The 2nd picture represents the figure I actually received.

When I contacted the seller about the issue, this was the response I got:

"I'm very sorry. I thought I was shipping the exact item as the picture. My mistake. "

Yes, it is your mistake. It’s your mistake that you’re an idiot who can’t be bothered with the mundane task of verifying the item you’re selling. Yes, they’re the same character, but as anyone with an I.Q. over 6 can see, they’re quite different color-wise.

The 2nd bit of stupidity is significant other related:

I’ve said before that I generally don’t disparage my future wife. That being said, I have to rant about today’s bit of stupidity that flowed forth from her.

She wants a new computer, specifically a kick-ass gaming laptop. Fine, I can get behind that. The last computer bought was for me so if she wants one now, I can justify the purchase.

What I can’t justify is a needless expense. She wants an Alienware computer. Maybe she wants it because she can get it in a pretty metallic blue color. Maybe she wants it because she likes the name. Frankly, I don’t give a shit why. If she builds this computer the way she wants, it totals up to around $2800. That isn’t going to happen. I’ve looked into the matter, and discovered that we can have Dell, Toshiba, Gateway, or HP build one with more than Alienware’s $2800 version for around $2200.

This better version by any other company would have a faster processor, more RAM, a better graphics card, a bigger hard drive, more software, and a better warranty than Alinware’s version for $600 less. When I told Samantha about this, she got all uppity and said:

“More isn’t always better.”

Honestly, isn’t that about the dumbest and most illogical comment one could say on this issue? Had I not heard this utterly ridiculous comment while in a crowded cafeteria, I think I would have responded with a phrase containing the words: “What the fuck,” and “Have you lost your fucking mind?” The point of a kick-ass gaming computer is to have the one with the best hardware available. I’ll be using this new computer for games too, and I’ll be damned if I’m paying $600 more than I have to for a machine I’ll have to upgrade sooner.

I need to go home and cry now.

Fire...BAD!!!!

2007-01-16T18:55:00.000-07:00

I'm waiting for class to start so I may as well take the time to add more to the filth which is the internet.

Today started off with a phone call from my mother regarding my father almost killing himself. Apparently, he was trying to light to pilot light on their ancient furnace. Due to a faulty safety valve, he succeeded in lighting himself. he now has first degree burns on part of his arms and is missing more of his hair in addition to what poor genetics has already taken. I think it's time to give my father an honorary codename, much as an X-Man or G.I. Joe soldier would have. If you have any suggestions, do let me know. As far as my own ideas go, I've narrowed the choices down to four:
Flashpoint
Matchbook
Mercaptan
Pro-Pain
Let me know which you prefer.

There is a certain type of person who feels liek everything they have to say is of importance. Everyone else is naturally supposed to listen and find value in what they have to say. These people will interrupt other people to make sure that everyone know what point is being made. These people will say the first thing that pops into their head no matter how inane, pointless, and obvious it is. These people may be intelligent, or they may be dumber than a sackful of hammers. A fellow calssmate of mine is one of these people. I can't tell if he's smart or stupid. I can't tell what his likes and dislikes are. I can't tell if he's a Republican, Democrat, or Fascist. All I know is that I just want him to shut the fuck up. I can't be the only person who clenches my fist in frustration every time he opens his piehole. My asthma aside, I wish I smoked so I could put a lit cigarrete out on this prick's forehead.

Well, I hate to cut and run, but it's difficult to type here, browse EBay, and pretend to listen to the instructor all at once. Something has to go and it's you.

Tickets Please!

2007-01-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

It’s that time where I tell you what movies of note will be released in 2007. I’ll rate them according to this scale:
RMFR = Run Mother Fucker, Run! I’ll do everything in my power to avoid a film with this rating.
FIIK = Fuck If I Know. This means I’m undecided.
AM = Andy’s Mom. This means I’ll see it, but there could be better films.
SY = Shit Yeah! A film I will definitely see.

Hannibal Rising – The previous Lecter films all have their charm, but that may be due the presence of Anthony Hopkins as the civilized psychopath. This film is about a young Lecter, hence no Hopkins. It doesn’t look all that interesting, but maybe as I see more, I’ll form a different opinion. FIIK

Ghost Rider – Another Marvel comic book movie. That certainly isn’t a bad thing. This is directed by the guy who directed Daredevil. Daredevil was surprisingly dark, as Ghost Rider needs to be. I have high hopes for this film. SY

Black Snake Moan – Everything I’ve heard of this film says that it’s great. I’ve heard these things about films that turned out to suck ballsack. It looks good, but it isn’t a priority. AM

The Hills Have Eyes 2 – Finally a horror film where teenagers are relentlessly stalked and brutally murdered by a, or a few, freakish killers. That was sarcasm. RMFR

Zodiac – Based off the true story of the Zodiac killer. It’s directed by Fincher, so that’s a plus, but I’m not big on these psychological killer flicks. FIIK

300 – Stylistically this movie is supposed to be fuckin’ amazing. They said that about Sin City too, and they were right, but the movie lacked in a lot of other ways. I’ve heard early reports that 300 is also lacking in the aspects that make a good movie great. AM

TMNT – That means Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for you ignorant fucks. The CG animation looks gorgeous and the dialogue I’ve heard so far seems pretty solid. SY

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters – Sure, the TV show can be extremely hilarious, but will this 22 minute show transfer into a 90 minute film well? I’ve heard that it doesn’t despite having Bruce Campbell voice a chicken nugget. FIIK

Are We Done Yet? – The sequel to the Ice Cube family film Are We There Yet? If you mean nausea, then yes, I am already there. RMFR

Grindhouse – Being a joint film between Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodrigeuz, a lot of rabid fanboys are going apeshit for this over-the-top kill fest. The trailer reminds me of Sin City and that’s a negative, although Kurt Russell stars in the Tarantino half of the film, and I do like Kurt Russell. FIIK

Hot Fuzz – A comedy from the makers of Shaun of the Dead about law enforcement in England. I think it’s funny that the English authorities believe they actually have any authority. AM

Pathfinder – What happens when Vikings and Native Americans meet? The answer is a lot of gore and sweet-ass fight scenes. Although not even close to historically accurate, this film looks like it has potential to entertain the shit out of me. AM

Spider-Man 3 – Anyone who isn’t looking forward to this movie reeks of poopie. That’s right, I said it, poopie. SY

28 Weeks Later – Because a good movie has to have a sequel. Honestly, I don’t know if 28 Days Later was good. I never watched it. FIIK

Shrek the Third – Although I have never been a huge fan of the 1st two, I admit they are quite funny. This will make an assload of money whether I see it or not. AM

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End – This franchise has been the biggest moviegoing surprise I’ve had in years. I thought the 1st one who be a childish and clichéd film. I was horribly wrong, and I’m glad I was since the sequel was just as good. This is in the top 5 films I must see this year. SY

Hostel: Part II – I have nothing good to say about this film. RMFR

Ocean's 13 – Based of installments 11 and 12, this one is a must see. SY

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer – Critics have bashed the hell out of the 1st film, and sure, it has some problems; however, the trailer for this film makes it look freakin’ awesome. SY

Evan Almighty – Despite being a Jim Carey film, I liked Bruce Almighty. I don’t think I’ll like this one near as much. FIIK

Live Free or Die Hard – Finally another Die Hard film! I love the Die Hard franchise so far. Len Weismann is directing this one, which gives me cause for concern. He’s the hack who directed both Underworld films. I’ll go to see it with reservations, but I’ll see it nonetheless. SY

Ratatouille – This year’s entry by Disney and Pixar centers around a rat who likes really good food. It looks like a better premise than Cars, which I haven’t seen despite being a Pixar fan. FIIK

Transformers – I don’t care what the bitchy-ass fanboys say about this film. This film looks like a spectacular robots, carnage, shit blowing up, over-the-top, mega-blockbuster of a film by Michael Bay. Bay does this kind of film a lot with mixed results, but in this case, I think it’s exactly the kind of movie needed to bring the Transformers to the big screen. SY

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – So far I’ve enjoyed all the other films in this series. I haven’t read any of the books, and I won’t because I want to be surprised when I see this in theatres. SY

The Simpsons Movie – I’d say that over 15 successful years on television is reason enough for this movie. SY

The Bourne Ultimatum – I really really liked the 1st 2 films, but since I haven’t yet seen any promotional materials for this yet, I’m not quite as stoked as I should be. AM

Rush Hour 3 – Parts 1 and 2 were funny, but I’m note sure if a 3rd part is needed. If anyone can do it well though, it’s Brett Ratner. FIIK

Halloween – This movie is just now being cast, but I’ve heard enough to know that it will most like be a piece of shit. There are some things that don’t need to be re-made, and Michael Myers is one of those things. RMFR

Resident Evil: Extinction – Both other Resident Evil flicks were kind of shitty, but I found myself more entertained than I should have been with them. I’m not saying this movie will be good, but part of me still wants to see it. AM

Bean II – I believe that Rowan Atkinson is a funny man, but chances are I won’t spend my cash to see it in theatres. FIIK

30 Days of Night – The graphic novel this is based on was actually frightening in a way most horror-based graphic novels can’t achieve. I’m not a huge fan of vampire films, but I’d like to see how well this gets translated. AM

Saw IV – Enough already. Just enough. Yes, these films make a great deal of money, but money shouldn’t be the reason behind pointless sequel after pointless sequel. Uwe Boll makes horrible sequels like Bloodrayne II, but he makes them because he wants to make them, not because it will make him a wealthy man.

Beowulf – Any fan of the original work would love to see a film that’s as close to the epic source material as possible. I’ve heard this film is just that. This could very well be a great film, but only time will tell. AM

I Am Legend – This is based upon the book I Am Legend. Clever huh? This has been adapted previously into film, most notably The Omega Man starring Charlton Heston. This adaptation will star Will Smith. I’ve always liked post-apocalyptic movies. AM

Alien vs. Predator 2 – I’m a big enough fan of the Alien and Predator fanchises that I’d like to be praising this film. I’d like to, but I can’t. Maybe it will be good, but most likely it will fail miserably. FIIK (and that’s being generous)

National Treasure: The Book of Secrets – The 1st film was another surprise film from Disney. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I’m hoping the sequel is as fun as its predecessor. SY

The following films do not yet have release dates. Their release in 2007 is certainly in question for a few of these.

Sunshine – This looks to be a dark and depressing sci-fi from the director of 28 Days Later. AM

Sin City 2 – This truly is an unneeded sequel. Some may be eagerly anticipating this, but I’m not. FIIK (Generosity yet again)

Spy-Hunter – A film based upon a video game. This genre hasn’t fared so well in the past, but I’m actually looking forward to this. The game Spy-Hunter really has no plot, so even if the film has no plot, who gives a shit? It’s just about a spy in a kick-ass car that drives around and blows shit up. Although I don’t know how good of a spy you can be when you drive around in a chromed car that turns into a speedboat. That’s a tad conspicuous. This Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson which gives me a little bit of hope since I actually enjoyed him in the movie Doom. AM

Day of the Dead – I liked the Dawn of the Dead re-make. I may like this remake as well, but honestly, I usually hate zombie films. FIIK

Highlander: The Source – As a nerd, I should say that I love Highlander. I like Highlander, and that’s about it. FIIK

The Punisher 2 – I would be a liar if I said I didn’t like the 1st one. I shouldn’t like it, because it honestly wasn’t all that good, but I’m definitely glad the sequel has a greenlight. SY

That’s it for now. I know I probably misspelled some actor or director names, which I really can’t stand doing, but I’m too lazy to look every name up on the IMDB right now. Live with it.

Blogs and Nerdery

2007-01-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons I got a blog was because it seemed like a good way to stay knowledgeable on that happening of friends on such. Another reason I got a blog was because a few aforementioned friends already had a blog of their own. Now that I have a blog, it seems as though the other people I know with blogs never freaking post on a regular basis. Even the so-called, big-shot, college grad “Writer and author” I know hardly posts.

I’m not upset by this in the least. Rest assured, I’m not planning any of your deaths, at least not for this reason. I just enjoy hearing what my friends have to say. At the very least, you’re all mildly entertaining. Some people sit around and spend hours reading MySpace pages of random people. How is that rewarding? Honestly, I don’t give a shit about what some guy in Portland thinks about his wife’s Cheesy Bacon Casserole.

Enough of that. At least we’re not part of MySpace. Only tools have MySpace pages, unless you’re the one friend of mine who does have a MySpace page, in which case I say, I didn’t know you read my blog.

Shane and I have started buying the new World of Warcraft trading card game a few weeks ago. I used to mock people who went crazy over the Magic cards, and I still do as a matter of fact. Shane and I payed a few games, and it can be entertaining once you get the hang of it, but there are certain things I don’t think I can do in good conscience. For example, having a 30-sided dice, or is it die, can really help the game go smoother. I don’t think I can buy a 30-sided dice. Buying a multi-sided dice will push me to a new level of Nerd that I don’t want to enter. If I cross that line, I’ll find myself buying D&D books, Warhammer miniatures, and attending game cons looking for the rare Blue Orc Magic card #245 of 450 to complete my set, or some item like that, all while dressed an a ENT from Lord of the Rings. That shit isn’t going to happen. I can bring myself to buy a few cards, and I can even bring myself to play a game or two on occasion, but there are certain things I just can not do. If anyone has a 30-sided dice you want to give me, that’s fine, but I ain’t buying one. Even just buying the cards is straddling the nerd line. When I bought a few packs at a GameStop last week, the clerk started rambling in depth about certain rare cards, night elves, and something called Onyxia. I had no fucking clue what he was talking about and I was damn near ready to jump over the counter and hurt him severely. I guess there are two types of nerds. The first type is the quiet nerd who would be happy if no one else knew he bought nerdish things. This nerd will not let his nerdish hobbies consume every aspect of his life. This is the type of nerd I am. The second type of nerd is the one who wants everyone to know that he has a level 70 white wizard with the Staff of Thartual. This nerd sees no problem with going to an anime convention dressed as a Japanese schoolgirl being attacked by a tentacle porn monster. This is the type of nerd who will die a virgin.

So you all know, the crack about a nerd going to a con dressed as a schoolgirl being attacked by a tentacle porn monster wasn’t just a clever joke. Sadly, I know someone who did that. Thankfully, it was a female who was dressed as a Japanese schoolgirl. This person invited me along to an anime convention. I said no as politely as possible, and I did it without bursting into laughter. I’m proud of myself. Of course, she won’t die a virgin because she is female, but a man in the same situation certainly will.

Well, I’m out of things to say. When I blog next, it will be about the upcoming movies that you should see, and those you should avoid, in the coming year.

X-Mas

2006-12-26T13:30:00.000-07:00

Christmas is finally over. I have to say, this has perhaps been the best Christmas I’ve had in a while, and this is why:

First, I found humor at the one church service I’ve gone to all year. In one of the gifts from my mother, there was a Canadian dime. How that made it into the package, no one knows. For some reason, I found it real god damn funny when I threw that into the collection plate during the service. It’s the first time I’ve donated money to a church, but they can’t even use it. I’m just picturing the pastor sorting the money, coming across the Canadian dime, and cursing like a sailor.

Secondly, we’ve been in our apartment for a year now. Last year, at this time, we didn’t have everything unpacked and it felt less like a home. This year, we had the tree set-up and it was our first Christmas together in our own place.

Thirdly, There were many gifts under the tree. Last year, we didn’t have a lot of money, so I wasn’t able to get Samantha very much. It felt great to be able to give so much. We were also able to give our family and friends a little more than we had in the past. Sure, it’s good to receive, but this year, I enjoyed the giving part a lot more. And to those friends reading this who normally receive gifts from me, or to those who just got married, your gifts are coming. I’m just a slow bastard when it comes to getting to the post office, and you’ll just have to live with it.

Fourthly, I received great gifts. Yes, I know I just said the giving was better, and it was, but it’s still nice to get a few good things. Here is what I personally received: $75 cash, $20 Barnes and Noble gift card, a sweater, a Far Side desk calendar, A DeWalt cordless drill, a pair of Grinch boxer shorts, Media Manager software for PSP, Killzone Liberation game for PSP, and a 1:18 scale WWII-era German anti-tank cannon for my G.I. Joe collection. There were a few gifts for both Samantha and I which were: A rice steamer, a full set of bath towels, a set of really nice coasters, a candle, a $25 Target Gift card, a Christmas ornament, and a book full of tasty cocktail recipes.

Fifthly, I ate at the Texas Roadhouse. That’s the place to go if you want a damn good steak. I was looking forward to the 16 ounce prime rib, and it did not disappoint. Normally, I wouldn’t eat that much meat in one sitting, but I don’t get to go there often, so I cram as much beef down as I can while I’m there.

Lastly, my mom and I went shopping at a few places this morning. The day after Christmas is usually accompanied by maddening crowds of assholes all trying to push themselves closer to the rack of 50% off wrapping paper and assorted trinkets. At both Target and Wal-Mart, the aisles were near empty. I’m not sure if it was the snow still on the ground, but something kept people from going crazy, and I was thankful for that.

Of course, there were a few negative occurrences this last week. There was the blizzard. There was the walk 2 miles through the snow to get a goddamn turkey. There was me losing my keys somewhere in that 2 miles. Shit happens though, and I can forget all that because the rest of the time was grand.

I’m quite sure that all of this Christmas cheer will wash off of me in a day or two, and then I’ll be back to the selfish, angry, insensitive individual most of you know me as. Until then, I hope that all of you had a great Christmas.

Happy New Year…….Bitches.

When you don't have to care

2006-12-05T22:55:00.000-07:00

Having a second job that you don't really really need has its benefits. The main one being: I don't have to give a shit. It feels good to not have to worry about impressing the bosses or saying the right things to keep the job. If I get fired tomorrow, it doesn't matter. It really is a liberating feeling. I called in sick 2 days in a row. I really was sick the first day. I didn't feel like going in the second day.

This freedom I have is going to come in handy tomorrow when I talk to the store manager. This week's schedule came out on Saturday. The week starts on Sunday so it's not like they give us much time to plan our week anyway. On that schedule, I was to start work tonight at 5. On that schedule, I had tomorrow night (Wednewsday) off. On that schedule, I had this next Saturday off. I came in today after being sick the last 2 days to find my schedule completely changed. Now I had to work at 6:30 tonight instead of 5. I have Thursday night off instead of Wednesday, and I have to work Saturday.

Any place of employment that changes a schedule like this without asking or telling the employee about the change isn't worth working at. It's unethical and, quite frankly, a piece of shit thing to do. So I'm going to talk to the the store manager tomorrow. Tim is his name. I may just call him Timmy and see how he handles it. I'll tell Timmy that I'll accept the Wednesday/Thursday change, but there's no way in hell I'm working Saturday. It's not that I've made any plans, but it's the principle of the matter. Timmy can take me off the schedule for Saturday or Timmy can become enraged when I tell him to kiss my ass.

People say that one isn't supposed to burn bridges when leaving a job, but at the same time, employers aren't supposed to change employee's shedules at a whim and expect them to alter the rest of their lives to fit. If I burn this bridge, so what? Libraries aren't going to need a reference from ToysRUs. I've got almost ten years worth of perfect employment history that speaks for itself.

It feels so damn good to not have to give a shit.

FIRE!!

2006-11-28T05:03:00.000-07:00

It's 5 A.M. and I'm awake, so this has to be worth writing about.

Samanha woke me up about a half hour ago because she smelled smoke. I could hear the smoke alarm going off in the apartment below us. Long story really short: The idiot below us came home drunker than shit and passed out while trying to cook a chicken.

Apparrently it was a small fire. The fire department is here now and doesn't seem too concerned.

Sure, accidents happen, but what I'm pissed about is that wer'e living above a guy who doesn't have enough common sense to not cook while drunk. I'm living above an alcoholic college-aged guy who could have easily destryoed my entire life tonight. What about tomorrow night, or the next? What's going to keep this stupid fuck from endangering our lives again in the future? He's only been here in that apartment for one week. One week and he's almost killed people through drunken idiocy.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS FUCKING DORM HALL BEHAVIOR.

Now my apartment is full of smoke, and we have all the doors and windows open to clear it out. It's 28 god damn degrees outside, and I have to sit here with all the doors and windows open.

That son of a bitch is lucky he's surrounded by a bunch of firemen, otherwise I'd kick his fucking ass right now. I'm seriously considering punching him in the face anyway. My next blog could be describing what a night in jail is like, but it would be worth it to break this fucker's face open.

The firemen are in our apartment now with a big ass fan. Apparrently the jackas sis headed to the hospital to get treated for his smoke inhallation and asthma issues. Thankfully there is a little justice done this night.

I still have a blog?! Well Shit!!

2006-11-27T20:15:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in quite a while, mostly because I've just been a lazy bastard.

Actually that's not entirely true. I say I'm a lazy bastard, and I indeed am when I have free time, but I'm working two jobs right now, so that in itself means I'm not too terribly lazy.

Just so everybody knows, working at ToysRUs the day after Thanksgiving blows ass. Every other day there has been fine, but Black Friday was a piece of shit. I have worked long shifts before, but TRU made everyone work a 12 hour shift. In all my years of employent, this 12 hour shift was a 1st, and I've worked construction jobs. What really got on my nerves was the 30 minute lunch. They could have had the decency to give us an hour. Oh well, that paycheck will be nice and hefty which means I'll be able to buy Samantha the Christmas gift I want to get her. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made. See, I really am a nice guy.

Generally I wouldn’t waste my precious time to talk about food and drink, but today is different. Today is different because today follows yesterday. And yesterday, I tasted what I can only describe as the vilest soda ever produced by mankind.

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the Jones Soda Co. They make some damn fine sodas. For Halloween they actually had Candy Corn Soda, which was tasty. They also produce boxed sets of limited sodas around the holidays. A week ago I picked up a set of sodas highlighting deserts. They were all fantastic. There was Cherry Pie, Banana Crème Pie, Blueberry Pie, Key Lime Pie, and Apple Pie.

Then there was the boxed set titled: Holiday Pack. Samantha wanted to try it. I looked at the flavors and warned her not to buy them. She heeded not my warning and bought it anyway. She cracked one of them open last night and offered me a sip. I have a strong stomach and can handle pretty much any food or beverage. The Sweet Potato Soda however, almost caused me to puke on the living room floor. Yes, you heard me correctly. Jones Soda had the grand idea of Sweet Potato Soda. You may be sitting there imaging how horrible this actually tastes. I can guarantee you that it tastes worse than anything you could ever imagine.

I have to give Jones Soda credit for making these sodas taste exactly what they’re supposed to taste like. There will be no argument from me that the Sweet Potato Soda doesn’t taste like sweet potatoes.

Fortunately for me, Samantha tried a bottle from this set 2 nights ago when I wasn’t home. She tried the Pea Soda and told me it was worse than the Sweet Potato Soda. How a bottle of liquid filth can taste worse than another bottle of liquid filth is beyond me. There are still 3 bottles from this set left in our fridge. What I have left to look forward to are these wonderful flavors: Turkey and Gravy Soda, Dinner Roll Soda, and Antacid Flavored Soda. I think it’s ironic that the antacid flavored soda will probably give me gut-wrenching stomach cramps.

I’m one lucky son of a bitch.

As I finished typing that last sentence, Sam opened the bottle of Turkey and Gravy Soda. It's not near as bad as the sweet potato, but it's bad enough that Sam got a big glass of water to act as a chaser.

I would have prefered a chaser of Captain Morgan, but apparently, even the Captain is keeping the fuck away from this soda.

On most Mondays, I'd give you all a rundown of DVDs being released tomorrow, but I don't want to right now. All I'll say is that Superman Returns is being released tomorrow, and frankly, it dissapointed me. I'm not going to buy it, so that has to say something.

Peace out bitches.

Today is certainly NOT a good day.

2006-11-06T21:56:00.000-07:00

My pal Andy said it was a good day on his blog because the Democratic party essentially made Tuesday's election its bitch.

At least in Colorado, the election was a farce due to Referendum I. You see, the purpose of Referendum I was to create a category called "Domestic Partnerships" so that gays and lesbian could share the same legal rights as married couples. I'm talking about basic legal rights that couples are allowed to share if they're heterosexual. It isn't marriage, it's just basic legal rights for crying out loud.

I'm pissed because it shouldn't have even been an issue. We live in a country where everyone is SUPPOSED to be equal. If a black man or a woman doesn't a job, then he or she can sue because he or she wasn't treated "equally." Everyone is so goddamed happy to live in a country where everyone is equal and where everyone shares the same opportunities.

So why the fuck did Referendum I fail? Why the fuck did these whites, and blacks, and men, and woman, and rich, and poor, ALL of whom demand equal rights for themselves, vote against a Referendum to give others the rights they have?

WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST LET OTHER PEOPLE BE FUCKING EQUAL? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME ONE LOGICAL REASON WHY GIVING OTHERS BASIC LEGAL RIGHTS HAS ANY FUCKING EFFECT ON YOUR OWN PATHETIC LIVES?

It baffles me so much that I can't even begin to comprehend why this is even an issue, let alone why it wouldn't pass. And it angers me. Ignorance and intolerance on this level is not only upsetting, but it's unforgiveable.

Let's face it: Gays are the new Blacks. Nowadays, people look back at the Civil Rights movement and say, "How could those people have thought that Blacks were any different? Of course they deserve the same rights." Replace the word "Blacks" with "Gays" and you'll have a statement that people will be saying 40 years from now. In 2050, people will look at this era with shame because we still didn't have the sense to learn from our past and continued to treat certain groups of people like 2nd class citizens. And that pisses me off too.

Gays and lesbians can't get married. This seems odd to me since convicted murderers serving multiple life sentences can get married while in jail. So why can't gay people marry? No matter if you agree with gays and their lifestyle or not, you have to at least admit that it doesn't seem very fair when put like that now does it?

Colorado is a fairly liberal state and if we can't get laws like that passed here, what hope does this country have for equal rights anytime soon?

And no, I didn't vote, but Referendum I failed by such an amount that even if I had waited in line for 2 hours in the 30 minutes I had between jobs, the result would have been the same. And no matter if 20,000 more people voted, it honestly wouldn't have mattered because, statistically speaking, the yes/no percentage would have been the same within those 20,000 people. I just lhave to live with the fact that the majority of the population doesn't give a fucking shit about anyone other than themselves.

I'm so unbelieveably angry right now that I can't even make joke out of any of this. This election was a joke.

Fuck You Colorado. Fuck all of you.

You ever feel like you're being watched?

2006-11-02T22:19:00.000-07:00

I've been at National Jewish for over a year and a half now. I'm a damn good employee. I consistently get all my work done before the deadlines I'm given. I handle every single library patron with respect, no matter how rude they are.

Sure, I browse the internet from time to time. I sit at a computer all day, so of course I'm going to look around when I have spare time when I really have nothing else to do. it's not like I can leave the desk to do other projects. My job is to sit at the desk and help patrons. My internet habits have been the same for the last 18+ months.

So, I think it's odd that a few weeks after I make a posting on the idocy if the IS department, I get a call from Bob in the IS department. This is what he said:
"We've been monitoring your internet usage. You've been looking at EBay alot. You're going to have to tone that down a notch."

Now, I can understand the concern if I wasn't getting my job done. What bothers me is that Bob is the last person who should be lecturing me on work ethics. The purpose of the IS dept. is to help people with their IS needs, naturally. EVERY time I contact the IS department for help, I get a speedy response, often within an hour. Hell, earlier this week, someone showed up in 15 minutes. Well, I always get a speedy response except when it's Bob who answers the call. Someone needed help with the wireless connection today. Bob is in charge of that. Bob was called at 9:15 AM. The person who needed the connection waited for help until noon and then left pissed off. Bob called me a 2:15 P.M. And, Bob's solution was one he could have done in about 2 minutes while the patron was still in the God Damned library.

Other people in the IS department complain that he never answers his work phone. I've heard NUMEROUS people say he's an arrogant asshole. Combine that with his general lazy-ass, no pride attitude in his job and you've got a man who has no right lecturing me.

He probably sat there in front of his computer monitoring MY internet usage while the patron that needed help was waiting anxiously for his help.

Yeah Bob, maybe you're reading this. I don't give a shit. You can try to make my life there hell. You can cut off my internet access. But, since I'll comply with your request today and cut out the EBay searching, you'll have no right to do so. You can try to use this blog as evidence against me, but I'm writing this at 10:30 PM in my apartment, not at work. Freedom of speech is a glorious thing isn't it?

Let's just consider this a truce huh Bob? I'll cut down on the internet usage you deem innapropriate. I'll also continue to keep my mouth shut and not say a word when you chit chat with Shandra for 30 minutes about non-work related items. I'll continue to not say negative words against you to my co-workers. I'll continue to treat you with respect that you may or may not deserve.

And, just for your reference Bobbo, I do have breaks and luchtime that I'll use to search on EBay if I feel so damn inclined. I have a question for you as well: Who the hell monitors YOUR internet usage? Can I?

And with that, I'll move on to me.

Money is a tad tight right now. All my friends reading this know how that goes. None of my friends are wealthy. Having to give Denver University a large chunk of cash here next week is going to make things a bit rough for a month or two. I didn't really want to do it, but I turned in an application for a second job. A seasonal job mind you, so it would be over right after Christmas, which is when classes begin again for me. I only turned in one application and that's all I'm going to do. if I don't get this seasonal job, then finances are just going to have to stay tight for a few months. I'm not going to bust my ass to try to find a job that will only last 7 weeks. Once January hits, things will even out again, but until then, a little extra money would be nice.

Samantha doesn't want me to get another job because she doesn't want me to get burned out. She said, "But you'll be tired all the time." Well, I think being tired is a small price to pay for being able to pay all your bills. Plus, I only work 32 hours a week at the library. When I started at DU, I was working 40 hours a week, and I was taking 3 classes. I can handle a 2nd part time job right now with no problems since I'm not in class now.

Denver University tried fucking me over again today too. They cancelled my student loans because I'm not taking any classes now, even though that isn't an issue since the loans are for January 2007 forward. After 20 minutes on the phone on hold, I was told it would be taken care of.

Today has just kind of sucked. And with that, I'm going to bed. I'm tired and just a bit pissed still.

Pissed meaning angry, not drunk. I can't afford booze now.

Tidbits, etc.

2006-10-30T13:58:00.000-07:00

Not too many news stories shock me these days. We live in a world where pretty much anything can happen, and due to television and the internet, we hear about it. However, this news story headline on CNN.Com really does shock and disgust me:
Alabama teen charged with raping his mom
I can't actually read the story because it's a video clip and those are blocked at work. Now, I could make numerous Alabama jokes involving sex with family members, but that's too easy. Seriosly though, what kind of fucked up human would even consider this an option? It's so absurd and unvelievable you'd expect to see it as a joke on The Onion. I'm well aware of how insane some people are, but this takes it to a whole new level.

Well that was kind of depressing. On to other news. BBC.com, which I find superior to CNN has this as a headline today:
Siberia ravaged by bootleg vodka
This also sounded like a headline from The Onion. It sounds like a funny story right? Well, read the story yourself:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/6099906.stm
I was expecting some offbeat story, instead it's about poisonings and the general condition of Russia and it's people. On a side note to this, I've had to declare a personal state of emergency due to vodka on at least 1 occassion.

I went through my e-mail's Spam folder agian this morning and had a few laughs. Again, let me share with you a few Spam message subject lines I thought were funny:

Vote for your favorite laundry detergent! - Who the hell sees this and says, "WOW, I've always wated people to hear my opinions on Tide. This is my chance!"
Lower Homle Palyment by 30 Percelnt - I wish I could get the percelntage rate on my creldit card lowered too.
surpass Innoceent Girl getting salacious it anallyy! - Mi Meet-sthick becumm riggidd juice thinnkkinngg abhout itt!
Trojan Latex Condoms On Us - I think they mean free condoms.
Looking to buy land in Costa Rica? - Not really, no.
Are you losing your hair? - Not on my head.

On to other matters. Denver University tries to find reasaons to put holds on my account. They just put a hold on my account because they need a transcript from the University of Nebraska Omaha where I took 1 class to fulfil a credit I needed at Dana. I only have 5 classes left at DU, and they let me know they need the transcript NOW. They put a 2nd hold on my account because I need to prove that I've gotten my Measels/Mumps/Rubella shots. I proved this when I started going there, but now I have to prove it again before I can take any more classes. Next, they'll put a hold on my account claiming it's against DU guidelines to run over your professors due to "grading errors."

I guess I'll leave you with the DVD releases for this week.

Ghost Whisperer: The Complete First Season - This show looks like complete shit.
Mission: Impossible III - I really liked this movie. It's by far the best of the 3. Don't let your dislike for the 2nd one keep you from watching this one. this one is being released today, and not on a Tuesday like DVDs normally are.
The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! Volume 2 - I hated this show as a child. Anything with professional wrestler Captain Lou Albano just has to suck. The laws of physics say so.

That's all. Tis a slow DVD week.

Halloween

2006-10-24T14:46:00.000-06:00

Yep, Halloween is almost here, and I have no costume. This displeases me. I put together award winning costumes the last two years, but this year, due to limited funds, I won't be able to do so. I've been invited to the same Halloween party I've gone to the last 2 years, but I don't want to go with a shitty store bought costume. And I certainly don't want to go with no costume at all.

Other than that, I really have nothing else to say. I haven't seen any movies lately. I haven't read any good books lately, but I am going to start Anasazi Boys tonight. I'm anticipating that to be a fine book. So yeah, I'm just sitting here at work bored out of my mind.

I think I'll just review the DVDs released today and be done with it.

An American Haunting - From what I hear, this was a dumb-ass movie.
Batman Beyond: Season Two - I've always like this show. This will soon be added to my collection.
Justice League Unlimited: Season One- This will also soon be part of my collection.
Krypto the Superdog: Super Pets Unleashed - This will probably never be part of my collection.
MacGyver: The Complete Final Season - I'll let you decide for yourselves on this one.
MacGyver: The Complete Series - Tempting isn't it?
Monster House - From the trailers, this movie looked like absolute shit. Apparently, my initial impression was worng since a whole lot of people seem to really like this film.
Nacho Libre - Probably not a masterpiece, but good for a few laughs at least.
Nightmares & Dreamscapes - I'm definately going to rent this. I only caught 3 of the 8 stories when they were shown on TNT, and none of them were bad. In fact, the first one was downright awesome.
Reservoir Dogs: 15th Anniversary - I am not going to buy this. Yeah, everyone says it's a great film. Yeah, everyone thinks Tarantino is a God among men. I enjoyed it sure, but I'm not obsessed with it like some folk seem to be. It's a great film for drinking games though.
Saturday Night Live: The Best of Saturday TV Funhouse - It has the Ambiguously Gay Duo on the cover, so this has to be good!
Saw II: 2-Disc Uncut Edition - Right in time for Saw III. Great. These aren't bad horror films. I've seen worse. But they're just not quite good enough to buy.
Slither - This movie looks fuckin' retarded. And to the retarded people out there outraged by my use of the word retarded, well, I'm sorry that you're retarded. It must really suck. It has a lot of good reviews, but I still plan on never watching this.

And that's it.

No really, that's it.

Me, and a few other people, but mainly me.

2006-10-21T22:36:00.000-06:00

I haven't really posted pics of me or Samantha here ever. Here we go.

The 1st one is of Samantha and I. She's trying to be playful and coy. I was probably just annoyed. The 2nd one is a badly taken pic. The fault of one of my cousins. That pic is Samantha, me, and my mom and dad.

Did you say reboot the computer, or put my boot up your ass?

2006-10-20T13:38:00.000-06:00

The IS department here at National Jewish is really starting to piss me off.

By IS, I mean Information Services. Basically what other places call the IT department. Those pompous assholes who think they know everything about every computer ever made.

The issue is quite simple really. National Jewish is the #1 respiratory hospital in the United States. We’re ranked above the Mayo Clinic. Those pussies are like #2 or #3. As the cream of the crop, one would think we’d be ahead of the average hospital as far as technology. Well, we’re not, and the IS dept. doesn’t want to do anything to change that.

All I’m asking for is wireless internet (Wi-Fi) access throughout the institution for patients and staff. If not the whole institution, then at least in the library. Everyone has Wi-Fi these days including public libraries, bookstores, Starbucks, and most other hospitals. As a library, we’re here to serve the patrons, whether they are patients or staff. National Jewish is supposed to put “Patients First.” Despite this policy, I have to tell patients at least once a day, “No, I’m sorry, you can’t access the internet here with your computer. The coffee shop down the street has it though.”

Even though we’re number 1, we don’t have campus-wide Wi-Fi like Dana College had 6 years ago. Dana Fucking College is more technologically advanced than National Jewish. It pisses me off to no end that our IS dept. doesn’t even try to make this work for the patients and staff.

If you were a staff member here, wouldn’t you want wireless access? If you were the top immunologists in the world doing groundbreaking research, wouldn’t you want wireless access? Wouldn’t you demand it? If you were a patient spending quite a lot of money to get treatment here, and taking time off work to do so, wouldn’t you feel screwed over if you didn’t have a way to connect your laptop?
IS tells us that patients can use the library computers to do their work. THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING POINT ASSHOLES. All they’re doing is making up excuses to NOT install wireless. Their concerns are ones that other institutions solved ages ago. When my boss Roz sent out an e-mail to IS yesterday concerning wireless, this was their response:

At this time Information Systems cannot control non-NJC laptops that access the wireless network. We have a number of wireless networks in the center and are experienced in the application of wireless and how to control it, but there is no way to control the laptop, which could contain viruses. The wireless network will not be opened up in the future, unless the are new processes that work to control the laptop and the cost is reasonable.

WHAT THE FUCK???? They’re concerned over outside laptops accessing National Jewish’s internal Intranet. All we want is an internet line NOT connected to the Intranet and shunted through a wireless emitter. And you shouldn’t want to CONTROL someone else’s laptop anyway you fascist bastards. Viruses can be a problem, but there are viruses introduced to the system every damn day by e-mail and such. If your virus scan software handles that, it should be able to handle multiple instances. It doesn’t matter anyway since the library Wi-Fi wouldn’t go through the Intranet servers. You mooks say that wireless access is already at National Jewish in certain places? Well isn’t that just dandy? Sure, the IS dept. Probably has their own Wi-Fi. The library does have it for staff only, However, we don’t have the access codes for it. So, if staff does want to use it, they have to contact the one person in IS who has the code. IF that assfuck decides to answer his phone, he schedules a time to meet with the staff member and make sure their computer is virus-free before giving them the code. This process usually takes 2 days. Two goddamn days?! As for the “reasonable cost” bullshit, Dana College can afford it. Every other hospital in Denver can afford it. I’m pretty sure with all the money this place makes, it could be easily budgeted in.

You lazy fucks are denying this privilege solely on your apathy and incompetence. If my boss doesn’t take the next step, I will. The President of National Jewish told everyone, no matter how shitty their job is, to inform him of things that can be improved. I’ll inform him, and when I do, I’ll have stats on all the other medical centers that have wireless. I’ll have documentation of how wrong IS is and the need for Wi-Fi.

The staff is suffering and customer service is suffering while IS sits on their fat asses shoving Twinkies down their food holes. I sincerely wish the IS Department a great FOctober.

The funniest picture I've ever seen

2006-10-18T00:16:00.000-06:00

What the hell is funnier than a monkey that resembles George Burns? Nothing I dare say.

Cellebration, Ham, and Films

2006-10-15T23:28:00.000-06:00

This truly is a great time of the year for cellebration. You've got Halloween at the end of the month, and many folk take this month to take part in numerous OctoberFests around the world.
I'd feel bad if I didn't do anything special this October, so I proudly present the 1st annual FOctober Fest.

First, to the apartment managers who run this complex. For taking the time and energy to post a note on our door to tell us we own them 60 cents, FOc You!

Secondly, to the politicians running for office now, with your mudslinging and outrageous lies, Go FOc Yourself!

To Denver University's Financial Aid Office, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE ASSHOLES! FOc Off!

For now, that's all, but I'll celebrate more in further postings. Take this time to celebrate FOctober Fest by drinking a pitcher of beer and by telling someone you know about FOctober Fest!

So, I read comic books, as do many of the people who read this blog. Hopefully you'll anticipate this January release as much as I do:
ULTIMATE CIVIL WAR SPIDER-HAM CRISIS (FEATURING WOLVER-HAM) #1Written by J. MICHAEL STRACZYNSKI Penciled by MIKE WIERINGO, MIKE ALLRED, JOHN SEVERIN, NICK DRAGOTTA, ARIEL OLIVETTI and JIM MAHFOOD Cover by MIKE WIERINGO You asked for it, you got it! Quite possibly the most important comic ever! A life-changing event that will change the way you look at yourself and the world around you! Spinning out of the page of CIVIL WAR -- and every other top-selling comic crossover event you can think of – it’s ULTIMATE CIVIL WAR SPIDER-HAM CRISIS (FEATURING WOLVER-HAM)!!! He’s little, he’s pink, he knows how to bring home the bacon. He’s Spider-Ham – and he’s about to embark a kaleidoscopic, time-spanning, universe-shifting journey that will prove just how big a pig he really is. Guest-starring: Iron Ham, Deviled Ham, Fantastic Ham, Green Ham, Ant-Ham, Ultimate Captain Ham, Hambit, Hamneto, and everyone’s favorite Sorcerer Supreme -- whathisface? You know, the guy with the blue tights and red cape…Mustache…Man-servant named Wong? -- anyway, you know who I’m talking about. He’s in it, too. And Wolver-Ham – did I mention him?32 PGS./Rated T+ …$2.99

Deviled Ham, Hambit, and Hamneto. Oh how those make me chuckle. Hopefully though, there will be a guest appearance by the Lord of Atlantis, Hamor.

You want to know what coming out on Tuesday on DVD don't you? Alright, I'll tell you, but then you have to go to bed.

American Dreamz - Some say this movie is clever and entertaining, while others say it is both fetid and boring. I probably won't spend my money to find out, so that's up to you.
Behind Enemy Lines II: Axis of Evil - I'll admit, I found Behind Enemy Lines to be a pretty enjoyable film. That being said, NO ONE asked for a sequel and from what I hear, this is less of a sequel and more of a shitty film trying to capitalize off the 1st film by using the title.
The Break-Up - I, as most men, don't care for romantic comedies. This is why I won't watch this film, unless of course Samantha rents it and makes me watch it with her. This is a possibility, as is me bashing my head against the coffee table shortly thereafter.
Charmed: The Complete Sixth Season - I know a lot of people who like sci-fi, fantasy, and other shows of this genre, and yet I don't know a single person who has bothered to buy any of these seasons.
Feast - This is the only release that I'm really looking forward to on Tuesday. This was intended to be released theatrically last year, but it only saw limited release last month. This looks like a fun "Creature killing people in an isolated setting" movie. For the one person who'll read this and say, "That sounds like shit," I'll have you know this was done by Project Greenlight, who were the minds behind the television show Push, Nevada. That doesn't mean that this will be a good film, but I'm sure looking forward to seeing it to find out.
The Omen - This is the remake released last June. To me, this seems like a pointless remake when the original was quite good and didn't need a remake. Maybe someone who has seen it can tell me if it's any good or not, but the general buzz is that it isn't.
Over the Hedge - Haven't seen it, but I'm sure it's entertaining for what it is.
Panic Room (Superbit Deluxe) - Decent film, but I wouldn't purchase this version since I found that original release in the $5 bins at Wal-Mart. That version is good enough for me.
That 70's Show: Season Five - At first, I never watched this show due to my general dislike of sitcoms. Recently though, I've seen quite a few episodes as Samantha likes to watch the reruns. I'll admit it's a funny show.
Rest Stop - Not only a newly-released horror movie, but also where Bob's mom can be found every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday nights blowing long-haul truckers for spare change. Both this film and Bob's mom have in common the ability to suck.

And that's it for today. I hope you've found this both informative and entertaining. Infotaining if you will. If not, well your blogs aren't any better dickheads.

Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...

2006-10-13T10:13:00.000-06:00

These bastards that come into this library broke the electric stapler.....again. These are doctors and such, and they can't use an electric stapler. On top of that, people take the regular stapler off the little table where we keep it for patrons to use and it goes missing for days on end. Of course, other people then decide since they need a stapler, they take mine off my desk.

I'm in charge of ordering such things as staplers. I used to order the good Swingline metal staplers for the entire library to use, because they're quite durable. Fuck that. From now on, the public staplers will be the cheapest ones I can find. And to make sure I can identify MY stapler in the library, I just bought one of those bright red 747 Swingline staplers, just like Milton cherished in the film Office Space. Milton was right, this stapler kicks ass. No one else that I know has one of these beauties. It will remain concealed under my desk on top of the computer. Just in case this one goes missing, I also ordered a backup. But the backup isn't red, it's chromed. That's right, a chrome Swingline 747 stapler baby.

So, Samantha and I got into a pretty big fight last night. After these big fights, you look back and say, "Well that was a stupid thing to fight over, I should have just shut my mouth." Not this time. I was pissed and had a right to be. You see, Samantha and I bought a buch of furniture last December when we got this apartment. Part of that included a nice Suede couch and matching armchair. Samantha's new pets are rats, 3 of them to be exact. She lets them run around on the couch with her. Last week, I noticed a few chew holes on 2 of the cushions. They aren't noticable because they're in the back and they tuck under the couch, but still, I was upset. I mean this is a brand new fuckin' couch.

So, I told her not to let the rats run around in the couch anymore. Logically, the only way to prevent them from chewing up the couch is to not let them on the couch. It's just plain goddamn common sense. She had a fucking fit and told me I can't make arbitrary decisions like that without talking to her, and that she thought the chew holes were over a month old and that the rats aren't chewing the couch anymore, blah, blah, blah.

She continued to let them run on the couch, and of curse, last night, they chew a noticeable hole on the top of the fucking armrest. It makes the entire couch look like shit now. She got all pissed because I was yelling over a material possession, the couch. It wasn't totally about the couch. It was about me expressing my concerns a week ago and her not giving a shit. It was about me trying to be proactive and prevent the damage instead of her being reactive when the damage is already done.

So, we can leave the couch like it is, looking like shit. We can get the arm fixed, which would probably cost a whole lot. Or, we can get matching couch and seat covers to cover them up. That last idea pisses me off more, because we shouldn't have to do that. Plus, it makes me feel like I'm fuckin' white trash. Also, there's a reason we picked the couch and chair we did, because we liked the color and the way it looks. Of course, we wouldn't have to make a decision what to do on the couch, HAD SHE LISTENED TO ME A WEEK AGO.

Normally, I don't badmouth Samantha, but for an educated woman, she can sure be a fucking dumbass at times.

It's like my mom always said: "We can't have anything nice." Now I know exactly what she meant.

I've decided that I'm fat. Well, I've known for quite some time now that I'm out of shape. I used to be in pretty good shape. I used to take Tae Kwon Do. I went on two 500+ mile bike trips. Bicycle, not motorcycle. I was never the fastest or the strongest guy, but I was pretty healthy. I know I'm getting fat because my pants tell me so. For the longest time, I wore pants with a 36 waist. Now, I'm up to 38, and one of my pairs of 38s now seems to be a bit too small.

I've never gone on a diet. I never needed to before now. But, I've got to do something. So, starting today, I'm going to try to eat a bit better. I'd start working out, riding a bike again, and son on, but there are problems with that. First, fitness clubs are pretty expensive, and money is a tad tight right now. Plus, I hate the atmosphere of a fitness club. I'd ride a bike, but a quality bike is at least $400. That's a lot when money is tight. I'd start Tae Kwon Do again, but that shit's expensive too.

I should loose some weight pretty quickly though. My new diet and high metabolism, combined with the excercise provided when I bone Bob's mom 4 times a day should provide satisfactory results.

So I lied

2006-10-09T15:49:00.000-06:00

I said a week ago that I'd post a review of the move The Descent on Wednesday or Thursday. Well, I didn't do that now did I? So I lied.

I told Bob's mom I'd always be there for her no matter how many NFL teams she slept with. So I lied.

I'll correct one of these lies and review The Descent for you now. I'll also add a review for Silent Hill. With Halloween coming up, review two "scary" movies seems like a good thing to do. Mind you, these won't be well-written or in-depth reviews.

The Descent:
I've said before that I'm not a big horror movie fan. I should correct that statement. What I should have said is that I'm not a big shitty movie fan. I enjoy a good horror flick, if it's done well. Sadly, a lot of recent horror movies have been absolutely horrible. So, when I got done watching The Descent, I was glad that I didn't waste my time on one of the shitty horror films.

I won't take the time to give you the full plot or character breakdown. I'll just sum it up: A group of women get trapped in a cave system where they're killed and eaten by a group of creatures who've evolved to live in said cave system.

Is it a gory film? Sure. Although it isn't near as gory as i'd thought it would be. All the critics said it's extremely gory, and personally, I didn't thik it was all that bad. I don't like needless gore, but in this film, the gore was in the right places and in the right amounts.

The acting was just fine. Good enough that I believed the women and the plight they were in.

Cheap horror films often resort to cheap scares like the monster popping out of nowhere accompanied by a creshendo in the music. The Descent had a few moments like this, but most of the scares come from the atmosphere and the genuine horror of the situation and the uncertainty of who will make it and who won't.

That's it for the review. See, I told you it wouldn't be much. I was genuinely impressed with it and I reccommend you watch it when you get the chance. Now, I saw the European release, which has a slightly more depressing ending than the American release, but either ending works in my opinion. So see it.

Alright, now on to Silent Hill. This review will be shorter. I can't honestly say you should see this movie. I had high hopes for this film. I loved the video games and I think the director has done some good work previously. I was hoping that I would generaly be freaked out watching this film, as I often was playing the game. That never happened. It's not a horrible film by any means. Some of the visuals are downright cool. But, in the end, this film just wasn't scary. If you advertise a film as a horror film, it should at least be a little scary.

I'm going to move on the the DVD releases for tomorrow. I could talk about happenings in my life, but nothing has happened.

The Andy Milonakis Show: The Complete Second Season - I've heard this show is quite funny. I've yet to see any of it.
The A-Team: Season Five - The Final Season - This show was so stupid, yet so enjoyable.
Bad Santa: Director's Cut - I have it on good authority that this movie is also quite funny. I don't know why I haven't rented it yet.
The Butterfly Effect 2 - If you buy this, you'll wish you could go back in time and correct that mistake. Sadly, you wouldn't be able to.
Click (Special Edition) - This is one of those movies that I don't care to see, but if I had the chance to watch it, I probably would. It's probably good for a few laughs.
The Exorcist: The Complete Anthology - Just in time for Halloween.
Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties - Like The Butterfly Effect 2, we have another pointless sequel that should never be.
Magnum P.I.: The Complete Fifth Season - I don't think there's a single person on Earth who dislikes this show.
A Prairie Home Companion - This film had great reviews, but for some reason it was a limited release film.
Simon & Simon: Season One - FINALLY!
Waist Deep (Widescreen) - I just don't care.

That's it. I must go now so I can finish watching the Broncos game.

Vehicular Manslaughter

2006-10-03T14:21:00.000-06:00

No, I didn't yet commit this crime, although lately, I've sure been considering it when I gas up at the pumps.

"But gas prices have gone way down" you say. Well, I'm here to inform you that that isn't the case here in Denver, or virtually anywhere on the west coast. A few months back, gas hit a tad over $3 a gallon for regular unleaded. It was about that back in Nebraska too if I'm not mistaken. Now, the average price for gas in Washington County, NE is $2.19 per gallon. It's a smidge more where I was raised in Thayer County, NE at $2.21 per gallon. There's even a county in Iowa where gas is now at $1.91 a gallon. What is the average price per gallon here in Denver you ask?
$2.51 per gallon.
You can see why I'm a tad angered at this. The government says that we should be happy and that they've done what we've asked and got the gas prices down. That's true for a lot of folks, but we here on the west side of the country have had to put up with meager drops in gas prices while all of you fucks back east get your gas costs cut by 1/3.

By the way, this is the website where I get my gas info from:
http://www.gasbuddy.com/gb_gastemperaturemap.aspx
Look at that map and explain to me how and why the gas prices shoot up when you leave the midwest. I just don't fuckin' understand it.

I take this time to give a shout out to a few of the corporations and companies that can fuck off:
BP Amoco ARCO
Chevron
ConocoPhillips
ExxonMobil
Shell International
Texaco
There are about 300 more, but these get the salute first because they control/supply the majority of gas stations in the Denver area.

Time for the DVD releases for today. This actually is a nice transition from my gas rant, because I believe DVDs are a plastic-based product. And you can't have plastics without crude oil!

G. I. Joe Sigma 6: First Strike - I'm one of the biggest G.I. Joe fans you'll ever know, and even I hate this show. It's a flaming pile of shit.
Glass House: The Good Mother - A sequel to The Glass House? What?! Who the fuck asked for this?
Greatest American Hero: The Complete Series - Limited Collector's Edition - In this case, I'm the one who asked for this.
The Little Mermaid (2-Disc Special Edition) - I'll only be buying this to make Samantha happy.
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels: Locked 'N Loaded Director's Cut - Unrated - A director's cut eh? Very interesting.
Planet of the Apes: The TV Series - IT'S A MADHOUSE!! A MADHOUSE!!!!!! Sorry, but I had to do that even though Heston isn't in this.
Stargate SG-1: The Complete Ninth Season - Sir, the gate's opening. It looks like crap is coming through.
Thank You for Smoking (Widescreen) - I've heard good things about this.
X-Men: The Last Stand (Collector's Edition) - WOOT!! Oh how I've been waiting for this. For all of you naysayers who claim this to be a bad film: You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Piss off and die.

In a few days, I'll give you my thoughts on the horror movie The Descent.

This ride has come to an end. Please watch your step while you get the hell out.

Titles are for sissies

2006-09-28T09:53:00.000-06:00

I know I haven't posted here in a week. I apologize to all the people who eagery look forward to my regular postings each Monday. I let you down and I'm truly sorry.

Actually, I'm not sorry at all. This is just a blog, and if you look forward to this one specifically out of the thousands avaiable, you have serious issues.

Let me start off with something very important: Beer. Tomorrow night I'll be attending the Great American Beer Festival here in Denver for the third year. This truly is an event to behold for any of those out there like myself who enjoy a good beer every now and then. Or everyday. This is, according to the GABF website, the largest selection of American beers ever gathered together in the United States. The best thing about the whole thing for me is that I get in free due to certain "connections" I have in the industry. Admission for this event is normally $50. In addition to getting in free, I get to use the employee/volunteer entrance meaning I don't have to stand in line like all the other poor fuckers who had to pay for their tickets. 1600 beers for me to try free of charge. Another plus that I feel like I need to mention: There are quite a lot of 21 year old partially-inebriated women at the GABF. A lot of these women are quite good looking. Sure, I'm engaged to a near perfect woman, but I don't mind being surrounded by countless bueatiful women from time to time. I can at least appreciate this opportunity. Plus, Samantha won't be there to tell me I can't look at these women since she's allergic to beer. What a shame. What a shame.

Seriously thouh, if you're ever in Denver around the end of September and you really like beer, attending the GABF would be worth your time. Even at $50, it's not a bad deal considering all the beer to be sampled.

Time to move on to something almost as important as beer: Television. Every year, at this time, we're treated to a bunch of new television shows. Some are good, and some blow ass. Jericho is one of the new shows that's actually quite good. However, I must rant about it just a little bit. It's suppossed to take place in Kansas. Keep that in mind. The general story is that the residents of this Kansas town, named Jericho, are cut-off from the rest of the world when a mushroom cloud appears over Denver. The view of the mushroom cloud is quite spectacular from Jericho. The residents look over the plans and see the Rocky Mountains with the mushroom cloud blossoming into the sky from behind the mountains. There are 2 problems with this:
1. Anyone who is even remotely familiar with Kansas and Colorado know that you can't see the Rocky Mountains from anywhere in Kansas. You're just too damn far away. You have to drive an hour into Colorado before the mountains are visable. You would have to be 30 minutes to an hour outside of Denver before the mountains would look as they did from Jericho.
2. The mushroom cloud appeared as though it came from behind the Rocky Mountains. Denver is on the Eastern slope of the Rockies you ignorant fucks. The mushroom cloud should be in front of the mountains from the Kansas perspective.
Now I don't mind a bit of un-realism in television. Sometimes, due to shooting constraints, locations have to be shot elsewhere, etc. But this is just a dumb ass oversight that no one thought to verify or correct. Take the show Jerimiah, which ran for 2 seasons on Showtime. It was another post-apocalyptic type show. It kinda sucked, but I digress. In Jerimiah, the main character, aptly named Jerimiah, had to go to the Denver Public Library. The building filmed wasn't the actual Denver Public Library, in fact, it looked nothing like it. However, the producers of the show took time to at least get certain facts right, like the location. Jerimiah mentioned that the library could be found at 14th and Colfax. That's exactly where it is. If you need a point of reference, while in Denver, Bob's mom can be found on the corner of 9th and Colfax. My point is simple. When filming a show, at least try your best to get as many things right as you can.

So normally I would have reviewed the DVD releases for this week a few days ago, but there really wasn't much released of note. However, because some of you depend on it, I'll lump a few releases into two categories for you.

DVDs probably worth buying provided you don't already own them: Dracula: 75th Anniversary Legacy Edition, Frankenstein: 75th Anniversary Legacy Edition, A Nightmare on Elm Street (Infinifilm), The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (2-Disc Ultimate Edition - 1973), Voltron: Defender of the Universe (Collector's Edition)

DVDs you never want to buy because the films/shows contained on them suck dick: Curious George, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, The Lake House, Save the Last Dance (Special Collector's Edition), Thunder in Paradise Collection.

Beowulf and Grendel was also released. I'm not sure where to put this one because I haven't seen it. I've been waiting for a good Beowulf movie for quite some time, and according to a number of reviews, this may be a pretty good attempt. One thing is for certain: Stay the hell away from the 1999 version of Beowulf staring Christopher Lambert. It isn't bad for a cheap movie, but's it isn't worthy of the epic poem it's based on.

That's it for now. If you don't like it, shove it up your pooper.

Sunday Drive

2006-09-21T17:00:00.000-06:00

I was driving to work today, as I normally do since I can’t afford to pay anyone to drive me. The morning show that’s on when I’m headed to work made some sacrilegious joke about the 2nd coming of Jesus Christ. I laughed. After laughing, I got to thinking, if Jesus Christ really did return to Earth now, what would he drive?

He’d have to drive. It’s not like the good old days when you slap on a new pair of lamb-hide sandals and trot to wherever you’re headed. Jesus would definitely need a motor vehicle to get around these days. That is, unless Jesus Christ can also fly as well as walk on water. If that’s the case, then he obviously wouldn’t need a car.

Let’s assume that he can’t fly. Being that Jesus is the son of God, money really wouldn’t be an issue. Jesus could afford any vehicle that suits his needs. The Pope has his pimped-out , bullet-proof Popemobile, and he’s not near as rich as Jesus. Jesus has gots the Benjamins. What you have to ask is: What kind of factors would go into Jesus’ decision as he’s walking through the car dealer’s lot?

Is Jesus humble? If he is indeed still humble after all these years, he’d probably go for a Kia Spectra, or a similar small car with little to no leg room and a trunk large enough to comfortably fit a box of Handi-Wipes for when those pesky wrist stigmata start to seep. Of course, a small car like this would also be good on gas mileage, and if Jesus is humble, then he’d logically also be concerned about such things as the environment.

Maybe Jesus isn’t so humble anyone. Maybe he just wants to make a statement and bring attention to the fact that he’s back, and righteous like never before. In this case, He’d probably go with something big and flashy. Maybe a pearl white Cadillac Escalade with gold chrome accents? Oh, he’d be rollin’ in style then. Gas mileage really wouldn’t be an issue. I mean, if he can turn water into wine, then turning water into Premium Unleaded shouldn’t be a problem.

Maybe practicality is the issue. Maybe Jesus wants to do humanitarian works while here on Earth again, like building houses for the homeless, or driving little old ladies to the doctor’s office. A Ford F-150 would be perfect for him. The bed of an F-150 is perfect to toss building supplies, or little old ladies, into for hauling around where needed. Personally, he may want a truck just in case he’s made to carry a large cross up another steep hill before getting crucified on said cross. I mean, there’s no need to do more work than you have to. He’s learned from the past.

Maybe a four-wheeled vehicle is too much for him. Maybe a motorcycle would be best for J.C. He could grab a Harley, some leather chaps and a nice jacket, and be on his way to bless the masses in style. Of course, he’d want to buy a helmet too. Safety first. It would suck if Jesus took a spill and dashed his brains across 2 lanes of Interstate asphalt while on his way to rid an orphan of cancer.

No, I take that back. A motorcycle wouldn’t work for Jesus at all. If Jesus was confined to operate solely in Miami, Florida it wouldn’t be a problem, but the man is going to have to travel quite a lot. He’ll be driving all over the world in many different climates. A motorcycle just wouldn’t do Jesus justice in the middle of a Russian winter. He’ll never be driving in France or Mexico however, since God officially disowned those countries, and the people therein, about 14 years ago. New Mexico is still cool with God though, but just barely.

An ambulance might fit Jesus perfectly. Replace the large red cross with a regular cross, but leave the lights and sirens. Jesus would use those to quickly make his way to “spiritual emergencies” or to the Old Country Buffet on steak and shrimp night. An ambulance just screams “heal,” and by God, that’s what Jesus is all about.

Then again, Jesus does look like a hippie, so maybe he’d go with a Volkswagon mini-bus, or a full-size school bus for that matter. You see religious folk all the time driving around in an old school bus with crosses and pro-Jesus slogans slathered on the side. I don’t see this as the best choice for Jesus though. Sure, he may look like a hippie, but if Jesus taught us one thing, it’s that judging people is wrong, and stereotyping people based on appearance is judging. His life story also taught us that it’s cool to give a newborn baby incense from Ethiopia, so not everything transfers into modern-day life so well.

A motorcycle also wouldn’t work because, like the Pope, Jesus needs some protection. There would surely be some crazie out there who thinks it’d be a good idea to cap Christ. Now, Jesus could go to the same dealership that the Pope goes to and pick himself up a fancy golf cart, but I’m thinking that Jesus wants a little more speed than that.

Jesus could go with a sports car, complete with a spoiler made out of the same material that makes up those nasty paper-thin Communion wafers, but I don’t think J.C. would spend that much money simply for speed. Maybe after 40 or so good years without being nailed to a cross for the sins of mankind will give him a reason to splurge

My final vehicle idea would be a hearse. I mean, there is that whole “rising from the dead and resurrection” aspect to him. Plus, if he does happen to get nailed to a cross and speared in the chest again, he can drive himself to the cemetery.

Alright, it’s time for me to go to Hell now.

It's almost Monday

2006-09-17T23:38:00.000-06:00

I'm starting this post a bit early. It's due mainly because I'm bored.

I'm watching the show Cops now. I love this show. It's always fun to see a fat guy get tazed or a drunken bar bitch get clocked with a nightstick. I'm sorry, I guess they're called "batons" nowadays. Sometimes though, I don't understand some of the things these police officers say. For instance, a cop said "Did you know it's illegal to trade dope for a motor vehicle?" No shit. If it's illegal to own, sell, or produce meth, then does there even need to be a law against using it as currency?

If a cop finds a guy who intends to sell bags of powdered sugar as cocaine, how can they charge him with "Posession of a conterfiet controlled substance." It's fuckin' powdered sugar! I know that he intended to sell it as drugs, but it wasn't drugs!! It isn't the guy's fault that some dumbass would be willing to pay him for a tiny bag of powdered sugar. I just can't see that as a legal thing to charge someone with.

Well, I'm the last person who should question anything's legality, what with the multiple laws I've broken over the years.

I'm no good at transitions, so here are the DVD releases for Tuesday:

Battlestar Galactica: Season 2.5 - This is the best show I've seen in a while. I still can't believe that this is a sci-fi channel production, cause they produce some real filth.
The Boris Karloff Collection - It's always good to see classic movies released. With the mass of crap released every week, it's nice to have the classics too. Although, these could be shitty movies too!
He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: Season 2 Volume 2 - Joke all you want, cause you know that when all is said and done, you'll own this.
My Name is Earl: the Complete First Season - This is one of the few shows on nBC i can stand. It's pretty funny, but I don't think it's worth buying.
Stay Alive - Maybe half of the people who saw this in theatres will buy this. So, maybe 6 people.
The Unit: Season 1 - I've heard this was a pretty good show. Maybe I'll rent it.

That's about it. Battlestar Galactica easily makes up for the lack of anything else really good.

Thanks for nothing asshole

2006-09-16T18:03:00.000-06:00

I like it when the people in "the know" answer questions for us ignorant peons yearning for the truth.

Now, I may be one of the only 7 or 8 people in the world who liked the 1st Hulk film. Yeah, it had some problems, but Ang Lee tried to make a complex film with many levels. It wasn't just a one-dimensional action film. And maybe that's why it failed. Maybe it was too complex. However, Louis Leterrier, who has directed the Transporter films and Unleashed, has been attached to direct The Incredible Hulk, despite the 1st film's failures. I liked the Transporter. The 2nd one kinda sucked. And, I was completely surprised by Unleashed. It was much better than I expected and I plan to someday add it to my DVD collection.

So, let's get back to my original statement. I like it when the big shots take time to answer questions. Jesse Falcon, a bigwig with ToyBiz, answers questions on Marvel Legends toys every other day on one of the message boards. he doesn't have to, but he takes the time to answer our questions anyway. Superhero Hype got a chance to interview Louis Leterrier about The Incredible Hulk film, and instead of linking you to it, I'll just paste it here:

Q: Can you confirm the method for which the Hulk will be presented?
We're studying every method and we'll pick the best method for every shot. It's important to make the Hulk tactile in this one. As an audience member I love to be confused and not know if it's CGI, animatronic, make-up (loved Davy Jones in Pirates... all CG!!!).

Q: Can you confirm if Dominic Purcell is in talks for a role in your movie, and possibly what role that is.
Let me show you something...

ITW: Hello Louis Leterrier.
LL: Hi.
ITW: I hear you've been asked to direct Indiana Jones 4.
LL: Huh...
ITW: INDY, you're so lucky!!!
LL: Huh, well, I love these films but...
ITW:That's going to be amazing. Good luck"

... and a day later every one says that LL is directing the next Indy.
Listen to Dominic Purcell's interview again.

Q: Will you get Statham a role in this film if not Abomination perhaps someone in the military.
He's Betty...

Q: We know the budget is not over 180 million per the terms of the merril deal but do you have an estimate yet? Zak said it was quite a bit.
It's enough. Listen, I made Transporter 1 for 17M$, Unleashed for 20M$ and Transporter 2 for 22M$ (this one could have used a couple of extra bucks, sorry about some of the vfx's). I'm used to small budgets. This one's very big in Hollywood standards and huge compared to my first films. I'm going to put every penny on screen.

Q: Is Bana officially eliminated from contention or is he still a possibility?
He's not out.

Q: How far are we away from a casting announcement and a release date?
Nothing's set.

Q: Is this a sequel or not? There has been alot of confusion over this. Sometimes yes, and other times no.
It's a hard question to answer. You have to be the judge of that when you see the film.

Q: Is Lou Ferrigno really in the running to voice Hulk? (I hope not)
I've only met Lou once and I was star-struck. Who do you think should do the voice?

Q: Avi & Zak have said they liked the action in the first film (desert battle), do you also share this opinion? And plan to live upto/top it?
There's only one way out of this one and it's up...

Q: Ang sometimes used interesting wipes to go between shots, although you don't need to, will you slip a few in during editing for people like me that loved that?
Too early to say.

Q: Was the distancing from the first movie (even as a sequel) at Comic-Con more of a way of getting attention of those that were dissatisfied with the first film rather than condemnation of the first film itself?
I like the first film. I just think I'm a maggot compared to Ang Lee. I'm not going to try to copy him, it would be an enormous failure. I'm going to do my version of a Hulk film. There's a lot of me in Unleashed. If you liked this film, you'll like our Hulk.

Q: Will you also be checking out Ultimate Fighter matches to get a feel for the influence on Hulk's fighting style in the first film (assuming you aren't familiar with that already)? Or will there be no consistency in this regard? Speaking of consistency, will there be any?
I'll surround myself with the best fight choreographers. It's going to be special.

Q: Has there been any talk of doing an online video blog from behind scenes of the film as many movies are doing these days
I don't know. I'm not very photogenic.

Q: Has there been talk on where this will be filmed (U.S., Canada etc)?
Too early to say.

Q: Are you focused on casting an unknown or well known actor for Abomination? Or are you open to either?
Open to both.

Q: If there is some sense of continuity between films is there a chance will Harper return (even if it's just a cameo)? Are you expecting rewrites for Zak's first treatment?
Zak's turning in the best screenplay I ever read. I'm serious.

Thats it. Like the title of this posting says, thanks for nothing asshole. You didn't answer shit! If you're going to take the time to answer fan's questions, then answer the goddamn questions. What a waste of time. And what was the point of Superhero Hype even listing this as a story?

There's a difference btween holding some info back to maintain some secrecy about the product, but Louis doen't even have any info to give in the first place.

I'll just award him the
Stupid Motherfucker of the Week Award

And I'll leave you with that. I'll be back with you on Monday though, so hold back your tears.

Nebraska Jobs, Dana, and Bitchery

2006-09-14T13:34:00.000-06:00

People say the economy is doing pretty good right now. People say that things are looking up after unemployment shot up a few years ago. Those people can try to find a job in Nebraska. About 3 years ago, I had a horrible time finding employment around Blair and Omaha. Even with a college education, I was searching for a job for almost 2 months before APAC threw me a bone. I only took that job because nothing else was available and I needed to pay rent. I hated APAC. I absolutely hated it. When I moved here to Denver, I found a job in 3 days, and I really didn’t look that hard.

Now, even though the economy is supposedly so much better, I know people back in Blair who are having the same problems I had. They have degrees from Dana, yet can only find shit jobs. I’m not saying it’s the Dana part of the degree that holds them back. What I’m saying is that all of these “experts” talking about the economy need to take a closer look at the rural parts of this country to see what’s really happening to a lot of people. My buddy Andy has a degree, and he has writing talent, a lot of talent. I enjoy writing, and I’m not too shabby at it, but Andy is on a whole different level. Andy is actually on a level above some of today’s popular best-selling authors, if you ask me. He looked for a month or two before taking a job at a AAA call center, much like APAC. A shit job for sure. Since then, he’s gotten a job at a Mutual of Omaha call center. So, a slightly better job with better pay. He likes it more. However, a college grad shouldn’t be sitting behind a desk taking calls when there’s so much untapped potential.

Take my ex-roommate William as another example. Sure, William isn’t the most favored person by some, and I completely understand those criticisms. However, he got his degree easily, not like some athletes who squeak by with Cs, and he’s worked in the Dana college library as an employee, not a work-study student, for at least 3 years. Also, he’s pretty good with computers. He thinks he knows more than he does, but nonetheless, he isn’t too shabby with them. He shouldn’t have trouble finding a job either, but after Dana fired a bunch of people, including William, he looked for over 2 moths for a job that meshed with his prior work experiences. He too got shafted. He just took on a job as a janitor at the Fort Calhoun nuclear plant because the job market sucks so much. A college degree, and he’s a janitor.

Andy, and his future wife Danielle, are considering moving out to Denver so that she can pursue her further education at DU. I certainly hope they do move here. Sure, not only would I have a good friend here in Denver to chum around with, but he’d have much better luck in finding a job that suits him. Same with William. Not that I’d necessarily want William in the same city as me, but he needs to either get more education, such as a Master’s Degree, or move to a place where he can use the degree he has. I love Nebraska. It’s where I was born and raised. But it’s just not a good place for jobs right now, and I’m glad I’m not living there now, wasting my life at APAC or some other god-forsaken shitbox.

This little topic leads me into another little rant I have, also dealing with jobs. Every so often, I get one of these newsletter things from Dana that list updates on Alumni such as marriages or new jobs. I can’t read these updates anymore without becoming pissed-off. I really enjoyed my field of study while at Dana. I enjoy the Communication field and I thoroughly enjoyed my many years on KDCV. I maybe wasn’t the best D.J., but I had fun and I did actually run the station for a year. Some may say I made some managerial mistakes, but I honestly feel that the station was a better place when I left it then when I came on as Ops Manager. So, I look at these updates and see alumni who were also in the communication field who land these awesome jobs. What pisses me off is that half of these people didn’t do jack shit at Dana. These people got the same degree as I did, but did half as much, or did it all, but did a shitty job. Some bitch, who shall remain nameless, got some high paying job in a television or radio station, yet while she was working for me at the radio station, she did nothing. I mean absolutely fucking nothing. She was given a number of small tasks and in the entire year, zero of tasks got done. She was paid like $85 a month to basically just hold the title. I see these athletes who graduated with me get good jobs, yet while at Dana, they barely survived the easiest courses offered. I’m not saying that my job now is bad, but I’ve worked my ass off, and am going for my Master’s Degree, to get this job and work towards something better. These Dana shitheads I refer to get these good jobs with no sacrifice whatsoever.

And as far as Dana goes, I have one more thing to complain about. Fuck You Vern. That’s right Vern, Fuck Off. As I said, I was KDCV manager for a year. During that year, I, and my staff who actually did something, proposed a bunch of things to better the station. Pretty much every idea was shot down by McComb because she said it wasn’t possible. One of those items was streaming KDCV over the internet. William, as Ops Manager, proposed that to Vern the next year and was also shot down. Now I’m not saying that KDCV was ready for internet streaming at that time. KDCV had it’s problems, and it was probably best that we didn’t stream at that time. However, in one of those lovely Dana newsletters I got 1 year after I graduated, I saw a story on KDCV. This story was pretty much a big ass-kissing festival glorifying Vern and the Ops Manager at the time. Now I can’t remember the guy’s name, but when I was at Dana, he showed absolutely NO interest in KDCV. He showed up at one meeting at the beginning of a year, then failed to do anything else from then on. Now all of a sudden, KDCV not only interests him, but acts as his personal crusade of excellence.

Vern said in the story that internet streaming was now in effect due to his, and the current Ops Manager, work based of THEIR idea to stream. Vern said that thanks to this new Ops Manager and his progressive thinking and outlook, that streaming was made possible. Well piss off and die you dirty bastard. I’m not saying that William and I did all the work, but we worked towards this goal for 2 years, and made KDCV to what is was when this new Ops manager comes in. We worked towards it and were shot down every goddamn time. The minute I graduate, Vern and the fuck-mook take credit for everything. Sure, Vern knows what he’s doing, but he also knows how to shaft a person as well. All he had to say was “Thanks to our current Ops Manger Jimmy Fuckass, and the efforts made over the last few years by other students, streaming audio is now possible.” That would have been just fine. Yeah, Dana can’t give me credit in the least, but they can still throw my picture up on Dana’s Campus Life webpage to advertise KDCV. Yeah, that’s right bitches, that’s me sitting there at the mic. That’s when I came in for 2 ½ hours on my off time for that little photo shoot. Where the fuck were you Vern? Probably had your hand up some poor dummy’s ass.

And the station name. That part of this little story pissed me off to. When I was introduced to the station, it had the name "The Jam." Personally, I've always thought that was a stupid ass name. Everytime I hear that name, I picture Bananarama dancing around the stage in neon tights. When I became Ops Manger, I asked all the staff and deejays at a meeting if they wanted a different name. All but 2 people said yes. I then asked for suggestions. Of all the suggestions, Nowhere Radio was the most liked by everyone there. Now, I can understand where Alumni or faculty wouldn't care for that name. However, it was voted upon and it pushed the outdated "Jam" out of the way. In this story, Vern goes on the say that the station is now back to "The Jam" after a short time as "Nowhere Radio." He then went on to make a snide comment about the name "Nowhere Radio." Fuck you again Vern. You weren't working there when it was changed. You never asked me why it was changed. You didn't bring it to my attention that this name bothered you. However, the minute that the people who voted on it leave Dana, you and the admin change it, and then insult it? At least we tried to be a bit progressive in how we dealt with the station. Change can be a bad thing, but it can be a good thing too if given the chance. But fine Vern, be that way. One thing is for sure, and that's if Dana ever asks me for money, they're not getting it, simply because this little article pissed me off. It was bad journalism, and the only point of it was to make the current faculty/staff seem like Gods.

I'm not saying that I was the best thing that ever happened to KDCV. I'm just saying that the guy the comes in as Ops Manager after William and I didn't give a flying fuck about KDCV before he took it over, and all of a sudden he's the best thing that's ever happened to it. KDCV has been made better by every staff member, deejay, and listener who's taken the time to try to make KDCV better. According to Vern, if it wasn't for him and this shitheel ops manager, the KDCV station wouldn't even have electricity.

Now I feel a lot better. Now get offa’ my porch ‘fore I get the shotgun!

I seem to be missing something...

2006-09-11T21:06:00.000-06:00

Today is September 11th. For some reason, that day seems to mean something, but for the life of me, I can't remember what.

Maybe it will come to me a little later.

So normally I'd talk about something right now, but i'm bored and tired and I really don't have anything to say. So I'll just move to the DVD releases for tomorrow:

Beavis and Butt-head Do America - The Special Edition release of this movie is upon us. It's not as good as the television show, but it's still good for a laugh or two.
Cameron Diaz Collection: I think this woman acts about as well as a board with a rusty nail through it acts as Hamlet.
Diagnosos Murder: The Complete 1st Season - Dick VanDyke is the man. I wish he were my doctor. Even so, I'm not buying this set.
Lucky Number Slevin - I really have no idea if this film is good or bad. See it for me and tell me what you think.
Smallville: The Complete Fifth Season - Had I watched seasons 1 through 4, I might care about this season.
Star Wars IV,V,VI - Yeah, the regular releases. The ones that nerdish fanboys have been clamoring for since the dawn of time. I told Samantha not to buy the releases last year. Did she listen to me? No!!!!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Season 4 - The 4th season of the new show, not the old one. After the 4th season, this show turns into the craptacular TMNT Fast Forward that just begun.

Oh that's it!!! September 11, 2001! That was the day that Moby turned 36! Happy Birthday Moby!

That's it. Get outta here 'fore I beat your punk-ass!

Oh please God, say it isn't so

2006-09-07T15:10:00.000-06:00

I've said before how much I hate pointless movie sequels. MGM has just released a list of five sequels they're planning. Let me run down this list for you real quick:

Legally Blonde 3 - Like the first two didn't suck enough ballsack. Now we'll all have to put up with more of this shit.

Cutting Edge 3 - The 2nd one was direct-to-video for crying out loud. This one will hopefully be direct-to-dumpster.

Into the Blue 2 - Yeah, Jessica Alba is one hot bee-yotch, but Into the Blue was a pretty dumb flick. It doesn't warrant a sequel, and chances are this one will have a totally different cast anyways, so who cares?

Species 4 - The 3rd one never made it to the theatres, primarily because it was a POS. I think the 3rd one was actually produced by the Sci-Fi Channel, and we all know how good their films are. I mean, look at Boa vs. Python or S.S. Doomtrooper for examples of how not to make a movie.

And the 5th film MGM is planning is actually one I don't mind being made. Although I can't really see why they decided to make this over 20 years after the 1st film:

WarGames 2 - This movie will center around what happens when the powers that be try to dismantle the computer. I at least hope they bring back Matthew Broderick. Sure, his character won't be the kid who almost kills the world anymore, but I hope they somehow work him in. Maybe the computer won't be satisfies until it plays one last game with him.

Alright, I'm done. I just had to get that, and Bob's mom, off my chest. She's one large woman.

Labor Day goodness

2006-09-04T14:56:00.000-06:00

Not "Labour" like those British wankers like to spell it.

Today is good because I don't have to work. Yesterday was good for several reasons. First of all, I found a bunch of new toys I've been looking for, including Marvel Legends series 14. I think I'm probably one of the first people in Denver to own those bad boys. Secondly, I found one more place, the second so far, in Denver that sells delicious Jolt Cola.

Today isn't quite as good as yesterday, partially because Samantha is watching a Dark Angel marathon on sci-fi channel. Sure, Jessica Alba is hot, but that show was a piece of shit. So naturally, Samantha likes it, meaning I've got to sit here and listen to it for hours on end.

Also, I have to listen to Samantha bitch about Shampoo. That's right, shampoo. They discontinued her favorite shampoo and conditioner and replaced it with another formula or scent that she hates. I can kinda see where she's coming from. I mean, they placed these little stickers on the old stuff that said "New packaging coming soon", or something like that. It mentioned nothing about the shampoos themselves being any different. Also, at her job, she works with lab mice, and changes in scents can stress the mice out and they'll eat their yong and all if they're stressed out. So, her change in shampoo could actually affect her job. Interesting isn't it? Of course, being the loving boyfriend I am, I've been looking everywhere for the shit. One place out of 20 had a few bottles of conditioner left.

Well, I'll review the DVDs being released tomorrrow before I head out to look for more toys, and more shampoo.

ALF: Season Four - Nah. I'll pass.
Brazil (Criterion Collection) - An odd movie, but I like it nonetheless.
The Complete Toxic Avenger - I never really saw the mass appeal that ol' Toxie has had over the years. Yeah, I saw all of the films and they were ok, but is anything produced by Troma really any good?
Jackass: The Movie: Special Edition: Unrated - I have to say that when this film came out, I had no plans to see it. However, after actually watching it on DVD, I'll admit I laughed my ass off at times.
Lost: The Complete Second Season - If you haven't seen this show yet and want to see it, rent the 1st and secomd seasons before even attempting to start watching the new season on ABC. Even after watching them in order, you still won't know what the fuck is going on, but it's a fun ride.
Supernatural: The Complete First Season - I've heard that a number of people like this show. I don't because I've never seen it. I don't really plan to unless I have a lot of free time to waste.
United 93 - Maybe this movie is good, maybe not. I just don't care to see it. I know what happened on September 11th. I know it was a horrible day. But really, I just don't give a rat's ass if I ever see this movie.

That's it.

No really, that's it. Get the fuck off my blog now.

Now that's just Chinese.

2006-09-01T11:01:00.000-06:00

There's this woman who comes into our library every couple of days to check her e-mail and so forth. She also has this annoying habit of talking on her cell phone. Not only is it common sense not to talk on a cell phone in a library, but there are signs telling her it isn't allowed. So, you'd think that when a co-worker of mine asked her to take the conversation outside, she would. Instead, she just lowered her voice for a minute or two to end the conversation.

This woman's other problem is that she's computer illiterate AND she's great at stereotyping. She called me over to help her view a picture attachment from her e-mail. She was on a Mac. Now, I'm pretty damn good with computers, but I'm better with PCs than Macs. I tried the obvious applications like iPhoto and so forth, but I couldn't get the photo open. She then gave me this wonderful advice: "It's an Oriental thing. You should ask one of the Asian people when they come in. They'll know you how to do it."

Great advice. I never though about asking an Asian person, since every person of Asian descent knows everything about computers. How stupid of me not to see that before. When I ask the next Asian person who comes in how to do it, based strictly on their race, I'll also ask him or her the correct procedure to produce rice paper and how to make a bitchin' kung pao sauce for chicken.

I'll ask the next Native American who comes in to do a rain dance. I've always wanted to see an authentic rain dance.

Or maybe the entire problem with the photo situation was the computer itself, and not the technical superiority of an Asian over my stupid American brain. That Mac is at least 3 years old. Up until last week, we had 2 of those Macs, but the motherboard on one of them crapped out completely. That tells you how old they are, since Macs are built pretty damn good.

Next time I see that woman in my library, I'll pay the closest black guy I see to pop a cap in her ass, since all black people are gang members and thieves. Everyone knows that.

Behold me

2006-08-29T09:47:00.000-06:00

Some people use their blog to update people on the happenings of their life. Unfortunately, nothing ever really happens in my life that would be exciting enough to post. It’s not that I have a boring life. It’s just that I’m the type of person who doesn’t feel the need to “open up” to everyone about what I’m going through and dealing with. If I were going through horrible personal trauma or something, it would be a lot easier I guess. But, as it stands now, my life is pretty good. I’m not saying that you all can’t tell me about what’s happening to you. Continue to whine and bitch about your pathetic lives all you want. I’ll keep reading, and I’ll keep laughing inside at your misfortunes.

Fine, I’ll give you a quick update on me before I move on to the bitching of trivial matters. I am planning on making a trip back to Nebraska in a few months for all 2 of you who give a shit. Not that I blame you at all for not caring. If I were you, I wouldn’t care about me either. I plan to be in Nebraska for about a week, but the time I have set aside to visit friends is quite short. I plan to spend at least 2 days with the parents, which leaves 5 days left. Subtract the 2 days I plan to spend with Bob’s whore of a mother, and that only leaves 3 days to split between all of my friends. It’ll be tough, but I’ll make it work. What else should I update you all on? Oh yeah, I got one of my grades for last quarter’s worth of classes. That right bitches, another A. I have a better GPA in my Master’s Degree classes than I ever had a Dana, and I’ve done less work than I ever did at Dana. This Master’s Degree program, while expensive, is as easy as Bob’s mom after a shot of Jager. I’m not saying the subjects themselves or what I have to learn is easy, but as far as homework goes, there really isn’t any. A few papers to write here and there, but other than that, it’s a walk in the park. Add to that the fact I don’t have to write a thesis to get this Master’s Degree and I’m quite thrilled. It isn’t that I couldn’t write a thesis, it’s just that all the preparation that goes into writing something that large takes a lot of preparation and time. I absolutely hate the prep work.

Are there any other updates of interest? Oh yeah, one very important one actually. After being engaged for over a year, Sam and I have finally set a wedding date. The date is: July 12, 2008. 2008 you say? Why so late you say? Well, we figured since a wedding takes a lot of planning, we’d want ample time to do so. Plus, I want to actually finish that easy MLIS degree first and that should take another year. The wedding will be here in Denver, despite Sam’s parents goading us to have the wedding in California. I’m not going to have my poor friends travel all the way to CA to be in the wedding. I honestly don’t mean anything bad by saying that my friends are poor, it’s just that most of them have blue collar jobs and the one’s that do have better paying jobs, still don’t get paid much. They’re getting Nebraska wages, and that ain’t going to cover the cost of travel to CA and a place to stay. At least here in Denver, it’s a shorter travel distance and it’s easier for me to find places for people to stay.

Enough of me. On to the
Stupid MotherFucker of the Week Award
This week’s award goes to Novartis Consumer Health Inc. Yes, a large pharmaceutical company is indeed eligible to win this. Novartis wins because of their deceitful trickery of the consumer base, including myself. You see, I suffer from migraine headaches, though not very often. Maybe I’ll get a migraine twice a year, but when I get one, oh it’s bad. Bad enough that not only does my head feel like it’s going to explode, but I feel like I’m going to puke AND my left arm usually goes completely numb. I don’t wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy. Actually, I do. That’s right, Fuck You Ayn! I hope you have 2 migraines at the same fuckin’ time you dirty Whore!!! Anyway, back to Novartis. So, the last time I had a migraine, I was headed towards home and I stopped by Wal-Mart to see what over-the-counter meds they might have for my problem, knowing that I was out of Imitrex. Imitrex being a prescription med for migraines. Over-the-counter medicines rarely work for migraine sufferers. If otc meds work for your migraines, then chances are you don’t have migraines you whiney S.O.B. Well, I see Excedrin meds on the shelf, produced by Novartis. Excedrin wouldn’t work. However, next to it, I see another Excedrin product, labeled: Excedrin Migraine. A glimmer of hope formed in my pain filled head. Long story short: The Excedrin Migraine didn’t work. Yesterday, I looked at bottles of both Excedrin and Excedrin Migraine and I found out that both products contain the EXACT SAME FUCKING INGREDIENTS, in EXACTLY THE SAME GODDAMNED AMOUNTS. Novartis can kiss my ass. They know their product won’t work for migraines, yet they don’t even have the decency to try and alter the formula so it does. They just slap another name on it and sell it to people who assume that the medicine will do what it says it does. Hey, don’t just take my word for it. Look at these information pages on the Excedrin website:
http://www.excedrin.com/products/es_pl.shtml
http://www.excedrin.com/products/migraine_pl.shtml
That’s some unethical business practices right there.

On to the DVD releases for today. I would have posted this yesterday, but I took a sick day from work and slept half the day away. Was I actually sick? My boss will never know the truth.

Akeelah and the Bee - I really don't care if I ever see this film. Sure, Roger Ebert gave it a thumb's up, but he also gives a truckload of Bostom Creme Pie a thumb's up. Fatass.
Arrested Development: Season Three - This is yet another example of a really funny show that Fox cancells because they can't look at the "big picture."
Brother Bear 2 - Another shitty Disney sequel that never should have been made. This is one time that I can see the value of poaching.
The Chuck Norris Collection - FUCK YEAH!! Stay tuned for some Chuck Norris facts later on in this very blog.
Darkwing Duck: Volume One - I watched this toon a lot as a wee little tot. All I have to say is: Let's Get Dangerous MotherFuckers!! I added the MotherFuckers part, but I think it sounds "edgey."
Karate Dog - Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh....yeaaaaaahhhhh. It's time this dog be put to sleep.
The Lord of the Rings: Limited Edition - This edition covers the release of all three films on DVD today. Each release has both the theatrical and extended versions of each film for under $20 a pop. Easily worth the purchase if you skipped out on buying the huge boxsets previously released.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection Vol. 10 - In the not too distant future, I'll buy this if I ever have the money. Unless that is, I use the spare money to make my robot friends. One or two nerds who actually watch this show will get that last sentence, the rest of you will forever be lost.
The Sentinel - This film seems like a re-hash of plots used over and over again, but with Keifer Sutherland in what seems to be a very 24-ish role, I'd still like to see it.
South Park: The Complete Eighth Season - Because I can't afford to buy this, I feel almost as poor as Kenny.
Stephen King's Desperation - If you're a die-hard Stephen King fan, then watch this. If not, you can pass. It isn't terribly bad, but it has it's problems, mainly acting. Wait for the recent Nightmares & Dreamscapes to be released on DVD if you want some Stephen King television done right.
Talespin: Volume One - Many of you will remember this as fondly as you remember Darkwing Duck. I never really got into this show though.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Volume 5 - The 5th, highly anticipated, volume of the classic toon released for my viewing pleasure. I'm way fucking behind on this. I still haven't bought Volumes 3 and 4.
The Tick vs. Season One - SPOOOOON!!!!! I've been waiting for this one for years and years. Finally, someone has enough intelligence to release this smart, and funny, adaptation of Ben Edlunds comic to the masses.
Will & Grace: Season Five - I've said it before, but I completely despise this show with every fiber of my being.

That's it. I know I said I'd leave you with Chuck Norris facts, but honestly, I'm suffering from indigestion right now and I don't feel like entertaining you chuckleheads any longer.

I'm gone like Bob's mom's pants at a frat party.

Fuck You Canada!

2006-08-24T12:34:00.000-06:00

That's right, I said it. Whatcha' gonna do about it Canada? That's right, nothing you pasty-faced poutine suckin freaks!

My anger is redirected partially towards Canada today because their postal service works about as well as the Pony Express would have worked without horses. I ordered some figures from a place in Toronto called Legends I think. Their price for the figures I wanted was quite reasonable, even with shipping. I ordered these on 8/16, and Legends promptly got my items to Canada Post the same day. When I go to Canada Post to view the tracking status, this is the latest update I get:

2006/08/16
18:17
MONTREAL, QC
Item accepted and entered into sortation plant

It's been in the sortation plant for 8 goddamned days?! It takes Canada Post 8 fuckin' days to look at a correctly addressed package and put it on a truck, train, or plane? UNNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!! How about you put your Molson down, turn the Hockey game off, get off your lazy asses, AND SHIP ME MY FUCKIN' TOYS!!!!

While I'm on the topic of toys being shipped to me, Fuck England too! A few posts ago, I ranted about the crippled sonofabitch who decided to screw me over a on a toy trade. Well, after I basically told the forums that he posts on that he is, in fact, a sonofabitch, he decides to trade with me after all. To refresh your memory, the toy I wanted was a MOC Absorbing Man from the Hulk Classics line. MOC means Mint On Card for your uneducated hacks. Now, Absorbing Man is one of those figures that's too expensive for me to afford to buy two, however, I do want one out of the package at some point. This handicapped fucker was sending me one in the package, which is worth a good $45. So, he sends me this figure, from England, AirMail. Oh, but here's the kicker: He sends it in a padded envelope. No, not a box that would protect it from the crushing methods used by international airmail, but a PADDED ENVELOPE. He was nice enough to write "Do Not Crush" and "Do Not Bend" and "Fragile" on the envelope. That doesn't help you stupid Jerk-Off. Those words don't "magically" stop other packages from shifting onto it during flight. Those words don't stop the sorting machines from tossing it around like a baby handled by a British nanny. Needless to say, the Absorbing Man was no longer "Mint On Card" when I got it. Sure, the figure was still in his crushed plactic bubble, but the bubble itself had completely detached itself from the card.

I'm sure glad I wanted one out of the package. It's not like I spent a shitload of money for the figure but I was expecting this one to be MOC. It's this man's idiocy that really pisses me off. You send a figure that's rare and highly sought after MOC in an envelope. As I said previously, he should be glad he's already in a wheelchair, otherwise I'd put him in one. He should also feel lucky that he traded with me and not someone else on the board as he was planning to do when he screwed me the first time, because anyome else would have expected this to be MOC and not accepted anything else, and then he really would have been fucked. I'll be sending him the figure he wants in trade in an envelope too. It works both ways assclown.

Alrighty then. I'm done bitching about shipping and am moving on to an pobservation I've made about a certain off-road vehicle. Some people say that you can tell a person by the car he or she drives. Well, I've discovered this is true with one type of vehicle in particular: The Nissan XTerra. I challenge you to be on the lookout for these vehicles and look at the drivers. My three observations on the XTerra are this:
1. Women primarily drive these vehicles.
2. The few men who drive XTerras are preppy tools.
3. Most of the women drivers, or passengers of the male drivers, are really fuckin' hot!
Go ahead and challenge this if you will, but I can almost garauntee that you'll observe the same results. If you see an XTerra, chances are there's a attractive woman behind the wheel. I've personally known several women who drive XTerras and they're all hot. Almost everytime I see an XTerra on the road, there's a hot chick driving it. Now, there are exceptions to this, naturally. The other day, I saw an old couple in an XTerra. However, they might have a really hot daughter. I saw a fat woman driving an XTerra once. She probably has a hot friend though. I believe in my observations and the trend so much that if I were looking through online personals for a hot date, and the woman says she drives an XTerra, I would set-up a date even if there was no pic of her posted. Like I said, keep an eye out and you'll see the trend too.

I'm bored with you. Go.

Ahhh Yeah Son! Ahhh Yeaaah!

2006-08-21T22:48:00.000-06:00

I have no idea what that subject line means. No idea whatsoever.

I would have posted today while at work, but I had to finish some homework for school that was due a week ago. I'm sure glad that even in a Master's Degree program, I can procrastinate with little regard to my near perfect GPA.

I honestly have little to talk about tonight. I'll probably post again in a few days.

However, I still have the ambition to give you the down-low on the DVDs being released in 36 minutes:

Blue Thunder: The Complete Series - I never saw any of this show, only the film it was based on. I can't say whether it's any good or not.
Conviction: The Complete Series - The whole series? What, like 4 episodes? No one gives a fuck.
House: Season Two - A good show, but not worth buying.
Invasion: The Complete First Season - You mean the complete ONLY season. Yeah, this show was cancelled too. I didn't watch it though, so it doesn't bother me at all.
Poseidon - You can't spell Poseidon without P.O.S.
Silent Hill - Sure, I heard bad things about this film, but I wanted to see it in the theatres and because I didn't, I want to see it now. RIGHT NOW!!
Threshold: The Complete Series - What is it today with the shitty canceled shows?! Like Invasion, this is another failed sci-fi show about aliens come to take over the world, or eat us, or whatever aliens do. If aliens ever do invade though, Bob's mom is going to be thrilled since she likes being probed in the ass.

That's it. I'm gone.

This is how I roll.

2006-08-18T10:47:00.000-06:00

I drive quite a lot. To go to work, to look for toys, etc. So, it's no wonder that I see quite a lot of interesting things while I'm out on the roads.

Take yesterday for instance.

I've heard that it's quite dangerous to talk on a cell phone while driving. I'm sure that this is true, but even so, there are times where even I talk on the phone while driving. However, I saw someone yesterday that had that beat. I actually saw a woman behind the wheel of an SUV yesterday that was curling her hair. She actually had a curling iron and was curling her hair while driving. And, her stereo was cranked all the way up, so in addition to not being able to actually hold on to the steering wheel, she also wouldn't be able to hear someone scream ans she plows over them in her ignorance. A FUCKING CURLING IRON.

At the same stop light, there's a hobo, or at least a guy acting like one, walking down the sidewalk asking for help from the motorists waiting for the green light. Personally, I've had it with these damn beggars on the streetcorners. I don't fucking care if you're homeless anymore. With gas at $3.00 per gallon, I'm lucky to be able to afford sitting at a red light with my engine running, let along giving you money for your wonderful artistic abilites to make a sign with only a Sharpie and a sheet of cardboard. This hobo yesterday walked up to my window and said this:
"Anything helps sir. Even a prayer. God is in my heart, he sure is. Even a prayer helps."
To which I responded:
"I'm sorry, praying for bums goes against my religion."
Am I an asshole? Really, am I an asshole for no longer wanting to put up with their shit? Am I an asshole for wanting to keep the money I've earned? When I worked at Mervyn's, I donated a little bit out of each check to the Denver Homeless Assistance program, or some organization with a similar name and purpose. I agree that homelessness is a huge problem these days. But the money I donated went to things like soup kitchens and the like. How about you go to one of those for a meal you stupid vagrant? If you really REALLY want help, there are places to help you. The streetcorner isn't one of them.

Also, parking lots aren't one of them either. I can't even say how many times I've been walking through a parking lot at a Wal-Mart or Target and had someone walk up and ask for change. They always give some excuse like, "I ran out of gas," or "My car broke down." I don't give a shit. If I'm shopping at a Wal-Mart, do you really think I have a lot of spare money just laying around?

Also yesterday, I saw another man with a sign. Sometimes, signs have a purpose. Some stand on the streetcorners and give their views about abortion. Some rally for new things to vote on in upcoming elections. Some are just crazy mother fuckers who shouldn't be outside in public. This man yesterday seemed to be a rather unkempt, unshaven man. He was standing on a corner with a big wooden sign that read:
"Kerry throws like a girl"
What the fuck does that even mean?!!? If you'd been out with that sign during the last election about 2 years ago, it may have been relevant. But even then, I still don't see what the fuck that means! Not only is it irrelevant, but it's not that PC in today's society. I was hoping a militant feminist would be drving by, see that, and chuck a glass bottle at his head with Nolan Ryan-like speed. Had that happened, I would have parked my truck, and personally walked over to him to laugh at him.

This morning, on the way to work, I see a bumber sticker that reads:
"A Man and his Truck: It's a Beautiful Thing."
Too bad this bumber sticker was on a 1986 Dodge Caravan. Stupid ass.

You know what else I find completely fuckin' assanine? When I see a shitty car and a driver that takes way too much pride with his shitty car. A rusted-out 1984 Monte Carlo with 3 different colors of paint does not need those shiny spinning rims. A Ford AstroVan with no muffler and the back bumper wired on doesn't deserve neon ground effects.

Hell, since I'm on the subject, I might as well bitch about Mexicans, or latinos, or whatever they want to be called. I see these trucks driving around all the time. They've been lowered and pimped-out and across the back window is this fancy script that reads "Tiajauna" or "Chihauhua" or some other piss-poor region in Mexico that their family hails from. If you're so damn proud of that place, then go back there. You don't see me rollin' around with "Ireland" stencilled out on my back window. You don't see Russian people driving around with bumper stickers that read: "Moscow: Represent Bitches!"

If you have any wonderful driving observations, feel free to make note of them in the comments section.

Another frackin' Monday

2006-08-14T09:52:00.000-06:00

Yeah, it's Monday, and once again, I feel as though I wasted a whole weekend. Sure, I got some more pegboard hung up in my toy room and I cleaned part of the apartment, but other then that, what did I do? Very little my friends.

Part of the pegboard job required an x-acto knife, so I figured since I'm buying one, I'll buy one of those nice ones with the locking blade and so forth. Of course, to open the damn thing, an x-acto knife really would have been helpfull.

I've been here at my current job for about a year and a half now. For the second time in that year and a half, I've had to deal with a patron who is mentally deficient enough to think we have movies in the library. This woman asked me 4 times in 50 seconds whether or not our library had any movies. Specifically, movies starring Whoopi Goldberg. This is the same thing she did over a year ago. This is a medical library you stupid hag. We're not going to have a copy of Sister Act sitting on the shelf next to Pulmonary Function Testing for your viewing pleasure. I told your stupid ass then that the public library would be the best option, and that's what I'm telling you today. If I ever see you enter these library doors again, I may just have to run you over with a book cart. Hell, let's make it official and dub thee:
Stupid MotherFucker of the Week

As an updat to last week's "In-Law Fiasco," I still haven't heard anything back from them after sending them the e-mail expressing my displeasure of their actions. This could mean several things. It could mean that they understand my point of view. However, I don't see that as being very likely. It's possible that they're angry at my "nerve" of standing up for what I believe in. That's much more likely. At least their mighty and wrathful God hasn't struck me down yet, so I don't think I'm doing too bad so far.

I'll continue this week's blog as I normally do, with the DVD releases for tomorrow.

3rd Rock From the Sun: Season 5 - Honestly, this show went downhill a bit after Season 3 or so, but it's still pretty good.
Apocalypse Now: The Complete Dossier - A good movie, but I've heard this release lacks a special feature or two that was present in the last release, which was the Redux edition. So really, it isn't "complete" now is it?
Full House: The Complete Fourth Season - If I even so much as see this on the shelfs tomorrow, I'll puke right there in the store. I swear to God, I hate this show well beyond what the laws of physics allow me to hate.
Hoot (Platinum Series) - Another one of those movies where a bunch of kids gang together to stop the "evil" developers from killing defenseless animals, in this case, owls. I heard this movie blows hard. If you want a film where evil developers are twarted, go with Ernest Goes to Camp. Sure, it still sucks, but it's Ernest.
I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer - Apparently, this film is about a different group of teens that get someone killed through reckless hooliganism. Also, like the previous film mentioned, this one is also supposed to blow hard. If you don't want me to spoil the film, don't read the next sentence. The killer in the film is still the fisherman guy. Yeah, the same fisherman guy that dies in the last film. The killer here is the ghost of the fisherman guy who avenges wrongful deaths or some stupid shit like that. I'm not kidding here in the least. They should have called this film: I Still Don't Give a Fuck What You Did Last Summer.
RV (Widescreen) - I like Robin Williams as much as the next guy, but in dramatic roles. I'm sick of his, "Look at me, I'm so funny when I act like a fuckin' idiot" routine. This film got a rating of 23% on RottenTomatoes as opposed to Hoot's 26% rating. Just do yourself a favor and NEVER watch this film.
Scary Movie 4 (Widescreen Edition - Unrated & Uncensored) - I HATE this entire series. I HATE the fact that with all the good screenwriters trying to get their ideas made into films, Hollywood keeps making this unentertaining SHIT. It's just a waste of time.
The Simpsons: The Complete Eighth Season - By the time they catch up to releasing the most current season, DVD won't even be an accepted format anymore.
Surface: The Complete Series - This show was good enough to keep my interest for a whole 7 episodes. It had an interesting premise, but it moved so god damn slow in releasing information to the viewer, that I just gave up on it. Appently the network did as well since 1 season is all it will ever have.
Survivor: Paulau - The Complete Season - I can understand why people like this show. Personally, I don't care for it, but I can see its appeal to the mindless masses. What I can't understand is how this show has any replay value. Once you've seen it, you've seen it.

Alright, that's it for tomorrow. There's actually quite a lot being released, but as you can see, most of it isn't worth shit.

By the time I write another entry into this blog, the film Snakes on a Plane will be released in theatres. I've bashed this film quite alot. Everything from the concept to the title. However, even I can't deny that Samuel L. Jackson is the man, and even though this movie seems dumber than a 50 lb. sack full of stupid, you have to admire Mr. Jackson's comment when asked about the nudity in the film:

"You have two people goin' to screw in a bathroom on a plane and you know that there are some snakes on there... you know that when that tit comes out, you want to see a snake on that tit! At some point you gonna go, "Man, I know a snake's going to show up somewhere... and hopefully that snake's going to be on that tit!"

Thank you for the eloquent comment Sam. You truly are the master of telling people what they want to hear.

In-Laws Be Damned!

2006-08-09T10:49:00.000-06:00

Normally I wouldn't post on a Wednesday like this, but normally, I wouldn't be so GodDamn pissed on a Wednesday either.

Who the fuck do my future parent-in-laws think they are anyway? Normally, I'd say that they're good people, and I get along with them fairly well, but today they can piss the fuck off. While Samantha was talking to her mother on the phone about our wedding in 2 years, Sam's mom asked if we picked a church yet. Jokingly, I said I was thinking about the Church of Satan. Now Sam's parents are quite religious, but they know that I joke around, it's who I am. This happened over a week ago. Last night, Sam's dad asks to speak with me on the phone. Apparently, my joke really upset Sam's mom and I was told that I should apologize to her to "mend the bridges."

FUCK THAT. I shouldn't have to apologize because I "offended" someone with a joke made in MY car in the city where I live about MY wedding. If I called her mom a fat ass, which she is, I could see where she'd be offended and where it might be right for me to apologize. Being told that I should apologize for the joke is a fucking insult to me and what I believe in, least of which is FREEDOM OF SPEECH. I certainly shouldn't have to watch every damn thing I say for fear of "burning down bridges." You don't have to like me, or even accept me as part of the family, but by God, you will respect my rights you intolerant sons of bitches.

The e-mail they'll be getting shortly will explain this to them.

I haven't done this in a few weeks so I'll take this time to award the next recipient of the:
Stupid Mother Fucker of the Week Award
This week, the winner is a man who works here where I do. He doesn't work in the library, instead, he works in the custodial department. Oh how fitting. This man, who from now on will be dubbed Fucky McFuckAss, called me over to help him with an e-mail problem. His problem was, everytime he tried to send this one e-mail, he got a message saying that the e-mail address was incorrect. He was trying to send an e-mail to Wells Fargo about a banking problem, and this was the e-mail address he was entering:
www.wellsfargo.com
News Flash Dumbshit: That's not a fucking e-mail address, it's a web address you toilet cleaning idiot. I find it amazing that in this world of the internet, there are still jackholes who can't work this shit. The internet has been around for public use for over ten years now. If it takes you 10 years to learn the basic principles behind e-mail, it's no fucking wonder you're emptying trash cans for a living. Congratulations you poor dumb bastard. Congratulations.

I'll review a movie for you as quickly as I can. I've mentioned the film Nochnoy Dozor here before as a film I really wanted to see. I'll just call the movie Night Watch as that's the American translation. Night Watch is a Russian film and is the start of a trilogy. The basic plot is the battle between good and evil "others" and how centuries ago, a truce was set-up to prevent the battle from destroying everything. The "others" range from vampires to shape shifters, etc. The NightWatch (good guys) and the DayWatch (bad guys) are supposed to keep each other in check. When an "other" realizes what he/she is, he/she must choose to either be on the light side or the dark side. Along comes this child who's supposedly very powerful, and his choice will determine what side ultimately wins. Yeah, it's pretty cliched.

Now, this film is classified by some, including Bloackbuster, as a horror. I'm tired of movies that aren't horror being called horror films. It cheapens the genre. This movie isn't scary in the least, but I will say, it's interesting. It moves a bit slow here and there which is one of it's flaws. The movie itself almost fails on it's own, but being that it's part of a trilogy, it succeeds in making me want to see the remaining two films.

Upon watching the trailer for this film, I had the fear that the movie would be chock full of the surreal images that the trailer is full of. Surreal can be good, but I also like plot, acting, etc. Surreal images make me say ooh and ah, but too much is too much. Thankfully, the only surreal images in the film were those seen in the trailer. I must add, the special effects for those select surreal images are quite good, but I'm glad they were kept at a minimum. Maybe they'll increase with the next film as the major characters have been fleshed out.

I'm not sure if I'd buy this for my collection or not. I'm on the fence about it. I definately think it's worth a rental though.

Alright, now I'm done. Begone with you from my tasty blog.

The class sucks

2006-08-07T19:26:00.000-06:00

As does any class where I'm made to dress up and wear a fuckin' tie for a group presentation. We're all adults here, and we all know how to dress up when the need arises. I don't think I should have to bust my ass to prove to the professor that I can be presentable. And to all of you naysayers, I CAN be presentable, I just choose to be a lazy, unkempt bastard the majority of my life.

Honestly, in everyday life, what does dressing up get you? Absolutely nothing. If I see a guy walking through Target with a long sleeve shirt and a tie on, I don't think, "Wow, he must be a successfull professional and I commend him for taking pride in his appearance." No, instead I'd probably think, "Hey, nice job overachiever. Do you put on a fuckin' bowtie to wash the dishes?" The only time a dressy appearance helps is in a job interview, or to make your parents think you give a shit about Jesus Christ when they drag you to church on Easter Sunday. Actually wearing a tie and shit doesn't matter unless it's required of the job. If it isn't required, then the boss knows the only reason you dressed up for the interview was to suck up enough to get the job. The boss KNOWS you don't care after that, and if the boss thinks you do care that much, then they're too damn dumb to be a manager.

Fuck ties I say! Hell, fuck clean clothes! If I want to run around in a t-shirt stained with burrito sauce and rum, by god, who the hell is my boss to say I can't? The only way we can destroy these social norms is by standing up for what we believe in.

mmmmmmm........burritos......

Speaking of tasty bean-filled goodness has led my mind to the DVD releases for this Tuesday. I wish DVDs came with refried beans.

The Brak Show: Volume 2 - Oh Brak, you make me chuckle. You're funny Brak, oh so funny.
Bring it On: All or Nothing - A sequel based upon a movie that only cheerleaders liked. Were there really that many cheerleaders screaming for this film to be made? I don't think so. I Don't Think So.
Inside Man - A Spike Lee film that isn't a Spike Lee film. Normally, Spike Lee doesn't make mainstream blockbuster-type films. I'd actually like to see this and I'll Netflix it. Isn't that the term the kiddies use these days? Netflix?
Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector - Were there really that many fat guys with trucker hats screaming for this film to be made? The answer to this question would probably surprise me.
Prison Break: Season One - This show actually wasn't that bad. It wasn't one of those shows that I "Had To" watch, but when I caught an episode, I liked it.
Sealab 2021: Sason IIII - This show is some funny shit and you KNOW it. Don't try to deny it, you laugh your ass off every damn time you see this show.
Untimate Avengers 2 - Alrighty, I'm torn on this one. The 1st one kinda sucked. however, since I'm a tool for anything Marvel, I want to buy it anyway. Plus, I heard if you buy it at ToysRUs, you get a free Captain America or Iron Man MiniMate. I'm a tool for free toys too. Don't say I didn't warn you though, I'm sure this show blows too.

That's it for this fine evening. You'll be thrilled to know that I typed all this while ignoring my fat instructor drone on about inane shit.

I bet she was looking forward the the Larry the Cable Guy movie.

Tune in next week when I tell you what NOT to buy.

SPAM!!!!!

2006-08-01T12:14:00.000-06:00

Ok. Now I realize that almost every E-Mail address is subject to an influx of SPAM messages. Mine however, is much worse. Maybe it's because I've had this e-mail address for about 6 years, but in the last 45 minutes, I've gotten 16, make that 17 SPAM messages in my SPAM folder. I don't know why I'm capitalizing the word SPAM, but it just seems like the right thing to do. Let me entertain you with a few of the SPAM message Subject lines I've gotten recently and my thoughts on them:

Re: Re: Multiple o'rgasms - SPAM, Now with unnecessary punctuation!
Claim your $1,000 Kmart Gift Card - I don't think there's $1,000 worth of inventory in a K-Mart.
scrow98: Cheese Cake Factory Offer Confirmation #BRUQ-8118 - I don't know what all those numbers and letters at the end of the subject mean, but I know that if you can't trust Cheesecake from an unidentified source, what can you trust? That's what my mom always said.
Earn Your Nursing Degree Online - How the fuck can you learn to insert an IV in online classes?! I can see someone falling for the Cheesecake bit, but this?
Hungry giIrs paussies phones sprinkled - WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?!?
CONGRATULATION!!! CONGRATULATION!!! CONGRATULATION!!! - Uhhhhh, thanks.

So there you have it, just a small sample of the shit I get everyday. Some of them are actually quite entertaining.

I have very little to say today. For the time being, I'll blog here, but I'm in the process of setting up a website of my own and hopefully I'll be able to blog there, but the functioning website is a few months away. Anyways, like I said, I have very little to say today, so I'll just move on the the DVD releases.

Alice in Wonderland (1985) - I'm going to sound like the gayest gay in all of Gayland when I say this, but I'm looking forward to seeing this again. I watched it numerous times as a small child and it holds a special place in my cold dead heart. The cast in theis version is pretty amazing. Who knows, it may suck and I may hate it now, but I'll just have to watch it again to be sure. By the way, Gayland is a nice place to visit, especially this time of year. I wouldn't recommend living there though, unless you really, really, really, like anal sex. Looks like I've found Andy a new home! Ha cha cha cha!!
Beavis and Butt-Head, Vol. 3: The Mike Judge Collection - I've yet to buy Vol. 1 and 2, but that's not because I don't want to. It's because I'm a poor poor sonovabitch.
The Black Hole - No, this isn't the Disney film that's actually quite good. This is the made for Sci-Fi channel movie that is actually quite bad. It stars Bender from The Breakfast Club.
V For Vendetta (Two-Disc Special Edition) - This is a film that I highly recommend and that I'll be stopping by Target to buy once I get off of work today. Sure, there's a single disc version too, but why buy that when you can spend a few dollars more and get so much more. In all actuality, I probably won't take the time to watch most of the special features, but I'm such a tool for the term "Special Edition." It makes me feel special.

And that's it, but a trip to the DVD Hut wouldn't be a wasted trip today, not with Beavis and V.

I sure hope Andy gets internet again soon so he can read that Gayland insult.

Let's try this again.

2006-07-27T12:58:00.000-06:00

I was going to post on Monday, as I normally do, but this site locked up when I hit the "publish" button after spending 30 minutes typing. My whole post was lost as was my patience for this blasted site. Of course, now I can't really remember what I was typing about on Monday anyway, so this could either be a much better, or a much worse post. You'll never know.

I talk about movies on this site quite often, because between that and toys, I know very little. Now, I know more than most of my friends, but I attribute that to their lack of ambition and inability to read. I'd draw you all characatures narrating my entries, however I can draw about as well as a can weave a Navajo basket out of reeds. So, in the theme of movies, I'd like to say a bit about a new release coming out tomorrow.

Miami Vice. Now before you bash this film, take not that Michael Mann is directing this. I feel that he's one of the best directors around right now. He's the writer and director of the classic as film Heat, and he's directed The Last of the Mohicans, The Insider, and one of my all time faveorite films, Collateral. The visual style Mann uses in Collateral is simply stunning. If you haven't yet seen Collateral, I reccomend highly that you rent it, or buy it. It won't be money wasted. Yeah, I've heard people say that they won't see Collateral because Tom Cruise is in it and they hate Tom Cruise. Yeah, Mr. Cruise may be a freak, but that doesn't mean you should shun him as an actor, especially when the overall product is amazing. These same people said the same things when War of the Worlds and MI-3 were released. Sure, War of the Worlds sucked, but it wasn't due to Tom Cruise, and MI-3 was pretty darn good. However, I've stopped talking about Miami Vice, so I'll move back to that topic.

Miami Vice looks dark, gritty, and hardcore. All the things a movie of this type should be. No flashy scenes or stupid-ass jokes like the Bad Boy movies have. Sure those movies aren't horrible, but they're not even close to being equal with a Michael Mann film. Also, the cheesiness that the original series had is now gone, replaced by solid characters and visuals that immerse you in the seedy underbelly of Miami. What, did you think I was going to say Detroit? Also, I've always wanted to use the term "seedy underbelly" in a sentence. It isn't just the visual style that makes me want to see this film. I also want to see Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx has won an Oscar and Colin Farrell hopefully will at some point in the future, for I think he's that good.

Forget the trailers that you've seen that may make this movie look uncertain. Take my word for it: This movie is going to kick ass. I'll get off my freakin' soapbox now.

Well I honestly don't have much else to say right now, so I'll move on the the DVD releases. I'm a bit late, seeing as how they were released 2 days ago, but you're all poor SOBs and haven't bought any yet anyway. Here goes:

Animaniacs: Volume 1 - Come join the Warner Brothers, and the Warner sister Dot, just for fun they'll run around the Warner movie lot. Alright, I won't sing anymore of the theme song, but I know it all just in case you're curious. You would be the dumbest person on the planet to see this on the shelf and not buy it, unless of course you need the money for food. But even then, your excuses mean little to me. I still remember watching the 1st ever episode and hearing Slappy the Squirrel say "Let's not get anal here," and wondering how in God's name that made it to broadcast television.
The Benchwarmers - I have nothing against comedies, I just have something against stupid comedies. When I'm picking out movies at Blockbuster, this one will be true to title and sit on the sidelines.
Final Destination 3 (Widescreen) - I too had a premonition. In mine, I saw this movie, and my head exploded out of sheer amazement that they even made this piece of shit.
Hudson Hawk (15th Anniversary Edition) - This is one of those comedies that you either "get" or "don't get." Personally, I think it's comedy gold and the decapitation scene, and Bruce Willis' following one-liner, makes me laugh every damn time. If you've never seen it, then go do so. It's quirky sure, but mighty entertaining.
Pinky and the Brain: Volume 1 - To prove their mousey worth, they'll overthrow the Earth. This Animaniacs offshoot is pure hilariousnessicity in its highest form. The Wizard of Oz spoof episode is one of my favorites, although I'm not sure if that's on Volume 1 or not.

That's really all that came out this week. Next week is pretty good too, including a movie that I'm eagerly anticipating owning, so come back next Monday and read my blog, or else two dozen tiny weasels will gnaw through your car's brake lines.

Don't make me send the weasels.

Peacefull slumber my ass!

2006-07-17T10:48:00.000-06:00

Sleep is supposed to be peacefull right? So why is it I can't dream about anything good? Sure, on occasion I have the dream involving a hot bikini model who just wants to have sex, but honestly, those types of dream are quite rare and that's really quite dissapointing. Maybe once every few months I'll have a dream where I'm a James Bond type who has to shoot a bunch a people for some save-the-world type reason. I like those dreams. For the most part though, those aren't the dreams I have. I dream about High School quite a bit for some reason. Let me be perfectly clear. I HATED High School. Some of the classmates I miss, but not the environment. At least once a week, I have a dream where I'm back in Mr. Schiwsow's history class listening to him drone on about the civil war while Mike Grummert makes a stupid joke. All those types of dreams accomplish is to depress me, and when I wake up, I feel like I'm headed off to High School for another day. I liked my time spent at college, but for some reason, I never dream of college. Just that shithole called Meridian Public School.

The second type of dream I have more often than the happy sex dreams are the "water" dreams. I'm not conciously afraid of water. I like to swim and showers are quite refreshing. I don't scream everytime it rains, yet I have nightmares involving water. Usually, I'm driving along and there's a huge flood and the road is covered in water, yet I can't turn around. I have to continue. If this scenario happened in real life, it would probably be quite scary, so I can see the realism in this dream. The second type of water dream I have involves toilets. Yeah, that's right, toilets. That's ok, you can laugh. I know it's really god damn stupid, but for some reason, my repressed fears manifest themselves as toilets. Some of the toilet dreams involve me really having to go, but all of the toilets all filthy. I'm talking shit on the seats, floor covered in puddles of piss filthy. The second type of toilet dream involves the toilet overflowing. Toilet overflows are by no means frightening, but in the dreams, I'm terrified. Like I said, laugh all you want, because I too admit that it's stupidly funny. These toilet dreams in no way have any bearing on real life fears. I have no idea what my brain is trying to tell me and I'm not sure I want to know.

Now I'm not saying I have these types of dreams every damn night, but I have them more often then dreams I'd like to have. Dreams are supposed to be the mind's way of escaping, yet my mind retreats into a shitter. Great.

Well, at least the DVD releases for tomorrow are pretty good. Let us bask in the gloryness of the DVD goodness which is Tuesday the 18th.

The Adventures of Briscoe County, Jr.: The Complete Series - What mook doesn't like Bruce Campbell? A fuck-mook that's who. This short lived series was only on for one season but it sure was damn funny. I highly reccomend this purchase, or at least rental, to anyone who enjoys good television.
The Best of She-Ra - Princess of Power - As with He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, I'll wait until the complete seasons are released and skip the "best of" discs.
Carnivale: The Complete First Two Seasons - This series looked twisted and cool at the same time. I want to watch it, but I'm told that it ends in an unresolved cliffhanger due to the shows early cancellation.
The Incredible Hulk: The Complete First Season - YEAH!!! I'm sure a lot of these episodes are pointless and cheesy, but you'd have to be a Commie to hate the Hulk. Hulk would smash puny Commies. You better believe he would.
Jack of All Trades: The Complete Series - Another Bruce Campbell series. I never watched this when it was on the air so I'm not sure if it's any good or not. The revewers on Amazon seem to like it so I'll try to rent it when I get the chance.
Ren & Stimpy: The Lost Episodes - You would be an EEDIOT not to find the comedy stylings of Ren and Stimpy entertaining and juvenile. Oh how I long for a Powdered Toast Man movie.
She's the Man (Widescreen) - I wouldn't watch this movie even if Bruce Canpbell was in it. Unless he was in it naked. Then maybe.

And thats it. Next week we have some more goooood shit coming out. I'm talking some Take Over the World good if you're pondering what I'm pondering.

Excellent.

Rub my Pegleg...

2006-07-10T12:06:00.000-06:00

No, the one in the middle.

Saturday night was a Pirates of the Caribbean: Dean Man's Chest viewing opportunity and by Jove, I took it. Some critics are bashing it, and I can kinda see where they're coming from, but it's still a good movie.

The first one is better, I have no problem admitting it. Some are saying that as sequels go, this one reminds them of Empire Strikes back, both because it's that good and because it ends in somewhat of a cliffhanger. I wouldn't go that far. I quite enjoyed POTC 2, but since it's more of a "part 1 of 2" kind of thing, that's exactly what it feels like, so the movie seems kind of pointless. It feels more like a "set-up" than it does a film with it's own plot.

The movie-going public doesn't seem to care though seeing as the film blew everything, including Spider-Man, out of the water in terms of box office sales this weekend. I knew that was going to happen when the 6:45, 7:10, and 7:45 showings at the Castle Rock theatre were all sold out. Since it's a smaller town, when three showings are sold out there, you know it's raking in the bucks.

One last thing on this film: I was told to stay through until the end of the credits for a final little scene. Don't stay. It's a fucking waste of time. At least the after-credits scene in X3 was a crucial bit of info.

I'll close this review with a pirate joke:

A pirate walks into a bar with this enormous steering wheel stuck down his pants. The bartender can't help but ask, "What's with the steering wheel?" "ARRRRGGH," the pirate answers, "it's drivin' me nuts!!"

On to the DVD reviews for tomorrow's releases:

Basic Instinct 2 - Does anyone still care about what Sharon Stone looks like naked? I'm looking forward to Basic Instinct 3 starring Betty White.

That's really all that's being released this week. Don't cry though, because next week we have a release starring the best actor I've ever seen: Bruce Campbell. You won't want to miss that.

Behold My Return!!

2006-07-05T11:41:00.000-06:00

Yes, I am back from my vacation. And oh, was it a good one.

I got $1300 of G.I. Joe stuff for $100. Well, Shane and I split it, so I got $650 worth of Joe stuff for $50. I found a few other toys I needed along the way. I also found Andy a TMNT fig he needed. I am almost as happy as he is to have found it. I mean, I've been looking all over Denver for the last year to find the bastard for Andy and to actually find it is like a little treasure hunt. I found it in Marysville Kansas of all places. When we stopped by my parents house on the way back, my friend Brian dropped off his comic books that he's selling me. There are a shitload of books in there from the 60's and 70's and a few from the 50's. Sure, a bunch of them have corners chewed off from mice and the other various wear marks that 40+ year old books have, but it's a great addition to my collection nonetheless. The trip topic conveniently leads into...

Stupid MotherFucker of the Week:
It seems as though all of the previous Stupid MoFo's have won their awards at retail outlets such as Wal-Marts or Targets. Today's winner is no different. This freakin' dumbass astounded everyone around with her Wal-Mart Self-Checkout tomfoolery. You see, there was a line of people waiting to use the self checkouts, where, I can only assume, alot of dumbasses can be observed on a daily basis. After scanning her entire cart full of items, she taps the Proceed to Payment button. The electronic voice tells her, and the people in the near vicinity, that her total is $236.65 or something like that. This woman then proceed to take out her cash and feed $1 bills to the machine, taking time after each bill is fed to make sure it went through. ONE DOLLAR BILLS!!! ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!! After about 5 minutes of this, the Wal-Mart employee manning the self-checkouts just said to hell with it, flagged her over, and cashiered the transaction from her podium/station. I almost expected the stupid bith to pull a jar of pennies out of her purse and start feeding those into the machine. Here's to you ya frackin hoo'er.

I'm going to take the next few seconds of your time to review Superman Returns, which I saw a few nights ago. Now, there may be spoilers or there may not be. I haven't decided yet, but consider this a warning. Also, never get involved in a land war in Asia. Not really a warning, but good advice regardless.

I thought Superman Returns was a good movie, for a Superman movie. What I mean is that I've never really cared for Superman all that much. Batman, The X-Men, and countless other superhero peeps are so much more dynamic. Superman is just kind of boring because he's so powerfull. His only real weakness is Kryptonite so if you want to hurt the Man of Steel as a filmaker, you have to resort to Kryptonite again and again. This film resorts to Kryptonite. Superman II actually gave Superman not one, but 3 villians who were just as powerfull as he so sometimes Kryptonite isn't used, but honestly, there isn't much you can do with the Big S.

Routh does a great job as Superman and he is the perfect choice. There were a few moments in the film where Routh looked freakishly like Christopher Reeve and I kinda liked that link to the previous films. Whether this is a sequel to the first two or not is open to debate but it's nice to at least get someone who harkens back to the good old days of Reeve, barring of course Superman III and IV. Keven Spacey is excellent as always and his protrayal of Lex also mimics Gene Hackman's Lex. Kate Bosworth is perfectly fine as Lois. And everyone else is good as well, except for Kitty's character which I'll explain here in a few sentences as to not test your limited attention spans.

The film is a bit sappy at points with its Superman/Clark/Lois/Perry's Nephew romance subplot, but it has to be done, so I accept it. There are bits of humor thrown in here and there and those work fairly well. The only major problem I have with the film is it Hammyness. I don't mean that it's full of Hamsters. That would be freakin' sweet however. Superman battling thousands of Hamsters would be a grand spectacle to behold. What I mean is that it's hammy, plain and simple. I'm sure that's what Singer wanted as a director. In a way, it reminds me of the old time Superman shows with George Reeves. But in this movie, it's just cheesy. It works in a movie such as Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow becasue in that film, the time period and settings are supposed to be hammy as well. In Superman Returns, it comes off to me as being dumb because it's supposed to take place in the present day world. It's supposed to be Superman here and now. I'm supposed to believe that this is taking place and the hammy dialog just doesn't cut it. Parker Posey as Kitty Kowalski has some of the worst lines in this film and I feel for her. I cringed inside during her "rescue" scene after her automobile "issue" because her lines were just fuckin' dumb.

A minor problem I has was the pacing of the film. Sure, it wasn't horrible, but the airplane rescue at the beginning of the film felt so much more climactic than anything near the end. Yeah, the ending had Superman facing great odds, but the scenes of him saving the aircraft were amazinging awesome and I was hoping for some of that iconic imagery to round out the film.

It was a good film, but it could have easily been better. I enjoyed watching X3 more than I enjoyed watching Superman Returns, but I expected that going in.

But of course, you need to see it for yourself to form your own opinion. As for the DVD releases for yesterday, I'll tell you what to think.

Charlie's Angels - The Complete Third Season - If you buy this, you deserve a swift kick to the gonads. And believe me, I have no problem giving it to you.
Doctor Who: The Complete First Series - I missed a few episodes of this first season but what I saw of it was pretty good. There are some crappy episodes, but that's the case with most British sci-fi. The season finale was actually quite good and has me looking forward to season 2.
The Matador (Widescreen) - Critics seem to like this film and it looks quite entertaining. I plan to rent it this week.

That and about 5 other items were all that was realeased yesterday. Normally dozens of items make it to the shelves on a Tuesday, but being a holiday, yesterday was sparse. Next week sucks too.

I leave you with a Chuck Norris fact, just becasue I can:

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Tomfoolery and Poppycock

2006-06-26T10:14:00.000-06:00

This coming weekend will be full of both as Shane and I make a small road trip to Kansas City and then to my perent's place in good old Nebraska. Plus, I just like saying Tomfoolery and Poppycock. It will be a good weekend, but also depressing knowing that I won't be at the 2006 G.I. Joe Convention. Oh well, shit happens. I haven't actually posted a Stupid MotherFucker of the Week award on here for a few weeks but I'm sure I'll have enough candidates after my little trip to fill a few weeks up. I'll be driving through Kansas, Missouri, and Nebraska on this trip, and if any states are full of stupid motherfuckers, it's these three.

Of course a trip, even a minor one like this, has its problems. Money being the first one. Sure, I can afford it, but just barely. Also, some of my friends just don't understand how short of a trip this is. I'll be at my parent's house in Nebraska from about 4 P.M. on Saturday afternoon until 7 A.M. Sunday morning. Obviously, my parents want us to eat dinner there on Saturday night. Yet, my friend Brian wants us to drive 35 miles to where he lives so we can "hang out" with him. He just can't understand the facts. This isn't a week long trip. This is a 3 day trip with 19 hours of drive time. I'm glad Brian doesn't read this blog because then he'd know I think he's being a dumbass. Hey dumbass, how about you come visit me in Denver like you said you were going to do 2 years ago? I thought so.

Although I don't have to worry about Samantha on this vacation at all. Sure, she's my fiancee and I enjoy taking trips with her, but sometimes you just have a take a tiny break from the significant other. it doesn't mean you hate them, it just means you need some "me" time, or in this case, some "guy" time. In addition, I like driving. I find it soothing and calming. However, if it's too soothing and calming, I wind up dozing off and slamming into a bus full of children at 80 mph. Sure, I wouldn't mind that at all, but the law enforcement comminity frowns upon dead kids.

Samantha and I have been "looking into" getting a grill for our patio. By "looking into," I mean taking the time to set money aside to buy one. Our apartment complex only allows gas grills though and not charcoal ones. That's fine with me since I'm a damn lazy bastard. My grandfather bought a new gas grill last summer. Sure, it was a cheap one, but it does it's job. On Saturday, he just gave it to us, saying that he won't use it ever again. Grandfathers can be so nice at times. We used it twice this weekend to grill us up some hot dogs, or "dogs" as they're called in the hood. I sure do like meat.

Enough of my incessant ramblings. It's time to Shock and Awe you with my uncalled for bombing and invasion of the country known as DVD Releases.

Annapolis (Widescreen) - Does anyone really care about this film?
Blue Collar Comedy Tour - One for the Road (Widescreen Edition) - Once again, does anyone really care about this film, other than Alabama?
Commander in Chief: The Inaugural Edition Part 1 - Apparently, people loved this show and thought it was really good television. Yet, it has been cancelled so it must have been lacking something.
Failure to Launch (Special Collector's Edition - Widescreen) - I can promise you that this film will never pass before my precious eyes.
Fear Factor: The First Season - Great, now I can relive all those memories of complete morons eating cow intestines and rat assholes.
Find Me Guilty - This film looked mildly interesting. I just may rent it.
Independence Day: 10th Anniversary Edition - Alright. I've had enough of this God Damn movie on DVD. This is at least the fifth time this movie has been released on DVD, I shit you not. So the Limited Edition or the 5 Star Edition wasn't enough? What really pissed me off was the new slipcover that was thrown on to the 2002 edition od ID4 to capitalize off of War of the Worlds. Take a look at 2 War of the Worlds DVD designs and then the ID4 slipcover and tell me it isn't cheap combination of the 2.

Leroy & Stitch - Yep, another pointless Disney sequel.
Ultraviolet (Unrated Extended Cut) - Maybe someday I'll be so bored that I'll rent this film to see how bad it really is, but that day won't be anytime soon.

That is it for the DVD releases for this week, and as you can already determine, it's best to just skip the DVD shelves altogether this week. But not the porno shelves. NEVER skip those.

You've read this one already..

2006-06-19T10:32:00.000-06:00

I just changed the title.

This weekend, in between kicking Shane's ass in LazerTag and cooking a damn fine casserole, I decided to watch some old movies. Not old like Citizen Kane, old like 12 years ago old. You see, I was able to pick up DVD copies of Mortal Kombat and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. When I was 15 years old, I though Mortal Kombat was an enjoyabe action film based off of an enjoyable series of games. When I was 17, I thought Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (MKA) really sucked more than anything could possibly suck. I wanted to watch these 2 films again to see if my opinions had changed, as they do with films sometimes. My thoughts are as follows:

Mortal Kombat : Wow. This film wasn't as good as I had remembered. Now it isn't horrible, and I still enjoy it for what it is, but some of the acting is just horrible. I must say though, I quite enjoy the character of Kano as played by Trevor Goddard. It is exactly how he should be played and it saddens me that if Kano is ever in another MK film, Trevor won't be playing him since the dumbass died of a drug overdose in 2003. And the guy playing Johnny Cage also was a good fit. Some of the special effects, like Reptile, really suck too, at least by today's discerning moviegoer's eyes. Yeah, this movie is cheesy, but still kind of fun.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation: I was really hoping that this film was better than I had remembered it. It, in fact, is worse. Now, I enjoy action movies, but this film is ridiculous. This is the action movie equivalent of a porno film. Two minutes of shittly plot, followed by 5 minutes of sex, or in this case, fighting. Repeat that over and over and you have the film. This had 2 major negative effects on the film. 1: I got God Damn tired of watching people fight really fast. 2: The final battel between Liu Kang and Shao Kahn at the end of the film looses all importance because it's just another fight. Near the end, I was so tired of mindless fights, I was really hoping that Liu Kang and Shao Kang would resolve their problems over a thrilling game of Mortal Kheckers, complete with a thumping techno beat.

This wasn't the only bad part of the film. There are so many, I just have to talk about some of them because they're so damn bad!

The acting is even worse than that of the 1st movie. The casting makes no sense. Alot of the characters from the 1st film are recast, and recast poorly. The plot is really only there to set-up the next fight. This movie is supposed to take place immediately after the first, yet the characters are wearing different outfits at the beginning of this film. There is a scene where Sonya Blade gets covered, and I mean absolutely covered in mud, yet in the next scene, she looks like she has never even seen mud and her white tank top looks like it just came out of the wash. The effects in this film suck too, especially when Liu Kang and Shao Kahn turn into dragons near the end. Yep, you heard right, they turn into dragons to fight. Which is really fucking pointless since about 3 minutes later, they turn back into their human forms for the "final" battle. I had thought that the final battle had been going on for 5 minutes already, but apparently not.

My final rant about this piece of crap are the costumes. The filmakers kept all the outfits exactly as they are in the game, but they don't translate to film at all. This is the perfect example of how when an outfit works in one form, such as a comic or game, it doesn't necesarily work on film. Nightwolf looked like a bad-ass Native American in MKIII. He looks like a gay Indian in the movie. And purple spandex doesn't work on ANY character in ANY movie.

I hated this film and I like a lot of shitty action films, but this one is too damn bad even for me. In fact, this film was so bad, that after watching it, I couldn't remember what about the 1st film I thought was bad. It's like fuckin' Shakespeare compared to the 2nd. A third film, Mortal Kombat: Devastation, is in pre=production now, and I'm hoping for the sake of the Earth itself, that's it's an improvement. The casting is going back to the first film so hopefully they do the whole "Highlander 2" scenario and totally ignore that the 2nd film ever happened.

Alright, enough about films that no one gives a rat's ass about. On to the DVD releases for tomorrow and I must say that finally the drought is over and we've got some good shit hitting the shelves tomorrow, although most of it is suppled by DC.

The Adventures of Superboy: The Complete First Season - Honestly, I can only remember seeing like 1 episode of this when it was on the air in 1988 and I can't even remember if it was good or not. For some reason though, I'm kind of excited to pick it up and give it a try. Apparently, the cast changed, including Superboy, after season one and the show was much better for seasons 2-4.
Adventures of Superman: The Complete Third and Fourth Seasons - The old timey classics, which I've never actually watched.
Eight Below (Widescreen) - Oh joy. A Disney movie satrring Paul Walker and a bunch of sled dogs. I'm taking a guess here by saying that the dogs are better actors than Paul Walker.
The Hills Have Eyes (Unrated) - I'm getting tired of every shittly horror movie being released as "Unrated." How about you just release the cut you want to release in the first place? Two more minutes of gore isn't going to make me want to see the fim any more than I had wanted to in the first place, which wasn't much at all.
Justice League: Season Two - WOOOT!!!!
Krypto: The Superdog, Volume One - Cosmic Canine - There are a lot of DC themed releases this fine day, but this is one I'll be passing on.
Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman - The Complete Third Season - Meh. I never really got into this show.
Look, Up in the Sky: The Amazing Story of Superman - Documentaries are for sissues.
Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure - Disney is really good at making meaningless sequels just to rake in the money, and sadly, most of them suck.
Night Watch (Nochnoi Dozor) - I've heard so many different opinions on this Russian film that I really want to see it to form my own opinion. It looks good from the previews anyway.
Superman: The Animated Series - Volume Three - Another DC release that I must have.
Superman: Brainiac Attacks - This is a new film that, like the Superman Animated Series, uses Tim Daly as the voice of Superman. The Justice League toon used another voice actor. I'll buy this too.
Syriana (Widescreen) - I unfortunately was unable to see this in the theatres so I'm really looking forward to seeing it now. George Clooney is the shit.

And that's it. You see, I told you that this week was better than the last few. Always listen to Crow and you'll come out ok. Next week, we're back to the suckage.

I'm Made Out of People!!!!!!

2006-06-14T12:49:00.000-06:00

So, everyone is told at some point in their life that they look like a celebrity. Take Andy for instance, he kinda looks like Moby, but on Heroin. I thought’s today’s comment from a library patron on who I resemble was most hilarious. First, let me list those celebrities that I’ve previously been told I look like:

Johnny Rzeznik, lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls.
Charles Manson - Not so much of a celebrity, but I still count it.
Dr. Evil - Not really a celeb either, just a movie character, but I've been told by more than one person that I reming them of Dr. Evil when I'm not even trying to mimic him. This and Manson leads me to believe that people think I'm a bad person at heart, and if I ever find out for sure that they think this, I'll stab them in the neck with a pencil.
A young Elvis Presley. Yes, I too said "What the Fuck?" when some idiot told me this. I guess it's better than looking like an old Elvis Presley, which I'll probably acheive in the next 3 years if I play my cards right.

But today's comment was possibly the greatest of them all. You probably figured it out from today's title. Yep, someone just said I look like Charlton Heston. This is kinda disturbing because I've been told that I'm distantly related to him, through marriage hopefully. It's also odd because I've openly mocked Heston and his acting chops for many a year. Not to his face though, that man owns a lot of guns. I can see the Manson lookalike connection when I've got my Hobo look going. I can even vaguely see a tiny Rzeznik similarity when my hair was longer and died like it was 6 years ago. But the Presly one? Hell no. And certainly not the Heston one. I don't sound like him either. I don't talk as if my teeth constantly hurt. I'm never sure if I should take these comments as compliments or insults.

To celebrate this fine day, I will leave you with some of Heston's more valuable contributions to movie dialogue:

You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!
It's people. Soylent Green is made out of people. They're making our food out of people.
Sweet Christ...

Thank you Mr. Heston, you're both a gentelman and a scholar.

I Think I'm Sick

2006-06-12T11:01:00.000-06:00

Something is terribly wrong with me. I have absolutely nothing to bitch and moan about today. Had my weekend sucked, this Monday would also suck; however, my weekend was great. This is why my weekend was great:

My computer works. Apparently, the woman didn't fry it when she spilled the cup of water.
I found some tough to find Marvel Legend figs.
I found an amazing deal on G.I. Joes toys from some guy who wants to get shafted instead of making a profit.
After years of inactivity, I finally got another chance for some quality war games. A buddy and myself went up to a quiet national park and played a few rousing games of laser tag. We have these sweet-ass rifles that fire a nerf-like missle than can tag the other players. Years ago, I said a lazer tag grenade would be the next logical step, and the man listened. Did I win you ask? Well of course. I not only supply extra lazer tag guns when needed, I suppy the cold depressing onslaught of total domination.

If you personally know me, you'll not only wish me dead, but you'll know that I'm quite good at seeing into the future. Every so often, I plan to use my psychic abilities to pull a news article from the future of a famous individual. Today, I will pull an article from the August 13, 2013 edition of the Sydney Daily News. I decided to hightlight Richard Branson today because eveyday he decides to try something new and wacky and I wanted to see how he actually ends up dying:

Entrepreneur Richard Branson Dead at 63
Sydney, Australia

Tragedy struck at 6:04 P.M. Tuesday evening when billionaire Richard Branson finally met his fate. Founder of the Virgin empire, including successful airline, railway, media, and space travel projects, was well-known for his dangerous ventures both inside and outside of the board room. Branson was often criticized by his investors for his risky behavior, including jaunts on experimental, and untested, aircrafts and space faring vehicles. Parachuting, base jumping, and hang gliding were a few of Branson’s more dangerous “hobbies.” The ordinary man wouldn’t have been able to indulge himself like this, but Branson, worth over four billion dollars, could afford the most outrageous of stunts.

His last risky adventure would prove to be the most dangerous of all. According to the IMAX film crew documenting his last adventure, Branson suffered multiple lacerations from razor-sharp, diamond-tipped, poison-laced tusks while fighting an army of his genetically engineered WARthogs on his specially designed flying battle city, entitled VirginSacrifice. Branson boarded VirginSacrifice encased within his hydrogen-powered armor boots and armed only with a laser crossbow, a 2x4 with a rusty nail in it, and a thirst for excitement. Branson was successful in killing eight WARthogs before the remaining 12 lured him into a trap and knocked him unconscious with powerful nerve gas secreted from their teats.

Richaard Branson, one of Richard Branson’s many clones, issued this statement: “We at Virgin Enterprises are shocked and saddened by Richard’s untimely passing. Now please excuse me while I take my daily injection to prevent my soy-based clone body from breaking down. Thank you.”

Richard Branson will be cremated and his ashes will be shot toward the sun, where the red star’s immense gravity will slingshot Bronson’s remains towards the black hole in the center of the galaxy.

Wow, I didn't see that one coming.

The DVD monkey has just flung his poo-of-new-releases at me.

16 Blocks (Widescreen) - I enjoy Bruce Willis as an actor and all, but this film just looks boring. A good cop has to protect a witness from the bad cops for, oddly enough, the length of 16 blocks. Throw in some badgers and then you've got a movie I'd pay to see.
Beavis and Butt-Head, Vol. 2: The Mike Judge Collection - Patrick Stewart loves this show, and so should you.
Dave Chappelle's Block Party (Unrated Widescreen) - I've barely seen any of Dave Chappelle's work and I already hate him.
Dharma & Greg: Season One - It was only a matter of time before they started releasing this show on DVD. Somewhere out there, there are people happy about this. These people are called "Commies."
MacGyver: The Complete Sixth Season - This is the show that taught me how to blow open the hull of a ship with only bleach, peanut butter, a ball-point pen, and an egg-timer. I can't count how many times that's come in handy.
The Princess Bride - The "Buttercup Edition" - And if this isn't "Manly" enough for you, there's always...
The Princess Bride - The "Dread Pirate Edition" - Two different packaging versions for your pleasure! I think everything else is the same about these releases, but this is a must buy.
Sandler Collection - Big Daddy, 50 First Dates, and Mr. Deeds together in one amazingly craptacular package.
Walker, Texas Ranger: The Complete First Season - Yes!! Finally a reason to incorporate Chuck Norris jokes into my blog!! There is no Theory of Evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. The opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan are loosely based on the games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played as a child. The “C-section” is named after Chuck Norris, for when he roundhouse kicked himself through his mother’s stomach. Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer...too bad Chuck Norris has never cried. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a guy so fast, that his foot broke the speed of light, travelled back through time, and killed Amelia Earhart and vaporized her plane while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

You see how funny Chuck Norris jokes can be?! I'm still laughing over the C-section joke.

On Bullshit

2006-06-07T08:36:00.000-06:00

The topic for the majority of today's blog will be Bullshit. I know it's a new thing for this blog but let me just get right into it and I bet you'll catch on fast.

So my lovely fiancee Samantha accidentally spilled a cup of water last night onto the coffee table. Isn't it odd that I still call it a coffee table, yet I drink no coffee? My laptop was on this coffee table as well. My laptop won't turn on this morning. Right now, the laptop is a $1400 paperweight.

So, Samantha says I shouldn't be angry at her because it was an accident and she didn't mean to do it. I don't have the right to be angry when a very expensive piece of electronic equipment gets fried because of someone else's clumsyness?

BULLSHIT

So I says to Sam: "Well if I were out driving your car and someone smashed into it and totaled it, you'd be angry at me." To which she replies: "No I wouldn't be, because it would be an accident."

BULLSHIT

She would bitch and moan and make me feel guilty for it for the next 65 fuckin' years. Women, when they have nothing to be angry about, FIND reasons to be angry.

Also, why is it whenever Samantha spills something, it's ALWAYS my shit that gets damaged? Yeah yeah, I know that it technically our stuff, but like she cares about the Wizard Poster Book that got ruined a few months back. Yes, everything may be ours, but there are clearly items that belong to one or the other. In the 5+ years we've been together, she has spilled crap on cardboard DVD cases, comic books, and now a computer. She has knocked crap off tables causing me to loose some very small pieces to a 20 year old G.I. Joe item. Hell, it only took me 20 years to complete it, I'll just complete it again in 2026. I've NEVER seen her spill anything on her romance books or on really anything of hers. That my friends, is

BULLSHIT

Add to this the fact that now I have to redo 2 assignments for a cataloging class that were due tomorrow that had previously been safe and sound on my laptop, and you can see that I'm wading in a deep kiddee-pool of

BULLSHIT

You're beginning to see a recurring theme now aren't you? And that fact that she doesn't like to take responsibility pisses me off too. I know this wasn't intentional, but her saying this cheeses me off: "Well you can't be mad because I accidentally may have fried your computer." MAY HAVE MY ASS. IT WON'T FUCKING TURN ON FOR CHRISTSAKES. You DID fry it. Hey, what's that in the sky? Is it a bird or a plane? Nope, it's

BULLSHIT

Moving on to other issues: What is with these people who feel like they have to back into every parking space? Will that extra 3 seconds you save when you leave work or the SuperTarget really matter? Will it offset the 20 seconds you wasted trying to back into the space at the beginning of work? I'm not entirely sure, but I think the logic and reasoning center of your brains are full of, yep, you guessed it...

BULLSHIT

I'm also having an issue with Amazon. The online retailer, not the immensely large rainforest full of things that will eat me. I pre-ordered some Marvel Legends in February and the order is scheduled to ship sometime this week. Two weeks ago, I found some of these figures so I went to cancel them from my order. The website gives me an error message every time I try to cancel these items. Of course, I e-mailed Amazon for a prompt resolution. That was 2 weeks ago. Seven days ago, I got a second e-mail response from them telling me that they're trying to fix the problem and they'll get back to me in 2 days. Still nothing to this very day. WHAT FUCKING PROBLEM CAN THERE BE? JUST CANCEL THE DAMN ITEMS! Your system has no freakin' problem accepting new orders now does it? Why no, no it doesn't. How very odd. I wonder how much shipping Amazon will charge for the

BULLSHIT that they're sending me.

Alright, it's time to move on the the
STUPID MOTHERFUCKER OF THE WEEK, which also ties in nicely to the theme of today's thrilling show.

This week's winner is the illustrious group of assclowns that call themselves XM Radio Customer Service. I've had issues with them before, but this is the top dog. So last Friday I called them to cancel one of the 2 radios on my account due to us using the 2nd radio very little. After waiting on hold for 20 minutes, I got customer service who told me I had to call another number. And no, they couldn't just transfer me. After waiting another 20 minutes, I get a guy who verifies all of my info and hears my cancellation request. He then informs me that the system is down but he'll take all of the info and that another rep will call me when the system comes back up to let me know that the cancellation has indeed occured. That call never happened. Naturally, not wanting to wait on hold for another lifetime, I e-mailed XM yesterday asking what the deal is. I get this response:

** Dear Sean,
Thank you for contacting XM Satellite Radio.We recently received a request to deactivate an XM Satellite radio from your email address. Since we are unable to verify the identity of the sender of the email, the XM Satellite Radio Email Team is unable to process such a request. Instead, please call 1-800-998-7900 between the hours of 6 am and 2 am, Monday through Saturday and Sunday 8 am through 8 pm Eastern Standard Time. An XM Satellite Radio Listener Care phone representative will be happy to assist you.
Thank you, Dan Altmann XM's Listener Care Email Team **

Well, FUCK YOU DAN!!!!! Had your reps done their job, I wouldn't need to call back, I'm I'm damn sure not going to. You, or one of your fuck-tard reps, are going to call me, as I was told in the first place, and you'll cancel the GodDamn radio before I track your sorry ass down and beat the shit out of you with an electric stapler, which conveniently is the closest blunt object to me at the present time. You XM folk win the award not only for your incompetance, but also for your amazing commitment to

BULLSHIT

You like how I used both bold variance and color to hightlight certain words? I like it cause it's pretty. OK, I think I'm done complaining now so I'll move on the the DVDs that were released yesterday.

Black Hawk Down (Extended Cut) - Sweet, all I wanted from this film is more indistinct guys running around screaming and getting shot.
Charmed: The Complete Fifth Season - This DVD has just cast a spell on me. A spell that induces nausea and the urge to kill.
Dazed and Confused (Criterion Collection) - The special edition of this film was released not even a year ago which is when I purchased it. Those dirty mother fuckers, I fell for their lies again. LIES!!!!
The Drew Barrymore Collection - Never Been Kissed, Fever Pitch, AND Ever After. At least it isn't those god awful Charlie's Angels films, although honestly, is this set really much better? I say Hell No good sir!
The Fast and the Furious: Franchise Collection - If I'm counting correctly, this is the 3rd release of the first film and the 2nd of the 2nd film. Anyone who remotely liked these films have already bought this set and had 6 children in the back of an '82 Camaro with their sister.
Firewall (Widescreen Edition) - Horrible reviews and a re-re-re-re hashed plotline don't interest me in the least.
George Clooney: The Collection - One Fine Day, Solaris, and the Thin Red Line make up this set. Sure, I think Clooney is one of the best actors for this generation, but this set seriously doesn't collect the 3 best films he's done. There are better choices.
Glory Road (Widescreen) - Another "We can do it if we try!!" sports movie. Haven't we all had enough of these? Even sports fans have to be growing tired of these. Show me an inspirational story of a group of misguided Scottish athletes trying to make it big on the Caber toss circuit and I'll gladly pay for a ticket.
He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: Season 2 V. 1 - Oh yeah!! Now we're talking! Finally a release worthy of my preciously-short attention span!
Home Improvement: Season Four - And, just when it peeked it's head out, my attention has returned to it's den to hide.
Mr. & Mrs. Smith - Unrated - Oh come on! The normal version just came out like 3 months ago. I fell for their lies agin!!! LIES!!!!!!!!
Underworld: Evolution (Special Edition, Widescreen) - Do I even need to tell you this is a horrible film? Well, I guess I just did.

So that's it for today. Sure there are a lot od DVDs being released but, and I'm sure you saw this coming, most of them are nothing but

BULLSHIT!!!!

You Sons of Bitches...

2006-05-31T08:28:00.000-06:00

Normally I wouldn't post at this time of the week, but I must get this out....

I'm quite the fan of the Die Hard films. So, naturally, when I heard of plans for Die Hard 4.0, I was pleased. But of course, Sean has no reason to be pleased now does he? They just announced that Die Hard 4.o will be directed by none other than Len Wiseman. Well that's just fuckin' peachy. Hand a franchise I love over to the jackass who directed both Underworld films. Directed AND wrote may I add. I'm not a fan of the Underworld movies, mainly because they suck.

You see that's the bad thing about shitty movies. Not only do they spawn shitty sequels that clog up the rental racks, but the movie studios see these successful shitty movies and mistakenly think that the movies aren't shitty and hire these hack writers and directors to "better" existing goodness. let me list some other examples of hacks being given projects they don't deserve:

Eli Roth, the "genius" behind Cabin Fever and Hostel has been hired to direct The Cell, a movie based on Stephen King's latest book. By the way, Cabin Fever was one of the dumbest movies I've ever seen.

Jonathan Lemkin, who wrote Lethal Weapon 4, was hired to write a script for Superman Returns before the current movie's idea was accepted. His idea was to have Superman impregnate Lois Lane right before he dies. Lois then gives birth, dying during childbirth, resulting in a fully-grown new Superman that takes over where his father left off to save the Earth. I'm not kidding. I can't make this shit up people.

Along the lines of Superman, McG, hot off the success of Charlie's Angels was also supposed to direct Superman Returns but dropped out for personal reasons and to direct Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.

Aliens Vs. Predator did so well at the box office that Fox seems to be moving ahead with AVP2. The early script, has the story taking place in present day in a small Texas town infiltrated by "Predaliens." The Predalien Hive is rumored to be a Super K-Mart. Once again, I shit you not. This is the horrible truth. In fact, take a gander at the possible movie tagline: "For the first time ever, an ALIEN FOOTPRINT forms on American soil.” If it wasn't the continuing death of another franchse I loved, I'd laugh.

Of course, I could be wrong on the whole Die Hard / Wiseman thing. Disney hired the guy who directed The Mexican and The Ring to direct Pirates of the Caribbean and that turned out great. He also directed The Weather Man, a truly entertaining film. I gues I'll just have to wait and see.

So my job is boring.

2006-05-30T09:52:00.000-06:00

At least it pays more than yours.

So I said in the last post that if I had time, I'd quickly review a made-for-tv movie I saw last week. Well here goes.

Last Wednesday, ABC premiered their film version of Stephen King's book Desperation. Normally, ABC is prone to create mini-series' out of King's work, mainly because most of King's books are frickin' huge. Desperation was only a one-shot however, which was fine by me because I think a mini-series would have been way too drawn out.

Most of these ABC King films are pretty weak production-wise. Sure, they do what they can, but one can always tell that it's just a made-for-tv movie with a tiny budget. Sometimes the special effects blow, as with the Langoliers, but more often than not, the acting sucks too, also as evidenced by the Langoliers. Desperation didn't really showcase any special effects so that was fine. As for the acting, it wasn't too terribly bad with Tom Skerritt and Ron Perlman as the main actors. Ron Perlman being especially good as the psycho sherriff. The woman who played the distraught mother of the boy was pretty damn bad though. And the boy? Oh what a craptastic child actor. ABC NEVER casts good child actors for the King films. Once again, refer to the Langoliers and that girl they picked to play the blind girl.

The boy's character also pissed me the hell off. Basically, God is showing his "will" through the boy in response to the evil entity which has taken over the town of Desperation. I'm sure this worked well in the book, but I got sick and tired of hearing this little bastard say "It's God's Will" every 5 goddamn minutes. I was hoping that It would be "God's Will" for the kid to fall down one of the town's mine shafts and die. Too bad that never happened.

Honestly though, this movie ends up being semi-enjoyable due to Ron Perlman and King's original writings. Perlman's character name is Collie Entragian and honestly, isn't that just a cool ass name? King has always been good at characterization and it shines with this character. Also, being one of the many who has read the epic which is the Dark Tower series, I picked up a few references to that which I'm glad they kept in the movie. King is notorius for somehow tying his Dark Tower series in almost every book he's written.

Although this film was somewhat interesting, I don't think I'd watch it again. If you have a few hours to kill, then by all means watch it, but don't be surprised when the child actor drives you insane with his constant God-speak.

All right, I'm done.

Go then, there are other worlds than these.

The X-Men Cometh

2006-05-27T10:16:00.000-06:00

There may be minor spoilers in this, or major ones. I'm not sure because I haven't written the review yet. And really, it's less of a review than a rant on the idiocy of idiotic idiots.

So critics and X-Men fans alike have been bashing M-Men III. Does it deserve such harsh criticism?

Fuck no.

How about all of you anal-retentive, fat, donut-sucking, parent's basement living nerds shut the hell up already.

Sure, I think that X2 was better. Sure, I think X3 was too short. However, the criticisms these people are throwing out are absurd. Ratner is getting a lot of flack for his different directing style. Guess what? I really couldn't tell that it had a different director. People say that this movie focuses more on acton tha n character development. Yes, that would be bad if this had been the 1st film in the series, but this is the third film. We've already had 2 films that have set-up the major players. We already know their personalities, motivations, and character traits. We finally get to see the payoff of the X-Men in action, and in a lot of action at that. It's nice and refreshing, like Sprite.

Let's see, what else are these people bitching about? Oh yes, they think there are too many characters added. Really, only a few major characters are added and some of them have only minimal parts. Ratner didn't try to focus on every character which would have been a shitty thing to do.

These people also bitched that too many characters died. Have you mooks ever read the comics? You people bitch and bich that Ratner doesn't follow the comic, yet when people die, like in the comic, YOU STILL BITCH!

You people are complaining that certain characters have powers that they don't have in the comics. Would you rather have had Ratner add 10 more characters? Personally, I don't give a shit if Callisto has a few more powers than she does in the comic. What does it matter?? It doesn't affect the plot, and she's a minor character anyway. Sure, if Ratner had Cyclops shooting acid out of his tits I'd have a problem with it, but not Callisto.

The look of the characters is another rant. Juggernaut doesn't look like he does in the comics eh? I thought it was pretty much established in the first film that these characters have a drastically different look than in the comic. These characters are actually costumed to not look like freakin' idiots. Yeah, Juggernaut running around in a red suit of armor with his whole face concealed isn't going to work on film. Film is a different form of media than comic books so things have to be changed. If the costumes were comic accurate, we'd end up with an X-Men movie that looks like that Marvel Superheroes MasterCard ad that aired a year or two ago. Yeah, that looks real professional.

Ypu people are allowed to have as many complaints as you want, as long as the complaintes make sense. Yes, I have complaits about the film, but they're complaints that are legitimate, like the length of the film. If you haven't seen the film, go see it. If you have seen it already, then thank you for your patronige, and drink Sprite.

Alrighty, on to the DVD reviews for this coming Tuesday:

Alf: Season Three - Yeah......I don't think I'll be spending my cash on this.
Date Movie - I'd actually take a date to this film if I wanted to give her the impression that I hated her and had horrible taste.
The Dukes of Hazard: The Complete Sixth Season - Hell No.
Joey: The Complete First Season - I Hate NBC for this reason.
The Kids in the Hall: Complete Season 4: Now this is some quality DVD material right here.
Riddick Trilogy - Like anyone bought the Chronicles of Riddick when it first came out? Oh yeah, Samantha did. That bitch. Now, we're supposed to want to buy it along with Pitch Black and the animated Riddick movie? Fuct that. I'll stick with Pitch Black and the XBox game that kicks ass.
Will & Grace: Series Finale - JUST DIE ALREADY!!! STOP MAKING THESE DVDS!!!

That it for DVDs this week. Pretty shitty I dare say. Honestly the DVD releases kinda blow until June 20th.

If I'm bored on Monday, i'll review a made for TV movie I saw last week, if not, I'll post here a week from now and you'll like it that way.

Perform your Civic Duties

2006-05-22T08:37:00.000-06:00

I'm not talking about voting, or military service, or even jury duty. I'm talking about going to see X-Men 3 this coming Friday. It's been widely stated that this will be the last regular X-Men movie made. That is, unless it makes an assload of money at the box office, in which case, the money-grubbing whores at Fox will continue the series. Sure, they haven't confirmed or denied this, but let's face it, they like their money, and continuing a proven series is better than taking a chance on the next shitty idea some hack comes up with.

So go see it and bask in its mutanty goodness.

On to entertainment news: The CW network has apparently passed on the series Mercy Reef. Mercy Reef, if you didn't know, was the Smallville-ized version of Aquaman. Smallville fans are all pissing and moaning because this series wasn't picked up and from a leaked trailer, it appears as if this show would have been good. But it isn't good, and we all know it. Sure, Smallville has a large fan base, but personally, I think it's a rather shittty show. Mercy Reef wouldn't have been any better. Let's put it into perspective. The CW network is a merger between the WB and UPN networks, both of which pretty much sucked except for a few kick-ass cartoons on the WB. I can't even begin to list the shitty shows that were aired and were ultimately cancelled on these two networks. Even the shows that lasted are crap. 7th Heaven my ass, more like 7th Level of Hell. The WB picked up the show Reba, yet the CW passed on Mercy Reef. That has to tell you that Mercy Reef is worse than Reba. How that's possible, I'm not sure. No one can say that the CW admin passed on it simply because it's a "comic book" property. In fact, since comic book properties are in demand right now, you think that would have pushed them to put it on the primetime lineup. I mean, the WB aired Birds of Prey. Fucking Birds of Prey.

Stupid MotherFucker of the Week
Only the winner of this award would scream obscenities at a copy machine because it doesn't do exactly what he wants it to do. Only the Stupidest MoFo would perform this display of childish testosterone in a library. People come to a library to study? Balderdash! Why, it's not your fault the copier is spitting out 100 copies, I mean it's not like, in your ignorance, you actually told it to make 100 copies. So really, it's only fair that you have the right to yell at the copier in a quiet library. It's only right that you start slamming the copier around in a vain attempt to cease its mindless copying. You could have just gone quietly to the library staff and informed them of the problem, which could have been quickly and easily resolved, but you're too efficient to bother with that nonsense. Now, everyone who was in the library at that time knows that the copier is a fucking piece of shit, in fact, people who were out in the hall at the time probably know it too.

Well, I have some advice for you as well as the award. Grow the fuck up. You're a researcher in a medical institution so instead of acting reasonably, you throw a tantrum like a fucking 4 year old. I don't give a rat's ass how shitty your day was up until that point, because no excuse is good enough to allow your behavior. And as for the severe beating you gave the copier: It isn't your wife so knocking it around isn't going to make it cook you dinner faster or stop copying at your command. I'm sure your boss would love to get the repair bill had you actually broke the copier. You not only win the award this week, but you win my contempt. Congratulations.

DVD Releases
Like the bolded section header eh? I'm getting pretty good at this "typing" thing. This is also the Special Your Mom Edition of DVD Releases. See if you can spot the cleverly concealed mom jokes.

The 4400: The Complete Second Season - I'd watch this, unfortunately I never saw the 1st season. If I'm correct, it's a documentary about your mom and how many people she's had sex with.
BloodRayne (Unrated Director's Cut) - Another Uwe Boll classic! If I were given the chance to punch one Hollywood director in the face, this would be the guy I'd hit. Video game movies are bad enough without you making them even worse. Just stop. Please, just stop.
The Boondock Saints (Unrated Special Edition) - This film has a pretty big cult following. I almost feel ashamed that I haven't seen it yet. It, like your mom, is on my to-watch list.
Boston Legal: Season One - I've given my positive review of this show before and it's definately worth a rental if you have the time.
Cheaper by the Dozen 2 - Like the 1st film needed a sequel. Don't bother ever seeing this film. I'll be generous and let you make the mom joke for this title since it has so many possibilities. Post the joke in the comments section please.
Deadwood: The Complete Second Season - Once again, a show that has been praised that I've yet to see. I can't make a mom joke about Deadwood, but I can sure make a joke about you.
Hollow Man 2 - What? More than 6 people liked the 1st one? Obviously, this is a direct-to-video title. Oh sweet, it stars Christian Slater! If that isn't a reason to see this film, I don't know what is.
Kingdom of Heaven: 4-Disc Director's Cut - Four fuckin' discs for this film? That's a bit of an overkill if you ask me.
Samurai Jack: Season 3 - Once again, a show I haven't seen. I feel so alone.
TransAmerica - Wow, a film about a pre-operative male-to-female transsexual. Gee, I wonder how this film relates to your mother.
Will & Grace: Series Finale - This show is finally over! Sure, it will always torment me through reruns, but there will never be another new episode of this piece-of-shit show ever again!
WWE: Wrestlemania 22 - Your mom was originally scheduled to perform is this annual tradition, but unfortunately, she could couldn't get her weight down enough to qualify for the Heavyweight class.

That's it for now. Feel free to advertise both my blog and any of my sexual accomplishments on any bathroom stall you see fit. There should be space on the stall wall right next to your mom's phone number.

The return of your savior

2006-05-11T15:39:00.000-06:00

Not Jesus Christ, but me. We all know Jesus Christ isn't real you silly fools! I have returned from my vacation and let me say, it sucks to be back.

This post may be a bit long for some of you with a short attention span. I will get to both the DVD reviews and a review of MI3 if you stick with me.

So, after going on my vacation and having to come back to Denver, I've realized how great Denver really is. Sure, it has its issues, but it's certainly no Nebraska. I do miss aspects of Nebraska, such as the friends I've left behind in the squallor, but it's really nice not being a hick anymore. And believe me, even with my education and upbringing, I was still partially a hick. Living in Denver, I don't hear the redneck analogies that I used to hear all of the time in Nebraska. Here's a list of analogies I've heard while in Nebraska:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's ass in a pepper patch."
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"I'm on it like a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat."
And one of my personal favorites: "He's moving faster'n a striped-ass ape with his balls on fire!"

As for that last one...COME ON! Now you're just making shit up! The rest kind of make sense, but really, the last one? First of all, what is a striped-ass ape and does it really move all that fast in the first place? Secondly, with its balls on fire, would this ape move fast or would it just stand there screaming while pounding his gonads with his fists in a vain attempt to put out the fire? I'll give credit where credit is due for the creative redneck analogies, but they have to at least make sense. Even though I've lost a lot of my hick-heritage, I can at least create some good analogies. Take this one for instance: "It's slicker'n a greased up pig in a wicker basket." You see, that's what makes a redneck analogy good, the repitition of fact. I could have just said that it's slicker than a greased up pig, and you would have gotten the idea that it's pretty damn slick, but I took the extra step and added the wicker basket part. Does it make a lot of sense? Well of course not, but no one hearing that statement would ever think that a greased up pig in a wicker basket wouldn't be slick.

Let's move on to someone who isn't very slick, for it's time for:
Stupid MotherFucker of the Week
This award goes to a woman who was in line in front of me at a Target in Kansas. She put her debit/credit card into the little keypad thing. This is how the transaction went down:

Checker: "If you don't want to run it as a debit card, tap Cancel, then tap Credit."
Stupid Bitch: "So I tap Credit now? Oh, so you'll just send me a bill for this?"
Checker: *Stunned silence*

It's a fucking bank card you ignorant slut. Sure, it's Kansas, but Kansas has had electricity and bank cards for at least 3 years now. Learn the basics you freakin' moron! This is why I'm glad I don't work retail anymore.

So yes it's movie review time. I saw Mission Impossible 3 the other night, or as the young hipsters call it: MI3. So, the question is: Is this film any good?

Well, the general feeling on the first two MI movies is that the first, while good, was a bit slow and confusing, while the second one was a piece of crap filled with unexplainably unperformable action scenes. MI3 is definately the best in the series, but like I said, that isn't saying much comparing it to its predacessors so we'll judge it on its own merits.

First of all, the director J.J. Abrams knows how to set up the tension and develop characters. He, unlike John Woo, doesn't need to fill the entire movie with explosions to entertain the audience. The television show Lost, which Abrams created and produces, isn't filled with a lot of gunshots or explosions, but when they do appear, they mean more because we truly care abut the characters and what happens to them due to good development. Abrams really can't develop Cruise's character very much, but he sets up the supporting characters as much as possible without slowing the film down.

As for the tension, Abrams starts it from the very beginning. The opening scene isn't an action packed intro to Ethan Hunt's character like we've seen before, instead it's a tense scene that lets you know how fucked Ethan Hunt is going to be as the film progresses.

The acting is pretty good. I still think Tom Cruise tries to be Tom Cruise a bit too much. I can't explain it any other way than that. It's not an unbelievable performance, but it could be better. As for Hoffman's performance as the main villian Owen Davian, Sweet Christman that Hoffman guy is good. He transforms what could be a third-rate villian into the guy that would beat you to death with a burlap sack full of puppies just by his protrayal of the character. A side note of trivia about the villian: Originally Kenneth Branagh was to be the villian but had to drop out due to other commitments. THANK FUCKING GOD. Hoffman makes the movie better with his acting where as Branagh would have just pissed me off with his "Oh look at me, I'm so damn good" attitude.

This film does have a problem or two. J.J. Abrams likes throwing plot twists into his shows. Watch Lost or Alias for many examples. The main plot twist is obvious from the start. If you're going to throw a plot twist at us, at least make it a bit less obvious. I didn't hear a single person in the audience make one of those "I'm so shocked" gasp that you can hear if you really listen in a crowded theater.

Overall, it was a darn good film. Another plus is that you don't have to watch the first 2 to watch this one. Each movie is its own self contained story.

Put on your funny hats because it's DVD time! Tomorrow's releases are:

Con Air: Extended Unrated Edition - An entertaining film, but I've always been annoyed by Cage's stupid-ass accent that's completely unbelievable.
Enemy of the State: Extended Unrated Edition - Once again, not a terribly bad film, but it has its problems. Chances are the extra footage won't amount to much.
Napoleon Dynamite: Like, the Best Special Edition Ever! - So many people have told me that I need to see this film that I've rebelled against those tools and haven't watched it yet. Maybe it's good, and maybe it sucks, but when everyone tells me I "Need" to see it, I don't really feel like I "Need" to see it as much.
The Producers (Widescreen) - I'm not too sure about this one. I like good theather as much as the next artsy-guy, but sometimes theater-to-film transfers end up feeling like just another attempt to make more money. Take Rent for example. I couldn't watch more than 20 minutes of that crap. Just pay your GodDamn rent and shut the fuck up.
When a Stranger Calls - We've traced the shitty movie, and it's coming from inside this DVD! That was a forced joke, but face it, it was mildly funny.

That's it. I'm spent.

FUCK TITLES!!!

2006-04-25T10:09:00.000-06:00

If this were a normal week, I'd have posted yesterday, but this isn't a normal week, so piss off.

But read my blog before you piss off.

It isn't a normal week because I called in sick to work yesterday, hence no internet access to post. Also, I'm going on vacation this Friday so that makes this week doubleplus good. Of course, this vacation means that I may not get to post here for the next two Mondays.

It's cold here. I mean it's "it snowed yesterday" cold. Aren't we supposed to be enjoying lovely spring weather now, not more freakin' snow? I've finally got a balcony of my own at my apartment and I can't even enjoy it. On Sunday, when it was nice outside, I was enjoying the balcony until the hail started to reign down upon me. That Mother Nature is one cruel bitch.

I'm actually going to start an award on this Blog and I will do so every week hereafter. This award will be called:
Stupid MotherFucker of the Week
The winner of the first award given goes to Marge, a checker at a Denver area Wal-Mart. Marge may do a lot of stupid shit each and every day, but it was her exceptional stupidity on the night of Friday, April 21 that really impressed me. My friend Shane had an item that he wanted Marge to scan to determine the price of said item. You see, there was no price on the item. Marge looked at the barcode on the back of the package and said to us: "This isn't going to scan, the barcode is gone." In actuality, the barcode was intact, however, the numbers under the barcode had been torn off. Marge was ignorant enough to believe that the scanner read numbers and not the complex machine-readable barcode above the numbers. She started to argue with us that it wouldn't scan until Shane passed it over the scanner, causing both a beep from the register, and an awed gasp from Marge. So, here's to you Marge, the first Stupid MotherFucker of the Week Award, for spending 8 hours a day, 5 days a week at a register and not having a fucking clue how the scanner works. Congratulations you ignorant whore.

Because of my absence for the next few weeks, I think I'll review the upcoming DVDs for today and the next 2 Tuesdays so that you mindless lemmings don't have to think for yourselves.

Today:

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1997) - A made for television adaptation of the classic story. Another made for television version was debuted around this same time oddly enough. One starred Ben Cross as Captain Nemo; however, this one stars none other than Michael Caine as Nemo. I've heard conflicting reports on this version, but since it's Caine, I'll try to find it to give it a rent.
Aeon Flux: Special Collector's Edition (Widescreen) - Quite possibly one of the worst reviewed movies of the year. Even though I'd like to see it, I'll admit that it probably Sux Dich.
American Dad! Volume 1 - Admitidly not as good as Family Guy, this show does elicit a good laugh or two from time to time. Patrick Stewart lends his voice to this show, so there's at least one reaon to buy it.
Dr. Dolittle 3 - I can hear my excrement talking, and it says that it stinks less than this film. Eddie Murphy isn't in this, and he thought Beverly Hills Cop 3 was a good choice. A clue? Perhaps....
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children - Another beautifully animated feature from Square. Unfortunately, I've heard this movie is a bit confusing if you've never played the game it's based on, which I haven't. I'll still rent it though.
The Replacement Killers (Extended Cut) - Awwww, I just bought the regular release 4 months ago. Why couldn't I have waited?
The Wedding Singer: Totally Awesome Edition - Dude!! This release is like, so totally unnecesary!

May 2:

3rd Rock from the Sun: Season 4 - This is right about the time this show starts to go downhill.
Dinosaurs: The Complete First and Second Seasons - You have to remember this show! I remember it being funny, but I also think wheelchair jokes are funny.
Leave It to Beaver: The Complete Second Season - Now, I was never a huge fan of this show, but how is it that all 4 seasons of Knight Rider are released before all the seasons of a television classic such as this? It makes no sense at all.
Red Dwarf VIII: The Original and Extended Series - British humor in space. Now if only they would release the BlackAdder series' on DVD, I'd be a happy man. Well shit. I just found out BlackAdder has been released on DVD.

May 9:

Big Momma's House 2 - I pray to Xorajhim and his kill-drones that I never have to endure this filth.
Munich (2-Disc Limited Edition) - I'm putting this on my definate rental list.
The Poseidon Adventure: Special Edition - Just in time for the remake to hit theatres. This was a pretty good film. GodDamn depressing though.
Rumor Has It... (Widescreen) - Not that I'm the type of person to gossip, but I've heard through my cousin Carrie who heard it from my Aunt that this movie blows hard.
Scrubs: The Complete Third Season - One of the few sitcoms I can watch without being nauseated by the obvious jokes that most all other sitcoms call comedy.

I could review more, but it's about lunchtime and I need me my food.

OK, Piss off now.

The rantings of a man smarter than you.

The Zoo

For the benefit of Andy

Bloody Hell

I'm going to Disneyland.

You know what they say...

A new rap group

More of the usual.

What I Hated in 2008

I Believe I Hate People

Election day is near

Andy, for your consideration

My response about Senator Miller's statements

A few things

Another damn fine film

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

So I lied

Something you should watch again.

I've said it before, but it feels really good not to give a shit.

You were all WRONG!!

Friendship

Spam

I better get good wedding gifts from these assholes

Advertisement

Class reunion and such

We bitch way too much

The death of Christ! YAY!!!!

Monkeys, or Whores?

Wow, just wow.

Did I really miss out?

I've Neglected You, and I'm Sorry

I gone done Gradumakated!

Lackluster Video

I have no idea how to respond

AMC

NEW BLOG!!! AHHH!!!

Real crap, not simulated.

The biggest blog in the world

What did you say? I can't hear you!

Ice and Poop

Every Homosexual Likes Broadway Show Tunes

Morons I dare say!!

Fire...BAD!!!!

Tickets Please!

Blogs and Nerdery

X-Mas

When you don't have to care

FIRE!!

I still have a blog?! Well Shit!!

Today is certainly NOT a good day.

You ever feel like you're being watched?

Tidbits, etc.

Halloween

Me, and a few other people, but mainly me.

Did you say reboot the computer, or put my boot up your ass?

The funniest picture I've ever seen

Cellebration, Ham, and Films

Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...

So I lied

Vehicular Manslaughter

Titles are for sissies

Sunday Drive

It's almost Monday

Thanks for nothing asshole

Nebraska Jobs, Dana, and Bitchery

I seem to be missing something...

Oh please God, say it isn't so

Labor Day goodness

Now that's just Chinese.

Behold me

Fuck You Canada!

Ahhh Yeah Son! Ahhh Yeaaah!

This is how I roll.

Another frackin' Monday

In-Laws Be Damned!

The class sucks

SPAM!!!!!

Let's try this again.

Peacefull slumber my ass!

Rub my Pegleg...